Episode 139: Raising Little Love Bugs. Empowering Children to Express Affection Appropriately

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes Podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.

DJ Stutz  0:09  
You're listening to Episode 139 of Imperfect Heroes, Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host, DJ Stutz.

Well welcome heroes and heroines back to another episode. And this whole month, we have been talking about love, of course, and how do we help our children to feel love in their home. So we know that they can't show love until they feel loved, they can't feel loved, until they feel safe. And so that's just a general path to follow as you're working on it. But before we get started, I just wanted to share with you that we found out that there were some problems on the website and the place where you would click to sign up for our newsletter, which only comes out twice a month. It's not like we inundate you with a bunch of stuff. But the place that you would click to sign up just kind of disappeared, I don't know where it went, but it went. And so we have fixed that. And so now both on the website for my business, which is www.LittleHeartsAcademyUSA.com. And the website for the podcast, which is www.imperfectheroespodcast.com, you're gonna find a little pop-up when you go there. And so you can just click on that sign up for the newsletter, of course, it's free. And like I said, it's only twice a month or about every other week, I guess. And we just share with things about the podcast we share about upcoming events that I'm going to be at, I've got another book that's going to be coming out a companion piece do Roman is bigger, but that's going to come out in the summer. And so you'll get all the info on that, we're also going to be putting in just some tips and tricks and ideas for you to think about as you're raising your little guys. So I hope that you will join us and have some fun with the newsletter. And please, if there are parts of it that you think could stand improvement, or there are parts that you especially like, let us know, because we will be sure to take all of that into consideration and try to make some adjustments so that we meet your needs, right? That's also important. 

All right, let's get going. So we know that as our children begin to feel safe in your hands and your heart, and you're teaching them about love, things are so crucial and so important. And so we want to teach them how to show love. We want them to learn how to show love to each other if that we've got siblings and family members. And then as they grow and show some love in the world, right? We could use a little a lot, just saying, and there's no better place to start with all of that, until you're in the home. That's the best place. And so usually, when we ask kids, so what is love, you know, the little cuties, we get a list of things that we do. And certainly action is part of love and how we show love. And what love is, I found this cute little video by Samaritan's Purse, and I put the link in the show notes so that you could go and see it's like four minutes long. It's not long, but it's so adorable with little kids talking about love. And so it'd be probably worth a little clip there. But how do we teach them that love is so much more than just being kind? We should be kind at will. And we should love everyone, but not in the same way. There are different types of love? And how do we teach our kids about that? How do we teach them appropriate ways to show our love in different situations and to different people? And so that's what we're kind of talking about today. All right. So we're first we're going to start out with that foundation, building that foundation of love. Now we've talked about how we built the foundation of them feeling love. And we've talked a lot about that with Dr. Sally and with Janet Jones. And with my first episode, though I did about four weeks ago. But as we hold our babies and as we've talked about how we build that foundation of that relationship with our kids, we also before they even understand the words, we're going to talk to them about how they love their family. We love our sister and our mommy and our grandma. Talk to them about all of the people that they are going to get to love as they grow and live through life. There's a song that I've sung it with, you know, I teach with the little guys at church and now I'm actually like kind of in the leadership of that instead of a teacher but it's kind of fun doing that. But even in my kindergarten class with my grandkids and Oh, this, I would sing this song with them when we would talk about family love. And it was called happy family. And so forgive my voice. I know, it's horrible. It's terrible. But here's how it goes. I love mommy, she loves me. We love Daddy. Yes, sir re, he loves us. And so you see, we are, be family. And then we could go on even. And I would sing that to my babies in arms as I'm rocking them, as I'm preparing. That's one of the songs of the many that I would sing to them. But it's fun when you get to teaching like with the preschoolers and with kindergarteners, and we start talking about other people that you love. And let them come up with the ideas. You know, invariably, you come up with brothers and sisters and grandma and grandpa and auntie and uncle and cousins and friends, and the list kind of expands. But it's so nice for kids to see. And to be thinking about who do I love, and who loves us goes both ways, you know, most of the time. And so that's just a fun way to start it out. And then as they start kind of reaching out and expanding and growing, we're gonna start with words like Wu soft touch, instead of they don't mean to hit when they're really little, they're just aggressive, and they don't have control of their arm and body movements so much. And so we can say, oh, no, no soft, we take their hand and we're going to touch them softly, right. And we talk about we are soft, because we love them. We love the baby, we love our doggy, we love our kitty cat. And we are going to be gentle. We want them to feel safe, because we love them. And you're going to just start using some of that language with them as they're just getting started and are reaching out physically, and they're interested. And so they're going to start learning that body control. But we're going to start using that language of we love our whatever. And so we want them to feel safe, we're going to be gentle, gentle touch, gentle, soft. Yep, we love that. Okay, so that's kind of how we even get started. And then as they get going, we're going to start talking to them about those early actions of love. Generally, around the age of three, you know, they're more mature, maybe a little before and less mature a little after, you know, kids grow at their own rate and develop. And so we're going to start introducing these acts of kindness, like helping out saying, I love you, and maybe coming up with a surprise for somebody because we love them. And we want to do something nice for them, as I already said, talking about being gentle and kind. And then when we tell them that when we love somebody, these are the things that we do. So so often, I'm seeing, and I'm sure you are to people who are in relationships, and even like teens, and they start doing the cute little boyfriend girlfriend like I like Joey, I've seen it in preschool and whatever. And it's so cute. But this is a great time to start talking to them about well, what do you like about joey or Susie? Right? And well, how do they talk to you? And how do they treat you? And what do you do for them if you like them, right? Because they're just starting out. They see it in society, they see it with mom and dad, hopefully a lot with mom and dad. And they're wanting to try that out. They don't really understand what that whole love is. But they think someone a little girl is pretty or little boy is funny. Or he's handsome, or he's whatever. But ask them, What is it you like about them and start getting them to think about why do I like this person? Anyway, that's a good good, good time to start with age appropriate, very simple conversations with kids. And when they start talking about someone they like, start asking those questions. Okay. And then one of the things that we do to show somebody that we love them as we go help them, right, and so if they're trying to get something done, we go help them if they need help getting because sometimes older siblings like to help younger siblings when they're not too old. Right. Although I will tell you my mom had her last month, the seventh, my youngest brother Dan, when it was two weeks before I turned 17. Anyway, so I was almost 17 It was the summer before my senior year of high school. And here was this brand new little baby Well here I am at that age and it was like Oh baby, he slept in my room and I took care of him and so it ebbs and flows with how interested they may or may not be in little one, especially like if they are too Three, four years old. Oftentimes they want to be involved in caring for the baby. And so let's go help. You can go get me a diaper, can you go get me a onesie? And oh, I think I need some socks, can you help me find socks for a little baby, and they will be really excited about that. But then you need to notice that, wow, these ducks are going to keep our baby warm, their toes warmer, they feel so much better when their diapers dry. And you talk to them about why we do these things to help them because it helps them feel better. Well, how does it make them feel better? And

how does it make their life easier, because that's one of the things when you love somebody, you work to make their life a little easier if you can, right? Sometimes as parents, we have to step back and watch them fall a little bit, so that they learn about that failure is not a bad thing. Right. But when they're little, we're still teaching them about how to reach out and to help. So there we go. And then once they hit, oh, probably the preschool age or into kindergarten, they are going to start understanding deeper emotions. They're going to understand that it goes beyond just actions. But you can talk to them more about, well, what how do you feel when that brand new baby wraps their little hand around your finger? To me, it's like magic. But talk to them about how does it feel what's going on in your body, what's going on in your mind and your heart when some of these things happen. And you're able to help them to identify that emotion that's going on inside them. That is in addition to the actions that they're going to be taking When you love somebody. And then we can talk to them a little bit about when you love someone, you want to keep them safe, both physically, and we want to keep their hearts safe, they seem to enjoy that language, we want to keep their heart safe, so that they know that you're there to protect them and to take care of them and to play with them and to be their friend and all of that kind of stuff. And so you want to see them happy, you would even be willing to give up something of yours or wait longer for you to get something that you want. Because it would make them happy, it would help them out it would make their life easier if you pause a little bit, and then go on. And it's kind of fun that next month. And we'll be starting next week with an episode on our new theme for March. patients. And so being patient with someone else is another way that we can show love to someone. And so it's kind of fun, how our themes are just feeding on each other. And as we grow and they're connecting with each other. So that's kind of fun. So another thing that you want to do is you want to be careful with your words, so you don't hurt their heart. And sometimes when they're young and when they're teenagers. But if you start with them when they're young, with talking about the words that you use, and yeah, we can be upset, we can be disappointed, we can be frustrated, and all of that can come out. But how can we say those things in a way that is actually going to be helpful? And not just make everybody feel bad? Because how does that help. And so you want to start teaching them early on to use those words, even when you're mad. And they'll say I hate you. And man that hurts as a mom or a dad when your child says that, and you tend to not show it. But you will well, okay, you can hate me, but you still can't run with a knife. Right, you can still run with scissors, you You still can't hit your brother in the face. But other things, though, that you can do is you can say I know that you're upset with me, and that you really want to data. My job is to keep you safe. And so I understand that you're mad. Let's talk about though what's really going on? Do you really hate me? Or are you just upset? Because you can't get that at that? Can we find something else that you can do, but talk about using those harsh words that they're using? If we can get them in the habit again, when they're little it's going to be easier as they grow? Now, is there 100%? Nope. I have seen amazing parents that have had kids just for whatever reason get into trouble as they get older. I even have a friend who amazing parents, she's just amazing. She's loving. She's hard working. She teaches her kids to work, and she works with them to be kind to one another. And yet she's still wound up with his son who wound up getting involved with drugs and eventually landed in jail. Does that mean she's a failure as a parent? I don't think so. I know her well enough. And I've seen her work in that I know. And so there's nothing that's going to be 100%. And so I want you to really consider that. But what we can give is our best effort. Does that mean it's perfect? No, it's not perfect. Nobody's been perfect. Nobody will be perfect, but we can give our best effort and we can stop and think how Can I help my child? How can I make this better? How can I maybe set things up. So right now we're going to try and set things out so that our children, at least are learning the words that they can use as they get older, it will increase your chances of them getting along and all of that. And there's some other things, of course, that are going to be put into the pot to help give them the best opportunities that we can. But this is one of the things that we can do to help them to teach them to love their family, to be loyal, all of those things, right. We also when we love somebody, we want them to stay out of trouble. And so maybe you need to tell them, I can't do that with you. I'm not going to help you do something that's going to get you in trouble. Why don't you come with me, and let's go do something else. You can start using some language like that. I have. So you hear me talk a lot about some of my grandkids. And so I have got really two sets that are in that younger age. I know they're all growing up on me. So I've got Sylvan and the Ingrid. I call her ag a lot. So they're interchangeable. And then I have a Mara and Lachlan. And they're about the same age as Sylvan and ag. But Sylvan is very thoughtful, and rule oriented. And that's just the way he is he couldn't be more opposite. And so there was one time when the family had a rule about screen time, and what you can see when you're on the screen, and blah, blah, blah, well, I was on the phone with my daughter. And she started laughing, because Silvana come down and said, Mom, okay, so I know that we're not supposed to get on the screen without asking first, but he is on the screen, but I want to come as permission for her because she forgot, and I don't want her to be in trouble. When I've told that story. I've had other people say, Oh, he's just trying to get her in trouble, like he's telling on her. And you don't know, Sylvan. Sylvan actually does not want her to get in trouble. And he worries about that a lot. He's that kind of kid. So they worked it out on the phone. It was really fun listening to them. Then I've got with Amara and Lachlan. And I see Amara frequently helping Lachlan are saying you don't want to get in trouble. We've got to stop that. And because she's the older sister and locklin's The younger one and again, Lachlan is the one that's like, more playful and energetic. And Amara, she can be that way too. But she again is more thoughtful, and so is trying to help. When you see them doing stuff like that, you can say I so appreciate that you were keeping your brother, your little sister, whatever out of trouble. And that's a sign. That's how you show them that you love them. You keep telling them and giving them those words. And so you notice the things that you can say to them, and make sure that whoever is receiving that love action, that kindness, say you're making their heart shine, you're the one that makes their heart shine, because you put that smile on their face, you kept them out of trouble, you kept them safe, all of those things, you made their heart shine, and then you can go forward with that. And they will relate to that they'll start relating to that, like I said, maybe three into four or five around there. Okay, so now we've got this little family thing. And we've been teaching them about how we love mommy, how we love daddy, all of those things. But now they're getting older, and their circles are expanding. So if they're going to preschool or if they're going to church group or a play session, or school or whatever, their family is going to expand and they're going to have friends. Are we teaching them that we only love family? Of course not. We wouldn't ever teach them that. But we do want to teach them about how things are different. We may love our family differently from our friends. And that's right and proper. And that's fine. How is it different for friends? How was that something that changes, because a lot of the things may be the same, but the emotions how you feel inside is different. It's different from when you go play with your friend out in the backyard than when your little brother or sister wraps their finger around you, or puts their arm around you and says I love you in that innocent little way. And so it is a little different with our friends. We enjoy spending time with them. We have fun with them. We laugh together, we create things together while we could be building things, or do we pretend play and whether it's princesses or pirates, right? They love to pretend dress up and have fun. They love building things boys and girls putting things together and creating whatever it is that they want to create and we have ways to help them and supplies to give them to help them build those things

with our friends. We watch Oh for each other. So I have twin brothers that are like 10 years younger than me. And I think they were about four. And we had a empty lot next to our house, which is kind of rare in Los Angeles. But we had this empty lot next to us in our neighborhood. And that was a big place for the kids to come and play. My mom loved it, because she could keep an eye and all of that, well, my grandma was visiting my grandma, my pops had just passed. And so she was inside and trying to take care of things with her and all sudden one of the neighbor kids comes busting through the door, something's wrong with the twinner. They both have the same nickname. They're identical twins. Everyone just called them Twitter. But something's wrong with Twitter. Come, come, come, come, come, come. And we all go rushing out. And he's unconscious, like unconscious on the ground. And of course, we scoop him up and rush them off, I had to stay home to watch the other kids. My mom and my grandpa's go rushing off, no cell phones back then no now, but once it got to the hospital that called my dad. And honestly, if that little friend hadn't rushed in, knew we need a grown up, I need a grown up. This is not good. A few minutes later, we would have lost my brother. So that little friend actually saved his life by coming in and telling, watching out for him paying attention, knowing when he needed more help than they could give him and going and getting it so we can teach our kids actually very young. If someone's hurt, what do you do? If someone's getting in a fight? What do you do, and you can do all of these things. Then if you've listened to me much, you know that I'm real proponent of having family meet, you can call them whatever you they are. But basically, they're a family meeting at least once a week and giving them chances to act out and pretend play. And they're practicing different scenarios of things that may happen in their lives. And while everyone's calm, and we're having fun, and we can even do some dress up and bring up mommy and daddy shoes, all kinds of things that we can help them with kids love to dress up. But they love pretend play. And so let's pretend play all these different situations where we can show how to act in any scenario. And then they've practiced it, of course, you're gonna have to do it more than once. They're little guys, they beat into their brain. Here I am an old fart. And I need to be shown things three or four times before it actually sinks in and make sense to me. We're going to help our friends also, just like brothers and sisters make good decisions. And so if they want to go off and maybe take something that doesn't belong to them, then we're gonna say no, that's not okay. I'm not gonna do that. It's really hard for little kids, it's so hard for grownups to stand out to our own friends. It's easier when it's someone you don't like. But when it's your friend, it's harder. And that brings you back to Harry Potter never long bottom Book One, when Harry and Ron and Hermione are all going to take off in the night, and Neville sees them and he knows they're not supposed to go. And he knows that they'll get in trouble. And he stands up in front of them and says no. And we know that that's hard for our kids. But that is the loving thing to do is to help them so that they're not getting in trouble. They're making good decisions. We can teach them to do kind acts, we can practice kind acts. But we do all of that with our kids when they're young, and they're starting to spread out. But we always teach them that friends are great, but family comes first every time. That's one of my mottos anyone I work with, they hear that all the time family first, every time. And I can tell you that as a young child, I was small, I had to form deers. And I've had them surgically altered. I had problems with my ankles, deformities and my ankles. And so I had to wear specialized shoes that would support my ankles and to get them closer to where they should be. And so here I was teeny. And I had a hearing issue that hadn't been identified. And so I would get confused easily. And I would think I heard what someone said, but it wasn't right. And then I'd be confused as well. Why wasn't it right, because I didn't know I had a hearing problem, because that's the way I'd always heard. So I would get teased a lot. And sometimes kids would actually physically knock me down and start hitting me and beating me on my face and my body, especially after school walking home from school. And I can tell you that there were times that I have two brothers just younger than me, they would come if they saw that they would run up and they would match the energy. You don't hit my sister, and they would run them off and they would get together and stick up for me. That really meant something to me that I felt safer with them there. But I was so grateful that they would come to my rescue even if it was one of their friends that was picking on me. And so kudos to brothers, right, goodness, two brothers and make those feelings really, really strong. Okay, so now we've got our friends and now there's another circle. Oh of love that can go on how many times have eyes a teacher been told by a student, they'll come, they'll grab my leg and Mrs. Stets, I love you. And I know that they're just learning about that they like me a lot. And that's great. But they're confusing those emotions with familial love. And I do love my students, my kids will tell you, I would spend nights worrying about them and their situations that they were in. And so we want to be able to talk to our kids about having adults in their lives and having those strong relationships and emotions. So I can tell you that there were two specific teachers in my life growing up that really made a difference in who I am today and how I felt then my third grade teacher, Mrs. Jia, she was beautiful and young, she was probably a first year teacher, but she made me feel special. And that really meant something to me. And I really needed it at that time in my life, really needed it. And then in high school, I had Miss Janice to meet her. She just really got it. And she got me these were two adults in my life that had very important and strong influences on me. And then there were some church leaders and all that kind of stuff. So we don't want to take that away from our kids. Because those added adults can really make a difference in your life. And so stop and think really, for a minute about how there were adults in your life. But they might have been a coach might have been a teacher, it might have been a parent of another friend, could have been a neighbor, but someone that really made you feel like you were worth something that your ideas are worth listening to and following through on and and how did that change you and your life? Now, a lot of us have had that I know a lot who have, who have had adults who betrayed them, and did harm to them. And so how do we find that balance between having that awesome adult mentor in their lives, and a predator? And so how do we do that? Well, we need to be talking to our kids, and letting them know what a healthy relationship looks like. We need to educate them and help them understand you're going to have to get down to the good touch, bad touch thing and who you can talk to. And I've always taught my students as well as my kids, that if somebody says, Don't tell your parents, this is just our secret. What's the first thing? Yeah, do you tell your parents?

That's exactly what you tell your parents. And I would teach that to my students and teach that to my kids. And if they say, well, I'll hurt your family, if you tell, because there are some that do that. And so I've always told my kids, I can take care of myself and your dad can take care of us. And so don't believe them. Don't worry about that. If someone's saying that to you, you need to tell us weekly that someone said that to you. And we can get it kind of handled and taken care of and keep you safe, right? We want to be sure that we're listening to our kids and watching them and seeing the change in them throughout their lives. And we want to make sure that we don't overreact if something happens, this is a whole nother show. If you look back about a year ago, I did one with Tyson, right, that's his name, and esos operation underground railroad. And we talked about specifically keeping your kids safe, and how to react and all those things. If you want to go back, you can do that. And in fact, I will look up that episode and put that number and a link to it in the show notes so that you can have that if you're interested. But anyway, we are talking to our kids about teachers and coaches some of the things that they can do to show that, yeah, I think you're a great coach, I think you're a great teacher, and I really want to be helpful, be helpful. Help them and listen to them and make sure that if they need help with something that you go up and offer help, listen to the teacher or the coach, listen to what they have to say they're sharing something that is important, that's going to help you do better in your sport in life and getting ahead in life. And then we want to be sure that they're following the instructions that the teacher or the coach or whomever is giving, and you want to follow those things and you're giving them their best effort doesn't mean that you are perfect at anything, it doesn't mean you're going to be the star of the team. But it does mean that if you give them your best effort, everything you can, that's a way to show them. That's part of that action thing that you really care about them that you like them. Now there are people that we can help that we don't even know because that's one of God's commandments is to love one another. And that doesn't mean just the people you know, what a great lesson for our kids to teach them about showing love. And that's a different kind of love some stranger on the street, right? It's a love for our fellow man. It's a love for a fellow child of God. odd, but it does feel different as it should. And so having times when you keep some spare lunches when we lived in Denver, and I only had no well with me then but there was a lot of homeless that as you're driving through town, and so if I knew I was going downtown, I would have some lunches put together, maybe just two or three, not a time. But I would follow the spirit talking to me and saying that one needs one. Or if you'd see someone begging on the corner for money, instead of money, I'd hand them a lunch. So those are some things that you can teach them that we don't know this person, we don't know their story and why they're in such a bad spot. But maybe this little thing will help them a little bit. It doesn't have to be huge, big deal, I'm gonna get you off the streets. And maybe you're able to do that. But if you're not, I can give you a sandwich. So anyway, those are some great things to teach our kids about that expanding circle of people that you're going to feel love for, you're going to feel strong feelings for, and you want to be kind to, just because that's what we're supposed to be doing. Right? And so we understand that love is really just this multifaceted idea that covers actions, emotions, and relationships. And so when they're talking about I'd love somebody, well, how does that feel? Like inside your body, when that little brother or sister wraps their little teeny hand around your finger? How did that feel inside? How did that feel when you saw your sister or your brother, and someone was being mean to them, and you want to go and protect them? How did that feel when you saw them being hurt? And how did that feel when you were able to get them out of that situation? Now we're going to talk about what those emotions feel like so that they can tell the difference of I'm being kind or whatever. But love is combined with that emotion, and how do we explain emotions. And mostly, it's really how you feel your body takes on different physical feelings, right, you get tinglies, it's a good feeling. And so when we talk to our kids about that feeling of the emotion of love, that's just another piece of the puzzle that they are going to be able to understand better as they get older. And so we know that by starting early, we are going to teach these things. And that's going to lead our children to be more confident and more compassionate. It's going to help them to have stronger and healthier relationships. As they get older, and start going out into the world and start creating families of their own, these things are going to help them throughout their entire lives. Parents, you make a difference, you have no idea the difference that you make in your child's life, and in the decisions that they're going to make. And like I said, there's no guarantee. And even amazing parents have kids who struggle. And so we're not going to do any judgment. But even those kids, they need to know that you are like, I don't have to prove what you're doing. I'm not going to support you in what you're doing. But I'm going to love you anywhere. I'm gonna do the things that I can do best to try and help you anyway, you just have this profound effect. I hope you don't minimize the effect that you have on teaching your kids about these important things. And love is so important. So important. So I want to remind everybody that you can catch me live on Tuesday evening, so I do a live on Facebook and Instagram. And both pages are Imperfect Heroes Podcast. So either way, and so I'm on Facebook at seven, I am on Instagram at 730. And then sometimes make it over to tick tock but not always. But you can always catch me seven at Facebook 730 on Instagram, these are mountain times. So Pacific mountain, Central, and Eastern I'm in Mountain Time. And then we always post them too. And so if you miss it, you can always go back and look at it and you can leave questions you can make comments, all those things are welcome. And I love it. So please join me there when you have a chance and when you remember. And then before you go at the end of ours, I'm hoping that you will help me out and leave a review and rating five stars. No, just not 10 Five stars are the appropriate number of stars for you to leave for us and tell us what you like about the show. And then follow us please and then tell a friend, get a friend to join in and listen and you can have conversations about what we're talking about in the episodes. 

So next week, we are starting a new theme. And there's the theme for March and I've already mentioned that it is the theme of patience, both teaching patience in our children and expanding the patience that we have as adults and parents. So until next week. Let's find joy in parenting. Bye guys.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai