Chores for Little Champs: Secrets to Confident Kids

SHOW TRANSCRIPT: :

DJ Stutz  00:14

You're listening to Imperfect Heroes: Insights into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in An imperfect world, and I'm your host, DJ Stutz. Welcome back to Imperfect Heroes: Insights into Parenting, and I'm your host, DJ Stutz, and today we are diving deep into a big question, how do we raise kids who are independent, responsible and ready to tackle life head on, and before we get started, though, here's a quick heads up. Did you know you can join me for a free workshop? It's called Parent Perspectives. It's on every fourth Thursday of the month, and we dive into the joys and the chaos of raising kiddos in today's crazy and wild world. So we connect with other parents. We swap challenges, and then you're going to leave with strategies that you can use right away. So go ahead and register at www.ImperfectHeroes.net, or just grab the link down in the show notes. Okay, back to our topic for today. I have been talking with business owners that I know, folks who own small businesses. There's a tech startup, some service industries, people, even managers in the utilities like electric and cable and those kinds of things. And they're all saying the same thing. They're saying, DJ, our employees lack work ethic. They can't problem solve, and the second that things get tough, they complain, they give up, or they just don't even try, and they are constantly calling off, or they just don't show up. Does that sound familiar? Well, all of this starts with us, with our little ones, before they turn eight, it's all working into that we need to ditch the helicopter and lawn mower parenting to raise kids who just thrive. So buckle up for some stories. I've even got one from my own childhood. There's some practical tips, a bit of research to show what we're doing, and even some zingers from a movie and the Bible that are going to stick with you. So let's get rolling. So let's go ahead and set the stage for this. For two generations now, we have had helicopter parents hovering over every scraped me and lawn mower parents who are flattening every bump in the road. And I get it. We love our kids, and we want life to be easy for them. But here's the catch, when we solve every problem for them, we're raising kids who just crumble when life throws them a curve ball. They are over scheduled with things like soccer, football, dance and piano, and they are over indulged with instant gratification. Let's be real. Sometimes they just struggle to think beyond themselves, social skills and emotional grit. Well, those things are taken ahead and those business owners that I know they're seeing it in adults who won't even try to fix a printer jam without calling for backup. And one even told me, DJ, I've got a 25 year old who panics when the Wi Fi glitches, or won't even try to figure out a jam in the printer. You know, we're not raising people who can handle glitches. So how do we turn it around? Well, it starts with us modeling the behavior we want, and then getting our kids to be in on the action. Now, if you've listened to me before, you know I always say modeling whatever behavior it is that we're working on is step one, and kids watch us like hawks. They see us hustling at home, this is cooking dinner and paying the bills, mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathroom, and they notice when we get stuff done. But here's the trap, if we're just doing the work for them, they might, and actually, most likely are going to start expecting the world to serve up everything quick and easy. And I've seen it. There are kids who think someone's always going to swoop in and make it right, and we've got to flip that. They need to join the party. You know, a two year old can just toddle over and drop their plate in the sink after dinner. Clue, this is a great place where plastic plates and cups come in handy. Find them at like, discount stores, Walmart, that kind of a thing, Target, and it makes it easy for kids to start learning how to do these things without breaking everything up. You know, a three year old can grab a rag and wipe the table streaks and all. A four year old can set the table, and you can make it easy for them by putting the plates and cups within their reach, maybe putting it in the lower cabinets, and moving some pots and pans and bowls or whatever up where you would normally put your plates and stuff that makes it within reach and they can get it. I actually remember being five years old kneeling by the tub while my mom showed me how to scrub it the right way. Was I a pro? Nope. Did I feel capable? Though? Yeah. You bet kids can learn to do way more than we give them credit for, and the trick is making work more of a team sport they learn by doing it with us. So show them effort isn't just a grown up thing, and let's talk about practical things. How do we make this happen? Well, we're going to start with those chores. Even tiny ones. A toddler can toss a diaper into the trash. A four year old can feed the dog. Just set clear standards and say things like the tables clean when there are no more crumbs, and then check it together. You don't have to be a dictatorial tyrant about it, but you can have a little fun. Oh, no, do you see that sneaky little crumb he's trying to hide from you? Let's get him. Just make it fun, and then you want to work as a team. I'll sweep while you hold the dust pan, or you could trade that around. You can take bigger jobs and break them into smaller bites. So something like clean your room could feel like Mount Everest to a kiddo, but pick up the cars is more doable. And once that's done, then you can move on to now. Let's get the dinosaurs, whatever it is, and that's a win that they can handle. You know, let them stir the pancake batter or sort the socks. Is it going to be a little messy? Sure. Is it worth it? Totally. So talk to them about the why. Why are we doing these things? Well, we're cleaning so we can chill out and have some fun later. We're folding so that you've got clothes for school tomorrow. And it's not just chores, but let them own their daily stuff. A three year old can pick out their own outfit, even if it is polka dots with stripes, and a five year old can carry their backpack, or they can pack their own lunch. It's empowering, and it builds independence and confidence right there. Now they may take forever buttoning a shirt, or they may spill some water hauling their cup over to the table, but that's them learning that they've got power over their world. And I think kids just light up when they dress themselves, sure the socks don't match, but they're proud as punch by what they've been able to do. And honestly, by kindergarten, they should be dressing themselves, and they should know how to zip up their coat all by themselves. And at the beginning of the school year, I saw this. Just this past year, I saw a video on social media of a neighborhood where there were some kids that were riding their bike and they were coming around the corner, and as they passed the homes down the street, other children joined in, and the group just grew bigger as they moved down the street, and more kids joined in. And then in the video, you see all of these kids now just turning the corner and continuing on to school, and the mom that was taking the video talked about how this was a rite of passage for these neighborhood kids, once they hit first grade, they were able to be a part of it and how grown up they felt when they were able to join the caravan. These are awesome opportunities for our kids. You know, kids are able to join in these activities when they need to travel maybe a mile or even more, but I have seen children who can actually see the front porch from their school, and they're getting picked up and driven home. This is just such a lost opportunity when you are blessed to be close enough to the school to make something like this one of their childhood memories. So let's take it a little further even look at Japan. Kids as young as three and four are running errands. There things like grabbing groceries from a corner shop. There's this show. It's back in the 90s, and it's called Old Enough, and that's where the show follows toddlers, they're just wobbling down the street with a little yen note in their hand on their first try to buy fish or bread or whatever it is. And these little kiddos, they are a little bit nervous. It's their first time, but they get it done, and then by six or seven, they're walking to school, they're hopping on the subway all by themselves with their cute little backpacks, and they are navigating busy stations like pros, like they just belong there, which they do. They clean their classrooms, they serve lunch to their peers, and it's all part of just the educational gig there. But why do they do that? It's about building grit early and trusting them to step up and get the job done. And I've even got my own story about this kind of a thing. When I was five or six living in Oakland, California, my dad was getting his doctorate at Berkeley, and my mom sent me to the corner store with a list and some cash. And it wasn't a big supermarket. It was just one of those little corner stores. But the clerk helped me get the stuff that I needed, whether it was milk, bread, butter, stuff like that, and he would help me pay, get the change, and I took it home. This was Oakland, California, of all places. And I know it was a while ago, but still, I felt so grown up when I got to do that. Now, I realize our streets may not work like that now, but this kind of vibe is just gold. So go ahead, send your five year old to grab the mail, or your seven year old to water the garden. They're going to surprise you with all of the things that they are capable of doing. So I've had this parenting expert named Jeff Nelligan. He's been on the show a couple of times, and he has got this nailed. He has three sons, and his sons, by the age of eight, were making their own doctor and dental appointments. If you can believe that, he'd give them a list of the times that worked, and they would call they got to talk to the receptionist and book the appointment. Can you just imagine that?  An eight year old handling all of that and now that is next level independence, don't you think? And then there's my niece who, at age 10, she took on making the weekly grocery list and then ordering it on line, learning how to do all of that. And her mom said it did lead to some crazy and wild meals. Think maybe peanut butter and pickles, but it taught her planning and budgeting and self reliance, and by college, she was a pro at managing money, managing her time and cooking while her roommates floundered a little. So that's the payoff that we're actually talking about. And when things go off track and they will take a minute to pause and assess what is going on. Are your expectations realistic? You know, sometimes kids can do more than we think, but if we set the bar too low, they get bored. They realize this is simple, this is silly stuff. So observe them, talk to them about it, and maybe keep some notes on what's tripping them up. And this is going to give you a chance to maybe notice some commonalities and identify an issue that perhaps you hadn't noticed before. I love taking notes and journaling all of that. It really does help. So sometimes, let's face it, they're just testing the boundaries, and that is normal. I'd actually worry about a kid who never pushes back.  So just stay firm, but keep your cool. Offer options, wipe the table or put the dishes in the dishwasher, but it's time to help. Or you could say, maybe I know how smart you are, you'll figure this out. So some kiddos just need that verbal boost, that idea or language of trust, while others, they may need some more support. So think about where your kids are and wh at they are capable of.  Remembering that kids are generally capable of more than what we are giving them to do. So planning ahead actually helps too. You can sit down, or should sit down as a family and make a list for the week, include chores, appointments and even all the fun stuff, all of the things that need to be done, and then knowing what's coming helps them gear up for the tough things and the cool, fun things. But here's the reality, it's going to take some time up front. So teaching a four year old to tie those shoes or a six year old to pack their bag understand you're going to be standing there a little longer. You're going to be guiding them and maybe biting your tongue when they spill the Cheerios as they pour for themselves. It is tempting to just do it yourself. I know it's faster, it's less arguing, less mess, but stick with it and plan for a little extra time. It's okay to get up a little bit earlier. I know we don't like it, but trust me, it is worth it, that investment pays off huge when they are 10 and they're getting themselves ready without you hovering over them, or they're 15 and handling their own laundry. You know you're winning when you come home to chores that are done and no chaos, those moments are pure parenting gold. Take a video. Take a picture, write it down. Remember those moments, because they're what's going to get you through when things get a little more challenging. And let's be real, most kiddos are going to resist this, especially at first. They would rather that you keep doing it for them. And let's be honest, who wouldn't, but don't give up. Try the I do, we do you do do trick. This is something that is all the time, used in education. So we start by showing them something. I'll say, making the bed. It may not be important to you. You can think of another chore, but making the beds just easy. And I'll talk out loud while I'm getting the task done. So I'll say something like, first I pull up the sheet, and then I get the blanket. Now I put on the comforter and smooth out the wrinkles, and finally, the pillow, and I'm all done now, they see it, they hear it, and they're starting to understand the steps that are involved. And then next you're going to get them in on it. So something like, Hey, kiddo, you grab the other side of the bed and I'll get this side done. And then keep talking the same way you did when you were doing it all by yourself. Okay, we've got the sheet now, the blanket, nice job. And then eventually you're gonna just hand it over to them, you know, I think you've got this. Why don't you give it a whirl and show me how good you are at making the bed. And at first, I might hang around in the room cheering them on or nudging them if they miss something, but soon they are able to go solo. And it's not going to be perfect, but they're going to be so proud of what they've done, and that slow shift from I do to you do, turns resistance into confidence, and suddenly they're owning it. Now, remember, if you've been listening to me much, you know that last summer I had one of my grandsons, he was six years old at the time, staying with us for a few weeks, and he came to us and to me, I know having a made bed and the room looking nice is important to me. So we started out with the I do, we do you do. And he'd be in getting dressed, and while he was getting dressed, I would make the bed, and I would talk about all the steps that I was doing. And one time I was doing this step, but I wasn't verbalizing it, and my grandkids call me Naina. And Eli said, Naina, you forgot this. It's like, oh, he is paying attention, right? So then the next day, I said, Hey, Eli, why don't you grab that side of the bed? I'll grab this side of the bed, and let's get it done together, and he was total game for that. And we did that for about a week or so. And then I did the whole thing, like, do you think you could do this by yourself? I think you're pretty smart, and you know how to do things. I wonder if you can do this by yourself? And he's like, I can do it. I can do it, okay. And so I was kind of hanging around to see how he did, and he's like, Naina, I got this, you can go.  I left, and then he called me back in after a little bit, and he was like, ta da, it's done. And he did a pretty good job. Wasn't perfect, but it was good enough, and I was really proud of him. And he was really proud of him, even to the point that when his dad came, when it was time to pick him up, at that was the one thing in the morning that when the after his dad arrived, he wanted to show his dad how he knew how to make the bed. And he was so proud of it, and he made his dad stand there and watch him, and he was explaining all the steps kids love doing that kind of stuff. Now let's talk about another part that is tough, but it really is crucial, let them face the consequences. And we know consequences can be hard, but consequences can also be good. And so we can talk about what the good concept you got this done now we can start our movie. That is a good consequence. You can talk about that. But if they do some things like they're slacking back on their schoolwork and they're falling behind, don't just swoop in with a magic fix. Help them problem solve. Talk about it. Do they need extra help? Maybe a tutor is in order and they have to put in the extra time. It's not a punishment, it's just teaching ownership. Let them face it, let them work out an answer and realize perhaps we need to take a look at their classroom behavior, and maybe that's part of the problem as well. So, you know, life is full of tasks that we don't love to do. And perhaps I'll say, let's get this done first so we don't have to worry about it later. And when they whine, it's too hard. Why like to come back with that's perfect, because we do hard things, and they'll roll their eyes, and, trust me, they'll stop saying it's too hard after a while, but if they stall, just hold firm. As soon as we get this done, we can start Movie Night. As soon as we get this done, you can have time to go ride your bike, or we can start dinner or let them know kind of what's coming on. But here's the bigger piece to even chew on. There's a moral side to this. Just think about it. Is it right to expect someone else to do something that you are totally capable of? So let's say your seven year old can tie their own shoes, but she just sits there waiting for you to do it. That's not just laziness. That's putting a burden onto someone else when you don't need to. And I've seen it kids who could grab their own water yell for their mom. Mom, get me some water. Dutifully, mom runs over and gets the water and takes it over to them. Well, that's not really fair, and it weighs others down. So what's the better choice? Teach them to look for ways to help and to not be doted on. And I'll maybe say to my kids, hey, go get your jacket and while you're at it, would you please grab mine. That would be such a big help. And suddenly they're not just being independent, they're being contributors. And that's the kind of kid who grows up thinking, how can I pitch in instead of, where's my servant? Right? It's a small ship, but it's huge for their character. And then this actually ties right into a scene that I saw on Hillbilly Elegy. It's the movie about JD Vance, and young JD Vance is really upset, and he's griping to his grandma, why do you care so much about my grades? And she looks at him dead in the eye, as this rough, gruff grandma could only do and she said, because no one's coming to save you. JD, boom, that's the truth, and we've got to plant that into our kids, and they've got to step up, because in the end, they will live much better, much more safely. They will have a more plentiful life when they learn that I need to take care of this myself and not wait for some agency or some other person to swoop in and solve all of our problems. So you get kind of the same vibe in this parable of Christ, and it's in Matthew chapter 19, and I'm going to paraphrase it horribly, but here you go. There's this dad, and he asks one of his sons to go help him and work in the garden. And the kid says, Nah, no, I don't want to do it. But later he feels bad about what he said, and he goes ahead, goes out to the garden, gets some work done. Another son tells him, Oh, sure, I'll get that done. But then he never shows, he doesn't do it. He doesn't get anything done. Now, who actually had the real ethic? It's the one who showed up and got it done. And so you want to share with your kids that actions actually be empty promises every time. Him. So keeping your word really matters. So I'll say, Oh, I told Mrs. Joan I'd help her with the bake sale. And my word really means something my kids now see me push through even when there's something else I'd rather get done. And it's good to remind your kids, did you say you would. And when they balk on following through with something that they promised to do, but they really don't want to do it. And speaking of that, they shouldn't have to say the word promise. How many times have I heard that? Well, I didn't say I promised I would do it. You know, just agreeing to do something should be enough. And when they say, I don't wanna, you can tell them sometimes we do stuff we don't love because it matters. It makes a difference, people or our family is counting on you, and that's just life, and they need to be ready for it, not just for themselves, but for everybody that's around them, All right, so let's nerd out for a few minutes, because this isn't just me talking. There's research backing this up, and studies show that when kids get chances to tackle tasks and be independent early on in life, like these Japanese kids running errands or me hauling groceries in Oakland, it does big things for them. First, it boosts their self worth. Experts say that kids who master small challenges like chores or problem solving feel competent like they've got this. And there's a big review in the journal called developmental psychology that found that giving kids autonomy early builds self esteem that's going to last into their later years as their teenagers young adults and adults, and that grown up feeling that I had at age five. Well, science says that that's a real thing. It also helps in school. So research from folks like it's called Casel, C A S E L , which is actually the Collaborative for Academic social and emotional learning, shows that kids with strong social emotional skills. So I want you to think those sticking to a task or managing frustrations do better academically. And in fact, in one study they did, they saw an 11 point jump in grades for kids who had just learned to be responsible and do things on their own when they were young, they focus better, they finish their homework and they ace their tests because they've practiced pushing through. Now in Japan, you've got those kids who walk to school all by themselves, they tend to be more engaged in class. And it's the same deal with social skills. And there are some studies that are published in the Journal of child development that say self regulation from early tasks lead to better friendships and more emotional control even by the age of kindergarten. So navigating with a store clerk or helping a sibling out that kind of stuff is social gold. And here's the kicker, it might even cut down on the tough stuff that's like depression or acting out. And there's research in the Journal of child psychology that found that early independence builds resilience. Kids feel in control, so they're less likely to sink into anxiety or helplessness. They're also able to bounce back faster after an adverse experience, a car accident, the death of a loved one, those kind of hard things. There's another study that links self management to fewer tantrums, even, or issues at school. Now it's not a magic bullet. No study was tracking my grocery run to my SAT scores, which were actually pretty good, but the pattern's clear. Kids who step up early grow up stronger, happier and more capable, and that's what we're aiming for, right? So why does all this matter? Because independence and responsibility aren't just about chores or homework. They're about raising kids who can think, solve problems and care about other people and those that are around them, and those business owners that I know they're actually desperate for employees who show up, push through and figure stuff out, and that starts with our two year olds scraping plates, our eight year olds booking their own dentist appointments. like Jeff nelkins boys or 10 year olds planning meals like my niece. It's about kids who don't dump their load on others because they can handle it themselves, and then some even more, and there's the research that backs it up. So give them the opportunity early, and they will shine in school with friends and in their own heads. Yeah, it takes some time up front, and there's hours honestly spent teaching them to tie their shoes or call the doctor. But the big payoff you will walk in one day and the house is calm and the chores are done and they're handling their own stuff, and that's when you know you've done pretty good. So here's another key, though, your relationship with your kid makes all of this work. So you can be firm with expectations and boundaries, like we're not having movie night until our other work is done, but still keep it in a loving connection. You don't need to be a bully about it. It's not about being their buddy. There's a difference between being a friend and a parent, and both can be fun. Both can feel close, but as a parent, you teach, you mentor, you set and hold those lines. Friends can come and go, but they need to know that as a loving parent, you are going to be there no matter what. You need to wrestle with your kids on the floor and laugh over their polka dot outfit, but when it's time to make the bed or do their homework, you are their guide, not their playmate, and you and your child can deeply enjoy that bond, you know, those giggles and those hugs, but your job is actually bigger. It's about raising them to stand tall, and that starts with a relationship where they know you've got their back and you've got their best interests at heart. It's not perfect. I most certainly am an imperfect hero myself, but every step builds kids who get stuff done. So now think fast forward, and picture your kid at 25 being the one that fixes the printer gem instead of having to call the boss or better at or better yet. How about them just running the whole show? And that's the win we're chasing. Okay, parents, that's our deep dive for today. And I would love to know what's the one chore or task that you're going to start with your kiddo this week. Drop it in the comments. I'd love to hear and if you're loving imperfect pair heroes, grab my books. Roman is Bigger. Roman is a Bigger Brother and Oscar's True Friends, they are packed with stories to spark these kinds of conversations with your kids. Need more well, I've got coaching, I've got workshop. I do speaking gigs, so go ahead and find me at ImperfectHeroes.net subscribe to the podcast and register for my weekly newsletter so you don't miss the thing and until next week, let's find joy in parenting. See ya.  Thank you so much for sticking around to the end of today's episode of Imperfect Heroes. Parenting is truly one of the most rewarding journeys we can take. But let's face it, it can be incredibly challenging, and sometimes we make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be. The good news is that with a little bit of work up front, there are practical steps you can take to bring more peace and joy into your family life. I am passionate to share these strategies and insights with you. If you're ready to step on the path to joyful, effective parenting, I invite you to schedule a family checkup. Just click on the calendar link in the show notes below. Schedule a time that works perfectly for you, and let's work together to create a more harmonious and happy environment and remember every small step that you take today makes a big difference. So thank you again for joining us, and until next time, let's find joy in parenting.