Episode 152: Stop the Whining and Manipulation. Persevere!!

Children  0:00  
Imperfect Heroes Podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.

DJ Stutz  0:06  
You're listening to Imperfect Heroes - Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host, DJ Stutz.

Welcome, everybody, we are up to episode 152, if you can believe it, and we're calling this one today, putting it together, everyone benefits when we persevere. So today we're wrapping up our four episodes on perseverance, we're going to be talking about some specific things that you can do. We're going to be kind of revisiting some of the things that we started out talking about in the other episodes. And we're going to just pull it all together, and talk about why everyone does so much better when you persevere. And that includes us as parents. 

So before we get going, I would love to have you remember that the fourth Thursday of every month, I do a Parent Perspectives Workshop. So we have a "parent perspectives" episode that once a month on the podcast, and then I do a live workshop, it's, again, the fourth Thursday of every month, it's at one o'clock mountain time. So that means noon, Pacific, and three, Eastern and then all the in between stuff. And we talk about our theme for the month. And then we also do some group coaching, we share stories, we come up with problem solving ideas, on how to help our families just come together, be stronger, have those relationships that we all want to have with our kiddos. And so that is free. For everyone. It doesn't cost anything, you just have to register so that I know how many people are coming and how to prepare. And so you can register at the website, www.LittleHeartsAcademyUSA.com. And all of this stuff will be there, you just registered once. And then you're going to have access every month to the workshops. Not only that, you are also going to be able to get the replays of those workshops. So if for some reason you can't make that time, I know people are busy, we all have things to do. But if you still want to get that great information, just by registering, you're gonna have access to all of the replays. And so that's kind of fun, too. 

All right, well, let me start out with a little story here, if you don't mind, two young frogs fell into this bucket of milk. And both of them are trying to jump to their freedom. But the sides of the bucket were steep. And there was no foundation. It's just liquid milk Nair. And so there was no hard surface for them to jump on just that liquid. And so seeing no chance of escape in his mind. The first frog soon just became so despaired, and he stopped jumping. And after a while, he sank to the bottom of the bucket, and he drowned. Ooh, sad story, right. But the second frog also saw no real likelihood of success. But he instead never stopped trying. And even though each jumps just seemed to get him nowhere, it seemed it wasn't high enough. He wasn't strong enough. But he kept struggling and kept trying. Well, eventually, his persistent efforts turned the milk into butter. And now the hardest surface of the mill, because it was now butter. He had something to leap on. And he was able to jump out of the bucket. So what's the moral of this story? Those who don't give up and persevere just may be in for a pleasant surprise, don't you think? So let's talk for a little bit about what we've already mentioned in the first three episodes of this series on perseverance. Okay, let's talk about what perseverance means. We talked about that a little before. It's that continued effort to do or achieve something, despite difficulties or failures, or even opposition. But I thought this was really interesting as I was doing some of my research. And according to grad nation.org, the kids that drop out of school, less than 2% said things like they were kicked out or expelled or they had family problems. Just didn't like their teachers. They didn't like the school environment, too. 10% of them dropped out because they got pregnant or had a baby 11.6% was due to drugs. 17.7% said, they dropped out because nobody cared whether they went to school or not that sad, that inclusive teachers by the way, and then 25.9. So one and four, just said they were bored, they were tired of it, they were born. And then 27.6. So a little more than one and four said that they were just failing too many classes. And it was too much to overcome. What if these kids had been able to persevere. So I've worked with kids, teen moms, who were still in high school, and helped with them getting through education and finishing high school, and even many of them going on to college. So I used to work in Aurora, Colorado, at a school and we took in the children of kids, kids with babies as young as three weeks old, so that we could get mommies back in school, they had to prove that they were going to school, couldn't drop off their kid and go party. But they had to show that they were going to school, and all the way through. So I taught the pre K's. I did this for two years, Ben, they had to have either a parent who was in school still, yeah, I had four year olds who had mommies. And or daddies who were still in high school, or they just had a lot of red flags, I guess is the word I would call that showed that they were at risk. And so we were bringing those kids in, there are programs that are out there. But we want to make sure that we have kids who are willing to work and keep at it, even when things get tough, unexpected things happen. And so we have to keep going. But when we keep at it with the boundaries and the routines, and expectations when we as parents keep out that everybody benefits. And so for children, when we have those boundaries, and those routines, and we persevere in staying strong and holding those, our kids know what to expect. And they actually feel more secure. We as parents, and then later on our kids will experience less stress and anxiety, our kids are going to do better in school, they're going to achieve more goals, they're going to have greater confidence. And then they're more likely to stand by their convictions, when they get some peer pressure to do something that they know they shouldn't do. We as parents are going to have stronger relationship with relationships with our kids. But our kids are going to have stronger relationships. As they're young, with their friendships, with their siblings, with adult teachers and coaches, they're also going to continue having those positive and stronger relationships well into their adulthood. And so kids who persevere who have parents who help them persevere, they look at the world more positively. They're less likely to feel like they're the victim, but they see the possibilities with the challenges that they face in life. And honestly, guys, those challenges are important for them to have. They grow through challenges. If everything was easy for them all the time. They would be very weak and spoil brackets. No, anyone like that? Yeah. So there are kids when they are strong in their perseverance, they rebound from adversity way quicker, and more completely than other kids who don't persevere. They have more compassion. Honestly, they have fewer problems like grades, drugs, just being a thug.

sexual promiscuity is down, suicidal ideation way, way, way down. And I could go on and on. But honestly, everything in their life is better. And the reality is, I think one of the key elements to having a happy life, productive life, to be more positive is persevering. It's one of the biggest skills we need as parents to have to enrich the lives of our kiddos. And so much like our kids, when parents persevere. We have better self esteem, we have less stress. We have less anxiety, we have better health, actually, both physical and mental health. We have stronger relationships at home. Also in the work and in the community, with our neighbors with people we go to church with with just the community at large, we are more engaged and more positive. We have more confidence in addressing the challenges that we have in life. We've got some challenges, obviously the world's gone crazy, but we have more confidence in addressing that. But we also have more confidence in it. pressing those challenges that we have with our kiddos, right? We sleep better. There's less arguing, when you persevere and stay strong, there is actually a ton less arguing, your kids are going to help out more. And everyone is better able to see just the joy that comes with life that is there every day. And yes, even on the very hard days, there was joy to be found. So I want to tell you about a couple of kids, three kids. So one is a guy named Bo. Now, Bo is now an adult. He's got three amazing kids, a wonderful wife. But when he was three years old, he's my nephew. And we were out playing football on Thanksgiving Day at the local high school, Cheyenne High School in Las Vegas, and we're out playing football. And here's a little three year old bow. And I don't know what got him going. I have no idea why he started this. But he started running around the track on his own. He had gotten bored playing with this big grownups who never threw the ball to him, right. So he started running around the track. And we started kind of noticing what is both doing. And he went around, he went around once. And then he went around twice. Well, that is a half a mile of running for a little three year old with a great big,

big head. It was so funny. And he's not as hard as he was running. And so his third time around, the football game was over, it became a cheer on bow experience. And so we were running with him, we were cheering him on. And third time he came around. And his dad said, you know, if you go one more run one more time around, that means you ran a whole mile bow. But you don't have to if you don't want to. But if you want to. And he's like, No, I want to go. He kept going. That kid made a fool around four times around the track. And that was a full mile. Well, by the time he ended, there was another family who was kind of on the other end, we weren't playing in zone to end zone, we were playing sideline to sideline. It was just a family game. And so there was another family down there. They'd stop their game started during this little guy on and having so much fun. Well, when talking to boy, I just talked to him recently about that, to see what do you really remember about that event, it's become kind of a big family legend of Bo doing that running when he was so little. And he said, I don't really remember the running. But I do remember that cheering and feeling excited that I got this done. And that's something that he has with him. But he kept going and I'll tell you what, Bo is an amazing dad. He's got his master's, he's an author, some really good books. And he is just doing well. And that drive to push and continue has certainly served him throughout his life. Another one I want to tell you about is about a boy named Roman. And yes, this is the same roman that my book Roman is bigger is based on. So Roman is my grandson, and he is graduating in June, from high school. And he is the salutatory and of his class. And he is also just got awarded the Male Athlete of the Year for his entire school for all of the athletics, all of the sports. So Roman, though he's a great soccer player, and he'll be playing soccer in college. But he also is a golfer, and he would golf with his dad just off and on his dad would give him a putter. And he would go three years old. And he would go out and putt on the green when they got to the green and he dad would let him and so he loved going with his dad and doing that at three years old and 18 holes, sometimes nine holes. Once in awhile, there was a six hole executive course. And he would go and he loved he would never give up and Shiloh would say are you done buddy? Are you ready to stop? You know, it's okay if you get tired. Nope, he wanted to keep going. He wanted to keep going. And so this kiddo, persevered. persevered. So he was the youngest kid on the varsity golf team for his high school when he started with this high school, and he's gone on to other things as well as persevering in his grades and in his education. And so now he's got this bright future because he started out he had a dad both these kids had a dad who would engage them, bring them along and when they're little, they are so excited to be like us. I know it fades as they get older. But when they're little, they want to do that it's a great time to get them started on. Do you want to keep running? I'll run with you. Do you want to keep playing golf, I'll play with you. And as they have that encouragement, and support, and yay, you made it and all of this stuff going on, it affects them. And they want more of that. There's a dopamine that comes in, when they have that experience of achieving a big goal, something hard, and something great, and they get that dopamine hit. And they'll want it again and again. And that's certainly what we want to do. The third is a story. I actually just read about this story. You know, as you're doing research on perseverance, and all of this, there was a kid in Philadelphia, I think it was Philadelphia, who had cancer. And he was in the hospital a lot. And he had these nurses, you know, you get to know the same nurses on the same floor. They're on the pediatric cancer floor, and he just became very close to them. And he noticed at night, it's quiet, and his mom would bring in pizza on every Friday night when he was in the hospital to share with the night shift of the nurses. Well, after he got better, he got out. But he loved these nurses so much. He started doing fundraisers, like lemonade stands and picking up dog poops. What does it pooper scoopers thing or whatever, to earn money so that he could buy pizza for the nurses every Friday night. And he did that for a couple of years, even after he had gotten better for the nurses on the floor where he stayed. Isn't that a great opportunity? Think of a child who experienced homelessness, who was in a homeless shelter. And now does a book drive and clothing drives to donate to that shelter where he was in, that he spent time in and now they've moved on and gotten better. So that when our children are involved in a good cause they feel it. And with our encouragement, these kids do amazing things, even while they're still young. And I know I've talked about it a little bit before. But there's a podcast with her name is Natalie Silverstein you can look up her back there just short 15 minute podcast. But she only interviews teenagers who are involved in good causes are making a difference in the world, in their community, in their neighborhood. And it's an amazing podcast, if you ever want to feel super inspired. Natalie Silverstein is just great at that, I will put a link to her podcast in the shownotes so that you can go and listen, I'm a big fan, if you ever need just to pick me up. I just listened to her podcast. And I always feel better. So here's some things that we can do to build that attitude of perseverance in our kids. So one of the important things is we encourage them, but we don't give them false praise. Don't tell them they did a great job when they didn't, you're gonna say wow, you I see that you did this, this and this. And I'm really glad you did that. How do you think maybe you can do it better or differently and get a different outcome. But don't tell them, you're gonna be a great artist one day or a beautiful singer. And we want to encourage them and keep them going. But don't tell them they're great when they're not. Because then they know when you're lying. And they know why she's saying that I did a terrible job. Right? And so you want them to be able to trust you. And so when you ask them things like, how would you do things differently, that makes them think and move forward and come up with an idea with a plan that they can follow through on when they come to you with an issue or a problem? Start out with maybe I'm curious to see how you're going to work this out? What are some of your ideas on how you think they should go? Don't just jump in and start giving them all of the answers right away. They will often come up with a better answer than you ever dreamed of. Just if you'll give them a chance and you don't jump in with the answer's all the time. Give them that chance to think about it and work through it. Then find a way to monitor progress so that if they have a goal, let's say that they are wanting to do a book drive and they want to have X amount of books, donate to this homeless shelter that takes in children, right? Then you can have a chart or whatever that shows. Okay, we're at 10 bucks. Our goal was 100 And so how are we going to meet the rest of it but they can see that progress that's moving along, and be encouraged by that. And then be realistic on, this is how far I have to go. And then maybe with chores very often with chores, look around and ask get them used to asking, Is it finished? I'm done? Well, let's go in and check if it's really finished. And then have them look and say, What do you think? Or if you have a list of what makes it finished? What makes it a clean bathroom? A clean bedroom? When do I know that the dishes are properly done? Because I've got a list a checklist, and I can check those things off. And then I can ask, Is it finished? Do I look around and I still see clothes on the floor, or toys that are strewn about? Is it really finished, then let's talk about it. But let's be honest with them on what makes a finished project. It's okay to have a break, and come back and work on it later. But we want to make sure that they are continuing on until it is actually finished. And so when you make a goal, and I talked about this a little bit, but develop a plan an actual plan to make that goal happen. So whether it's like money jars to save X amount of money, maybe finding age appropriate jobs that they can do to earn some extra money. And it can be something like that little boy who was picking up dog poops for the neighborhood, walking the neighbor's dog, as they get older mowing the lawn. There are many things that kids can do to earn their own money to get something that they want, whether I don't know it's a new bike or a new lacrosse stick, or a new snowboard, whatever it is, then they can earn that money. Or you can say I will match it. So you get half and I'll get half. And so then when you show the progress chart, you can include what you're adding into so Oh, you've earned $5. All right, then I'm going to put in my $5. So now we can see that you're $10 closer to whatever the goal is that something that they want to buy. But it's really important to have them experience working to earn something to gain something. They can learn a new skill, and help them learn how to

mow a lawn, right? Or how to walk a dog properly. How to make sure you're getting home poops picked up. Or it could be something like a skill, how to make a bed the right way. Yes, there are right ways to make a bet. It doesn't mean that things are just tossed over, you know, you pull up the sheets and some fold over some don't whatever, whatever it is, but make sure that they are doing it properly. Dividing the laundry, I have a video of one of my grandson's. He is six years old now. But when he was three, he was over visiting. And he was helping me divide the laundry, I do whites and colors and darks and towels. That's just all I do. And so he was learning. Is this color is this dark is this white? Is this a towel. And then he is now also getting scientific process skills by doing exactly that, because he's learning to classify what a great thing and be sure you're again monitoring their progress in learning that new skill. So I can see that you remembered this, this and this. And that is awesome. So you just have a couple more things that you need to remember, pretty soon you can have this whole thing down, this is going to be amazing. Talk to them. One of the things that I love, love love doing with kids is growing a garden. And even if you're in an apartment, you can still grow plants by a window on a balcony, on a little patio, whatever it is. But you can grow a garden and growing a garden actually will strengthen family ties, it cultivates teamwork, you have to collaborate to do all of this. And one of the key things is you're gonna have successes and failures. Some blends aren't gonna make it right, and others will and going to start using that scientific process and their learning even more than growing a plant. You can do different types of plants, different strains of tomatoes, or peppers or whatever it is, but let them decide what it is you're going to let them help make the plan on where we're going to put our garden, choose what it is that you want to grow. And then we're going to have to prepare the ground. You can't just throw it in you've got to dig it up until it up or whatever so that the ground is soft enough that the seeds can grow and germinate and then come up And the roots can go down and dig in. So once you've done all of those things you're actually going to plant together, you're going to have to come up with a schedule and maybe rotate on who's going to water the garden. And when is that going to happen? How are we going to weed and make sure that we don't have other plants in there that are pulling the nutrients from the ground and choking the roots of the plants that we do want. And so come up with a plan for that, and how are you going to make that, then it's always fun, we actually get to harvest the food and eat it. But our kids also get to learn like, where their food comes from, it doesn't just come from the grocery store, and the work that it takes to actually create this food that we're going to eat, they get admiration for all the people that are down the line, that help us have food to eat that we do buy at the grocery store. Because it's the farmers and harvesters and the people who process it the people who drive the drugs to bring it to our grocery stores, the people who set it up in the grocery store don't just magically appear, right. And so they can start learning to appreciate how the world works, and where they fit into all of that, you know, but there are other things that you can do that doesn't have to be garden, it could be something like maybe build a tree house or a clubhouse plan to help in a community event and see ways that you can help out there. There's a great website, and I'll put this one in the show notes as well. It's called just serve.org www dot just served.org. And I got turned on to this by a friend of mine, when we were living in Denver, you put in your zip code. And I don't know where it is. I mean, I don't know if it's beyond the United States borders are not probably Canada at least. But anyway. And you can find service projects that are listed just in your neighborhood. And it might be there several different churches, I know that I've done things for different churches, and I may or may not belong to that congregation. But to me, it doesn't matter, people who are working to serve God, props for all of that. And I want to be there to help out them as best I can. So that's a great resource if you're looking for something. Another thing is just notice examples of perseverance that are around you. When you maybe hear a story on the news, or you see a friend or you're at a game or you're at the mall, and you just see something going on with someone who is just working hard. They keep trying, they're working at it. Notice that and talk about it with your kids, and how that affects them. What do you think's going to happen to them when they reach their goal? And can we help somebody reach a goal and help them to persevere and not give up, we don't want our friends to give up on something that is valuable and important. Another thing you can do is come up with a like a family motto or family chair, right we do our things are their little sayings that you know, you get used to just being a part of the and that's how it works. And you have maybe 10 or more just little stains that you say in different situations that are encouraging. And I'm sorry, shake it off is okay. It's okay to say oh, you're fine, shake it off. Let's go to something else and get their attention somewhere else. Let's try again, you almost had at that time, shake it off, you've got it. It's okay to say that just, you know, not uncaring ly, but supporting family, you can do those things. And then we know that when we persevere as parents, we're not going to let our kids wear us down. So when they beg and cajole, and what this, then we don't give in to that. It's gonna go away. It will, I promise it will stop. And so when you see kids and as a teacher, I talked sometimes about the story of a little girl that was getting picked up from kindergarten and she wanted to play on the playground at my classroom, had a window that looked right out onto the kindergarten playground. And dad was like, Oh, honey, I'm late for work, or a meeting. It was a meeting. I'm late for a meeting. And I've got to go and No, no, I want to play and she just wasn't letting go. And we're getting her coat on. And you know, and he's like, sweetie, we've got to go. You're a bad daddy. And she started like attacking him with all of these tactics that she had learned. And that clearly worked for her. So anyway, they walked out and I'm helping other kids. Once everybody was gone. I turned around, I looked out the window and who's playing on the playground? Yeah, that little girl whose dad was now late for a very low what he said was a very important meeting. And so When we don't let our kids wear us down, they're going to learn that tactic doesn't work. And so it will go away. They're still going to try here. And they're like, is this still working? Is this rule still here? Or are they going to let let it go? And man, you let it go once. And it's just like that gambling thing, you know, they don't need to hit every time. If they just hit once in a while. It's worth it. And you're going to have more whining, more anger, more cajoling, all of that is going to go on. But when we calmly and firmly enforce boundaries, I'm not saying you need to yell at their kids and threaten them or whatever. You just say, No, that's not what we're doing. And they can whine all the way to the car, that's fine. Keep whining, but we're moving, we're moving.

You can cry here, or you can cry in the car. But we're not getting the Cocoa Puffs, you can take a long time to pick up your toys, or we can get it done quickly. You don't set a child off on their own to do a job that's bigger than what they can handle. It's another way to and perseverance because they just learn to give up. It's too much. It's too hard. But when you're there and say, Okay, let's divide this up into bite sized pieces, right? Let's pick up everything that's yellow. First, if it's yellow, let's get it put away again. Now we're back into science. And we're classifying and categorizing things. And so then what color should we do next? Now you're there with them, and you're encouraging them. But you're also showing them that one way to persevere is, instead of looking at the whole big thing and being overwhelmed, let's break it up as part of that coming up with a plan and break it up into bite sized pieces. And so you get that payoff, that manipulations and all those things are going to slow way, way, way down. And your kids are going to know that they can trust you. When you say no, that's it. When you say yes, make sure that you follow through on that. And so they learned they can trust you. Even when you're tired. Even if you're not feeling while you've had a bad day, the rules are the same. And they can count on that. I was sitting in church, I think it was just last Sunday. And there was a guy speaking. And he was talking about how when he was a kid growing up, he knew every Sunday, they would be in church, if they were on vacation, they would find a church. And they would go to a church, even though they were on Sunday. And he said it actually brought him peace. It's not that I always wanted to go to church, you know, as a kid or as a teenager, but it was something he knew. This is just what we do. This is how we work as a family. And he found comfort in that in knowing what to expect. These are the expectations. And then we'll go and do something else. That is kind of fun. So here we are. There you have it. It is our final episode on perseverance. 

And next week, we will be starting on Joy... Finding Joy, right. So if you've enjoyed the series on perseverance, please be sure to rate and review five stars is the appropriate number of stars. If you have a question, you can always contact me through the website. And then I'm on both Facebook and Instagram at Imperfect Heroes Podcast. So that's my handle on both of those, you can always post send me a message. And I would love to hear your suggestions and your questions. 

And speaking of that, did you know I'm also offering this no cost, clarity call. It's no cost to you. And it's 50 minutes of just talking and sharing and problem solving and getting some great ideas on things that we can do to help build your family to give you the confidence and the clarity in your head of what is it that I'm trying to manage with my kids and how am I going to get there, and we have a blast. So please feel free to take advantage of that. And again, the link is in the show notes that it's always at www.LittleHeartsAcademyUSA.com. 

And until next week, let's find joy in parenting. Bye guys.

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