Episode 144: Confidence Through Change, 10 Strategies to Help Your Children Adapt

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes Podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.

DJ Stutz  0:09  
You're listening to Episode 144 of Imperfect Heroes, Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host DJ Stutz.

Welcome heroes and heroines, and thank you for choosing to spend the next few minutes with us here at Imperfect Heroes. And before we embark on today's discussion, I'd like to remind you that you have an opportunity to tune in to my weekly live sessions there every Tuesday at 7pm, mountain time on Facebook, and then at 7:30, I pop over to Instagram. And both of these are hosted on the Imperfect Heroes podcast page. So check out the show notes. And I've got some convenient links there for you. 

So today I am starting the April deep dive into helping children develop the strength and the confidence to manage changes productively, structure and stability are important for developing kids. So changes, even those relatively small ones can throw our kiddos for a loop. And these changes can be difficult for adults, as well. So keep that in mind. Managing changes can be a really good thing. It's through changes, that we all develop stronger resilience, we get more confidence, independence, and the willingness to try new things. Or even just take some risks. All of these things are really important to the human psyche. But change, even change for the good, can be stressful. So some of those big changes that we might be asking our kids to deal with could be divorce, moving, or even a treasured friend moving away, adding a new sibling to the family, or going to a new school. But even smaller changes can be challenging. And these are things like a change in routines, visitors, a new teacher, or going to a new grade, some maybe Grandma and Grandpa are coming to visit, going on vacation, men new pet, the list goes on and on. So it's important to remember that our children will feel our own emotions, and then mirror them. So if your kiddos are struggling with a change, it might be worthwhile to check in with yourself and assess how you are feeling with it all. Perhaps just take a breath, put on an amazing podcast, I happen to know really good one, or just put on your happiest music. And once you start feeling better, you might start seeing a change in your kids attitudes. Another thing to remember is that kids will often feel even unsafe, insecure, frightened, and confused with some changes. And so as you're thinking of strategies to help them along, keep these concerns in mind because they won't always be able to name or talk openly about these feelings. So let's go over 10 strategies that you can use to help them feel safe, and build independence and become more resilient in the process. So the first thing is realizing that sometimes things just happen. Sometimes things are just out of our control. It could be a death of maybe someone in the family or a friend or a classmate, a co worker, it could be an accident that's happened. There's nothing you can do about that. But just do your best to listen to them and let them know you are here for them. So try when these things happen, try to find some fun things that they can do, and have that mixed in, let them play. So if you have to go to a funeral or something like that, and they might have cousins, there might be other kids. It's okay for them to play while we're going through all that process of trying to make all the arrangements and you know, all of the things that go along and then see if you can bring them in on the decisions that you're making where it's appropriate, but to say how would you like to honor grandma or grandpa? Or how can we say goodbye to a dear friend or to pat and bring them in on some of those decisions so that they're feeling heard and that they're helping to make important decisions that will tend to help them so number two, Be sure to give them plenty of time, and be able to make adjustments when you're able to do that. So of course, remember, when things are just thrown at them, hey, we're doing this, they can develop this type of like emotional whiplash. And kids often feel really unsettled when these changes happen without any notice. And then the thing is that when they're young, they will start wondering, well, what's the next big thing that's going to happen? This can be especially difficult when there are several changes that happen in a short amount of time. So when you think about things like moving, it's not just moving to a new house, you're looking at a new neighborhood, or maybe a new state or a new city, it can change the cultures that you're surrounded with, right. And so maybe there's a new school, of course, there's going to be a new school, if you're going to make that big thing, having to make new friends, that's a bunch of changes that are happening in a really short amount of time. And so really take a look at that whole big picture. What are all of the changes that I'm expecting my child and myself to manage through. So one of the things that you can do is use a calendar, you know, mean calendars. So putting things up like this is our moving days, and then include things that may lead up to the big, you know, the big event, so you don't just move willy nilly, you maybe have to go looking for our house or an apartment, new apartment, you're going to have to pack and you're going to have to make sure that you have things that are comfort items that are really important to them are easily accessible. So those are some of the first boxes that you're going to unpack, if you have on the calendar, all of these different things, then they can see what's coming, you can go over it. If your kids can't read yet, just just pictures and just use double sided tape or just wrap the tape around and stick it on there. And so they can see, oh, this is what's coming here. This is what's coming in there. And so then you can even plan for saying goodbye and events like play date, or maybe a going away party, something like that. But try to include them in as much as you can with the planning and preparing. And so what are some of the important things that we're going to need? And what do you want to have easy access to? And maybe even planning on things like, oh, what color are we going to paint your room or some of those things that they can do. And then it's even okay to spend some time even role playing situations that may be new or stressful. So if they're going to go to a school, or they're going to a new neighborhood, let's role play inviting other kids to come and get to know us and to play outside or to introduce yourself to a new friend. And it's always fun when my kids were younger, and sometimes you'd have a new family that would move in. And sometimes they beat us to it and come to the door and say do you have any kids. And I always thought that was so cool. Other times, you know, I'd like to send my kids out to introduce themselves. One of the things that my husband did was a couple of times, we moved into brand new neighborhoods. And so there's landscaping to be done, there's all of this packing to be done. Ross was really great about getting the kids grabbing a wheelbarrow if they saw like a load of dirt or a load of rocks or whatever had been delivered in the street in front of them grabbing a wheelbarrow and saying, Come on, we're gonna go help. And off, they'd go. And here's a wheelbarrow can we help you out and you never got turned down. But then that's a great way to make those connections with new people in the community. And so if you get your kids involved in some of those things, if you can practice introducing yourself or making a friend, that's another way to really help your kids manage through those changes that are occurring. And because they practiced it, they have an idea of what they need to do and what they want to accomplish. All right, let's look at number three, your children are probably going to have a lot of questions about whatever is going on, even if it's a vacation, when are we going and what are we going to do when we're there? Where are we going to stay all of those things. And even if it's something fun, it can be a little scary for kids, if they haven't stayed in a hotel before or they are unsure about you're in a whole new part of the country or even maybe the world depending on what your travel plans are. So they can be a little scared, they can be super excited about it. They can have expectations that are above and beyond what you're really going to be able to do in the amount of time that you're there or when the visitors are there or whatever. And so do your best to really acknowledge their feelings and encourage them to look at the upside of moving or even have a friend going away. or whatever it is, but haven't looked at the upside, talk about the positives that are going to be a part of this change. And so, you know, just really acknowledged that, yeah, I know this can be a little scary. Let's think about all the cool things that we're going to do. And then you can even do searches on internet to see what are the some of the cool things that are going to be by where we're going, or what we're doing or whatever. Help them to work through those feelings and head toward a positive direction of curiosity and excitement as you're going forward. And depending on what the change is, be sure to allow your kids a little time to process to think about it, you may tell them something and you think, Oh, they're doing great. They seem to be fine. But then a couple of days later, you're dealing with meltdowns and temper tantrums and crying and not sleeping well at night not getting up well in the morning, those are all signs that your kids are working through some of those emotions. And sometimes I know even for me, and for adults, it can be that you are actually on a time delay, for processing it. And so you hear about it, you need some time to work through it in your head. And then sometimes all the emotions will get there. So give your kids that time as well. And then work to really acknowledge your own emotions, but don't project them onto your kid. So maybe you went through divorces as a kid, and you had all of these fears and concerns or your dad or mom didn't really come back much and didn't spend much time and so you felt all alone. And so you have these big emotions about what you're going through. Don't project that onto your kids. Let your kids feel their own emotions, and don't say, Oh, I know you feel scared. Maybe asking them? What are you thinking about all of this? And what is your biggest worry about this? And allow them to have their own emotions? And not once that you project onto you? I know you're feeling this? Do you really talk to them about it and see what's going on? Because the questions that they have may not be the same questions that you had, or you're currently having. And then remember, you don't have to answer all of their questions. It's okay to say, Yeah, I don't really know how this is gonna work out, it's going to be interesting to see, but we'll manage sometimes, and you don't have to fix all of their concerns. Some of their concerns aren't fixable, quite honestly. And so we can listen to them. And sometimes kids just need to be heard they need someone to hear them out and not interrupt them and not say, oh, but this and that. But just say yeah, yeah, I get it. And then is there anything then that you think we can do or should be doing to help you through, let them take the lead in that conversation, and you're gonna get a lot further, okay. Number four is going to be there are a lot of books that talk about many different kinds of changes. And so whether it is something like moving or losing a friend or whatever, or maybe it's going on vacation, you can get books about the area that you're going to and let them look at some of the highlights of some of the things that are going to be available when you go there. If you're thinking about getting a new pet, don't just come home with a puppy. That can be fun for the moment. But if you haven't really talked about what are the benefits of this breed over that breed and whatever? And let them look at different kinds of pets? And what is the type of pet that we're looking for? And what are the things that we need to have in place, this is a pet that's going to have a ton of energy, those bigger ones, you think they need a lot of room, but sometimes they're just easy going and they just need a good place to flop. So there are a ton of books that are out there that can address all of these things, whether it's death, or loss, or divorce, or vacation, or moving, or whatever. There are ton of books that are out there. And so just engage them with storytime or with planning or whatever it is, you know, what kind of clothes are we going to need. And now you can only bring one special toy or special comfort thing like a blanket or if it's a binky, you may want several of us, but stuffed animals, those kinds of things that bring them some peace and joy, but we can't bring all their things if we're on vacation, because that's just craziness. So there you are. So number five, we're going back to this whole divorce thing. Or it could be even if an older sibling is just going away, whether it's they're going away to college, or just maybe to a summer camp and they're you're only going to be gone for a week or two. That can be really stressful for a child. Or maybe there's an exchange student opportunity and they're going to go to a whole nother country for a semester that can be lost. Gary for a younger person. And so let's talk to them. And let's be really specific. When is this going to happen? Where are they going? So I may not be going to camp or I may not be going to France, or whatever it is. But let's talk about where they are going and look at some of those things that they're going to be doing. They may have a question like, am I going to be able to see them. And so we've got boys, so many good things. Now we've got zoom, we've got iPhones, we could FaceTime. There's all kinds of things that we can do to say, they're not going to be here in person for a couple of weeks or a few months. But every Wednesday night, at six o'clock, whatever, we're going to zoom, and we can hear all their stories about all the cool things that they are doing. And then there are things where kids will impose guilt upon themselves, right? So if there's a divorce or even a death, well, I'll be better, I'll be better. And they think it's their fault. I hope more I'll and they feel really guilty about some of the things that they don't need to feel guilty at all about. They may be asking questions about, are they coming back, that they're going to college or off to France, yes, they'll be coming back. But in other situations, no, honey, they're not going to be coming back. And so we get to still love them. And all of that this is a good time to bring your faith traditions in to talk about what you think is going on, if there's a death. But I think without giving too many personal details, but being upfront and honest with them. Okay, so maybe an older sibling is getting married, I'm the oldest. And when I got married, my youngest brother was three.

And so DJ isn't going to be coming back to live with us, she'll come to visit and we'll see her then. But she has russe and they are going to start their own family. And then so just being very open and honest. And matter of fact, don't embellish a ton, because that may not be what they're really asking or what they're interested in. And so keeping that conversation going is going to be really important to help them understand and manage what's going on. Now, if you are going further on vacation or some other changes, one of the easiest things is to keep as close to the regular routines as possible. And sometimes I know that you're planning for a funeral, or if you're moving or all of those things, routines can be mixed up, right that I mean, then you have no control over that. But there are some things that you can have control over that. And remember that the more stable and the more familiarity that they have with routines, it's going to help our kids feel safe, and more confident and less worried. So let's look at what are the routines that you can keep as you're going through whatever change what are your morning routines of getting up and maybe having a favorite breakfast or a standard breakfast, right? Keep naptimes as close to PA and man when they are infants and toddlers that is going to be really key, because then they'll have the rest that they need at the time that they need it and remember timezone changes. So what was 10 o'clock where you are maybe earlier or later, depending on where you're vacationing or where you're moving to. And so you're gonna want to slowly move them to the right time zone, you can do some of that before you go. And then some of that during the whole process, mealtime to try to keep mealtimes on their normal schedule so that they don't get too hungry. Right, we can forget that they're used to eating at this time, but we're out sightseeing, or were at Disneyland or up hiking in the mountains and camping or whatever that is. And so it's easy to get caught up and all of that activity and forget that, oh, he usually eats at this time. And so I need to get them a snack or whatever it is that they're used to. And we've already talked about bringing that special blanket or a special toy that may provide comfort even having that with you, depending on you know where you're going what you're doing. I don't know, it seems like we always had a backpack or a bag or a storage area in the stroller that we could put stuff in that we knew that they were going to need. I remember we took the kids to Disneyland one time and one of the kids just it was her naptime. And she was dozing and so we just sat down on a bench that was some shade. And we tilted the stroller back so she could recline and she slept for like an hour and a half in the middle of Disneyland. And we just kind of took turns with the other kids going back and forth. Worthen, letting them do their things. And one of us stayed with our little one, so that she could get that nap in. And then she had so much fun after she'd had her proper nap, and she was rested and ready to go. So that's something really to think about. You might want to also include familiar games and stories and songs. So maybe if you're at a new home, or you're on your way, or if you're on vacation, and it's in the evening, what are some of those traditional things are you used to talking about certain stories or playing certain games or singing certain songs that are familiar to them, that can help them feel comfort, and that familiarity that they really need during these times of change? So think about those kinds of things that you can get going. And so we're at number seven, can you even believe it, my goodness, I have my notes right here. And so just remember that the key thing that's going to help your child have more confidence and to feel more secure, is their relationship with you, you are the constant. And so really Home is where you are, even though you may be moving from Florida to Idaho, it's going to be very different. But Home is where our family is, it's not somehow some building, it's not even really a town, it's where our family is. And so help them remember that you've got that relationship, you're not going anywhere, right? Whatever you do, nothing's going to change the love that you have for them, that you will be there to protect them and to take care of them to teach them all of those things that are so important. And then make sure that you are spending as much time as possible with them doing the kinds of things that they enjoy doing. And those things that you've done before that built those connections between you and your spouse, and your kids. So those familiar things, spending that extra time and realizing, oh, maybe I'm not going to get all this packing done today, I can see we need to go outside, we need to go check out the park that's close, or, Oh, I don't know, little, we don't even have a little caesars share. But if you have favorite pizza chain, oh, we have it here. Let's go get it here. And so they can see that there's some things that are familiar. And that will not change. But the biggest thing is your relationship with them and that you are there, you're going to love them you're get through it all, if there's an issue with maybe a consequence, for some kind of an action or something. None of that matters. Because I'm here for you, we'll get through this together. And that's going to make them feel safer and more secure. Okay, we're up to number eight. So we want to be sure to give them choices when possible. And then ask them for help. So let's say your movie, and you could ask what color they want to paint their room or if they want to have a special theme dinosaurs, race cars, princesses, the ocean, a favorite team that they like. And honestly, if you are a sports family, and you follow certain local team, where you've been, you can still follow that team. And you can bring that with you. Because that's probably some of the things that you guys are connecting on is the love for the UCLA Bruins Right? Or the love for the Colorado Rockies. So bring that with you and let them have that familiarity. But ask them what would you like in your room do you want maybe they can get a new bedspread or pictures on the wall or whatever it is. Another thing that they can help you with is planning meals and offering suggestions. So if you're going off on a vacation, or grandma and grandpa are coming to visit, or whatever it is, let them plan a meal or two and make sure that you're including some of their favorite mac and cheese may not be the most healthy, although homemade is always fun. But if that's what they want, and that's their comfort food. Let's make sure that we're planning for a meal with that and let them come up with it. What do you think grandma and grandpa would like to eat while they're here? And they may say peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We can do a lunch with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And grandma and grandpa probably won't mind because they know that that's their child's favorite unless there's some dietary restrictions, but you can always work around that as well. Other things that they can plan and make their own choice on is what would they like to wear on their first day of school or going to a new classroom? Going to a new grade right? What would they like to do to make them feel comfortable. And so maybe it's the tradition of school shopping and getting to pick a new outfit to wear that first day or having some new shoes, a new backpack, all of those things are fun about starting a new year in school. And that can be a lot of fun. And some of the things do is should you plan a going away party easier if you're moving away, or maybe if a friend's moving away, and they're really stressed out about that? I know, let's do a going away party for them, so that they will see all their friends, and they will know how much we all love them. Right? And you can take pictures of them all together, but let them help plan some of those things. And even asking if there's a funeral. What would you like to do after the funeral to lighten things up, and I will tell you, I know my family's a little interesting. But when my dad died, he died very suddenly, he was only 57. And he had season tickets to buy then he was teaching at BYU. And he had season tickets to BYU basketball. And we used just tickets.

And we all went to the basketball game and sat together. But that was a family thing that we'd always done with dad. And so that brought us peace and those good memories in that connection. And so it was after his viewing that night, we went to the game. And then after his funeral, we just to my husband and I and our kids. And we went to a hockey game in Salt Lake. And these were things that we knew dad liked to do that I'd like to ski. I'd like to hike. And so it doesn't need to be all of the sad things. But recreating those memories and talking about all the fun things that we did with Grandfather, they called my dad, grandfather, or dad? And what were some of the fun things that we did and connecting that it doesn't have to be all sad and mourning and all of that I don't think that's healthy anyway. So what would you like to do after this hard thing? And we've gotten through it, let's go do something great. Let's go something that builds more memories or builds upon memories that we've already had and connects us to something and then asking the kids, what are some of the key things that you want to do while you're on vacation, or once you're at the New City are at a new location. Maybe they really want to go and see Hogwarts, Universal Studios, if you're in Florida or California, those are fun. Those are fun things. But maybe that might be too much for another kid. Maybe another kid isn't really interested in Hogwarts, there's a different part of Universal Studios that they want to go see. So look at all of the options, get the fliers out and the pamphlets and the list of rides and let them pick the most important ride to them. And so if you have multiple kids, then you're going to say okay, this is Joey's most important ride. And this is Sally's most important ride. And this is Josh was most important ride. And so we're going to make sure we get to all the number ones. And then we'll figure out what else we can do. It depends on how busy the park is, how long the lines are, what the weather is, all of those kinds of things are going to come into play. But if the kids feel like they've got that most important thing that they wanted to do covered, then they're going to have an easier time managing with that, because there's a change of plans that happens. And that's a change that can be difficult for people to go through. Even for adults, we went all the way to here and we were really excited, this ride was closed or it started raining and I didn't get my beach day or whatever. And you could we can either mope and be upset about it and our kids are watching us. Or we can say, oh, geez, okay, well, you know what, that opens us up to a new experience. And so be positive about it, and your kids will pick up on that. Number nine is, life is full of changes. And we learn as we go teach them and remind them that they are going to have many changes throughout their life. That's just part of being human. And some of these changes are fun. Some of these changes are not, but we as a family, and you as a person are already strong enough to meet all of these challenges. And to succeed, finding a way to succeed and success may change in how it's going to be defined, either through time or through the change that comes or in expectations. We hit may have some big expectations. And once we get there, we realize, oh geez, that's really not going to fly. And so, all right, well, we're going to adjust and we're going to be okay. And each change is an opportunity to try new things, to learn new things to meet new people. And to even be a blessing to others that are around us and out there. And so we certainly want to enjoy that. And then let our kids know that you have a choice here, guys, you can either embrace this, or you can be sad and moping about it. But these are things we cannot change. And so it's up to them and let them know it's going to be your choice to be sad, is that fun, or to be excited and up for the challenge, we do hard things, we don't back down because things get hard or disappointing. We're going to find a way to make this work. Because that's who we are, and what a great lesson to teach our kids about resilience and not getting torn down over something that just didn't work out. And then remind them to that you're there to help them. You're there to help them through whatever it is, and it's okay to be sad. But do you want to stay sad forever? Or the best way to get over being sad or depressed is find somebody to help. Let's go find somebody. Who do you think needs help? And so you're there for them, you're going to help them through all of this. Right? Okay, I say right, a lot. Anyway, remember that you and your spouse are the anchor to your family, you are the ones that are going to hold it all together. If you lose it and fall apart, they're probably going to as well, if you're not able to manage through change, they are going to become more fragile, and not be able to be confident and independent and problem solvers, they're just going to melt down and fall apart. The world has enough those people what start a new generation with a new outlook on how to manage through things. So your children are going to look to you to find that consistency. So the best that you can keep their boundaries and their rules that are familiar to them. Let's keep those boundaries and rules. You don't change your values, right, you may have to change on like how far they can go on their bike for a while until they become more familiar, or what areas that they are able to go and do things play with things, because it's a whole different system. But we're still going to hold those values dear. And whatever those values are, that are important to you. For us, it was like being kind, looking for ways to help serving God, all of those things they remain, and no matter where you go. And when they have that they're going to feel safer and understand how to maneuver the changes within the boundaries of the things that are really important to you and your family. So you are what remains familiar to these kids. And that is the comfort that they will need. That's really the biggest comfort that they're going to need is that you are there. And so it's okay to be silly, and sometimes even embarrassing to lighten the mood, it's okay, that this is going to help them when you can laugh during a really hard time, you're going to be okay. And so remember to that you are the one that represents home and comfort. No matter where you are, no matter where you live Home is where your family is. And so if you can really keep those in and help them understand that comfort. So the reality is, again, as human beings, we're going to be dealing with changes every day. And sometimes it's the little things that are gonna just irritate us the most right, and our kids are watching us all the time. And so when we can be the example that they can learn from and depend on, we can be the example of what they need to be, then they're going to do really well and their reactions to changes are going to have a lot to do with how they learn to react to those changes. Just remember that you are there to prepare them. So go ahead and give them opportunities to solve problems, set up a scenario where they've got to figure something out or work through a situation as you're there. And it's nice when you can be there to kind of oversee and make sure but and then as they do it more and more, you're gonna step back more and more and more so that they are more independent, because they've learned from you all the cool things that they need to know to be productive and independent and confident. Confidence is very different than ego. Right? So we want them to be confident in how they approach things, and then they're going to be able to look toward a better future. When they have the skills, they're going to learn to see that bigger picture. And then know that even if things don't work out right away, some problems are going to be solved quickly. Some are going to take maybe years, some maybe even a lifetime to work through. But if you've remind them that the Lord is there with them, and so when you can't be with them, God is there with them. And that things aren't going to work out in the end. And there's that saying, if it's not good, it's not the end, something like that. We're still in the middle of it, if things are tough, okay. 

So if you want more information, you want to have some more activities and support with helping your children with gaining that confidence and independence to manage their changes productively, the conversation doesn't need to end here. So there's a calendar link in the show notes. It's book me. And then Imperfect Heroes, you'll see it down in the show notes. And you can just click on that and find a time that works for you to book a no cost 50-minute introduction conversation, I'd love to talk to you about what you see the questions you have, and how we can do some problem-solving, quick and easy and get some of these little things out of the way that help you address maybe some bigger things. And I have fun when we do it. And so I'd love to meet you all. And that link is going to be in the show notes. 

And again, remember to join me for those live sessions every Tuesday night. So at 7pm Mountain Time on Facebook and then 7:30 on Instagram. They both have the Imperfect Heroes podcast page. So kind of listen and join the conversation with your own comments and questions. So next week, we're going to explore more deeply into strategies to help our children manage changes. And my special guest next week is Joris Gjata, and I'm sure I'm butchering her name. She came from one country to another as a child and talk about big changes, and how do you hang on to your culture? But then how do you also work yourself into the new culture as well and find a way for them to mouth the great conversation. So until next week, let's find joy in parenting.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai