Episode 120: How Can I Get My Kids to Quit Arguing?

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.

DJ Stutz  0:10  
Welcome heroes and heroines to Episode 120 of Imperfect Heroes, Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host DJ Stutz.

Before we get started, okay, I can't contain my joy. I'm so excited. My first children's book is now available on Amazon. It's called Roman is Bigger. And it's this beautifully illustrated book about a little boy. And go figure, his name is Roman. And he has some big feelings. But he has some simple words that he knows. And they're just not enough to clearly express what he is truly feeling. And so enjoy this fun story with your children, with your grandchildren are your classroom as you learn about the power of words. And this book includes even a lesson plan for teachers, and a parent page that's filled with ideas on how to help your kids expand the vocabulary, and give them a major advantage in their education. So order your copy today. And I want to tell you that my illustrator, who was just amazing, for most of the time that she was illustrating, she was in Poland. But at some point, she decided she thought it was safe enough at home in Ukraine to go back and be with her husband and her parents. So she and her daughter went back and they're facing some challenges. But she still even with all of that did just some beautiful illustrations. And so I hope that maybe you'll just at least pray for her and her family. If you're a praying family, and even if you're not a praying family, pray for her anyway, What harm could it do. And so if you want to order your own copy from Amazon, the link is in the show notes or on the webpage for the podcast. If you go up to the top, there is a link for resources. And it's right there at the top of that. So you can always get it really easily or just go to Amazon. Roman is Bigger, and you'll find it. It's just so adorable. I talked by that. Okay, well, let's get started. 

I met my sweetheart Russ when I was 17. I know. And we got married when I was 20. And he was so much older than me. He was 21. And I had this vision of my family and how it was going to be, we were going to have six kids. And they were all going to love each other. And they were going to be each other's best friends. And we were going to play together and pray together. And I was going to have this beautiful clean house. And they were going to be beautiful and perfectly dressed all the time. They were going to be the smartest kids in class and the kindest kids, of course. And all the kids in the neighborhood. And in their classes, we were going to want you to come to our house to hang out at our amazing, fun, exciting place. Oh yeah, they were going to be amazing athletes, and leaders on their teams, and great at sports. You know, they were going to be the ones that everyone was going to reach out to. And they were going to notice the ones who were outcasts or you know kind of left alone and on their own. And they were going to pull them in and say Come be a part of our group and they were going to be kind and patient when the going got rough. And oh, LOL more thing. They were going to sing they were going to be musical. And they were going to be like the Von Trapp family. And if you don't know who the Von Trapp family, go watch the sound of music. What can I say? I always Yeah. So let me answer the question in the title of this episode, right? How to get your kids to stop arguing. And so I'm afraid the simple, honest answer is you can't get them to totally stop arguing. It doesn't work that way. Nor should it. Actually the truth is that you don't want them to completely stop arguing. Because there are some benefits to the occasional disagreement. And even some of the big disagreements there are benefits that come from that, and you don't want to rob them from that. And so we're going to talk about that a little bit more later. But there are some things, though, that you can do to kind of lessen the severity and the frequency of these really frustrating moments. I know. It's not fun, right. But let's look at the first one thing I want to talk about today. So first thing is, you want to stay calm, and you want to set a great example. So one of the things that I want you to think about is to consider how you behave when you disagree with your spouse, or

maybe another family member, or just someone in the community, right? A neighbor that you're mad at, or a teacher that you disagree with a principal at the school. What about your kids coach? Or I don't know, whatever. But how do you behave when you're mad at someone, because they're watching, and they're learning. And in fact, it's funny, my mom told me this one time, was that if you want to see how your girls anyway, this is what she told me because it was back in the day, but how your girls see you, as a mom, watch how they play with their dolls. The things that they say how they treat their dolls. And that's how they see you, as a mom. And it's true. Sometimes you'll go in and they're chewing out that doll, you know, but it can also work with younger brothers and sisters as well. Especially with an oldest child or an older child, if you have several kids, you can see how they are treating their younger siblings. It's very often it's how they see you as a parent. So maybe it's like, oh, that's so sweet. Or it can be like, Oh, that hurts. Is that really how I sound. And maybe to them, it is how you sound. So you want to kind of pay attention to that. And make sure that you're setting the example that you want them to follow. Hope that makes sense. Anyway, and so think about how you talk about other people, even when they're not there. Right. And it makes sense to even when the kids aren't there to hear how you are talking about other people, because you get in this habit of talking about people a certain way. And so it's kind of hard to just turn it off when the kids are there. And so if you are always saying nice things or even when you have to criticize someone or critique someone, that you are doing it in a way that shows kindness and compassion, even though say, I don't agree with this. But you're saying it in a way that isn't demeaning, calling names. We're not making up rude names for other people, then that's kind of what you want to make sure that you're doing. Because if you get in the habit of doing that, even when the kids aren't there, automatically, you're just kind of going to do it when the kids are in there. Because it's just human nature, right? And so you want to make sure that you are talking kindly about other people. So we've talked about how we talk to other people, how we talk about other people. And then when we get really flustered, do we get snarky? I can get that way. I've gotten a lot better, though, in time. And as I started really working on it, and paying attention to how I get when I'm frustrated when I'm not getting my way. What is obvious I'm totally right, right, which is like all the time, I'm never wrong, right. And so I could get really snarky at times, when I felt like people weren't hearing me or that they weren't moving fast enough, or that they weren't giving me the value that I was expecting for something. And so, as I started paying attention to how I was talking to people, I did get better at it. And I'm pretty good at it now. I'm a lot better than I used to be. So think about people like salespeople, maybe some neighbors, how about school personnel, the lady in the office or the nurse, the school nurse, some of those people that you have to deal with sometimes? How about delivery people that are delivering things to your home or to your business or whatever. So pay attention to those things, and how you're doing it, because that's really is going to have a lot to do with how your kids react to one another. I know paying high you have to be good. All right. So there's another thing then that I want to talk about is when your kids are being after each other. When you go to intervene, you need to use a calm and loving voice when you're addressing the kids that are involved in the episode. Right? You don't want to just add more noise to the craziness. If they're screaming and yelling, and you come in with screaming and yelling, right? Does that make a lot of sense? Stop. It was a joke around that you'd see a mom in the store, or out in the parking lot quick hitting your brother. Well, that makes total sense. I saw it happen all the time, especially when I was a kid. And I would laugh and think, yeah, that kid really understands, right? And so don't add to it with the way that you are coming in and getting involved. Come in and be the voice of reason. Be the voice of calm, maybe if you just stand between them. Right? As they're yelling, and you're just standing between them, and just hug them both. You don't even have to say a word, just go in and just hug them both. Just love on him, right? They'll think what is mom do. And that's okay, they can think you're crazy. And in fact, speaking of being crazy, be silly. If you can write and have some fun, sing a song, start singing the song. I know that on the oldest of seven. I've mentioned that a time or two why now, but maybe this is your first podcast you've listened to. So I'm the oldest of seven, and five of them are brothers. And so there were some arguments going on. So I've never had an argument with my sister my whole life. Never. She's seven years younger than I'm cute as a button. But I never saw the need to argue with her. But brothers were different. And the brothers between each other, you know, brothers get competitive. And so my mom, sometimes I still remember this, I remember every word in the song, she would come in and start singing in her opera voice she had she she would just come in to start singing this song about love at home, right? The Roots beauty all around, when there's love at home, and

on and on, there's three verses to the song. And she would sing all three if she needed to. But she would just come in and start singing that song and start cleaning around or wherever we were arguing or whatever. And we had to stop and laugh at her because it was ridiculous. That's just something I remember about my mom, but or there's tons of songs that you can see the theme to friends, right? Be there for you, whatever it is, and you don't have to have a great voice. In fact, sometimes it's even better if a soft key or your whatever, and you're doing your thing,

but to have a song that you sing. Make one up if you don't know one, but there are plenty of songs that you can look up about friendship about family, we are man family, whatever it is, find one that you love, learn the lyrics, and then just start singing when the kids are arguing and fighting and they're gonna stop. out or shock. It's kind of fun. And then And then along with that is maybe find some way to just make them laugh use a goofy voice where children are arguing Oh, no, Whatever shall I do? You know, and, and be silly about it. And they'll just look at you like, what on earth are you doing?

But being silly and you know, we know scientifically, that it's really hard to be angry and laugh at the same time. Now my mom used to saying she was a spanker that she was a beater. But she would say I can hit you and laugh at the same time. She proved that to be true. She could. But as a parent, you can laugh and I remember saying Mike to my kid, you can still you can make me laugh but you're still in trouble. Because they could they could make me laugh. They cracked me up. But you're still in trouble even if you made me laugh. That was inappropriate was funny, but it was inappropriate and you're still in trouble. But it's just when you can get the family laughing and joking around with one another that really eases things up. So I have a brother Dawn, who was number three in line in of the seven and what a sense of humor. He still has a great sense of humor. But that was his talent that was his like job in the family was when things would get really tense and tight in the family. He had a way of cracking a joke or he had a George Carlin, kindness, humor. Not everyone got it, but our family got it. And so he could say a joke or crack something up and make us laugh. And then all of a sudden, things are better and a little happier. And we could manage through some of the harder times. So if you could put a pot on your head and like nothing, doing things like you have no idea you have a pot on your head, just do silly things. Do it, like a crazy dance, put on a song and dance like a grandparent or like Mom, stop, stop. And I'm like, Oh, well, I

thought since you guys were being crazy, I got to be crazy do and I was like, Okay, well Stop, just stop that dancing. Oh, okay, you stop arguing, I stopped dancing deal. And you just do some of those fun silly things. And really, it does work more often than not, honestly, it really does. Even with teenagers. Sometimes even better.

So there you are. But be sure to express love to both sides of the argument. You know, I just love each of you so much. And it breaks my heart when I see you guys at each other because you both mean the absolute world to me. And I understand that you're mad at each other. And you know, there might be a good reason, maybe not whatever, you're gonna have to decide if it's worth being really angry to someone that's so important to all of us. But it just breaks my heart because I love you guys so much. Maybe you want to go with that allow both sides to share their side of the story. But the other kiddo has to sit and listen to the whole other side. Right? So Susie, we're going to listen to Don's side of the story. And then when Don's done, he's going to have to listen to you. We're not going to interrupt first, you're probably going to want to start with the most impulsive child, maybe the youngest child and let them tell their side so that the one who is able to be more calm is the one who will wait. And then because once the more impulsive child feels heard, and then you asked, Have you said everything then that you need to say? And maybe they'll say, well now and that that that? Okay? You're not agreeing you're not disagreeing. Okay. Then you might want to say, here's what I heard that Edyta Susie, is what did you hear? That added? Okay. All right. Now, Don, you're going to listen, and Susie is going to tell her side of story. And if they interrupt and say, No, that's not right. Isn't? Wait, wait, wait, no, you had your chance to tell. Now it Susie Stern, she was quiet for you, you're going to be quiet for her. And they have to listen. And if you do that enough, really, they don't want to sit and listen to the others. And so they don't want you intervening, right? is what's going to happen. And so then you can get to a point where you're going to say, Oh, do you need me to come in so we can listen to everybody tell what's going on? No. All right. Can you work it out by yourselves then? Yes. All right. So but working out doesn't mean hitting or yelling, working out means talking. Right? Okay. And they'll get to that point, it's going to take some time and some work. Nothing worth working is going to happen overnight. It's going to take time and training and, and persistence and love and kindness. But it will kick in I promise. I've seen it. I've helped many families through this. And so it happens, and it's going to be great and wonderful in time, right? And then eventually, you're gonna be able to help them come up with solutions. So what would you like to see happen? Or what's a better way that we could have handled this? You're not gonna say, so how could have done done better? You're gonna say, okay, Suzy, what's something then that maybe you could have done? In a better way to help this out? Don, what could you view done? Well, I don't know. I didn't do anything wrong. Okay. Well, you sit and think about it, we'll wait for you until you come up with an idea. And you can sit in silence for an hour or take an hour, I promise. But just sit and quiet and let them work it out. Well, I don't know. What could I've done? I don't know. Let's think back on what some of the things that you said. And you said this, this and this. Do you think that was probably the kindest way to say that or was there a better way that you could have said that, and especially when you're getting started or when they're very young, they're going to need that kind of a help. Can you Think of a better way to say that or a better way to ask that. Do you think you needed to hit Susie over the head with a firetruck to get your point across? Or was there maybe a better way to do it that wouldn't have hurt her? You're coming up with these ideas, but now you're helping them think, Oh, well, I probably could have done it better than that. Yes. What, what's one of those ways? And now if you're helping them come up with the ideas, you're almost all the way there. That is huge. Once you get to that point, that they're ready to come up with their own ideas. Okay. Does that help? I hope it does. Anyway, there you are. All right. So here's another big point. After there's been an episode, right, we are going to take some time to review and learn not necessarily even with the kids, because we've already gone through it with the kids, right? That was that big step, this is going to be something for me as mom or dad, some My husband has dad to review and say, Okay, what just happened here? Right? So let's take notes on I mean, you may write them down. Sometimes I did, so that I could kind of keep track. I'm a teacher, I gather data. It's what I do. But it does help, I promise it does help. And for parents that are working with me, I do have them write things down and do is just some quick notes, when there are episodes so that we can gather that data and see what's going on. But here's some of the things that you're going to want to look at who was involved, which kids were involved, right? What were they upset about? What was going on? Right? What caused it? Right? What were they fighting over? What did they do about it? Like? Was there hitting? Was there yelling? Were there hurtful words? Whatever, right? And then, what's the double use? Where did it happen? Was it outside? Was it in the garage? Was it in the living room? Was it in the bedroom? Where did it happen? And then when did it happen? And this is going to be key? Was it as they got up in the morning as it was as we were trying to get out the door to leave for the day? Was it right after we got back from a long day of being away? Was it right before dinner? Was it right after dinner was when we were trying to get everybody to bet it might have been a bad time delay tactic, actually. And so you're gonna want to kind of keep track of when all these things happen. Because you're gonna, once you gather some of that data, you're gonna start noticing some trends. Oh, my gosh, this is happening every day, 10 minutes after we get home, after school or after work or whatever, after practice after football practice, or soccer practice or piano lessons or whatever. It's happening at the same time. Okay, this is helping me understand this situation better. Now, what's going on? Are they hungry? Are they tired? Have they been cooped up in the classroom all day? And then I bring them home? And I'm telling them they gotta get going on their homework. Maybe they need time to run around and play? Is there a park or a green space that we can stop that on the way home to just run around? They've been in a classroom, right? And so maybe they need to run around? Maybe we need to get some snacks, some healthy snacks. Have they had a bunch of sugar for snack? Where are they in the car? And I started handing out Rice Krispie treats, right? And so what are some of the things that are going on, that may be contributing to the problem that I hadn't really connected? I thought it was all about I pet is too noisy. I can't stand down right? Or whatever it is. You think that but really, it's not about the iPad at all. It's about something else that's going on, right? Maybe they are just wanting your attention. Because negative attention is attention and it's better than being ignored. And so maybe they just want you isn't that nice? They want you Oh, you want me? That's another one of the silly things I want. Oh, you wanted my attention? Oh, let me give you hugs. I know you'll feel better. And they're like, oh, oh, Give me kiss us goodbye. You know, I

would be funny and silly about it sometimes, but you know, they still loved that. And so really look at it, gather that data, try to find some common points, notice the trends, and then create a plan or adjust something that's already going on a current plan of what you're doing to make things a little better. Right, and then see if that works. If it doesn't work, makes more adjustments, but always be Looking for that data that trends, what's going on? And so that's going to help you come up with some answers. And it may be a little bit of hit and miss. Maybe you misinterpreted something. Maybe it was just a one off thing, I don't know. But as you get more data and you start seeing more trends, you're gathering in times, and what was it about? Are they always fighting about the iPad, maybe I just need to put it up for a while. Because there is a lot of research showing that kids tend to be more disagreeable commensurate to the amount of time of screen time that they have. So the more screen time they have, the more argumentative and volatile they become. But we give it to them to keep them quiet. And it does. It'll keep them quiet for time. But then how are they after it? How are they when we take it away? And we have a plan for that, right? So let's think about some of those things. All right, let's keep going. So now that we've gotten a better idea of what's going on, and why our kids are fighting, and when and all of that. So let's come up with some of those solutions that we just talked about. And we're going to practice them. And then I'm going to talk about maybe building a toolbox for the kids. And I mean, really a toolbox, right? So with the younger children, the little guys, I'm talking about toddlers, now they're a toddler once they start learning to walk, so there's no set age, that you're toddlers, once you start learning to walk, you're a toddler before that you're an infant. Easy, right? And so when they're a toddler, they're going to need to practice things like asking for turn, can I have that? And then what to do? Someone says no, because if I'm not done with the Purple Crayon, I can say, you can have it when I'm done. But I want it now, right? Because the toddler waiting is very hard. So we might have a plan for what to do. If someone says no, we're going to help them with that we're going to need they need a little more supervision when they're a toddler. Right? And so Susie said no. So what are we going to do? While we're waiting for Susie? Maybe we're coming up with a plan of things, right? Okay. And then I really push this, this is one of the big things I do with my coaching is I really push for family. I don't know whatever you want to call it, family, night family, our family, whatever. But every week, at least once a week, if you can do it more, geez, the better, right? But we want to have a time when it's fun, everyone's relaxed. And we're going to practice some of those things so and kids love to roleplay they love to roleplay. And so we can practice, if mommy's coloring, and we can have our toddler Danny, come up and say I want the crayon in a minute. I'm not done. And he knows it's play. He knows it's practice, because it's family hour, right? It's whatever you want to call it. You can call it rocket Gibraltar for all I care. But you'd call it the same thing every time so that they know what this is. And that this is a fun time. It's a practice time. It's silly time, you can have games, you can have some kind of healthy treats going on. And so I'm coloring. Now I'm not going to make them wait very long, right? But I might count to 5150.

I'm done. Here you go. Danny, thank you for waiting. Right. And then we can talk about some of the things that Danny can do. So I might be drying. And so dad is over there helping Danny think of them sinks, he can jump up and down. He can turn in circles. He can sit quietly and wait. He can go get a book, we have all kinds of things that you can do while he's waiting for mommy to finish, right? The more you practice, the more invested it's going to be in him, the more natural it's going to be for him to know what to do when someone says Not yet. Right? Or in a minute or whatever that is, right. So we want to make sure that when we're doing this that everyone understands we're all calm. This is our fun time. This is our play time. We're going to role play and maybe and especially once they start getting into their preschool years now, unlike toddlers, it's not by when they learn to walk, it's an age. So three is considered preschooler three and then until they start kindergarten, so from three to kindergarten is preschooler, preschoolers love to roleplay and so you let them be the mom or the dad in a scenario Oh, and you'd be the kid. Oh my goodness, they think that's just heaven, right. And so you roleplay things a little bit, and what great fun that is. But they're practicing, they're learning. And you're learning to kind of how you sound how they think you sound anyway, right? Now, one of the fun things to do is to make a toolbox. And you might have, well, I just do it this way. So if you go to like the dollar store, or sometimes they have them at Target, I've seen them out Walmart, but you know, the best bet is often the dollar store. And you can find little plastic, actual toolboxes. They're small, they're just made for fun. And they cost $1. And I would go buy one for every kid in my class. And I'm a teacher, I have my own personal laminating machine at home. And I'll tell you, the small ones that you buy, like from Walmart, or Sam's Club, or Costco, or wherever Joanne's Michaels, they actually will laminate better than the ones at school, the problem is, they don't laminate as big, you're only going to laminate something in about it eight and a half by 11. Is is the size. And so we, you know, we can download pictures, or better yet, you can take a picture of your kid doing the whatever, and then laminate it and put it in the toolbox. And it's ways to solve a problem. So if your kids are arguing, then you can say, Hey, let's go and pull something out of the toolbox and see what it is. So you know, looking, you pull it out whatever solution it comes with, then that's what they do. So it could be take turns. It could be go play with something else. It could be whatever kind of things that you come up with, maybe you need mom's out, do you really the early mom cell because mom's gonna make us listen to everybody and take up all our time. But maybe you do need mom's help. So maybe it's go get a grown up to help. Maybe it is go to a quiet spot and calm down. So you can have all of these different things that you can choose to do. And then when the kids come to you, you can say, Is this the mom problem? Or is this a toolbox problem? And eventually, they're just not even going to come to you, they'll just go to the toolbox. And then eventually they want to go to the toolbox. They'll just start using those strategies on their own. Yeah. Isn't that something to celebrate, right. So if you have a little toolbox, and you can make something you know, you can make it out of, you know, those little gift cardboard gift boxes, or whatever. And those are easy to find, too. They're generally not $1. But whatever you have around, you can have the kids decorate it, whatever it is, but then that's sitting there. And that has solutions on how to solve a problem that are fit for your family, I hate to give you too many ideas, because I want you to figure out the ones that work for you, and work for your family, and your own values and your own personalities that are in your family. And maybe it's go outside and run around the backyard five times and get that energy off. Maybe that's something you're going to put in your toolbox. But I want you to find solutions that are good for your family and for your kids and their varying personalities and put those in the toolbox. And then they start using it. Totally cool. Right? Okay. Another thing that I want to talk about too, is consider Do you really need to get involved? Do they really need to have a grown up, come in and solve their problems every time? I'm going to tell you that's a bad strategy, because then you're going to wind up with kids as they're getting older, and they don't want your help. But they haven't learned how to solve problems in a positive manner. So they're just gonna get mad and yell and scream and pout. And that's their strategy. And how good is that? Does that something that is going to work well for your family, or for your kids? Usually not. And so we want them when they're young, to be able to learn these strategies. And so it's part of who they are. And they're going to be so much better off than these other kids that just learn to pout and yell and just insist and get snarky and whatever, to get their way because those are the strategies that have worked for them at home, but that's not going to work for them out in the world and in society, in business, right in their other relationships. How's that going to work in a marriage? It's not I have just tell you now, and I'm sure you're quite aware of that,

right? So we want to give them those opportunities to learn. So give them a chance to practice the things that they've learned. And so that's why, you know, we're graduating from going to an adult to go into the toolbox, then to having those, and not even needing the toolbox, but understanding what to do. And sometimes it's, you're gonna let them know that you trust them to find the answer. You know what, you guys are so smart, and you've been doing so well lately, I'll bet if you to go and sit down and just talk about it, I, I have every confidence that you too, can work this out and come up with a strategy, that's gonna work. And if you need to write it down, and figure it out, if you want to post it somewhere. That's, that's great. And if you need my help, you know, because sometimes, if they're younger, they might need you to type it out and put it on a poster board, you know, or on a paper and stick it up on the wall or whatever. Some kids really like that some kids don't, but some kids do. And so if that's what they want, and I'll be glad to help you. Once you come up with that, we'll get it all set up. But I'd love to hear what you come up with. And and kind of let them know that you trust them. And kids generally, her capable of far more than we think they are, right. And so and then again, just make sure you're not taking sides on it, because you don't know the whole story. Even if you're listening to both of them talk, you still don't know the whole story. Right? And if you have, we had one child in our family out of five, one that was just so easy to get along with and she didn't get angry, and she didn't push limits, and her room was generally clean. And if it got to a point, you know, where she was like, oh, yeah, I gotta clean this room. And it was usually way before I was like, Rocky, you gotta go clean your room. She was she'd already got a clean, where the others would push limits and, and test boundaries. And, you know, grades were more often an issue, Rocky, not so much. And so, you know, and like, my boys were adrenaline junkies, and I was always worried they're gonna get killed. One of their big adventures and

stuff and, and so and so it would have been very easy for me. And I think I was guilty of this from time to time have to admit it. Because she was so easy that I would tend to take her side on things I tried not to. I did, I really did. But, you know, it's just that what you're trying to tell me that she did this or that, right? She wasn't perfect. She wasn't perfect. And so you know, you really had to pay attention, you really have to be sure you're not taking sides do better than me. Make sure you're not taking sides, but just say this is what I'm hearing. This is what I'm hearing. You know, have I got it right. What do you and then let them come up with? So what's the answer, guys? Because I don't know. I mean, you know, and then you can go back to the values that you've instilled. And, you know, we'll have another talk about, you know, establishing family values and what's important to your family and, and what are the things so you can always go back to that, you know, do you have a family motto? I talk about a parenting plan, you know, how does that all of that fit? And so these are things that you can go back to you can refer your kids back to and say, how can we use these values to come up with a better plan that will make everyone more comfortable? That's a better answer for everyone. Right. Okay. So there we are. That's just that. And then really, the last thing that I really wanted to talk to you guys about is, is be sure to catch them being good when they're getting along. When they're sharing, when they're asking for permission. When they're doing all of those things, right? When they're helping without being asked all of those things. This is such a big one. This is going to have a huge impact on it. Because the truth is, you're gonna get more of what you pay the most attention to. So if they get the most attention by fighting an hour Going and all of a sudden you're there, you know, negative attention is still attention. I've said that before, right? They need your attention, and they will take negative attention over being ignored. And so if you want to give them positive attention, for doing positive things, right, then you're gonna get more of that positive. Now, is everything 100% and works every time. No, right? And so, but you can say things like, wow, you can be a great scientist someday, or I think you just might have the makings of a great therapist, or, you know, whatever it is, or they help with a boo boo, you know, they didn't run in and get mom, but, you know, every band aids you know, they've had that happen, right, I show up to go in there, like 10, bandages all open, and there's bandages all over, because someone fell and got a boo boo. And it's like, all you've really helped your sister, your brother, wow, you're gonna be a great doctor or nurse some day or whatever, you're gonna be a great problem solver. I see problem solving going on here. Watching that you're doing so great. Or, Wow, that was so kind or that was so smart. I would have never thought of that. Look how creative you are. Yeah, that wouldn't cover all kinds of things, right. And so just find the goodness in the things that they're doing, instead of jumping to get angry because they made a mess, but look at, like, from their point of view of what they were trying to do. Ah, that's wonderful. So are you done, you're gonna help clean up, and then you help them you get in with them clean, yeah, I want this cleaned up, by the time I get back, it's not going to be clean, it's going to be clean, if you help them and build that relationship while you're doing it. Right. That's, that's the whole story. That's the whole thing is building that relationship as you're working together. Right. 

So I know I'm running out of time. But I just love, like, I hope you pick up on this. I truly love talking to parents and coming up with solutions on the challenges that that you're facing, and all of those responsibilities of raising kids. You know, with kindness and with values, and in faith, and it's just my favorite thing to do. And we have so much fun together when when we talk and I'd love to have a conversation with you. And so I'm going to tell you that there's the link to my calendar, in the show notes that are down below. And honestly, I'd love for you to feel free to contact me. And I'd love to talk with you. So I give everybody a free 50 minute conversation and and we can share about the amazing things your kids are doing and, and what's going on in your home. And what are some of the questions that you have. And that's something I do for everyone. I just love connecting with people and, and seeing what's going on and, and sharing some of that fun. So I hope you'll take advantage of that. Because that's my very, very, very favorite thing to do. 

And so now, if you liked today's podcast, and you like some of what you heard, or all of what you heard, just be sure to rate and review and then go tell a friend, I heard this fun podcast and DJ is a little loony. But she's got some good ideas. And she's fun to listen to I Oh by him, let me know if I'm not. But let me know if I am too I'd love to get comments. And so you can do this on your favorite platform, of course, or if it's too hard, or you can't figure out how to do it. I know some of the platforms, it's a little harder to leave a review or a rating or whatever. You know, you can always make sure in the light I think a lot of you are already on it. But if you go to the podcasts website, which is just www.imperfectheroespodcast.com. Then on that webpage up at the top, you're gonna see reviews and you click on that and then there's just leave a review. And it's that easy. So it's right by resources. Yeah, right by there. And so you can just leave a review there. And always leave a comment. I love to hear your comments. 

So before we wrap up, I just want to make sure because I have this exciting opportunity coming up in November. I know that you can pre register now. Free, free free. I always do my challengers for free I never charge for them and And it started the next one starting on November's 13th. So it's coming up. And I'm hosting five days of service. And it's a challenge in the holidays are just around the corner. And it's not about the decorations. And it's not about the parties, it's about reaching out to others and, and teaching our children the joy of giving and creating meaningful experiences as a family. And so this challenge, this time is going to be a little bit different. And so every day, we're going to, excuse me, we're gonna work together to plan a service event

that truly matters to your family. And then on Thursday, we're going to put that plan into action. And then on Friday, we're going to have this reflective session for everyone that they can share, tell stories, what went wrong, what went right, but we're just going to have some fun with it, there are always going to be little ideas of things you can do every day, small things you can do. But you know, maybe it's something like gathering stocks to donate to homeless shelter, or collecting diapers in the neighborhood to donate to a woman's a woman's shelter, or some places have a diaper bank, right? Whatever it is that is meaningful to your family, books for a library or even a neighborhood book exchange thing. There's all kinds of things that you could do have a Christmas party and have everyone bring something that you're going to donate to a certain cause whatever that is. And so whatever you want to do, but we're going to talk about planning it, getting the kids involved, and putting it into action, how fun is that going to be. And so I want you to join us in spreading, you know, kindness and joy through service this holiday season. And you know, this is a chance to be somebody's superhero. Or maybe it's just being their special angel for the day. So keep an eye on your email. And if you're not on my email list, easy, easy to get on, it doesn't cost anything, you just go to my website, which is www dot Little Hearts Academy usa.com going because in the show notes, and you'll see where it just says sign up for our email. And you can get on that. And so you'll get all of the information. And you know, on that same website, you'll see where you the link where you can register, pre register for the challenge and just have it be a fun time for your family. And so I just hope you'll have a fun time and be a part of this heartwarming journey. And just embark on this with us and your loved ones and have some fun. So don't forget to check out us check us out on YouTube and rumble. So on YouTube, it's little hearts Academy usa.com. And on rumble, it's imperfect heroes. But you know if you just look for DJ Stutz either way, you're gonna find us. 

And now next week, I am talking with Jenna ponte. I can't say her last name, right? It's Jack Chick to kiss. I think she'll say it for me. She's told me it several times that I still can't get it right. Anyway, she is this amazing expert on outdoor spaces. And so whether you live in warm, cold or the frozen tundra, she can help you come up with a plan to set up your outdoors in a way so that your kiddos can actually have a ton of fun enjoying your outdoors. And so check it out and see and until next time. Let's find joy in parenting. Bye guys.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai