Episode 140: Demanding Kids? Let’s Teach a Little Patience

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes Podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.

DJ Stutz  0:10  
You're listening to Episode 140 of Imperfect Heroes, Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host DJ Stutz..

Welcome heroes and heroines to another episode of Imperfect Heroes. And, you know, I call you heroes and heroines because first off your parents, that's a big first step, right. And then also, you are listening to a podcast looking to find new ideas to better hone your skill to increase your art of parenting. And so kudos to you for that. And I really admire you for reaching out and looking for new answers and new points of view. So this is the last of our four episodes on teaching and developing patients in our kiddos, and in ourselves. So before we dive into today's episode, let's chat for just a moment. If you're a parent, chances are you've had those head shaky moments of frustration with yourself, your partner, and even your kids. And it's natural to feel a bit defeated at times and wondering why things seem to be going so wrong. But here's the thing, you are not alone. Are you just feeling tired of the constant battles and the Tantrums, trust me, we've all been there. But fear not. Because there's hope on the horizon. Sometimes all it takes is a fresh perspective from someone with the right knowledge, the right experience and expertise to help steer you towards stronger relationships, and more confident parenting. So imagine having someone by your side who can offer new approaches and insights, someone who can guide you toward fostering the values that matter most to you, while uncovering the strengths within your family. Well, that's where I come in. And as a mentor and a coach, I am here to help you navigate the unique dynamics of your family, asking the tough questions, and then finding joy not only in the good times, but also during the challenging times as well. Are you ready to take the first step, let's go ahead and schedule a no cost 50 minute conversation where you and I can identify your challenges, we can explore your core values, and then outline a path forward for each cherished member of your family. Simply click on the calendar link in the show notes below. and book your appointment. And remember, you got nothing to lose and everything to gain. So let's go ahead and embark on this journey towards a happier and more harmonious family life. All right, well, we know patience is a virtue. In fact, it's one of the gifts of the Spirit. And it's mentioned many times in the Bible. But if you look at Colossians chapter three, and it's like verses 12 to 13, we are encouraged to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience when we're dealing with others. And this actually includes our kids. So what does patients really do for our kids? Well, studies have found out that children who have a stronger sense of patience, have stronger relationships with their peers, they do better academically, they're less likely to indulge in drugs or even be involved in crimes as they get older, patiently patients leads to delayed gratification and that actually can lead to more career success, financial success, better health, more tolerance, and stronger family relationships when they become adults, patient children, my words in my mouth, my goodness, patient, children also have an easier time while they are growing up. They just don't get as upset. They're better communicators, there's less drama in their life. They're more confident and they're also more persistent in learning and then trying new things. So parents often need to just we need to check ourselves and see where we are on the patient's scale and what we are modeling for our kiddos. So what do we show when we are waiting in line or on the road? What Do the things that make us impatient. So think about those things come up with a plan for your own self improvement. And then you're going to be able to model that better. And your kids will learn it faster when you're showing them that great example. So we want to be sure that we keep things positive. So teaching small children to be patient is more like just teaching them a skill, it takes practice, lots of practice, every day, young children won't understand the future benefits of patients, you're not going to tell them, Oh, you're gonna get better grades, and you'll have stronger relationships as you get older, they're not going to relate to that, right. And so some of the things that we're going to teach them and as they learn, some kids are going to learn faster than others, as it is with everything, right. Some kids are naturally born to have a disposition and a personality that leads them to an easier outlook, I guess, or acceptance of patience, and other kids are just so full of energy. And they just have those one law personalities. And it's going to take them a little longer. Here's something though, that you can do to kind of see where your kid is on the patience scale. And so it's known as the marshmallow test or the treat test. And if you Google the marshmallow test, actually, you'll find videos of it. And so you can look at that, and some of they're pretty funny, I'll have to tell you, but what you're gonna do is you're going to tell your child here is a marshmallow,

you can use a cookie, you can use a Skittles, whatever it

is that you have around. And you can say, here's the Skittle kiddo, and you can eat it right now. Or you can wait five minutes. And if you wait the whole five minutes, you're gonna get another one. So you'll have to, so you can eat it now and have one or you can wait until the timer goes off. And then you'll have to, but it's up to you, you do what you want. And then you're gonna walk away have that skill, or whatever it is the marshmallow or the cookie, or whatever, and have them sit at the table, and that is right in front of them. And then you're gonna walk away, and you're gonna do your stuff, and you have the timer, you've set the timer. And so the kid is on their own. And they're going to make a decision that they're going to make, right. And so when the timer goes off, you come back. And if the cookie or the tree is still there, oh, you read that whole five minutes, I'm so proud of you. Here's another treat, right? Or, Oh, you chose to eat your tree first. That's fine, I hope you enjoyed it, they do not get a second treat. But this is going to give you an idea of how they are doing. One of the things that you can do during this test even is set up your cell phone. And so that it's kind of seen where they are. So while you walk away, you're not going to know do they eat it fast right away? Did they struggle with it did they like maybe take a little nibble hoping that you didn't see, there's a lot of ways to get through that. And so then you can go back and look at it, and probably get a great big kick your kid did and how they manage to wait or how they didn't manage to wait. And so it's kind of a fun thing to have and to do. But the reality is, kids really struggle with the concept of time. And that makes it hard for them to understand how to be patient. And so it's easier if you can just make it like visual. So if you have a timer, they have timers, and then when you set it for how much time, the wait time is in red. And so they can actually see that red portion getting smaller and smaller, smaller. And so then they know up when the Reds all gone, it's good to doing and then your waiting time is over. And so that can help them. And so they can get used to what five minutes look like, what does 10 minutes look like? And they're going to start developing that sense of time and understanding how it works. But there are other things that you can do beyond timers, you can do counting, right, while you're waiting, you can sing a song and say okay, we're gonna sing three songs. And then we'll do whatever. And you can even have a song on the radio or on your phone or whatever, a favorite song and play that. So there are some things that you can do to help them come to understand what time means they understand that song is pretty short. Okay, after seeing it three times, we have to do it three times, okay? Or a movie. They know what the movie is, especially their favorite one, right? And so you can say, Oh, we're not at Grandma's house yet. You have probably See another movie. And then when the movie is over, we'll be close to Grandma's, or we'll be at grandma's or depending on where you are. But you can help them understand by using things that are familiar to them that they can relate to. And so that really does help but be patient with them. While we're teaching them patients, we have to show it to, because they are just learning how many times are you and I are not patient. I have my moments and I've been on this earth for, you know, a year or two. And they've been on so much less time, we haven't even really perfected our sense of patience in ourselves. So how can we expect a 2346 year old to perfect there's, so we need to be patient, we need to be supportive? And understand that it's normal for them to say, Is it done? Are we done yet? Know we have X amount of time, it'll come. And so one of the things though, that you will be able to cut down on that frequency of asking, and again, it's not going to happen overnight, it's a skill they're having to learn. But if they know that they can count on you, when you say 10 minutes, you mean 10 minutes, if it was 15, at half an hour, whatever, they know that when that timer goes off, or whatever it is, however, you've decided to count the time, that then they are actually going to get to do whatever it is they wanted. And so be aware of that. Because if you don't, if the timer goes off, you think, oh, geez, maybe they didn't hear pin on that, too. I just have a few more dishes to do, or, you know, I just have a couple more minutes on this. But they will learn a not to trust you. And B, they are not going to get that sense of time, where five minutes is five minutes, or 10 minutes. So if you make five minutes into seven or eight minutes, or even more, then they're going to get confused on what that five minutes really looks like. And so we want to really help them along in that part. And then help them just actually experience the weight. And so I know it's very easy to pop on a video or cartoon or whatever on our phone or on on an iPad or something and put it in front of them. And yeah, they'll do better, they'll be quiet. But they are not going to understand a sense of time, because they are so distracted. And they're really not waiting, they're not having to really practice being patient, because they're being entertained otherwise. And here's the funny thing, they will not want to wait, right? I don't want to wait while here play with your iPad, when five minutes is up, then you'll be able to get it, then when the five minutes is up, they don't want to give up the iPad. Isn't that so true. So let's kind of avoid it, especially at the beginning, I can see if you're in the car, and you're in a long drive, throwing a movie on that's absolutely like lifesaver for all kinds of reasons. But you're going to want to be able to otherwise, teach them that, yeah, there's virtue and there's value in being able to wait. And to put off something, help them be present and be thoughtful about the weight. And so again, you know, you can use songs, you can sing with them, you're but you're interacting with them. And these aren't things that are going to help them lose track of time, if you're singing, if you're counting if you're playing some kind of game with each other. And that's very different than putting a screen in front of them. And so that's something that will actually help them find ways to just laugh with them and be a little silly while you're doing the weight, right. And so I mean, you can be maybe there in the buggy at that store. And you're waiting for a checkout, right? And you can guess, whoo, I wonder how many songs we're going to have to sing before we get up. Because we don't have a specific time. We don't know if it's going to be five minutes or two minutes. Because maybe the person for notice has a bunch of coupons or they have to do price check or whatever. And oh, please no.

But that's a great time to talk to our kids and say, you know, Oh, I wonder how many times we can do X before it's our turn. And we're talking about and using those terms before it's our turn. And we are waiting. And we are waiting patiently. And in fact, that's one of the songs that I used with my kindergarteners when we would have to stand in line in the hallway or wherever. And we had to wait for us to move forward or to go get lunch or whatever it was. And I will sing it for you and I'm sorry for my voice, but it's the only one I got. So here it is. I am waiting patiently. patiently, patiently, I am waiting patiently for my turn. Or maybe it's for my mother, or brother, or dad, or whatever we're waiting for. And what's causing us to wait, maybe dad's just running a little way late. So we can see that how many times should we sing our patients song? And how long do you think it'll take them to get ready. So I would even use that, that as kids were lining up to go outside. But some kids were very fast with getting their coats on. Others took a little longer. So the ones who were fast and got to get in line, sang the song and lewd Tik Tok to the rhythm. And they actually did enjoy that. And it actually got the other kids to hustle up because they liked singing the song as well. So you're going to find some of these clues and some of these activities that are going to work with you. But when you're doing something fully be honest about how long it's going to take. So don't stay soon. That means nothing to them. And I know when you're, you know, in the car, and you're, well, we'll be there when we get there, right, I got that one when I was a kid, it doesn't help them understand. And so there's some things other than our extra that you can do. One of these I have available on my website, which is www dot Little Hearts Academy usa.com. And it's called a travel map. And in the travel map, you can download pictures of landmarks that you're going to pass along the way. Of course, the longer the trip, the more landmarks, and you want to make sure that you've got them frequent enough, they're not waiting an hour for the next landmark, just kind of plan it and see some of the things that they are going to be passing. And then you can say, Oh, we pass that one that's on your list. Let's cross it off. Oh, we're getting closer, how many more do we need to pass, and then they're engaged, they're watching for it, they're crossing it off. And then they can see how long it's going to be I call those the Are We There Yet maps. And so that's one of the things that you can do in the car to help them understand, we've got these things to do. And then we'll be at Disneyland, or we'll be at the beach, or we'll be at the mountains or wherever it is that you're going. And so another thing that you can use, of course, and I'm sure you all know this one, but how many sleeps right if it's going to be days. So if it's a week or so, you can say oh, five more sleeps, and then this wonderful things going to happen. And so they can check, they'll check the morning, how many more sleeps so they'll say, four more sleeps now, you know, they'll get excited and be involved with that. You can also use calendar to mark off and put a star on the day that grandpa's visiting or that we're going to leave for vacation, or before school starts all those things, you can put a star, and then you can cross them off and see how many empty squares there are on the calendar to what you want to do to get you where you want to be. And so they can really get engaged with that. And then they're getting an idea of days, weeks, and monsoon if they're really young. Don't tell them about it at all until it's like a week before. And then you can do your countdown. Older kids, they can get more excited, and they understand. And so but you still want to mark it on the calendar. And even if it's a couple of months out, you can have things listed that, okay, we need to make sure we have this ready before we go if you need passports or some of the other things that they can do to help get ready or plan for or at make a list and make sure we don't forget anything. It's so if you think of something, because we only have, you know, a month left. And that's a lot to do. And so help me figure out how are we forgetting anything. So now they're helping with preparing. And that's for your older kids that will do it. And by older I mean, third grade up, they can do that. All right. And then we want to encourage them to participate in some slower activities that take a little more time. So maybe something like in gardening and helping them plant and and watch it grow. You can go out with a ruler and say, Oh, it grew this much. It's bigger today than it was yesterday. You can make a chart you can do whatever. And then not only are they learning to be patient in wanting the outcome of having a pumpkin or picking some piece of fresh peas, they're so good or strawberries being ready. But now they're participating. They're learning about science. They're learning where food comes from. They're learning about all kinds of things just in that one activity. It's not only for patients. Puzzles are great for kids, you know when they're 18 months they can do they have little wooden puzzles that have like they're just matching this shape to the shape. And so it's easier for them to manipulate. Some of the puzzles even have like a handle on them. So they're easier for the kids to use. And to build those fine motor skills. fine motor skills are like your fingers, the small little muscles that are in your body. And mostly it's your hand, and how to manipulate and use things that's going to help them with learning how to write, how to play instruments, how to do those small little things that they need to put Legos together, that's all fine motor skills. And so puzzles is great for that. And then of course, as they get older, you can use bigger ones that have more pieces that were this giant for puzzles, oh my gosh, even at four and five, they love those. And definitely kindergarten, they love those. So those are some things, treasure hunts, oh my goodness, how fun are those, right? And so when they're little, you're only going to have maybe one or two or maybe two clues. And then they'll get what they want. As they get older, though, you can extend it out and have harder clues to figure out and maybe it becomes something that they work on for a few days. It's kind of a pretty big prize at the end, though, for something that's that. And so you want to encourage them and to have clues that are maybe a little more complicated. And they have to think things through, you're doing a lot more than teaching patients with just that activity, building something together, whether it's Legos, or out in the backyard using sticks to make a fort or to build a fairy town, for the fairies and stuff. And you can get very intricate and it's amazing how even young kids can really fixate on that and want to maybe go back to it. So it's not even a one time thing. Oh, you know, we we've got to go in and get lunch. Let's leave it here. And we're not going to get ruined it or anything. Let's go eat. And then we can come back and work on it some more. And so those are some things that you can do that help them learn patience that also learns helps them to learn delayed gratification, which can be a wonderful thing for them to have. And so we need to remember that we really need to be patient in teaching patients. This is a journey. It's not a destination. Like I said before, hi, still working on it. Yeah, I'm old. So we're all on this journey of becoming more patient more controlled, and managing our emotions and our frustrations. And realizing, okay, I've just got to get through this, right. It's the dance recital of the nightmare. You thought it was just going to be three or four dances. And it turns out, it's going to be an hour long. I remember one time, we went to one of my granddaughter's concerts at her middle school, and she had a solo, a little guitar solo in the concert. And so we were very excited. And we all go and show up. And that thing was two and a half hours long. We were all working on patients that night, we had no idea it was gonna be that long. But we're all working on the journey. And so then even what times when you're impatient, and you catch yourself being impatient, it's like, Oh, my goodness, I am not being very patient, am I all right, I need to think of a way to help me pass the time, we're stuck on this freeway, there must be an accident out there. And it's frustrating that we're not moving. And I really want to get home. And when they hear you say those words, and then coming up with your own path on,

I just you know what, there's nothing I can do about it. So I might as well enjoy it. And come up with some fun things that you can do listening to songs doing like a your car karaoke, and see who can sing the song The loudest or who knows the song The best, you can come up with all kinds of things to do to help you wait. But if they hear you actually talking to yourself and verbally thinking things through, they're going to start understanding the process a little better themselves. And then the big payoff is when you see them actually talking to themselves, working their way through a situation where I don't want to do this, I have to do this. So I'm going to do this and just get it done. And then I will be able to go and have some fun. And it's a really cute conversation when you finally catch them on on doing it. But you have to show them an example that to them. And you have to do it a lot, because it takes a lot of repetition. And so remember, we always want to set them up for success. And so we know that a two year old a one year old is not going to be able to wait nearly as long as a five year old or a seven year old. Right? And so we want to make sure that when we're asking them to be patient, that we're doing it within realistic expectations. And honestly like I said before, some kids are naturally more patient than others. So then you have to take that into consideration as well. And maybe they're two kids in the same family. And they're very different. And I know you know what I'm talking about. And so just remember to make it appropriate for what your child can do. And then push them just a little further. Just a little more, oh, this is a record, we're gonna go for the record. Okay, are you ready? All right, we have to do whatever we need to do, let's, let's get this job done. Let's see if we can do it really, really fast, and break the record. And then once we get this thing done, that we didn't want to do, we can move on to doing something more fun, find ways to engage them with it, and help them but just remember that you really do want to set them up. Don't ask them to be patient, when they have been in school all day, they come home, they're hungry, and they've been sitting, or whatever they need time outside, they need time with you. And not just sitting but doing fun things go outside in the backyard and run around and throw the ball and allow them to get that energy out before we're asking them to be patient. And so we're setting them up for success. And you know, there's great power in patients, then there are so many benefits. And the funny thing is the benefits that are there for our kids are benefits for us as well. And so we will find our own relationships and our own ability to get things done. And all of that is going to improve as we work on it on ourselves, and not just throwing it on our kids, right. And so I am here to help you on this journey. And you know, coaching families and helping teachers is a total joy to me, it's my favorite thing. And I love seeing the results that we can achieve together and see that things are getting better and happier. And there's more fun in parenting. Because we have to find that choice for such a short time. And I know when you're in it, just like with our kids, when you're in the middle of it, it seems like one of them will listen, I can't take this any longer. And then your kids are going to grow up and they're going to go to college, and they're going to leave. And you're going to wish for those days that you were dealing with all of this stuff. So recognize that and enjoy it. If your kids having a tantrum, it's like oh, let's take a picture and save that for the wedding album. For the wedding video, whatever it is, but find a way to enjoy it and not get frustrated with it, but not give in. You don't have to be angry and yelling to stand your ground. And you can even laugh and have some fun with them. And then distract them veer them off, give them something else to do. But recognize that your boundaries are your boundaries. And we'll talk some more about that in the coming months, right? Let's set up for a no cost 50 minute zoom call, where we can get to know one another. We can talk about the joys that are going on and the concerns that you have, and then maybe do a little problem solving. So my calendar link is in the show notes. Please take advantage of that. I love having these conversations with parents and with families. Now, before you go, I want you please just subscribe or follow depending on what format you're listening on. Please leave a rating and a review that really does help us beat the powers that be and help more people to find us. And then of course the best thing, tell a friend and have them come and join us in the imperfect heroes family. So next week, we are moving on. And I have this fun mom, I mentioned her a little bit earlier. And she is in the middle of it with her little kids and working to keep everyone happy and to keep everything going. And so we are going to talk with my friend Lindsey Terry, about parenting right in the middle of it. So I hope you'll join us then for that. And remember that you can only see me on Facebook every Tuesday at seven o'clock on my imperfect heroes page. And then on Instagram. I also have Imperfect Heroes podcast, and I will be on Instagram live every Tuesday at 730. So come join me for that. You can always you know ask questions and we'll have a good time. So until next week, let's find joy in parenting. See you guys!

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