Episode 136: Nurturing Love: Essential Parenting Strategies

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.

DJ Stutz  0:10  
You're listening to Episode 136 of Imperfect Heroes, Insights into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host DJ Stutz.

Hello, and welcome to another episode of Imperfect Heroes Insights into Parenting, where we explore the extraordinary world of parenting. I'm your host, DJ Stutz, your go to early childhood specialist. I'm your podcaster. I'm an author, and I'm the happiest parent coach you will ever meet. There are some changes coming this year to the podcast and to my coaching business, which is Little Hearts Academy USA, and you will be able to learn more about them as the year goes on. The first change though begins today. And this year, we are adjusting our focus just a little bit to be more specific. And this is something that has been very close to my heart. And I've been pondering on it for a while. And so we are going to be spending time helping each other just laser in on using values and morals as we work to raise independent and kind and successful children. And so you are going to be hearing more from me. And I would love to have some of my listeners on the show as well discuss just the day-to-day joys and challenges of raising these little gifts from God that sometimes feel more like porcupines in a balloon factory. So keep listening and share with your friends. And if you would like to be part of the show, you can always just leave a comment down below. Or you can email me at DJstutz@LittleHeartsAcademyUSA.com. And that link is down in the show notes. And I'd love to hear from you if you would love to be a part of this show. 

All right. Well, this month's focus is on fostering love and how that affects the development of your kids in childhood. And so feeling loved and having those early experiences in early childhood really does have a huge role in shaping your child's sense of well being. It also has a role in their development, not only just their social emotional development, it also has an effect on their cognitive development, it can have even an effect on their growth, their physical growth, and their motor skills, whether it's the gross, the big muscle motor skills, down to the fine small muscle motor skills. And there's also huge benefits for both the baby and the parents as we help them in feeling that love making those connections. And those things that are going on with them in those early, early days. There is such an important piece that I think before they can actually feel love and understand what love is, I mean, think of a baby as just comes out of the womb, what does it know about love and what love is, it does very quickly, though, know about safety, am I safe, and when they feel safe, then they are free to start understanding and getting those feelings of being loved. Because first they have to feel love before they can offer love to anyone else, including mom and dad, siblings, grandma, grandpa, Auntie's cousins, and then it goes on and spreads from there. First thing that we can do to help our babies feels love is for them to feel safe. And so we want to be sure to create a spirit of that safety around our babies. And when does this start? Honestly, I think before they're born, I think I know. And there are some studies that are out there. It's harder to find those studies now than we've all gotten all woke. Anyway, don't get me started. But we do know that when babies are developing in the womb, and that womb happens to be in an environment that is high stress, that there's a lot of screaming and yelling going on. When mama doesn't feel safe. those stress hormones, not only get into mama, but they get into the baby. And so that can affect low birth weight, that can also affect premature birth. And so there's a lot of things that go on that let's really talk about what's going on in these early stages. From the moment that they're born. There's something called skin to skin contact. And this is so key and so beneficial to everyone involved. So the baby's born and one of the first things that they'll do, they'll clean them up, make sure they're breathing, get all of those key things done. And then right away, right to Mama's chest, and that skin to skin. So Mama doesn't have anything up here, baby doesn't have anything on. And then they we wrap them up, make sure they're safe and warm. And that is such an important time. This is moments after birth. But Daddy can get in on this to write within that first hour or so. If they can spend time skin to skin with both mommy and daddy. They are going to be developing those foundational early relationship foundations. That was a lot of foundation words there. But you know what I mean? So I'm will tell you about my middle daughter, Rocky, and some of you might have heard this story before. Okay, it's a great story. But her first child, Sylvan was a couple of days overdue. She went in for her checkup, and all her fluid was gone. Gone. And so the doctor said, yeah, we're just going to send you to the hospital. We are going to start you because you kind of made that fluid and said, No problem. I don't expect any problems. But we're just going to get you started. So we went to the hospital. I happen to be in town, of course. And so we went in Peter, her husband came, and they got her started. And she was having a lot of micro contractions, which she wasn't even feeling. And then she had one that she felt. And wow, that was kind of exciting. And then the second one hit. And Peter noticed that the baby's heart rate had gone significantly down during the contraction. And he looked at me and he said is the baby's heart rate supposed to be doing that? And he didn't even get that sentence all the way out. And a nurse was in the door. And she said, Oh, hey, let's check some things out. And so she had rocky moving around. And they tried a few things. And he said, Yeah, let's get some more people in here. And I mean, bam, within seconds. I think there were like nine people in the room. Peter and I just stood by the wall as tightly as we could to make room for people to do what they needed to. Again, within less than a minute. Someone had opened the door. There was a doctor walking by they grabbed him, said we need you in here right now. He came in and they were looking at it. Yep. We're moving her now. And so they put her on a gurney and put her on oxygen. And she was just scared. Her eyes were huge. And she looked at me and they're starting to roll her out. And I said, you're okay, the baby's gonna be okay. We're fine. You're fine. And they wheeled her out. And honestly, it was like something on a TV show. You know, they're running down the hall. And they're holding the bag and shouting orders. And it was just so surreal. So we're following. And they stopped us right at the doors to the surgery rooms. And they said, Peter, and DJ, we're going to stop you here as we assess what we're going to do. Peter, let's go ahead and get you in some scrubs, in case they let you in. That was a sign. Okay. So he went in changed, and then came out. And the nurse came and said, Do you have your cell phone on you? And he said, Yes. Let me have that. I'll take pictures, you're not going to the Oh. So we went into the recovery room. And we weren't there long. There's this brought us each some water. And the nurse came in and said, Okay, this is what's going to happen with the baby when the baby comes in and data. And so Peter said, Well, how long before he's born, and she said, Oh, he's here. What it was so fast from the time of for that second contraction to His birth was less than 10 minutes. And so they knocked her out so they could do the C section quickly. They actually nicked his head because there was no fluid in there to be a buffer or whatever. And so not long, they brought them both in so they had been able to knock her out but they didn't have time to give her any pain medication. So when she woke up full on felt everything that they had done to her body, the cutting her the whole thing. And so she woke up and she was like, feeling everything. So they brought in Sylvan. They brought in Rocky, and they were having to attend to her medically just because of the pain and the quickness of everything. And the nurse said Oh, I see that you are down for skin to skin. And Peter said yes, we'd put Sit down. And she said, Well, we've got to attend to her. She can't do it right now, do you want to do it? He says, I can do that. Oh, yeah, his shirt came off so fast.

They brought this little baby and he held them. And they wrap them up. And here's Peter daddy, holding this brand new infant doing that skin to skin contact. And I will tell you that Sylvans eight now, and those two are buds, they are so tight. And I think it's more than just that. He's very patient that he involves Silvan in basically everything. But those two are so tight and so close. And so I do believe that skin to skin spending that time having time with both mom and dad, being able to invest in that experience really does make a difference for both baby and the parents. We do know, medically that for mom having that skin to skin contact moms that do that actually recover faster, their milk comes in stronger and faster. The babies actually recover from that it's pretty dramatic being born. That's a Whoo, busy business. And so the babies actually do recover faster, they do better with their scores, if they have that skin to skin contact. And so it's good for everybody all around when that happens. And you can continue that skin to skin contact frequently throughout that first year of life. And that's going to help bond them even older siblings can do it too. And there's the bomb that will be created with that. So it's getting them off to a really great start at the beginning. And that feeling of safety and security, which is really what we need our kids to have as they're growing up so that they can feel loved. If they don't feel safe, they're not going to feel loved. That's just kind of how it works. So let's talk about further strategies that we can use with our little guys. So we really want them when they're those babies and in their infancy, that frequent eye contact, singing to them smiling, cuddling them, all of that is just so important. And there was a study done with a mom and I watched this when I was in college where they had the baby, and she was just deadpan in front of the baby, no emotion, no reaction, just very deadpan. And the baby wouldn't look at her baby was looking anywhere but at her. And then she started opening up and she smiled, eye contact, and she was cooling. And the baby looked right at her and responded and started moving in a very excited and positive way. And you could just see a whole difference in the aura of the baby. And then she stopped, went back to the dead pan and the baby turned around again and wouldn't look at her look away. And so just that eye contact and that smile and that loving attitude, as you're just even looking at the baby is going to make a huge difference. But time cuddling and singing and just relaxing and enjoying that baby is going to give them that sense of safety. Now you and I both know, all babies cry. And they don't always cry or in the day. They cry at night to write when you need to sleep. Or when you need to get other things done, they're going to cry. And so it's really important that you don't let that get to you that when you're dressing the baby, you've taken a breath, go get a drink of water, or whatever it is that not the alcohol yet. You want to be sober when you're holding on to the baby. But whatever. And you want to be able to hold on to that baby in a loving, kind attitude that exudes you are safe with me. Even though I desperately need to sleep. You are safe with me and I love you with all my heart. And that's when the baby is going to feel safe. When you are exhausted and you start screaming at the baby. You hurt and both of you. And so you want to make sure that you are able to do that now if you can tag team with the other parent. Do it. Yeah, tag team. That's great. And let each other have some time. If you have a sibling or a parent that can come in or a best friend, whatever they can come in and help you so that you're getting some time to sleep. Great. If you can get six straight hours of sleep three or four times a week, you'll be okay. And there's so many reasons. The only thing a baby has to communicate with you is their cry. That's really it. And so they're uncomfortable, they're hungry, they're wet, they're not feeling well, they're bored. They're lonely, they haven't been held in a while, and they need to be held. There's just so many reasons that a baby will cry. And they don't have the words to express what it is they want. And so they will cry, sometimes they just need to cry. It's a way of strengthening their lungs. It's a way of developing their lungs as and clearing them out. And so maybe it's just a physical need that they have that they need to cry. If they just need to cry, and you've done everything that you can think of, and they're still crying. You just need to hold them and let them cry, and rock them and just let them cry. And I have had nights where I just cried with them. We just sat and cried together. Okay, but maybe taking them outside and letting them have some fresh air. I've had that help, or anything that you can do to help with the baby. And again, having some friends or family that can kick in and help for a little while is going to be huge as well. Okay, so let's think about that and making sure that they feel safe all the time. They don't feel threatened by you. Oh, yeah. Don't let them feel threatened by you. That just scares me. And then they start getting mobile, returning toddlers, and you think, Who is this monster? Right? They're getting into things. They are having tantrums. You hear I get I get right, we do it. Yeah, all that stuff. You're gonna start hearing that. And it's a bit of a pain. But okay. That's where we are. So that's where we're going to deal with, right? We don't need to be threatened because all of this is developmentally appropriate. So are we going to get mad at our kids for development for developing appropriately? Doesn't mean that we have to put up with it. But we're just going to help them through it. Right? We're going to teach them work through it. And then they'll get there. Now, even little babies, right? When they're little teeny guys. They're not even mobile. But if you're holding them, I wear glasses. What's one of the things they're going to go for? Right, right for the glasses? No, no. And you're going to pull their hand away right now for you. And then you're going to engage them and play with them something, and they might fixate? Here's the studies. If they keep going through your glasses, and you keep No, no, let's play, play play. And you're going to have to pull their hand down. No, no, no, no glasses, and then you redirect attention or give them another toy or whatever. It's going to take minimum 100 repetitions of saying no, no, no, for them to get it. That's minimum. It could take up to 400. So that's all normal. That's all normal. Now, if you decide I'm just going to spank their hand, no, no. Right? Guess how many tries it's going to be with? I mean, spank your hand. A minimum of 100 tries. So anywhere between 100 to 400. Oh, same, same. Which one's going to benefit your relationship with your truck? Yeah. So think about that, right? Same thing for toddlers. They're going to go for something they shouldn't. The light socket, with every kid being different with my youngest son, Christian. We had the plugs, right, the outlet covers, he knew that did not look right. He was determined. He was going to get those out there. They didn't belong in there. And so he was actually worse with the plug outlet covers than if I just left them alone. Cuz you didn't think they belong there? He was right? So gotta know your kid. But you have to take them away. say nope, not there. My oldest Candace would get it right away. Actually, if she went to a stereo at my mom's house, she'd go for the stereo. Now, Candy can't have that. No touch, no touch sweetie. And we take her and show her something else. Most of the time, she wouldn't go back. I'd tell her once and that was it. But she was the only one I had that way.

Every kid is different. But most kids on average, it's like 100 repetitions. That's normal. So don't get mad at them over it. Just know 100 repetitions or more. And that's normal. So we're just going to talk to them. Tell them If it's something that's safety, or you're concerned about it, maybe you put it up, or they can't reach it out of sight out of mind, and go from there. If you walk into the kitchen, and you're one and a half, two year old, has just taken the box of Cheerios and poured them over their head, and it's all over the kitchen floor, and they aren't 77. And they're crunching them and munching them and playing with them and throwing them around or whatever. Whoa, you can lose your mind and get upset about it. What does that do to safety? Or you can say, Wow,

you found the Cheerios, didn't you? Yeah. We don't play with our food though, buddy. Yeah. Or you could say, Wow, you found that Cheerios. What do you do with those? Let me see. And maybe they're stepping, crunching down their plan moving them, you can join in the fun. Have them help you clean it up. Yes, a one and a half year old can help you. They can hold the dustpan as you scoop them up, put them in the trash. And then you can learn that wasn't a good place to keep them. I better find another place. Yeah. And now what's that done to your relationship? And they're gonna learn, they're gonna learn. So think about positive ways that you can teach a lesson enforce a boundary. Just because you're being nice doesn't mean boundaries gone. It's like Quit hitting your sister. Okay, I guess only you hit that feel safe. I'm tired. makes so much sense, doesn't it? And yet we all do it. I did it guilty. And then you realize how silly it was? Okay. Okay. So really think about that. Think about how you're going to reinforce your boundaries. Do you have routines in place, so that they know Oh, after dinner, we do this. After this, we do that. Whatever the routine is, when I come home from school, I put my backpack here. I would suggest that you have playtime after school so that they are getting their movements out. They've been in school all day. And so have playtime, join in with them, or just send them in the backyard, go have fun, enjoy yourself, go play in the backyard, build something. And then they can come and do their homework. But they need that time to oxygenate their brain. And they'll do much better. They'll do much better with the homework if they've had some playtime before. And then you get to a point where they're going to what dance or karate or soccer or whatever. And I'd be careful not to over schedule them. But have fun with them. Enjoy and be supportive. And then talk to them about being kind and this is how we show up. Does your brother feel safe when you're doing that? Does your sister feel safe when you're doing that? Yeah. Yeah. So there's a lot of ways to do that. I can't, I don't have time to go over all of it. In this, but we can talk further if you want some more information. I've always loved talking to my listeners and my parents, and I love it. But there's so many ways that you can make your kids feel safe. But the key is, are we smiling at them? are we engaging with them in positive ways, when they're very little? The things that happen in that first year of life is going to set the tone for so many things the rest of their lives, things that they have no memory of. Are you arguing with your spouse with the child in the home? I don't care if they're asleep. They're picking it up. Oh, they're just a baby. They don't know. They know. And their body, their mind, their muscles will remember all of that. All of that. What kind of music do you want to have in the home? That's gonna set a tone for it to Sorry, guys. It is. And there's fun positive music that is encouraging and fun to have. But is it screaming and yelling music, save that for later. But if they're in the house, they're going to pick up on it. If there's yelling and arguing and screaming, they're going to pick up on that. And there are studies that are done that children who are even in that first month of life are exposed to trauma and whether that is trauma on them. insecurity and stability in where they are living, stability on whether they are being hit or others around them are being hit. If they are exposed to that, even just in the first month of life, there are consequences throughout the rest of their lives that they will have to deal with. And some will deal with it better than others. Because everyone has a different personality, but they will be dealing with things will trigger them clear well into their adulthood. from something that happened that first month of life, be protective of that, be so protective of that time, that first year is key, all their childhood is important. That first year, though, is especially key. And so we want them to feel safe and valued and a lot of cuddle time. And I can remember a mom saying you're spoiling that child, that child's three months old, am I spoiling that child? Just that first year of life is you don't spoil them, you love them. You love them. And then as they start growing and are expanding into that curiosity piece, and they're investigating, and they're learning, well, Curiosity is part of what they're supposed to do. And so we want to set things up. Now, do we want to make sure that they know the rules and the boundaries, or their boundaries about being in the backyard? Or their boundaries about in the kitchen? Or where we go? Yeah, there are. And so remember that 100 rule. And so you're gonna have to redirect them many times, the best way to redirect them is to redirect them, and engage them in something else to get their mind off of what that is, whether it's stereo, or your glasses, or your phone or whatever, but have something else to grab their attention and their interest as you are redirecting them. But you're gonna say the words No, we don't touch that. No, that's not for you. This is for you. But that's not for you. Let's play with this. Yeah, you want to make sure that we're setting boundaries, we're consistent with the boundaries. And we're setting them through love and kindness. And that's what they'll learn. One way that you can tell how you're doing with this is watch how they are with their dolls, with their siblings with their friends. Okay, so sometimes even if you're like, sweetie, Sweetie, sweetie parent, and you're being extra permissive, whatever you want. I want this now. Well, you've got it sweetheart. You may be feeding into that self absorbed, bullying, impatient, can't wait. entitlement. You could be feeding into that. And so you may hear them start bullying and stuff and, and yelling at friends and dolls and whatever, even though you don't yell. But you've supported that personality style. Other times, if you're a young, you know, if you're yelling a lot, or you're spanking or whatever, and you watch them with their dogs, they're treating them the way they hear you. Okay, so just watch how they are interacting and see, oh, how am I doing? And then correct it? Well, another way that your kids are going to really feel love. And this is more as they get older, I would say in the maybe preschool on even into teenagers, actually. But is when you're upset. Have you ever done this, I've done this and you're really upset or you're really intense on something, something's happened, and you're really intense, or you're really angry about how something happened or how it went. And so you're talking to them, and all of a sudden you realize I am yelling? When did that happen? When did I start yelling? I am like really yelling? You can keep yelling, that's a choice. Or you can say wait. When did I start yelling? I'm yelling and your kid will be like, Yup, you're yelling, and say, Alright, take a breath. I still need to talk to you. But I need to talk to you. Not yell at you. Give me a minute here. Take a breath. You're gonna need to get a drink water. Let's go Come with me. You probably need to drink water too. And go that way. If they see you correcting yourself, maybe they're yelling back at you. Maybe that's what started you yelling because they were ramping it up. And so you felt like oh, I have to equal that energy. Well, all that's going to do is make more energy. You're only going to calm that down. If you're calm down. You're still saying things you need to say. But you're not yelling. And really, what you need to do if they're that upset is listen until they're done talking. And then you're gonna say okay, this is what I heard. And even if they're upset, you're not going to be. Right. So that's something that you can do. And they see you do that they see you stopping, they see you regulating yourself. And they see you respecting them to the point that you're saying, Whoa, I did not mean to yell at you, I value you too much. That is not the way for me to treat people I love. So let's start again, let me hear what you had to say. You were drying? What were you saying?

Right. And then they're going to start understanding how to correct themselves when they're in the wrong, but they're gonna say, Wow, mom really cared enough, her dad really cared enough that they stopped. Because if you're yelling, they're not learning anything. All they're thinking about is how do I make them stop, they need to get away, I need to get away. Somebody has to get away, I want the yelling to stop. That's all that's going through their mind. I'll say whatever you want me to say. I will agree to whatever you want me to agree to. I won't do it. But I'll agree to it so that you'll stop yelling and go away. That's all that they're doing. So think about how you're addressing them. Are you addressing them? Like, there's someone you love. And I know that there are challenges in raising kids. Of course, they're meant to be challenges, they help us grow. That's part of it. Right? So let's talk about doing the things that are going to make them feel loved, that are going to make them feel like they count. But it's going to help them understand I have boundaries. There are ways that you treat people that you care about, and you don't cross certain lines. We can talk more about that. If you're interested, I would love to talk to you, it would make my day to talk to you. I love it when I'm talking to my parents. So if you are interested and would like to spend some time talking with me, I would love to have that happen. So down in the shownotes, there's a couple of things that you should know there's a link to my calendar. And if you really would like to all of my listeners get a no cost 50 minute conversation with me. And we can take that wherever it needs to go. And issues you're having questions you have, I am more than happy to spend that time with you. And another thing is down in the shownotes is the link to my email, then so if you have some questions or want to contact me on anything, or you're unsure about having that conversation, you can always email me It's DJ Stutz. At Liberal Arts Academy usa.com You'll see right there, little hearts Academy, USA, that's the name of my company. And so that's it little hearts Academy usa.com. And you can email me, and I always get back to my listeners who email me and it's me, not anybody else. So it's just so those are a couple of things that you can do. If you have more questions, would like to talk further. We're here. And I have a lot of really good answers. And I have fun. And I just believe that parenting is difficult, but it's also joyful. And we are meant to be joyful in the things that we do and the lives that we live and the lives that we create. And so I am here to help you with that. And the truth is, nobody has all the answers in raising kids, we know every child is different. Just like every parent is different. And every family situation is different. But having someone on your side that has the education, and the experience that can offer maybe another point of view, that includes finding joy, that includes looking at your child's strengths and your own genius. You had your own genius things that you're really good at. And let's celebrate that. And then let's use that as you start navigating these crazy waters of parenting. And so if you are ready for a little help or support or just need someone who just has your back, you're probably ready for a parent coach. And I would love to be that parent coach. So just click on a link or two or whatever it is. 

And now before you move on to the next great thing that's happening in your life, whether it's playing with your kids are folding that last batch of laundry or getting back to your work, would you please just hit the Follow button to make sure that you're getting in on all the amazing episodes that we're doing each week. We drop a new episode every Monday. And then also, if you like what you heard in today's podcast, would you be sure to rate and review and just tell a friend about us. It's so easy but it also helps us to reach more families and to help more families that are out there and And you can always find us also on YouTube and Rumble. Were good for that. And next week, we are continuing with our theme of teaching our children about love, and making sure that our kids are feeling loved all the time. And that they understand about the different types of love that are in our life. You know, love for mom and dad for family. We can have love for our teacher. How many times have I had my students tell me, they love me, but that's different than the love that we have for family. And so even that they can feel loved when they're in trouble or times when they feel like they're just unlovable. We've all had times like that, but we want to make sure that we may are tuned in to that so we can make sure that they are feeling loved in those crazy times. So until next time, guys, let's find joy in parenting. We'll see you!

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