Episode 143: Are Our Kids Being Trained to be Impatient?

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes Podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.

DJ Stutz  0:10  
You're listening to Episode 143 of Imperfect Heroes - Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host DJ Stutz.

Welcome heroes and heroines, and thank you for choosing to spend the next few minutes with us here at Imperfect Heroes. And before we embark on today's discussion, I'd like to remind you to tune in to my weekly live sessions every Tuesday, at seven o'clock on Facebook and 730 on Instagram, and both are hosted on the Imperfect Heroes podcast page. So check the show notes for convenient links. And today marks the culmination of our month-long exploration into the concept of patience. And have you noticed how our world appears to be increasingly consumed by impatience. And it's become more than just a mere annoyance. Some experts even liken it to a social pandemic. kind of tired of that word, quite honestly. There are so many stories about people who are just become rude or even violent, because they were left waiting. So think about it. There are so many stories about people becoming rude, and even violent because they were left waiting. We deal with slow Internet being placed on hold, or just standing around and waiting for service. And these things can trigger us and trigger our frustrations, and at times, outright aggression. And it's not just things that make us impatient. And patients often raises its ugly head when we interact with each other. And we have to tell someone something several times we get impatient, right? When someone is late, we get impatient. When someone just doesn't do a good job or forgets something they said they would do. We get impatient. And we do this with our co workers. We do it with strangers, our friends, our siblings, and our parents, our spouses, and even our kids. So Joanna, oh gosh, and her name is hard to say. But it's Blizzard sky. And she is the founder of leap and leadership. And she has suggested that on our own relentless pursuit of instant gratification. We are further fueled by the rapid advancement in recent technology. And that has led to unrealistic expectations of instant response time. We'll say that loud, huh? So, as adults, our own impatience inevitably seeps into the lives of our children. And they are watching not only their parents, us, but their siblings, other adults in their lives, along with the media that they consume, including programming supposedly made for children. So I want you to think even about Disney shows where the kids get impatient waiting around for their parents. And so they go off and solve a problem on their own. Or they're told not to do something, and they go and do it anyway. But on a lot, or most of the Disney shows, it all works out great for them. And they didn't have to wait for their parents and, and left them behind. Think about some of the cartoons that they're watching. Even blue and blue is adorable. But sometimes those two little baby dogs are very impatient and rude. And they get away with it. So I had to take a breath there, sorry. But the roots of all impatience actually run deeper than our modern day conveniences. So do you remember the anticipation of waiting weeks for a package to arrive? Maybe some of you don't. That's kind of aging me, I guess. But there was an excitement of flipping through the catalogs from JC Penney or Sears and Roebuck and then you'd we'd circle you know, the items that we wanted to have or we're hoping that we would get for a birthday or Christmas or something like that. And those experiences, which were once very commonplace, are now overshadowed by the immediacy of online shopping and same day delivery. And often times these things are delivered within the hour. Fast delivery is just a norm these days, we have fast food, and then it's fast delivered to our homes, right? No longer do we really dress up and go out to a restaurant with children who are expected to sit and behave. The truth is that our fast paced lifestyle has transformed the way that we interact one with another, often leading to just a decline in civility and lack of empathy. What are we teaching our children through all of this behavior? And how often do we have a tough time just to buy a present for a child because they already seem to have everything, the newest toys and the cutest clothes, and kids expect more and more and more expensive presents. And if there isn't a birthday or holiday around the corner, they expect them anyway. And with all of this impatience in our society, we are suffering from less civil interactions, and too often kind of a get even mentality. And we're willing to hurt someone's reputation, or even get them fired or canceled. Because they didn't respond to us fast enough, or they didn't get things done as the exact way that we thought they should get it done. And so I'm just saying, well, I won't use them anymore. We go after them. Hmm. Why would we waste our time on this kind of an endeavor? And what are we teaching our kids when we do stuff like that? So stop and think for a moment about all the toxicity that accompanies impatience? How do you feel when these emotions take over? Is it good for our mental health? Is it good for our physical health? Imagine what it does to our kiddos. And there are some good reasons for our kids to be impatient. But I'm not so sure what our excuses. So, Pamela Cole is a professor and a researcher at Penn State University, and she gives us a little bit of insight. So first of all, she says for the bulk of their young lives, moms and dads have been all about taking care of their kid, right? They are used to your attention. So when there are times when you are asking them to wait for you to finish a conversation, or complete a task, that's a big change for them. And they can feel unsettled by that change. And it isn't like they can think it through cognitively. But they have a natural desire to restore that natural order of things as they've been experiencing it for their whole lives. And so think about how their brains work. Adults have the benefit of executive functioning skills. We have a working memory, we have inhibition, control, and cognitive flexibility, at least we're supposed to. These developments help us to solve problems, regulate attention, and be able to divert our attention to something else to occupy our minds when we have to wait. And we're stuck somewhere, right? The University of Minnesota professor of child development, Phillips, Zona Lazo. cruiselines says that a six month old is just beginning that type of brain development. And so they can start looking for an object that you've hidden in a really easy place for them to find. But these areas of brain development aren't fully developed until about the age of 25. And it's important to remember that kids are working and learning with very immature skills. They're just starting. And so kids are very self centered. And that is normal. It's very common for like a four year old to think the sun revolves around their house, right? It comes up on that side of my house, and it goes down on that side of my house. And so they can struggle to build something with blocks or play with a toy. And it doesn't go as they imagined. And so now they're mad at the toy. It's the toys wall, right. So also, around the age of five kids will begin to develop the ability to think that someone might have a different perspective than theirs, but they will still think that theirs is the most important or the absolute correct one. That's right. It's this is a five year old skill. We still do it as we're adults.

So let's think about that for a minute. But also at this age, that our kids start to criticize themselves. was and become impatient with themselves. And now, this has both a downside and an upside, adults are going to need to help them understand that there are things that they just can't control. And understand that with patience, practice and experience, they're going to be able to master the skill, it's a good time for them to learn that there is joy in accomplishing hard things, things that are going to take a little extra time to do, you can't get it done in five minutes. And in fact, I've had kids when I was teaching kindergarten, who would work on a project for a full week, during a certain time, you know, when we're doing a center time or something like that, they can keep working on something, and come back to it and do that for a full week, before they've actually complete the project. And that's been really fun to watch them go and do, they are also able to consider that feelings and the accomplishments of maybe their peers, or an athlete that they admire on TV or go to games, they might follow certain sports. And so they're starting to develop those skills, and the ability to self regulate themselves, just starting guys, not fully developed there. But they're beginning to self regulate, and consider expectations in a situation. And so what do people expect of me? And am I able to do that? Or what do I expect of other people? And Is that realistic to expect, you can start having those conversations with them around the age of five. So understand, too, that the brain is constantly reshaping itself, through experiences just like any other muscle. And without continued patients, progress can be fleeting, it can just not happen because they get frustrated, and walk away, or they'll destroy whatever it is that they've been working on, and just want to walk away from it. Right? So how can we promote patients in our own kids? Well, the first thing that we can do is become more patient in our own lives, so that we are setting the example. And that one thing alone is going to be the most effective thing that we can do to promote patients. In fact, it's the most effective thing that we can do to promote any skill is just set the right example. But the interesting thing is that many of the exercises that we will use to teach our children about patience are the same things that we can use to promote patients in ourselves. So How convenient is that? Let's get started. Recognize first, that different factors will make patients easier or harder. So there are things like hunger, being tired, not feeling well, you know, all the things that make it hard for you and me, saying things will make it hard for our kiddos. And so as we are helping our kids, make sure that we have set the stage for them to be successful. Make sure that what you are asking is developmentally appropriate. So a four year old is obviously going to be able to wait longer, and be more patient with others than a two year old. And also remember, this is key guys, that not all children develop the same attributes and skills at the same pace. So be patient in their development, but challenge them appropriately so they can grow. Understand that what one four year old can do. Maybe your next child comes up and is four years old. And they may be better or worse in their development

of all kinds of things, including patience. So what are some things that we want to do to help them first off, let's give them some options. And instead of just telling these little guys, you got to wait, just sit down, be still and wait, right? Let's give them some ideas of other things that they can do. Hello outside in play for five minutes. Play with the puzzle, or maybe a favorite toy, get the crayons and go color a picture for me or color one for grandma. I know grandma's love pictures. So give them something to do instead instead of just telling them wait. Okay, so I've already in previous episodes I've mentioned the importance of using timers and asking our kids to wait for one to 10 minutes, depending on the age and the Abyss ility of our kiddos that we're working with, right. And when you think they're ready to give it a stronger try, just increase the time by about 30 seconds at a shot. And then you know, you're just going to slowly get them up to where they can wait for longer periods of time. And another thing that we can do that helps with our kids and man, we know about this in preschools. And in kindergarten, first grade, is playing canes. canes are great for teaching parents. So not only are you strengthening your relationship with your child, by having that time together, doing something fun together, laughing and joking around, but you're also helping your kids learn to wait for their turn, and to follow the rules, right. And so there are games like Candyland, and Chutes and Ladders, there's a ton of them. Those are great for starting out. But you can also use like card games go fish, Old Maid, they have a ton of like Winnie the Pooh cards I had in teaching or memory games, you know where you flip the card and try to match them up. Or you can just make up your own games and have fun with that. In fact, it's kind of fun that if you spend some time with your kid, and you're making up a game that you can do, help me make a waiting game. And then when it comes time, it's like, oh, let's try that game that you came up with, I want to give that one a try. If it's something that they came up with, and maybe you go ahead and write down rules, right, and get them started, they will be more likely to participate. Because this was your game, this is going to be fun. I want to see how it works out. You know, if you're stuck in traffic, if you're waiting at the doctor's office, whatever it is, you can have these fun little things that you can do that need nothing, no, nothing to set up. It's just fun things. And then there's games like I Spy and 20 questions. And who do you think did this and tell them a story. And then they can guess who that story is about. But you can do all these things with them. And then that's going to help them to understand, I can keep my mind occupied in other ways, right? To pass the time when I need to be waiting, and patient and there really isn't anything much else to do. Oh, and another thing is, if you are stuck in line or in traffic, ask them for ideas. We're stuck here. Hmm. What do you think we should do while we're waiting, and let them come up with some of those ideas, they may remember one of the games that they came up with earlier, or days or weeks before, or they may come up with some other things, kids have great imaginations, and they can come up with some really understand alternatives. And so there's an additional benefit to this, it adds to their self esteem. And it bonds your relationship even stronger, when you ask them for ideas. And then you go ahead and use those ideas that they came up with, they become very confident and they become proud of what they've done and, and they feel honored that you wanted them. You were interested in them what their idea was, and it really works. Another thing that you can do is noticed when your kids are being patient. And instead of just saying something like, Oh, you're being so patient, let's seems a nice thing to do, right? But let's go further. And let's tell them what they're doing. That makes them behave in a patient manner. I love the way that you're singing while we wait. This is a good way to be patient. Right? Notice what it is that they're doing. And I know that this constantly comes up, but there's a reason for it. There is strong evidence that screen time negatively impacts patients in children. I know so surprising, right? And so just think about how much screen time we're setting on them. And I know that it's super easy to just give them a screen while you're sitting in the doctor's office or while you're in traffic. But you're missing out on amazing opportunities to connect with your kids to have a talk, have a laugh, sing songs, do car karaoke, do some other things that are more engaging, that are going to strengthen your bonds instead of just throwing a screen in front of them. And I know that there are times when a screen for a short amount of time is just what the doctor needs. You did, right? And so that's okay. But I wouldn't want to use it too often, if you're in a restaurant with the kids, talk to them ahead of time about, this is what we expect for behavior. It might take some time, we might have to wait to get our food after we order it. But what are some things that we can do while we're waiting? And so instead of, again, throwing screen in front of them, let's engage with the kids. Let's have our conversations with the kids and enjoy what they're doing. Talk about, what book are you reading at school? Or who did you play with today at recess? Oh, and I remember you were telling me that Johnny fell down and hit his head, is he back in school yet, listen to what they're telling you so that you can use it in other conversations down the road, that are going to help you and help them be more patient, and to learn how to control themselves, manage their bodies, manage their minds, instead of just going to a screen to be entertained. This constant entertainment at the just the flick of a switch, right? Again, I know I'm all but I think that some of you remember, when you'd go to Blockbuster and to rent a movie, or you had to order something on Netflix, and they mailed you then the DVD, right, and you got it in the mail, and then you watch it, and then you had to send it back. And so there were times when we just had to be patient, we couldn't get things right off the bat. Now, anything you want to watch, you can find it anywhere, or not anywhere, but you can find it very quickly. So as streaming and with DVRs. And with YouTube, and you know, all these things that are on our phone, you can just tell Siri, you don't even have to punch it in, show me funny cat videos. And give it to your kid and let them see the cat videos. They don't have to wait. And so we may think that this is just a nice way to manage the kids keep them happy. But it's going to come back and bite us as we move on. So using it once in a while. Fine. That is not a problem. But I think using it every time you're in the car, you're losing great opportunities. And we are not teaching our kids that we are being patient. And you can use those terms. You know, when we're talking here, and we're not mad, because we're waiting for whatever it is, that is called being patient. And that is what you and I are able to do right now. And so patience can be fun. Because we're having a good time we're talking, we're singing, we're playing games with each other. Do you see how this kind of can go? 

All right. So even though this is our final week with patients, the conversation doesn't need to end here. And so you can join me for live sessions every Tuesday night. So at seven o'clock, I'm on Facebook, and at 730. I'm on Instagram. And both the pages are called Imperfect Heroes Podcast. And so you can find me either place there, you're welcome to come in and join on the conversation. You can use comments, and you can ask questions. And I will usually be talking about, you know, our theme for the week or for the month. And but you're welcome to ask any questions that you have, even if it doesn't really connect to the theme I'm happy to answer. And another thing that you can do is you can also schedule just no cost one on one conversation, just with me. And I'm happy to give you 50 minutes, no cost. But I'd love to learn about you celebrate the successes that you're seeing in your life and in your kids. And then maybe problem solve some of the challenges that you're having and find a way to find joy, even in the challenges. So there's a link down in the show notes. It's my calendar link, it'll say book me. And you can just click on that. Choose a time that works for you. And we can have a lovely conversation. So now that we're done with patience here, we're going to start with a new theme next week for April. And we are going to be exploring strategies to help our children manage changes in their lives. So whether it's a new brother or sister, or maybe it's just grandma and grandpa coming to visit, maybe it's a new classroom, or maybe you've moved and there's differences. What happens in Georgia may not be happening in Chester, Idaho, right. And so how do we help them manage through some of these changes that in their lives, and do it with confidence with independence and kindness, too. So, until next week, let's find joy in parenting. See you later guys!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai