Episode 158: The Risks You and Your Child Must Take with Brittany Lindsay

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes Podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA. 

DJ Stutz  0:09  
You're listening to Imperfect Heroes - Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host, DJ Stutz.

Welcome, everybody, and this month, we are talking about taking risks. We as parents take risks all the time. And our children take risks. And sometimes we're like, no, no, no, don't don't, but they really need to. So we're going to be talking about that. I have an amazing guests, Brittany, Lindsay. And Brittany, before we get started, I just want to remind parents that Oh, Roman is Bigger is still available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble. And I know it's also on the Walmart website, you can get it there. And it's about a little boy who has big feelings that is bigger than mad. And he's bigger than happy and bigger than scared, all these fun things. And the fun thing is, we are in the process now of working with the editor and the publisher, on the next episode with Roman. And so that's going to be Roman is a bigger brother, and he gets a new brothers though, you certainly want to get the first in the series, which is this one. And then I'll be letting you know, when the next one is available, but it's gonna be soon. So we're just you know, it takes time to get through all of the editing and the publishing and all that kind of stuff. So all fun stuff. All right, let's get going. Brittany, I'm so excited that we've had a fun conversation. We really connected and we connected a while ago, and you're in Houston, have a daughter in Houston, and with the crazy storms. And yeah, we talk though, about how when we let our kids challenge themselves, sometimes we're like, oh, is he okay? Is she okay? Is that gonna work out? So where do we draw the line? How do we encourage them to take risks? How important is it to let them and then every day we wake up and we climb out of bed? We're taking risks as adults? Right? Driving the car is very risky. Especially in Houston. Anyway, it's just how do we find that balance? And how do you as a mom, so you have a son that has some sensory differences? Why don't you talk a little bit about that. Introduce us to yourself and to your son? And then let's really think about that.

Brittany Lindsay  3:01  
Yeah, well, my name is Brittany, as you said, I'm in my mid 30s, I will not reveal. Newly, newly single mom and my son is six and he is on the spectrum. He is just like Roman, he has very big emotions. He's very passionate. And he also has ADHD and sensory processing disorder SPD. So for me taking a risk was everyday working at his sensory disorder processing disorder. And that entails isn't, he doesn't have the same schedule. I always call it the cookie cutter schedule, as a typical kid would have with the one schools are going to, you know, grandparents houses or friend's houses, it doesn't quite work that it's very unpredictable. So you're taking a risk on not knowing what the risks will be. And at the same time finding the joy of taking that risk, whether it turns out the way you want it to be or not right. And I've really built a huge including yourself involved a huge village from this history's I recently decided to resign from my job, I will say with an asterisk. That's a huge risk. It's worth the risk. But then when bills are due, you're like, Okay, what did I do? But that risk actually helped me to tell to see what my son really needs from me as a parent and then what he is able to teach others from the need we're developing together. And that involves resigning him from school and homeschooling him. That was a risk because I've never done

DJ Stutz  4:52  
yeah. And so I think when we're looking at risks, I think, part of succeeding In is finding the right support system. Okay, I'm going to homeschool. Who do I need around me as I take this risk, oh, I'm going to resign from my EU Sorry, I'm going to resign from my job and take on another whole a whole nother road for me. So what do I need to have in place to make it all work out for me? And what do I need to learn? What do I need to grow? What do I need to do? Right? And then those are the risks that we take as adults. And then for kids, oftentimes, taking a risk is like letting them climb that tree or

Brittany Lindsay  5:38  
the park for me

DJ Stutz  5:41  
to park and you never know. Now, let me just tell you, even if you have a quote unquote, typical child, you still don't know how it's gonna turn out, you know, they may get upset, they may punch a kid or they may get control your child's like, yes. Okay. And so it's hard to know. And, and really, if they're in a situation like that, knowing when to step in giving them the opportunity to try and resolve some kind of a conflict with another child, whether that's a sibling, or a friend or someone they don't even know from the park, when do you step in, because you need to give them that chance to try and work it out themselves. And so all of that is, risk is

Brittany Lindsay  6:33  
a big risk. And then you're risking yourself as in how you're going to respond to it. It's a risk, especially if you haven't had it happen before. I can't so many different types of risks. Listen, I mean, there are risks where I'm confident and I'm able to say, Hey, okay, let's breathe, let's do your counting down. Let's go get a hug. Let's prepare before the risk happened to say, Okay, this happens, we're gonna do this. And then there's times I did all of that on the checklist. And literally, nothing worked. And I'm sitting there crying with him, embarrassed, and we over we were resilient. We recover. I've had one where I'll never forget, a little boy took one of his very favorite toys. After he took his toy will hire he took his toys and a little boy, it's like, okay, well, let me use your door. And my son had a big meltdown, like infant book, roaming. That she has me and the little boy could barely talk. I was like, But you took my toy. And I'm just like, Okay, I'm trying to reset him. It's like, it's okay, you took his toy. And the fact of the matter was, he was sleepy. And that sleep over his cognitive responses. He just was not having it. And I remember just sitting there all parents pausing, and everyone's staring at me, like, like, you can't control your kid. And the little girl in me, a little girl, not even the mom and me, the little girl wants to get up one to the car, zoom out of there and say, See, this is my shin and never did that I shouldn't have never went to the park today, I should have stuck to the same things that we normally do. But I have to work at it. He needs to be around his peers. And he needs to understand even when he's sleepy. Okay, that happened. Let's talk about what happened. So the little girl in me did not run. I sat there and I cry. And I looked at another lady and I go, you know, this is really hard. She was from Honduras. And she goes, You know what I'm saying, Honduras. We have kids like that. But everybody pitches in and I ended up picking up a friend from that risk. And we're still to this day. Nice. Yeah. Oh, her kids and we see each other at the donut shop. She became from that race, I gained a friend. And so it just loves that perseverance to say, Hey, I'm crying. I don't know what I'm doing. But yeah, it's very hard. And she tells me what how it is. And that's how I'm able to build my village from these risks. Right?

DJ Stutz  9:09  
And I love there's so much that you just said, that is just so important and so engaging, because a lot of times we think of risk with negativity, I could get hurt my child could get hurt. Someone could yell at me I could get embarrassed I could lose my job. I could whatever it and we can't Yes, and we concentrate on all of that. But look at the opportunities that come from risk. So what you gained that friend, right, and who what saw that common?

Brittany Lindsay  9:41  
Never she holds him he has her every time we ride our bikes past her house, they're outside we like Hi, are you coming to the park with us and you can't forget that experience but I'm happy the little girl in me did not take over and one from that risk but The mom in me that autism mom was like, No, cry, get it, I don't fake it out, be for real because somebody might be at the swingset watching, and they may have went through this yesterday. And they made an example. So let's put it this up. And then the funny thing is the little boy that he had a meltdown, what they ended up giving me. So they're playing that I don't want to be apart from each other. Don't go Leave me. I'm like, what? Right? Right? He is the one that initiates, I want to bring this and even bring snacks. He's like, Mommy, I have to go put my snacks in my bag, and I gotta bring my snacks to the park. And I'm thinking, okay, but they may not like, but he likes it. And he's on to share. So me as a parent, I have to find the value in those risks. And those risks are helping him to learn how to be in society to be better, and even teaching others how to treat him is to lose comfort. But you gain endurance and an experience and exactly price, the value just so much value in lessons is how I've learned to look at risk. And even like, resigning from my job, that is my, but I saw my son needed me. And it was the best decision I've met, you inspire so many more parents,

DJ Stutz  11:20  
who you know, looking at the whole picture. And yeah, it's scary. It's scary. But it's scary, I think to put yourself out there and be willing to be part of the village for someone else, and letting someone else come in to your village, with all the craziness that's out there. But there are also really sweet, loving, dear people that I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to get to know because I would have never ever, they would not have been in my circle. Otherwise,

Brittany Lindsay  11:56  
it takes vulnerability on both ends, you have to open your heart and explore with grace and then hope that you know vice versa, if they're being vulnerable or open up to say, hey, I need help. And a lot of these parents that I meet that you're referring to, they want to pay a generation forward, they realized what was given or offered to them by no choice is broken. And they don't want to pass on that broken dent to theirs, they want it to be better. Oh, then sometimes you get E for the children realize, hey, I have a different outcome even though my parents are there constantly to see what the reality is here. I want my reality to evolve this to evolve with me as I departure to build my own family. Nation, please.

DJ Stutz  12:53  
It is it is it is. But when our kids see us reaching out to people who might not be in like they don't go to our church or they don't live in our neighborhood or, or they might look different than we do. And I'm talking about even Beyond Skin Color. You know, there may be a radical

Brittany Lindsay  13:14  
haircut, behavior, just even behavior,

DJ Stutz  13:17  
or loudness or Quietness or whatever, when they see us reaching out and not coming to those judgments. They're going to learn to do those things as well. And that's a risk to being willing to put away your judgement is scary, almost.

Brittany Lindsay  13:37  
It's very scary, because you're thinking, Am I crazy? Or, you know, is this a wise idea to go beyond? What is my norm norm of comfort that I know, you know, and I find myself like that now that I'm an autistic mom, because autism was a very understanding. Say I would like to get your kid you know, why would you let this type of kid

DJ Stutz  14:02  
I'm someone control that child.

Brittany Lindsay  14:05  
Be crazy and Alleghany. And it's crazy, because I want to go back on what you said about having your children see you take those risks, having them experience the risks with you. Because then they develop their own handling of risk. And I've seen it with my own child like now studying him just going up to people. You'll politely go watch them. And they he'll be like, Hey, do you want to be my friend? Do you want to play when you play with me right now? And the only way I know you can't Don't talk to that kid. Yeah, let him talk to you. I have to bite my tongue sit back let him and you know a parent and I'll make eye contact or even if the parent doesn't make an eye contact with me. They're just like, you know, he still gets to develop how he wants to handle that risk of going up to a stranger and their child. I want to say, Hey, can you be my friend and play with me? You know, because I want to play with you.

DJ Stutz  15:05  
That is so huge for an autistic child. Yeah. And it's really scary. It's

Brittany Lindsay  15:10  
very scary. What we just met someone from New York and sweetest lady. And two of the children were her grandchildren. One of them were her actual daughter. I know. We both thought they were all three her kids and they were hitting the Chick fil A play pin area. My child don't like loud noises unexpectedly. So he goes up and I'm on my computer, my phone, I'm just getting my notes written, you know, start juicing. And so I turned on, I hear him say, Excuse me. Can you tell your children to quiet down? They're really hurting my ears. And it's making us sad. I was just like, the me and him like, what are you doing? In my mind? I'm like, What are you doing? And she looked at him and she goes, I'm sorry. I'm trying to get them to quiet down, but they are playing. He goes, Okay, so I let him get a moment in and inside. I'm just like, why would he do that? He's never done that. You know, he's very vulnerable. Because he was nonverbal for years. And so now he can talk. He expresses everything and stepping back actually, when we get out of the car. Normally, I'm always blocking so he doesn't go to strangers this time around like, the same day. I'm gonna let him lead the way I'm gonna let him get his spray, get his condiments. Let him carry the tray. And all this inside, I'm yelling like, what? Why I just want to do it as a go wrong, but actually went better than I would have been doing it because he had the people up at the front get followers for his his little YouTube channel. He learned now how to go get his sprite at the counter. He even told some was a guy that was you know, you have like the people that clean and everything that goes under? Yeah, like your stranger. My mommy said, I cannot talk to strangers. So you can't talk to me. Because you're a stranger. I was just like, Okay, that was a big risk. And now I have to explain him. That is true. But you got to hold that in your head. Let that out. And a guy. He's like, exactly. He's like you're teaching them we'll

Speaker 1  17:19  
go talk to me. I'll tell

DJ Stutz  17:22  
ya, it's so funny. That we're standing in line at the store. And I was pregnant with my third. And so Shiloh was almost three. He was almost three. So he's getting a little verbal, right? And we're waiting in line. I'm just so exhausted, you know, big with baby and bottle. And it was summer and and so we're waiting in line. And there was an older lady, a grandma lady, probably my age now. I was waiting behind us. And she's like, Hey, little man, how are you? And he looked up because we taught him stranger danger and all this stuff, right? He looks up at her. He goes. Bug Off lady.

Brittany Lindsay  18:11  
Oh, wow. See?

DJ Stutz  18:13  
I nearly died like I'm so sorry. Hey, Joe. Are

Brittany Lindsay  18:18  
you John, I was just talking about you.

Speaker 1  18:20  
I want to say hello to you a teach you. Okay, you can say

DJ Stutz  18:26  
it's so good to see you, Joe.

Unknown Speaker  18:28  
Hello, mom's teacher.

DJ Stutz  18:30  
Hello. Do you remember me from when we were talking before? Yeah. It's ah, it was fun seeing you. And there we are. There we are. Yeah.

Brittany Lindsay  18:46  
I didn't not create his personality. It's the risk of it all. For sure. I never know what to say. I just brace myself.

DJ Stutz  18:57  
Well, I have this. That happens with typical children as well.

Brittany Lindsay  19:01  
I want to say all parents out there that children don't talk yet and they're losing hope saying I one day he will he ever taught. Get ready. Because when they do know be careful what you wish for. Right? Can you Oh, Joe. Yeah. Take it with you, buddy. I'm telling you, I would dream of him calling that name mom. Hey, my mom, my mom. And then you have mutism out there. And so I wanted the risk. And now here's the risk. I never know what he's gonna say. My son myself. That's

DJ Stutz  19:33  
right. That's right. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. Let's jump back in though but I think it's no no, no, don't be sorry. I love that. It lets our followers know that we are real people and we are raising real kids and we are just making it all work just like they are. And so anyway, yeah, not a problem. Not Do you bring up though that great point of, you know, we talked about Stranger danger and, and trying to find that balance of letting them say things like that bug off lady or your stranger? I'm not supposed to talk to you, and those kinds of things. But I think people in general are very accepting and understanding what you find out those kinds of words coming from a child.

Brittany Lindsay  20:26  
Right? It teaches, can you imagine your son not saying book off lady? If he never said it, you would have thought that was okay to say for. At no more accurately, I look at him as a very valuable lesson. You don't get those lessons and non risking situations you won't. So I find the treasure. And you get to feel and see yourself you're it's almost like, you know, I think of copper. You know, Copper has to go through a process before it's actual copper. Right? And right, if it doesn't go through that process, then it's not really good, valuable copper, we can't enjoy it. So think about ourselves with this risk. If we don't go through the risk, how do we know we're strong, very light, valuable humans to each other to evolve and make the world a better place? Like, how would you know your son is helped what mannerism if you don't take the risk? off our mind? He needs to understand how certain things of social discretion.

DJ Stutz  21:39  
Right, right. And I think as a society, we're at a point where we are eliminating opportunities for many of our kids to take that risk. Literally, as kindergarten teacher, I would be here, you know, you're turning the kids over, your school day is done. And you're turning the kids over to moms, dads, grandmas, older brothers and sisters, all this stuff, right? And I literally would see parents, and it seems like every year I would have at least one parent that would be like, you know, those little bumps that are in the parking lot in between right car things, they're cement. And the kids want to walk along those, like a balance beam, you know, don't jump off at the end, right? And was like, oh, no, no, you could fall, you could get hurt. No, no, no. And when you do that kind of stuff, kids think, Oh, my I'm not capable. I'm not. I'm not strong. For whatever reason, I'm not enough of whatever it is for my parents to think that I am not capable of doing this task. Whether it is something that is physical, whether it is something that is social, educational, how many times do we see parents doing the science project for the kid? And yet that tells the child what you were going to do is not good enough? Yeah.

Brittany Lindsay  23:04  
How can you build their confidence, though? That's exactly question X. A lot of those parents that I meet, yes, I understand your intentions behind. No, I don't want you to fall because that's like, that's 1000s of bill. But then again, they're gonna grow up, and they're gonna make mistakes, and they have to have competence, I find that for me, and my son, his confidence is everything. Because I won't always be here. You know, and even some village won't always be here. One thing you can't take away from a kid is their confidence, that's a choice that they want to let that go or not. So you want them to have confidence, because then when they do take the risk, they're even more resilient to bounce back and learn from it. So

DJ Stutz  23:51  
true. So true. And so then we have people who are afraid of standing up for themselves, right? Sometimes even worse, they're afraid to stand up for someone else. Right. So like, even in my I'm doing a shameless plug in my book room, and it's bigger. There's a part where he's at the park, it's after school, and he sees some friends that are teasing this little girl, you know about her curly hair, and she's crying. And he could have just walked away. He could have just like, ah, you know, because these kids are definitely looking mean or whatever. And but instead he goes up and he's like, Hey, that's not cool. Being mean isn't cool. And then he looks at the little girl and he says, Come with me. We're gonna go play somewhere else. He's removing her from the situation, right? And then his mom was like, Oh, you're so brave. No, he's been brave. So far, look memorized. I

Unknown Speaker  24:55  
know. So

Brittany Lindsay  24:57  
I love that. It's like one of my favorite far, right? Oh, thank

DJ Stutz  25:02  
you. Thank you. So it's just so important that we teach our children that sometimes taking risk. And we're going to talk later on, I think in August, August, we're talking about bravery. But teaching them that sometimes doing the right thing is a risk. And there can be positive and there can be negative repercussions, because you chose to do the right thing, by letting them take risks and feel confident in that. They're going to build that self esteem to say, Yeah, I don't need you. I'm fine. So I love this story. And this was an older child. But when I first started teaching, actually, I thought I was going to do high school. And so I was doing some student teaching and stuff in high school in Las Vegas, again, inner city, high crime. That's what I do. That I saw, but to my kids actually went to that school. And I was walking as after school, and I was walking around getting ready to take some paperwork down to the office. And I could look over, I'm on the second story, and I'm looking out over a balcony, and I could see one of my kids friends. And they hang out with him all the time. And he had no idea I could see him. And he's walking off with some kids that are not okay, kids. They were taggers, they were druggies, they were and everybody knew it. And I can't hear what he's saying he's too far off. But he's very animated, which is kiddo was pretty animated kid. And you can see him talking. Laila, and he's trying to get them. And then all of a sudden, you just see him go, Oh, your shoulders go down, his head goes down. And he turned around and walked away and left that group. Like, he knew, I was trying to get them to not do whatever they were going to do. I know they were gonna get in trouble. But I couldn't talk them out of it. And so I had to walk away. And I saw some of the kids kind of turn around. And like they said something to him. I have no idea what they said. But I was just like, so impressed. So I called his mother.

Brittany Lindsay  27:19  
Hopefully what I just saw, and I get him something. brag, brag, brag break on your voice. You know, that experience just made me think about when I grow up. Let's just be honest, when you're an adult in a workplace, even sometime online, cyber bullying, like I had someone say something so mean, on my channel, and here was the inadvertent risk, risk, not responding, saying, Hmm, I appreciate your gesture, but maybe you should check out this. And thanks for taking the time to express your feelings, even though they were very nice. Yeah, you know,

DJ Stutz  27:59  
I appreciate the fact that you thought I was worth this time.

Brittany Lindsay  28:04  
Makes me feel very special. Because you never know. Yeah, you know, yeah. And I'll get

DJ Stutz  28:10  
that sometimes, too, with because I have a strong stand on instilling values. And I have a strong stand on having boundaries that are real boundaries. They don't depend on I'm not feeling well, today. I had a bad day at work today, I had whatever my favorite show was on it so that the boundaries is the same all the time. And I'll get comments sometimes that are negative. And I'm like, Well, you know, thank you. But what's really fun is when you see someone else step in and say, That's not cool. You don't need to call her that.

Brittany Lindsay  28:44  
Right? Right, that's showing up for the risk, because you're going to show up for the risk and take whatever comes after it, that young men get that, you know, it hurt because of course, it's like man, or when I'm in my comfort zone, trying to stop them, but they're gonna do whatever. And then there's a risk of follow up after.

DJ Stutz  29:05  
And how deep do I want to take this conversation? Right?

Brittany Lindsay  29:08  
You know, I think this is really, really, really important for even not just children like mine on the spectrum, but children that are typical, take these risks, because everybody's so into the phone, and even being into the moment within his generation of it ain't me and I don't see, you know, when Amy and I will see it, you know, or this now, we want to know, I see, even though it's not me, and I'm gonna do some about I'm gonna take the risk and approach it. Even in the workplace. You know, you may lose your job for standing up. I had a lady that worked at a law firm. She was telling me some interesting things. And I told her, I said, You know what you need to follow Dr. Romney. I should give her your information, but it's not about children. So it was more of like the workplace and I'm like, This person is bullying you was a narcissist. So I wasn't directly there. But it was a risk to give her my personal experience. And I haven't heard back from her but last time I talked to her she was like it's working. I stood up for myself, and I let them know. I decision I'm not gonna quit my job. You're not going to get me fired. I'm going to work the way they're supposed to be working here.

DJ Stutz  30:25  
Yeah, well, so much good information. I see Joe's back. Hey, Joe. Again. Hi. I was he calls me Mom's teacher. Yes.

Speaker 1  30:37  
I realize that. But I guess I'm still open yet. But I have x get bus.

DJ Stutz  30:50  
way did you ask Jimmy?

Speaker 1  30:51  
designed this will hold you.

Brittany Lindsay  30:55  
Thank you. You're welcome. Hey, love. Okay. Yeah, I'm featured. Thank you. Mom's teacher. Thank you.

DJ Stutz  31:04  
You're welcome, buddy. Is it good? Does it taste good? Okay, well, and so, so much great information and so much encouragement on just how everyday parents are dealing with risk in their own lives, in their children's lives. And so thank you so much for all this insight. And so, Brittany, though, I know you've got a book out. And I would love for you to tell our followers about it, and how did they get in touch with you?

Brittany Lindsay  31:34  
Yes, so my book that's recently published on Amazon, it's actually called peaceful parenting, maintaining anxiety, as a parent of a child with sensory disorder, and express how, ya know, play high school actually helps children build strong foundation connections in a social environment, and also prepares them for pre academic situation, just general life skills and understanding, okay, I don't understand something, how do I handle it with communicating with my teachers, my peers, and even building confidence and knowing that you learn differently, but you have to first source those skills to the parents and the teachers. And it's a four chapter book, I put my all into in telling different parts of the spectrum how to deal with that. Next is I'm autism parents old tense. So for autistic parents, whether they have a diagnosis or not, or they have children that mostly the younger ages like mine, to go to my pin site, I'll put the link up, if you want to put it below, they can click that

DJ Stutz  32:47  
book, we'll put it in the show notes, and

Brittany Lindsay  32:50  
also have a virtual school camp starting in July. So it's for children that are pre K to first grade, we're doing it all the way up until I think the end of August, we might want it further into September. So this offers virtual camp for children on the spectrum that are starting school, we want to build that social environment, help them approach those sensory disorder issues that they may experience online first, so when I go to school, that's such a shocker because they already have their emotional toolbox ready from their home, online and build those long term relationships.

DJ Stutz  33:31  
That's amazing. What a great resource for parents who have kids on the spectrum. Amazing. Well, thank you, Brittany, so much. Thank you so much for being a part of this and sharing. And so of course, before we go, I have to ask you, the same question I asked everyone else is because we know there are no perfect parents, but how would you describe a successful parent?

Brittany Lindsay  34:00  
I will say take the risk. Take the risk. Take the risks. Don't hide your response to the risks, so to speak. Because we're all learning together, we're we all are in this whether we're veterans like yourself, or we're newbies like me learning we can all make a call it a great recipe meal for life to really relish and enjoy one another's experience.

DJ Stutz  34:32  
And yeah, because really, parenting is a huge risk. And it never ends. You think you think oh, oh, they're out of high school. I have a grandson that just graduated last week. And oh, they're out of high school and my son is like, Oh no, this is done. I'm like, oh, no, no, no. You just started No, no, yeah, just started he's going to college and he's and then they have to get married and then he'll have chill Yeah, no. It doesn't end it doesn't end. But we find joy. Yeah, and all of it, we find joy, even in the hard times. So anyway, thank you so much, Brittany. And we'll talk again and I know you and I will talk again. And so for everyone else until next time, let's find joy in parenting. See ya. Bye!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai