Episode 142: Parenting Perspectives, The Patience Project with Everyday Mom Lindsey Terry

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.

DJ Stutz  0:09  
You're listening to Episode 142 of Imperfect Heroes, Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host, DJ Stutz.

Welcome heroes and heroines, and I'm so glad you've chosen to spend the next few minutes with us here at Imperfect Heroes. As you can see, I have an amazing guest with me. And before we get started, though, I want to share with you that if you are local to the general Idaho Falls area, on April 10, I have an event that I am doing with Lindsey Shumway. And she is the director of Hello Bliss Life Coaching. And we're going to work together it's going to be thing just for mamas and it's in Idaho Falls, it'll be 90 minutes. And we are talking about communication, and communicating with our kids, communicating with our co workers, and with our spouses and just those who are in our life. And so if you're interested in that, I'm going to put the link to the registration in the show notes. So be sure and go there. The link will also be on the website, which is www.LittleHeartsAcademyusa.com. And you know, while you're there, you should sign up for our newsletter. We only comes out twice a month. We don't inundate you. But you are welcome to that. And you might see a little action going on behind us here. door opening and closing. We have Paxton with us who Lindsey this is your current youngest. I say current because there's another one on the way this will make for kids for you. That is so exciting. So Lindsey Terry is actually a local, we do our workouts together. We go to church together. And you work two towns over in Rexburg. And so you manage a mobile home park. There you go. She's the manager of the mobile home park in Rexburg, Idaho. So lots of fun there. And so we're talking today and get comfortable. That'd be better. She she's a little nervous. I'm so intimidated. But. But today, we're talking just about patience and how when you're in needy, my kids are gone. My grandkids, you know, they're all over. I get to see them sometimes. But a kindergarteners, my youngest of the 12. And so it's nice for me to say, Oh, well, I did the research. And I've got the education, and I taught kindergarten for a million years. And it's nice for me to say that, and I have a lot of things to help with. But I want to hear how it works every day in your home. So you have a daughter, two sons. And then who knows? Yeah, who knows? So it's hard sometimes I think, to really manage patients when they are doing that thing.

Lindsey Terry  3:41  
Yes, sometimes.

DJ Stutz  3:44  
So I remember an exercise class was last week. And Paxton was having a rough go. Yes. And I looked at you. And I thought, yes, she's the one who needs to talk about patience, because you were awesome. You were awesome. Because you took to him and his needs. Right. Well, thank you. And I love that. And of course, everybody in the group loved Paxton. And so there's no judgment there. You're in a safe place. And so that's got to feel good. But what do you do? Like how do you start out with that? And how young are you working with teaching them patience?

Lindsey Terry  4:21  
I think it starts out from the beginning, even when they're just a little baby, because I feel like when they're small and you're exhausted because you're a new mom. I mean, they feel that for me. So I think a lot of it comes from Okay, sometimes I have to count to 10 Sometimes I might be accounted 15 and take some deep breaths. But I really work with my kids, but they need to take deep breaths before we get started. If they're hurt or if they're mad, because I feel like a lot can happen in those first few minutes or seconds and then they hit their friend hit their sibling or I'm just like then I lose it or you know Yeah, I just really think, working on Okay, let's control ourselves, then I can help you try to control yourself. Right? I think it starts with me, and then goes to the kids.

DJ Stutz  5:11  
You weren't perfect. That's not always always say even Joseph and Mary are mortal. And if you look at the list of all the boys that they had, yeah, I'm sure they have their days. I'm just saying I'm sure they have their names. It's okay, is what I'm saying. And so one of the things you said that I just totally love is that it starts with me. Yeah, yeah. And so it's really easy when they're doing their things to just right. And so when you say I have to take a minute, maybe count to 10, take a breath. You're giving yourself all of these tools to use appropriately before you go and annihilate the kid. Right. So, and I mentioned hitting too, I just have this thing in my head. I remember I was a kid growing up in LA, it was the 70s. You know, I know I'm old. And I remember this mom was yelling at her kid in the parking lot. We were going into the grocery store. And she's like, hitting her kids saying, Quit hitting your brother. And I thought, wow, rules from the not for me. But I just remember that hit me. And I had to be like, maybe 10 years old, 12 years early, clean area. And I just had no hitting huh? Yeah, there are other wet things to do, huh? Yes. And I remember that just hit me. Or then how often do we see I still say this now? It's people yelling? I'm tired. Yes. Right. Oh, okay. I wonder where they got

Lindsey Terry  7:09  
from someone? Or are

DJ Stutz  7:11  
you gonna say that poursuite mama. She's at her wit's end. I wish I so many times I want to go up to people and say, Can I help you? Like, can I watch your kid and you go do your thing? Or, or entertain your kid in line? Because you look like you're on your last breath? Yeah. And but you'd never know how people are gonna take it. Right. So. So anyway, so you, so you start with you. And then what's the next thing, then

Lindsey Terry  7:41  
we just kind of try to talk it out. Because sometimes, I mean, if I think I see it with three kids, I have an eight year old, a six year old and an almost three year old. And it doesn't always go how I see it either. So I try with my older ones. pakhtuns learning how to express himself and talk. But I tried to figure out what's going on with both sides. And then we just kind of discuss what happened in the situation. And so then I give me a little bit more time to be like, okay, don't freak out. Because, ya know, sometimes it's a big thing. And sometimes it's just a small thing. And right, we resolve it as quick as we can, but really focusing on you can't get angry. And then because I'm a boy and girl, right? Just be sassy and be mean to him. And you can't just tackle her like, sob but it's just, you know, like, we have to use our words. And that's what we tried to do is just figure out really what the situation and then how could it have been better? And what were our roles before and we got to keep those so that it doesn't happen again. So I love

DJ Stutz  8:43  
that. Yeah, you're you're doing great. I really like the idea of practicing when they're not met. Hmm. So I'm a big advocate. If anyone's listening, you've heard this before. So we're just having a conversation here. weekly meetings with our family. Right? And maybe during that time when everyone's happy, or you're, you're seeing fun songs, and maybe you've got some fun desserts or whatever. But let them do some roleplay with maybe a common problem that comes up between them. And then say, all right, Annie, how are you going to handle this? And give her a chance to think it through or you can even team up? And and he goes with you and Jason goes with dad and your team plan how you're going to do this right? And then you come back and let them roleplay it out. And then if they have time to practice that practice makes not perfect, but better. Practice makes better. And then they have a chance to then look back on with practice. This happens. Yeah, no,

Lindsey Terry  9:53  
I like that. Oh,

DJ Stutz  9:54  
how fun. Great. Oh, great. So one of the things that I notice is In teaching kindergarten, or sometimes even being at the store or whatever, and again, I'm just kind of like this poor mama, or this poor dad, right? But you see kids being like really demanding and they'll start yelling or, you know, I had one little girl, her dad came to pick her up. And he's like, sweetie, I'm late. Those bangs you hear is just toys ish been thrown. Don't worry about it. But we had a little girl, her dad came to pick her up. And he's like, sweetie, I gotta go. I'm late for meeting. And she said, but I want to play on the playground. And he says, I know. And another day we can, but I've got to go, sweetie, you're bad daddy. And you're mean, and you're, you know, she starts going after him. Well, my classroom had windows overlooking the playground. And as I looked out after there, she was playing on the playground, and actually for his meeting. And so sometimes we have kids that are really impatient. They want what they want. Now, I'm sure that never happens to you. So what are some of the things maybe that you do to help them through that when this isn't the right time?

Lindsey Terry  11:19  
Yeah, I think that that comes up a lot with us, because I am a working mom. And so sometimes it is a bit trickier. We, my husband as a coach, and so we're always off to sporting events. And so sometimes we don't get a lot of park time, but we get a lot of, but I think just them knowing kind of how your day goes like, Paxton knows, like, we're gonna go to work, we got exercise class, we go to work, yes. But if we have something in that time, like, when I was getting dressed, I turned out a quick show for him and said, Hey, you get to watch this. But you know, we'll shut it off. And today, he didn't throw off that he's like, Okay, I'll be happy. That repetition of it. Because, you know, that's a big part of them playing are going they want to do something fun. And they want to do with the ones they love. But it can't always work out. And, and it does work out. So I think just knowing that you can follow through with that, and that it's gonna be okay. If it doesn't happen right then, right that they know ahead of time, they'll probably forget their little, you know, as you talk, they're gonna pick up on it. They're smart. Exactly. So exactly. And then I don't know, I was on Winco the other day, and he just did not want to go grocery shopping. I'm like, we're gonna do this. And he's just screaming, I'm like, Okay, it's just gonna be real quick. And this lady came, she's like, I keep this keychain on my keys. And he looks like he needs us. That would be wonderful. And you know, sometimes you just need other help. You need those angels out there that are looking for your

DJ Stutz  12:44  
data, just so grandma lady, that are just like, hey,

Lindsey Terry  12:48  
let me help you, like you mentioned, like, how can sometimes I just want to be that person. And sometimes it's just nice to know that there's people out there about, you know, I've done everything. And we might have to go to this grocery store screen now. And we're gonna go quick. But sometimes it doesn't work out like we want. But then people help and step in.

DJ Stutz  13:06  
So. And that's lovely, isn't it? It's that community. It

Lindsey Terry  13:11  
is nice. And you know, sometimes it doesn't happen. And eventually, they calm down and yeah, move on. But again, I feel like every time before we even go into a grocery store, I'm like, Okay, we're getting what's on the list. We can't ask for more things or not. And we avoid the toy aisle. Some days, I'm like, and I'm like, I'm not gonna put them in a situation where they want all these things. When I know I can't get there. Right? We're not going to even consider it. And sometimes we do consider it. Check it out. But on the days, I'm like, No, we're not. And I'm not going to put that roadblock for me for them. In that moment, you know? Yeah, for

DJ Stutz  13:53  
sure. For sure. Yeah. Well, he's mentioned a couple of things that I think are key, and with the parents that I work with as coach and with you just doing your awesome mommy thing is number one. You You talk to him before you go in. So you know, we're going in, and he may or may not, you know, he's too Right, right. But he's getting in that habit of you're telling him and this is what we need to do. We're going to go quickly. And then you also mentioned having a list. That's another thing that I really think helps kids when they go in is knowing that there's a list and even maybe letting them hold the list. Or Mark do

Lindsey Terry  14:36  
they draw over it? Okay, well, that's probably forgot something on the list as

DJ Stutz  14:42  
well, and I had to have a role because you'll be so surprised to hear that I can get a little scattered. I seems like there's always something that I forget. And it's not on the list, but the kids especially once they start reading it's like that's not Right. And so we would do a thing where you can have one thing that is not on the list and saved me. But then they would get in there and now now they're concentrating on what do I want to get that's not on my list. And so if it's like a candy bar, or I don't know, I don't know, whatever kind of things that they like to get. And if they pick something quickly, then you might say, okay, but that's your one thing. So if you find something else, you got to put that. So now they're thinking, and now their mind isn't quite on. I hate being here. Yeah, right. Yeah. But I love the idea that you have a list in the pen, and they're marking things off. And you know, if they record the record, or maybe you have a list and they have a list, is this yours? This is mommy's

Lindsey Terry  15:54  
should have done that yesterday.

DJ Stutz  15:57  
You know, like I said, I'm out of it. And so I think it's easy for people who have raised their kids, but they can look back. There's so many things that I wish I knew. When I was raising my kids. And looking back, I think I could have done this better. And this is probably how, anyway, just don't write off us old farts, I guess is what I'm saying. But I think we also need to remember that when I was raising my kids in the 2000s, and late 90s, Chris, well, yeah, because Christian was born in 88. No one was born in 95. It's different. There's new technologies, there's new social pressures. There's, I think, another thing that maybe might help is even having like a calendar of what's going on today, so that they know what's coming next. That's gonna work more with your older kids. Right. But even with Paxton, when he can see you crossing things off, and then at the end, or at some point, it's something fun he likes to do. So it's like two more things. And then we're doing this, right. Oh, that's true. And so it's a visual. But and I know that my daughter, my middle daughter, Rocky, they were just being so busy during the summer last year, and her son, he's a little more introverted, but he loves being busy and doing things. But one day, he just looked up at his mom, and he said, When are we just gonna have a day where we stay at home? I need home days. And so they actually wanted to putting them in the calendar. So they have like the dry erase. Yeah, thing. Yeah. And so he could look and see. Because, yeah, they were busy and with you know, dancin gymnastics and Taekwondo, and he's on a climbing team. And he's, you know, yeah, a lot. And, and so he just needed that. Yeah, to see and to plan ahead, but, and that helped him. Some of those kinds of things are, are good, too. And so I think to those, sometimes they want something now that it really can't happen. Right? In fact, it can't happen for a while. Right. So how would you manage that?

Lindsey Terry  18:23  
I guess we just do the same. And sometimes it's just, you know, we try to teach them like there's consequences to all your actions. And it good consequences, bad consequences.

DJ Stutz  18:34  
And consequences aren't necessarily bad.

Lindsey Terry  18:36  
No. And so I just think that sometimes helps. And then knowing I mean, if they don't get the answer they want and they just get angry and act out in the wrong ways, then there's a consequence for that action. Yeah. And so I don't know, it's tricky. I'm living that, ya know. Like our kids asked, When are we going to the beach, we live in Idaho. We are never going to the beach. But I'm like, oh, maybe one day when we go back to Texas, but we want to come to the aquarium and there was sand in there. So it was like we're at the beach. And so I'm like sometimes we had no idea it was gonna be at the aquarium. Yeah, well, here we go. This is like the beach and we've got to see all these animals. Sometimes the perfect situation just falls into your lap without you looking.

DJ Stutz  19:26  
Isn't that fun? When that happens? Well, and you're gonna see a lot more sea animals at the aquarium. And it's sometimes it's nice to have that glass between yet because they're sharks and

Lindsey Terry  19:40  
I hate sands. I'm like, Oh, I mean, I don't really want to take you know, that was like a perfect there was no cats around it didn't know what it was and grosses me out. But like they got their beach. Yeah, I think. Well, we would like to take them there too. Yeah, it's just not something that's realistic right now for where we're at. Exactly. But there's a lot of other fun things. So maybe talking about other fun things you could do, rather than the one thing that they're focused on. But because I think it comes down to the biggest thing is, they just want to have fun and spend time with their family. Yeah. So I think if you're able, as we tried to do that, or we focus on that, if we haven't really focused on that for a couple days, I think that's just the heart of it. So doing something with them versus okay, you do this, or I'm exhausted from work. Yeah. And I'm going to do Lisa me time. You know, sometimes we need that. But they need that. And they need that

DJ Stutz  20:39  
time with us. So they absolutely do. Yeah. And so it's kind of hard to find that balance. And so and I think, too, we talk about, I need my me time, or I need to self care, all that stuff, but you're gonna have four kids. Right, right. And so I don't think that you're looking at a whole afternoon or whatever, right?

Lindsey Terry  21:00  
Now, I'm like, Okay, five minutes. Yeah, well,

DJ Stutz  21:05  
but you're exactly right. Sometimes it is just that five minutes, or a nice warm shower, or some of those things. Yeah. For me anyway, it was those quiet moments with my kids. You know, when they snuggle in, they tell me, they love me. Or you see them actually work through a problem, because you've been practicing it. And you're like, Oh, I feel so good. I am a mother of the year. This just happened

Lindsey Terry  21:33  
that and they listen to what you're saying. And they're doing it. So it is.

DJ Stutz  21:39  
It is a nice thing. And so I think it's really important to recognize those moments of success or of peace, and being patient. right with that, you know, and I know it doesn't help when you say before he or not, they'll all be gone. Right? And it's like, No, I'm done. Now I am drowning in emotion in frustration. And yeah, no, I need help now not in you know, 10 years.

Lindsey Terry  22:15  
Because that's nice. Where every day is a new day. Is you don't bring yesterday into today. Yeah. And you just you know. And

DJ Stutz  22:21  
you can even say every hour is new. Oh. Right. Oh, just blew that one. And then we're gonna do better? Yes, yes. Yes. Well, and sometimes, you know, it's okay. When you catch yourself being impatient? Because you often I don't know,

Lindsey Terry  22:38  
I mean, maybe I don't say you are, you're gonna be impatient. You're like, yeah, it would be better. And it's, I don't know, in those moments, I'm like, Okay, I really shouldn't have done that. And then it's important that like, Scott, and I will talk to our kids and be like, Yeah, you know, we kind of lost it. And, but we still love you. Like, you know, I think it's important because you're not perfect, and they don't need to think that you are because then that's really unrealistic for your kids. Right. And it's awful hard to live up to. Yes. And I mean, she's. But yeah, that they I feel like if they know that they love you, and you're still working on patients and yourself. It's something that they can acquirements Yeah.

DJ Stutz  23:18  
Well, and I think too, like when you catch yourself being impatient. So without yelling at the kids or being snippy or, you know, just come on come upon whatever, that when you catch yourself doing that it's okay. To stop right then and say, Oh, wow, when did I start yelling? Right, right. Yeah. Because you're so nice and quiet and sweet, but I am not. And so I would be a ton of times out. I recognize, wait a minute, I am.

Lindsey Terry  23:48  
Right. I picked that up for me. So I need to change me so that they can change that. They

DJ Stutz  23:55  
see you catching yourself and saying, Ah, I was being really impatient. And I was being whatever. And who I need to stop. Oh, hang on. Just second. kiddos, woof. Mommy needs to calm down. Now like, What is she doing? Right? Right, you'll catch them off guard. But then they're seeing you working through it verbally and so they can work through it. After your example, right? Yeah. Yeah, for

Lindsey Terry  24:25  
sure. You're awesome. Oh, goodness, sometimes no.

DJ Stutz  24:31  
Sometimes, course, give yourself a break. But here's what I love. And this is what I think is why I call the parents that are listening to the podcast or watching it that they're heroes. They're imperfect heroes, but because of listening to, especially my podcast, but you know, other parenting podcasts or looking for resources, reading books, watching people who you think are so Successful or talking to someone who's older that might have some different ideas on things that you can do, then you're trying to do better, right? The super talented didn't start out there. Right? They made mistakes, and they stopped and they learned and they analyze, well, what made me miss that note or whatever? What, why did I do that wrong? And then you start looking better. And that's how they get better is analyzing and not beating themselves up but being more curious about that, right? Oh, for sure. And just saying, Wow, that didn't go well. Or what led up to that? Right? Was he was I tired? Was i ng you know, angry at my husband? Of course, Scott, you could never get angry at him. You know, he's or what was going on? I'm worried about my mom, my mom's sick, or, you know, led to the result? Yes, sure. And then you can say, okay, what can I do to plan things so that I'm not getting as frazzled, that I'm not getting as tired? Or maybe I need to have a bag of carrots sticks with me. For Oreo cookies. A little back to marshmallow. Chocolate works for us. It's dark chocolate. And that's my thing. And then you start taking that analyzing and taking it to your kids. Wow, they really did have a meltdown in the grocery store. Right? What are some things that could have done differently? Leading up to that, that might have helped that out? And of course, we know. Nothing works. 100% of that time, not even on the same kid. Right. So what worked yesterday with Annie, it's not gonna work today, maybe? Right? Just depending on the mood, but then tomorrow, it might. Yeah. Right. That can make you really patient. Right? Wait a minute, wait, how dare you go back to that. JSON or whatever. So it's stopping and taking back and saying, okay, purchase today didn't work today. And it's okay. And sometimes you just need to change things up a little but, but I love your attitude.

Lindsey Terry  27:20  
You're awesome. You know, it takes a team. So I'm really glad that I have Scott to help me and so or family, like sometimes you don't have a partner or husband or spouse, and you know, but you always have a friend or family. And it's good to lean on people,

DJ Stutz  27:35  
it is good to lean on people. And for those who are raising kids alone. First off my heartbreaks. For you, it's that's hard or whether you've got one or five, it's hard. But you brought up such a great thing. And if you don't have family around, find, you know, friends or unity. Yeah, fine. Go to church. And you're gonna find good people there. I don't care which denomination you go to, but you're going to find people who have commonalities and maybe live by you and get involved in their school and at that maybe at the whatever PTA I always say PTA because I used to do it. Okay. Okay. Send us some schools don't that. Yeah. But get involved in the PTA, you're gonna find other moms that are the moms or their friends in class. And you can make connections there. And so, you know, maybe you can get some help with someone picking up your kiddo after school or whatever. And so, you know, finding that and then you can come, right? A little bit not feel quite so stressed. Right? It's a stressful world, and added stress. Just ask our patients, don't you think? Oh, 100%. Yeah, yeah. And so, when I was raising my kids, it feels like, well, Shiloh, he's older. Candice, and then Shiloh. I remember when he was like, pretty well, they didn't go to preschool. I haven't taught them until kindergarten, but and then kindergarten, and MTV was just starting. It was so cool. Wasn't raunchy or disgusting. It was fun. But so it's a very different world than it isn't. And so I just feel, I feel like you're challenged. Yeah, but you've got it. Yeah. You've got it. And it's nice that you have a great husband. And you have some family around. You know. And you've got the ladies at the Yes, we love at the exercise class. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Our town so small you guys that we have. Downtown consists of a post office that's open from nine to noon, five days a week. There's a park with a pavilion. And that's our downtown. Yeah, that's it. And so we made it the pavilion for our exercise class and, and to have fun but but you're meeting other people in the neighborhood. Word right in town. Okay, and it's good. You've got people you can call on, including this one. I know that. So, Lindsay, thank you so much. And so if anybody has questions for Lindsay, you can always like, drop them in the comments in, you know, for the show, or you can go I am on Facebook and Instagram. If you just look imperfect heroes podcast on both of those, that's where I am. And then remember that I do a live short session every Tuesday night. So on Facebook, I am live at seven and on Instagram. I'm live at 730. And so we usually talk about our topic for the week. And then if anyone has questions, then they can always put them in the comments there. And we can do that. So I really appreciate you, Lindsay for coming in. And, and Pat, and I appreciate Russell for playing with backspin.

So that works out well.

Before we go though, I always always ask my guests the same question. And so, you know, parents are imperfect, imperfect heroes, but some parents are more successful than others. And so what would you consider a successful parent?

Lindsey Terry  31:19  
I think one that can set some good boundaries, realistic boundaries. And, and show love. I think that as you create those boundaries or expectations for them, you're setting them kind of for yourself, too. And so you're always checking yourself, and you're allowing, I don't know, just reality to happen. So, I mean, you can make it harder. So you don't want to set unrealistic goals for your family or goals for your kids. But I think it's important for them to know that you have expectations and that there are consequences, good or bad. Either way, yeah. So it doesn't mean you have to give them this firm punishment. No. But to know, like, Okay, well, maybe you do quiet time in your room because you didn't do what you're supposed to do. And that helps your child it helps you. And yeah, so I think you can be successful if you just set realistic boundaries and goals in your family. Right?

DJ Stutz  32:16  
Well, and those boundaries help kids know what to expect, right? They're not wondering what kind of mood mom or dad is,

Lindsey Terry  32:22  
on, every kid's gonna test the limits, but they might not assessment dog. But they're not gonna be like, well, we didn't talk about this.

DJ Stutz  32:31  
I know there are so many times and it's gonna happen more and more, especially when they get to teenagers. It's like, oh, I never saw that coming. I know. Wow, I would have never thought of that. You have opened the door. or understanding by

Lindsey Terry  32:50  
learning trial by air. Yeah. What do you do with one kid? That's gonna you'll be a better parent for your next one. Yeah, they will walk into

DJ Stutz  32:57  
the first one. Yes. Well, yeah, that's the oldest. You're not an older stone in the middle. Yeah. Oh, well, there's. I'm an oldest. Yeah. And I and I look at my oldest and it's just like, it's a miracle that we're any of us. Like she'd made it at all. You know, I

Lindsey Terry  33:15  
mean, you both have to grow your

DJ Stutz  33:18  
well, and I don't know how old you are. But I was 22 when I Candice. So 21 and 21. So yeah, it's like, I had a lot of growing up still to do right. Still to do so.

Lindsey Terry  33:30  
No. And they still love us. So it's good.

DJ Stutz  33:33  
It is good. So it's America. All right. Well, Lindsay, thank you so much for coming and sharing with us. And I know you were really nervous. I was

Lindsey Terry  33:41  
Thank you for having me and pushing me like pushing me.

DJ Stutz  33:52  
Thanks so much for coming. And so everyone again, remember to check out and sign up for our newsletter. It's free. And next week. It's going to be just me. And we're going to just be talking more about buttoning up this whole session this whole month on patience and things that we can do and how we can look at this. So anyway, until next week, everyone, let's find joy in parenting. Bye bye, guys.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai