Episode 149: From Meltdowns to Marvels: The Perseverance Playbook

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.

DJ Stutz  0:09  
You're listening to Imperfect Heroes - Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect group, and I'm your host, DJ Stutz.

Welcome my heroes and heroines, it's so glad to have you back. And today we are introducing a new topic for the month of May. And that is on perseverance. But before we get started, I just wanted to share with you that I have a new offering. It's called Parent Perspectives Workshop. And so this is a no cost workshop, where we gather every fourth Thursday of the month, at 1pm. Mountain Time to sprinkle just some wisdom swap stories, and tackle some of those highs and lows of this wild ride that we call parenting. And so this month, we are rolling up our sleeves, we're diving headfirst into the world of perseverance. That's what our topic is going to be on the next Parent Perspectives. So if you can't make it to the life, it's fine, we will post the replays. But the lives are more fun. You can interact and stuff if you can make it, but it at no cost to you along with the imperfect heroes insiders, which gives you like added content. And I've got book reviews and songs that you can learn and sing with your kids not only to build your relationship with them, but to help them learn some things and be a little bit ahead of the game and their academic. So it's a lot of fun. So both of those are available on the website. It is www.LittleHeartsAcademyusa.com. And you'll find both of them there. So look forward to seeing you. 

All right, well, let's get started. When we talk about building that value and skill of perseverance in our kiddos, they are not the only ones who need to remember to persevere when the going gets rough, right? It's so easy for us as parents to just give in, give up when our kids give us those big challenges. So I want you to just kind of picture this. You're knee deep in the trenches. You're dodging meltdowns like a pro, and then it suddenly hits you perservere wrens. It's not just a fancy word. It's a magic key to survival in the chaotic circus, I guess that we call life. And so let's face it, teaching perseverance is not a walk in the park. It's more like running a marathon. So let's talk about perseverance. I think we all have something that comes to our mind with the topic. And so the definition is actually and I had it written down. It's the continued effort to do or achieve something, despite difficulties, failures, or opposition. In total kids give us some opposition here and there. In fact, they seem to be pretty much experts at weariness down. And just as the saying goes, it takes money to make money. It takes perseverance to teach perseverance. And so as we work to help our children learn to persevere, don't forget that it's important for us to build our own perseverance muscles, as well. They need to be strengthened all the time. So it seemed that we're kind of in this society that just seems to give up on things so easily, whatever's easy. And when we don't go to fight the big fights when we really need to do so. Well. Our kids can be like miniature Jedi masters for the Star Wars connoisseurs of pushing our buttons. And so let's talk for a minute about how we the brave imperfect heroes, right? The Guardians of sanity can master the art of just never breaking down. Why do we care about perseverance? Well, we know that kiddos who persevere are just the rock stars of life. Just imagine them with that oozing confidence in taking on challenges, right? And isn't that the goal? We know that children and people in general who persevere they live fuller lives, they accomplish more, they are more confident and they're more compassionate to and as children Severe, they learn more about their own strengths and abilities, they learn to have a more positive outlook, they're more willing to try new things. And they are, this is a plus for mom and dad, they are actually able to spend time alone and find things to keep them busy. Without you constantly being there, they find the confidence to say no, and create healthy boundaries. And boy, that is so important as they grow, and they get friends and they have things happen in school, and maybe a friend wants them to do something that they know they shouldn't do. Did they have the perseverance in living a life free of Well, no, it isn't free, I guess, do they have the perseverance to live that life and stand strong in the values and the moralities that are so important, right? So when they have friends that are doing stuff like that, they can have the confidence and the determination to say no, and create those boundaries. They are able to meet challenges and struggles with less anxiety, and they have more problem solving confidence. They're better able to bounce back when adversity happens, disappointments happens. Even sometimes traumatic experiences can happen. But kids do know about perseverance and keeping with it, they actually do bounce back better and faster, they tend to be more honest and take on the responsibilities for their own actions. Even when they know they might get into some trouble for it. They tend to be more honest and stand strong and that they are more authentic, they have a better understanding of themselves and who they are. They have less stress, they have less anxiety. And because of that, then they are healthier, actually. So that's pretty cool. Doesn't this sounds like something that's worth working toward, not just for our kids, but for ourselves as well. So how do we help our little ones grow into these perseverance, powerhouses, from decision making to embracing failure, I've got some tools that you can use to help raise the next generation of imperfect heroes. So it's just a few suggestions. Now I do have more. And we can talk further about implementing them, how to make them actually work in your family and with your kids and with yourself. So please feel free to contact me or sign up for a free one hour conversation. And the calendar link is down in the show notes. But let's talk about this and how this will work in your family. So here's some of the ideas. First off, we want to encourage them to make the decisions that are going to affect them. So it could be things like how they spend their own pocket money, what clothes they're going to wear. And when there's several things that need to get done. What are you going to do first, those are some of the things that can help them get started. We want to teach them that their decisions have consequences. Seems like we have some youth and people in our society that have forgotten that concept. And so we want to remember that consequences are not always bad, there are good consequences to so if we work quickly, and we get our room clean, or we brush our teeth and get dressed or whatever, we'll have extra time to maybe go outside and play read an extra story. That kind of stuff. I know when I was a kid growing up, and was seven of us well, and that was really six for most of the time that I was growing up the youngest didn't come till I was almost like two weeks before I turned 17. But when I was a kid, our big deal was on Saturdays we all had chores to do. And we wanted to get those chores done as quickly as possible. Because the consequence of that, getting it done right mom had her standards. But getting it done right getting it done quickly. Then we were free to hop on our bikes and go and ride around the neighborhood and create all kinds of other kinds of mayhem. But we had a blast. And that's what we wanted to do. That was the consequence of getting things done right and getting them done quickly. So there are good consequences and there are bad consequences. So plan for the consequences that you want. How do you want things to work out and then make your decision on how am I going to make that happen? So for us wanting to have a Saturday full of riding our bikes and going to friends houses and swimming that we didn't have a swimming pool. I grew up in Los Angeles so we didn't have a swimming pool. But we had friends who did, we wanted to go and swim at their houses and stuff. So plant the consequences that you want, and then make your decision on how you're going to get that happen. Another thing is let them finish. So they may be working on a picture or reading a book or building a Lego thing. Some of those take a lot of work and a lot of time. And so if you don't have the time to just wait and let them spend all day on it, they can come back to it later. So you're going to say, we've got to run, go this errand, or go to church or do whatever it is. But let's leave this here. So that when you come back, you can work on it some more, or finish it, whatever is going on. But let them finish things that they are working on. And don't rush in to help them or hurry them. Okay, let me just finished this for you know, let them come back to it if they need to, but let them do it. Let them finish it. And instead of jumping in, another thing is look around and ask yourself, Is this actually done? So did things actually get picked up and put away? Or are there still some things on the floor? And you're just tired of trying? Did we answer everything that we had to do on our homework? Did we practice long enough on I don't know, the piano or the clarinet, whatever. My brothers played the clarinet. So that's why that came to mind. My dad did do, what are some of the things that we want to make sure that they are finishing now? Is it possible, they just need a break, and we can set the timer for 510 minutes, okay, go take a break. But then when the timer goes off, you're going to come back and we're going to finish this. And especially when they're younger, they may need your help. And they may need some direction, especially when their room is like super big, messy, or whatever. So we're going to divide it up into pieces that they can swallow. So we're just going to pick up the yellow toys, or we're just going to pick up the cars. Oh, no, that's not a car, but it down. And you can make a game out of it and have fun with it, we're just going to start with picking up the dirty clothes. But then when they're starting off, they're going to need your help to help them learn about how to be organized and get things done. Maybe break things up into bite sized pieces. So that they can persevere as they get older. They're going to know what they need to do to get it finished and done and to set those goals in those those guidelines for themselves. Right? So we want them to know it's okay to ask for help. We want them to ask for help when they really need it. But let's encourage them to try and work it out on their own. That doesn't mean that we abandon them. But it does mean that we're maybe going to ask questions to better understand what are the parts of the task that they actually do need help with, and then guide them to find the solutions. And help them come to their own conclusions on how to solve the problem. Sometimes we jump in and we help far more than they needed us to help. And so we want to make sure that we're are asking the right questions, so that we're not going too far, and robbing them of the opportunity to learn how to do it on their own to figure out and problem solve on their own. Now, we want to recognize too, though, that sometimes when they ask questions, they really just want to have an excuse to have you nearby. They're missing you. And so they might Mom, Dad, I need help, right? So you come in, and you can recognize that you can look at that. And we can find ways to work together. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to finish the chore, or the project or solve the problem for you. We'll work on it together. But when they are looking for just time with you, let's honor that and make it productive though, and then help them find those solutions instead of quitting. Oh, this is too hard. And we see that sometimes with maybe sports. So we joined a team or we joined a club or whatever. And we committed to X amount of time. And so they want to quit early. Well, we promised that we would do this and we are going to persevere. We are not quitters. You can use whatever terms you want to do. But then you can say and then when this is done, we can decide if you want to keep going. Or if you want to stop you can even mark it on the calendar so they know how much longer but then we might want to see what is causing the problem. Maybe they need a little more practice throwing and catching the ball. Maybe they need to stick with getting their homework done and enough stopping or quitting because As they're tired, I don't want to do it anymore. Well, let's divide it up into small viable chunks, but we're still going to finish it, we can work in breaks, we can work in all of these things, but we're not going to quit, we're going to still finish it. And two, it's important to remind them that, you know, failure is just another way of learning. It's not a big deal. And I know that sometimes we get frustrated with it. But now we know, oh, this didn't work. Well, oh, now we know, we don't like this sport, we don't want to do it, we move on to something else. But failure is not a bad thing. And in fact, the masters of industry will tell you that they learned far more from their failures than they did through their successes. And so it's okay for them to fail. It's okay for them to fall. And to get up. Well, if our child falls from riding a bike, we say never again, and don't ever ride your bike again. Or do we encourage them to Okay, let's brush it off. Maybe we need a bandaid, okay. But we're going to try again, maybe not today, maybe it'll be tomorrow, or maybe in an hour. But we're going to try again, we do the same thing with teaching them to walk, to talk, to hold the pencil to write their name. All of these things come from perseverance, when we can take those skills, and move them into all the other parts of their lives and make it work so well, too. And so another thing is, we want to make sure that we're the role model that they need to see in perseverance. And so if they see us getting frustrated and mad, or throwing something across the room, because it isn't working, right, they're learning they're watching, or if we are like, Oh, this is a problem. I'm feeling really frustrated right? Now. You can say that and say, Gosh, this is so frustrating. Maybe I need to take a break and come back to it in an hour or tomorrow or whatever. But you can say that, and then they are going to watch you and they're going to watch and notice, did you come back to it? Did you work on it? Did you figure it out, and to admit that you are frustrated? That that frustration isn't going to keep us from accomplishing something that we want to do or need to do. Because sometimes the things we need to do are not the things we want to do so we can get that. But realize and remember that our children do watch our every move. They listen to our every word. And they're paying attention to every reaction that we have to our surroundings, to our problems to our challenges and our hobbies and the things that excite us. They're watching every bit of that. So be sure to take challenges in stride and come up with strategies, and even let them come up with you know, I'm having a hard time with this. Do you think maybe you can help me figure out how to do it? They love that. Even when they're teenagers, you know, can you help me with this phone thing, I haven't got it figured out. That's my go to.

Oh, gosh, Mom, you know, but then they can help me and they do it and and that helps us together. Another thing that you can do is let them see you or help you with doing some research in how to find new perspectives or new strategies or new ways to accomplish something that you're trying to do. And that gives them added skills to help them in perseverance. Now another area that we need to persevere in that I see as a society giving up on things way too often is perseverance in relationships. So what are the relationships that we need to persevere in? Certainly our kids, the relationship with our kids. But let's stop and think about that for a minute. Let's talk about persevering while adulting because let's face it, being in a family is the ultimate test of perseverance. For sure. So I have a friend from Las Vegas who years ago, we were raising our kids, our kids were about the same age. And they had four boys who were active, they had moved to the country from a place that didn't speak English. So the boys were having to learn a new language and then having to learn new traditions and routines and how things work a school was very different where they came from, than where we were. And so they were struggling. They were having a few problems here and there. Good kids, though. Nice kids just having a hard time and then being four boys, and all the rowdiness that four boys do, right. And her husband came to her one day and he said, I'm out of air. I'm done. And he actually said, being a parent is too hard. I don't want to do this anymore. And he left left her with the voice. And she worked hard and did a great job in raising them and teaching them but it was a struggle. It was hard. But she was the one who persevered. He just left because it's too hard. Right? I work all the time with parents who they just get tired. From all the challenges of life, and so it's easier to just give it to their kids demands, shut them up, calm them down, I've got to get some other stuff done. But then after they've done that for a while, they're coming to me, because now they're struggling with kids who are angry and demanding. And they're honestly just incapable of sticking to it and accomplishing the things that they need to do to reach the dreams that we often tell them are so possible, right? We tell them, you can be anything you want. First off, that's a lie. Just wanting to let you know, there are some things that you can do if you persevere, but I will never be an NBA basketball player, I will never be an airline pilot, I will never be a marathon runner. I could do that if I wanted. But I don't have the perseverance and the desire to get there. And so we can have these dreams, but are we willing a to put in the work to get it done. Because if not, it's not going to happen. That's just part of life. Or maybe I don't have the physical abilities, or honestly, the mental capabilities. My dad was a expert, a world renowned expert in electro chemical engineering, I don't have the brains for that. I had the brains for early childhood and knowing kids. And the funny thing is, my dad didn't have the ability to understand young small kids. And it was a struggle for him until we started getting older. And he could have more logical conversations with us, it was a big struggle for him. So we're all good at different things. And that's great. And that's wonderful. But we can't be anything. So think about that when we're talking about our kids. But we don't want our kids to grow up to feel incapable, that they can't do something if they're willing to put in the time and the effort. And it makes sense, right? Like me, and playing NBA basketball doesn't make sense, it's not gonna work. So maybe we need to find another route to use some of those skills and some of those interests that I might have, right. So we want them to understand that they don't want to settle for what's easy, they are not going to wind up living in our basement playing. Playing video games, when they're 35, we have to teach them to persevere, to keep going. And this isn't an easy task. Whereas as parents, we have our work, we have our worries and our stresses, we have to provide a home healthy food, we need close education for our kiddos. And yes, on top of all of that, we have to take time to parent, we have to keep at it. And we have to be there for the kids, we have to set boundaries, we need to encourage them, we need to teach them how to problem solve. We need to educate them. Talk to you about that in just a second. And we need to teach them to be confident and independent. And even when we're tired and exhausted and we don't feel good. We still have to be that parent and persevere. And that's what makes all the difference. And so and as far as education goes, honestly, the bottom line truth is, it's our job, it's our job to make sure that they are learning the things that they need to learn, whether they're in a public school, whether you're homeschooling, whether you put them in a classical, charter school, whatever it is, but it's our job to make sure that the things that they are being taught, are truthful, are workable, that they will be taught in a way that they can transfer that knowledge into the real world. Because sometimes that's not happening. And so we gotta be on top of that parents. So there's going to be times when we just have to redefine meet time. And we have to find that inner peace and joy in unexpected ways. And so I know when I had little kids and new baby and other kids running around, and I'd be up at one or two in the morning nursing the new baby. But that was regenerative for me. That was a time when I could smell their hair and it was just the two of us and they made those sweet baby sounds and then burp them and having them fall asleep on my shoulder in my arms. And even though I was tired, I was sometimes reluctant to even put them back into bed because that was me time. That was a time for me that I loved and enjoyed. There might be other ways for you to find it but it may not be that you can carve out this you huge swathes of time to go and do something just for you, for a while it's going to come back, it's going to happen, it just may not happen today.

So we're going to find ways to find that inner peace and joy throughout the day, in other ways. And so remember that if we're going to make this world a better place, we're going to have to teach our children who they truly are. And we are going to have to help them look at the world and know that they can be the heroes of their story. Yeah, we all have things that we have to overcome. And there are times when they are going to be picked on when they are going to be treated differently for whatever purpose, but they can let that defeat them. Or they can let that make them stronger. But they can be the ones who make things better. And make sure that they have been given all of the tools that they need to finish their purpose. And what I mean is, we all come to earth with a purpose in life based on our personalities based on our talents, based on our abilities. And so to help them find that purpose, and then to help them persevere and finish that purpose in their life is part of our job in giving them the tools to do that, then it's going to be their job to persevere and make sure that happens, because we've given them the help that we can, but they have to make their choices, right. The reality is, God does not expect us to be perfect. He doesn't expect us to get everything right. But he does expect us to keep trying, and to never give up. And so I'm in the Scriptures every day. And the other day I was reading in James, and as I was thinking about perseverance, I thought, Oh, this is a great one. But it's in James chapter five. And it's verse 11. Now I read the King James version, so whatever that fits for you, but it says, Behold, we count them happy, which endure, endure another word for persevere, right. And it says, You've heard of the patient's of job, and have seen the end of the Lord. That means what the Lord did for him, that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy. He is there for us to help us. But He expects us to endure, to persevere. And so those who succeed in life are quite simply those who chose not to give up. And so there you have it. It's the holy grail of parenting, perseverance. And so the next time that life throws you a curveball, just remember, you have what it takes to knock it out of the park. Just keep calm and carry on. I have that T shirt. And never forget that perseverance isn't just a skill, you guys, it's a superpower. And it's a superpower that we can develop for ourselves. And we can help our children to develop as well. And that's what we're going to be talking about in the next three weeks for all four sessions of Imperfect Heroes this month. But before we move along, I want you to remember, go to the website, register for the Parenting Perspective Workshops. And for the Imperfect Heroes Insiders. It's not going to cost you a dime. But what you get in return is absolutely invaluable. And so it's the chance to find those tips and tricks and resources. And it's like a village of support that we all need. So, until next week, let's find joy in parenting. See you guys!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai