Episode 166: 5 Amazing Strategies to Build Self-Discipline in Your Kiddos

DJ Stutz  0:00  

Hey everyone, my heroes and heroines, I really enjoy having your company today as we work together to make our children's lives richer and productive and full of love and kindness. So as I'm recording this, there's a huge windstorm going on outside. You may hear some little noises here and there. It's just a big windstorm. We're getting like 50 mile an hour winds right now. It's a little crazy, but, you know, that's life.  Okay, before we get really started, I just want to remind everyone, the podcast has been nominated by the Women in Podcasting group for best podcast in parenting, families and children, and I would just love to get your vote. And so I'm gonna have the link in the show notes. It's gonna be right at the top of the show notes, and so you can just click on that, go straight there, give me a vote. It's only one vote per person, and voting ends on October 1. So we've got about a month to get that done. But you know, today's a good day to do it, right? Okay, so this is a new month, and we are talking about a new topic, and this month, the topic is self discipline. And there is so much to teaching self discipline that all so many pieces that have to fit in together with your kiddos and with grown ups too. We need self discipline as well. So I can just kind of touch on it today, and we're going to have three more amazing episodes on this topic. But if you want to know more, I would love to have a conversation with you and just talk about your thoughts and what you're experiencing. If you would like to use my calendar link in the show notes and in the description, just write “family checkup.” And that's what I call my first visits with my followers and listeners. And that is a 50 minute conversation. It's at no cost to you, but it's a chance for us to get to know one another, and then maybe look at a few of the questions that you have and helping us all to move forward in being the parents we want to be and the parents our children deserve. So let's have an explanation, first off of what self discipline means in the context of young children, because adults look at the idea of self discipline not like children do. Children have a different view of that, and it's not pretty much everything, right? Kids have less experience. They're more egocentric. They are looking at things from a physically lower point of view. And so if you really want to see what your kids are seeing. Get down on your knees and get yourself to about the height that your child is, and look around and see what they are seeing. It can be pretty eye opening. Let's first off, talk about understanding self discipline and something called executive functioning. So if you're in an education setting when a teacher is talking or a specialist or whatever is talking about executive functioning, really what they're talking about is self discipline. And what this is, is the ability that allows us as adults and children to make decisions based on outcomes and then understanding the impact of their actions, of our actions on others, whether that is another family member, a pet. My bike got broken because I left it in the driveway and it got run over. We are looking at the impact of that decision on others, people, things, situations and so on. So let's talk about how self discipline actually manifests itself in everyday situations. And so we're talking about things like, are they able to wait in line for a reasonable amount of time following directions? Can I tell you what to do and then have you follow what I told you to do, and then having routines and being able to follow those routines. So when we're talking about following directions a preschool teacher, you know they all have to do assessments, and so do kindergarten and teachers all the way up, one of the things that they're looking at for executive functioning is, can they follow one step directions, two step directions, like, go get your coat and your backpack, or are they at a point where you have to say, Go get your coat, go get your backpack, and we separate that out. And then by the time they're in kindergarten, at least by the end of kindergarten, for sure, they should be able to follow three and four step directions. That's all part of that executive functioning piece that we are talking about, and that's one of the things that you can do as a parent, as you're trying to gauge where your child is in ability. Are they able to move forward with these things and be aware too, that sometimes our kiddos will say, I don't know, I can't do it. I can't do it because they're so used to you as the parent or the teacher swooping in and doing it for them, then all they have to do is say, Oh, I can't. And the reality is, they just don't want to, or they just like maybe being with you, and then so they're using that as an excuse to have further interactions with you, but you want to get to a point where you're going to say, oh, yeah, you got this. You know what to do. And maybe you have to step back and do just a one step direction and go back and give them the confidence to do that, and then say, Okay, I'm going to give you two things to do. Can you do two things? Can you remember all by yourself, and you're living it up, and you're acting excited that, oh, you're about ready to move on and do some more grown up things. And that's going to really help them to understand what it is that they're supposed to do, and understand that as I get older, I am going to be able to do more. Okay, so one of the things that you really want to do as you're working on self discipline is highlight the positive outcomes of self discipline. So they got their coat all by themselves. Oh my gosh. That tells me you're getting to be such a big boy or a big world. You are growing up and it isn't a fun thing to do. Oh, you don't need me. And so now you're highlighting that, or, Wow, you got your teeth brushed on time. I didn't even have to help you. And look at this. Your teeth are all nice and clean. And now we might have time for an extra story at bedtime, because you got it done so quickly. And so we're building up those positive outcomes of self discipline. You know, they're negative outcomes when they don't show self discipline, and they're very impulsive, they reach out and they pull the dog's hair. They don't know why they did it. They just did it. It was there. And so asking them, why did you do that? And it's useless, because they don't have the answer for you. They don't know. And so when they say, I don't know, most often, that's the correct answer for them, they really don't know why they do some of these silly things. It was just impulse and impulse. And so now we can say, Oh, look, now the doggies hurt, your sister's hurt, or the toy is broken, or your friend wanted to go home because you were being mean. You didn't want to share any of your toys. You chose not to play with them, and so now they're going to go home, but I'll bet you next time, you're going to do better. So we always end with a positive moving forward with trust that they are going to do better as they grow, as they get older, all of these things are so important and so fun. So as they do that and they have opportunities to now succeed in doing something by themselves, their self confidence is going to increase quite a bit, and they're going to feel safer, I guess, in wanting to try new things. So a few months ago, we were talking about taking risks, and we talked about physical risks, but we also talked about social and emotional risks, because it's a risk when you love somebody. It's a risk to go up to someone, if you're new in class or whatever, and say, Can I play with you? Or to say, Come play with me to that child that's being left out and they notice he's sitting by himself and no one's playing with him. Come play with me. Those are risks as well.    That it's also connected to self discipline and to being willing to try those new things. And so that's kind of a fun added bonus. As our kids become more disciplined and able to do that they are also, as they become more self disciplined, they grow in their executive functioning skills, they're going to have improved problem solving skills. And we talked about that even when we were talking about kindness, how that helps us problem solving skills. Again, risk taking, when we talked about perseverance back in when was it June, and persevering and continuing to try, that's also connected to self discipline and being willing to keep going even though I didn't succeed on the first try, that's okay. It just means I don't have it yet. And when parents show that kind of an attitude. It's like, Oh, that's okay. I'm so thrilled you tried. I'll bet you next time you're going to do a little bit better. And that practice, practice, practice, increases our ability to gain new skills and to grow in confidence and whatever, kids who have good self discipline have a greater connection to their family values, so they are able to say, we don't do this in our family. We tell the truth in our family, we help others, we finish a job that we have. We are kind. All those things that are family values when they are connected to self discipline to executive functioning. They are going to have a greater connection to those values. They're also going to show a greater level of responsibility and dependability, so that they know that it's their job they might have a chore in the morning. So if you've been listening for a little bit, you know that I have my grandson, our six year old grandson, with us this summer for seven weeks, and when he came to us, he had no clue or inclination to make his bed in the morning. That's something, that's a me thing. I like the beds made in the morning, and I think that it starts your day off with you've accomplished something. You can look and say, Well, I made my bed, and then you're off to a better start. What's fun is, by the time we were four weeks, in about four weeks, he would get up, do a good job of making a queen size bed at six years old. Did a great job at it, without me even telling him. He knew that that was his job. And so he did that. And so he had that connection to being more responsible, and that I could count on him to get that done. And of course, when I'd go in and say, oh my gosh, you made your bed already, I didn't even tell you how awesome is that? Oh, my goodness. Eli, you are growing up. I can't even believe this. I'm so proud of you. How do you feel? How does that make you feel when you make your bed? And he is like, I know I can do it.  He was very proud of himself, and when he went home, he was very proud to show his parents that he knew how to make a bed. Now it was funny. We were FaceTiming about two weeks after he went home, and he went into his room. I'm like, well, Eli, what happened to your room? What, that bed is not made?  Oh, I forgot. And so he's FaceTiming me while he's making the bed, and he's showing me all of the steps that we had taught him, and he felt very proud that he could do it. He goes, my mom's going to be so surprised when she comes in and sees that I made my bed, and he was just very proud of himself that he could do that. So we want to be sure that we're noticing and we're recognizing that they are being and we want to use these words that means you are being responsible. I can count on you to do the right thing, even when I am not there to tell you to do it, you're being dependable. We're using those kinds of words with them. And then kids who have greater self discipline, self control, they also have better social success, and they have a lower level of getting into trouble. Every kid's gonna get in trouble at some point in their life. That's okay. It just happens. I remember teaching, oh gosh, this was probably seven, eight years ago, and I had this little girl in my class who was this super angel, super smart, dreadfully adorable, an engaging personality, and she was so kind to just everyone, and she would notice if someone was sitting by themselves, and they come sit by me. Are you having a hard time? I'll help you. And so she would help them with an assignment in class, and she was just great. Well, one day, she just had a bad day and pulled off something that I wasn't big upset, but it was something that I needed to talk to mom about. And so when mom came to pick her up. I'm like, Okay, I got a story to tell you. And she's like, Oh, really. And I told her what happened, and she said, Actually, I'm kind of happy. I knew this day would come. Now we've got it over with. I can talk. And mom had such a great attitude about it as well. You know, it wasn't, Oh, I'll get right on her whatever. She was like, yeah, she's just been so easy. She's so easy at home, too. And so we'll talk to her and stuff and let her know it's not the end of the world, but we know that she's capable of more. And I said, that's great. And that was the only day that entire school year that I had an issue with this little girl. So much fun, just so adorable. But when they have that ability to look down the road and say, Oh, if I do this, this might happen, whereas I could get into trouble, or someone could get hurt, or my friend is struggling and they might not get the good grade, or they might feel bad about themselves or whatever, so I'm going to go help them, because I know how to do this. It's an interesting thing that happens when they have that. They're able to see that and see how that decision is going to play down the road. Now, when they're little, it may be in the next minute. What's going to happen in the next minute? Well, mom might get mad at me. Okay, well even that's the beginning of executive functioning. But as they get older and they start realizing that years down the road, this decision might come back to haunt them, even when they're teenagers, I always say it's so hard because life changing decisions that they make one stupid decision is and it can really close a bunch of doors, set you on a different path, or put you on a place where you've got to be super determined to turn things around, to make it go. And so teenagers are not known for not being impulsive. They have a little bit of that going on. So it's hard for them sometimes to realize that if I am drinking at this party and I drive home and I get stopped by the police, or worse yet, crash the car, or worse yet, crash into another car someone's hurt, or, God forbid, killed, that one decision changes everything in their lives, and so we want to help them to get started when they're young. It just may be something's going to happen right away, or something might happen by dinner time, something might happen tomorrow. So they got to where they can see further down the line how that decision is going to affect their lives, and, quite honestly, who they marry, how that marriage goes, what kind of job they're able to get, the lives of their children. I just had this conversation with my grandson, who's just heading off to college this year, and how important his decisions are that he's going to be making while he's there. So what we want to do is really discuss with our kids, how these benefits contribute to their lives, and then we as parents are going to understand that conversation needs to be age appropriate, developmentally appropriate, which is not the same thing. Kids don't always develop and grow at the same rate. We know that, in fact, even within the same family, kids are very different from the same Mom and Dad. Dad. Want to make sure that we're having these conversations in a way that these kids can understand what it is you're saying. At first, it's going to be very concrete, and then as they get older, you can move more into some more abstract type of events or moments as we're doing those things, then we're going to help our children come to that understanding of how to make decisions. It's a thing that we really do need to start as early as possible, two years old, three years old, one year old, even. How often do we say, oh, gentle touch. Gentle Touch. We don't want to hurt the baby, we don't want to break our toy. Don't want to hurt the puppy, right? We're talking to them about how gentle touch makes other people feel safe, and then they feel better when the baby isn't screaming because they tried to poke their eye off. So anyway, there we are. So how do we actually begin to start having these discussions? Well, you know, I just mentioned the gentle touch, and those are the beginning. We don't want to hurt the baby. If you hit them, the baby's going to cry and they will be very sad. You may get into trouble. We may explain that, but once the Toddlers Learn that concept of gentle touch, they've actually entered into that gate of self discipline, right? And so we want to really understand that, starting with very small, age appropriate tasks, when my kids were little, grandkids were little, even after they've learned how to walk and stuff, they often want to help take advantage of that, because that's not going to last, and so we want them to help that help you, to load the dishwasher, to put their clothes in the laundry hamper. A one year old can do that, and they love helping or making picking up your toys a game. Oh no, that's a yellow toy. We're only doing the blue toys. They're learning now to categorize items, which is part of science.  And they're also learning to engage with you and how, Oh, look at all our toys are picked up. Our room is beautiful. Thank you for helping me, and they will love doing that. So we want to start with these very small, age appropriate tasks, and then move forward as they grow. So we really want to understand that it's never too late, honestly, to begin teaching self discipline, but I want you to know that the later you start, the harder it's going to be. And also understand that no matter when it is that you start, there's going to be challenges, and that's their job. One of the things that I've said in my parenting classes, I used to teach. I was a parenting facilitator in Clark County, which is where Las Vegas is. And I did parenting classes all over the county there. And one of the things that I told parents is that if you have a child that never challenges you, is always compliant, always understands things right at the beginning and is always nice never gets frustrated. Get them to a mental health professional immediately, because that's really not the way it's meant to be. Children are there to learn by success and failure. Hot stove. Now we're not going to say, Yeah, touch that, see how that goes, but we want to say, oh, no, no, no, no. Or even if they get close enough that they feel the heat without getting burned and say ouch.  And that's even with, uh, like I said, with a one year old. I may not go into a big dissertation about how burning the hot stove is going to burn them, but I mean, as I go "no, no, no," and they're coming to understand that. So when you've got a teenager that has not learned any self discipline, that we haven't enforced that in them very strongly, it's going to be harder. It's possible, it is possible, and it's possible to do it without destroying your relationship, but it's going to be a lot harder, and it's going to take a lot more time, and the consequences become more severe and more permanent. So let's get started as soon as we can. All right, when we're teaching that I talked about soft touch, how do we teach that to our little guys? Well, the reality is, we put our hand on top of their hand and we help them pet the puppy. Oh, nice, nice patty. And see, oh, the puppy likes this. This is wonderful, you know, or whatever, with its touching a baby. We take their hand and we put it on their hand and lead them, help guide them to that we use a very soothing, positive, encouraging voice as we talk to them in these early stages. And then there's that repetitions once again. I know you hear from me all the time, and you're gonna hear it some more pound this home is weekly meetings. Take advantage of opportunities to role play and to practice and to have repetitions on how I can plan ahead. Have a game. Make a game of it. So a four year old, you might have a game where it's kind of like memory, you know how you turn over the cards and they match. You can do that with an action and then a result. And so you might have hit my brother, right? Well, what's the result of that? My brother's mad at me. My mom is mad at me. You know, everyone's unhappy.  And so then you can also take a chance to maybe play a game where you can pull up a card and say, this is something that you can do. When would you do this? When would you trade toys? You have a toy and you're giving it to a friend and they're going to give you a toy that they have you're trading. When would that work for you? You could have those kinds of games and conversations and make it kind of fun and engaging. Please make sure that it's a time when people aren't hot and angry and whatever, and set a specific time same time every week, whether it's in the morning on a Wednesday morning or Saturday afternoon, whatever it is, make it a set time so that they know I can't go do this at this time, because that's when we have our family meetings. And come up with a fun name that works for your family, family meeting that sounds horrific.  So make it something fun. All right, another thing that you're going to need to do to help your child as they are building the self discipline skills is to teach them how important it is to be able to wait. That is a foundational skill that your child is going to need, and they need to be able to have that as they enter kindergarten at the very latest. So how do you practice waiting? Well, you can do things like, as you are waiting in line to check out at the grocery store, and come up with some things about how to wait and engage yourself. So you're looking for icy, something blue. Oh, look at that lady. She's buying whatever it is that's in her car. I wonder what she's going to do with those. What do you think she's going to do with those? Or just noticing different things, but finding a way to engage themselves so that they can wait longer we can do things like counting. Ooh, I wonder how long before it's our turn, shall we count? Yes, and so, you know, they'll count. And when they're really little, they get to 10. Oh, it's 10. We're not there yet. Do you want to count again? Finding some different things when you can set a timer, if you're at home or in the car or whatever you can setting a timer is great. I love timers. Timers are fabulous. Use them in my classroom all the time and they're singing a waiting song. I'm going to give you one right now. I apologize for my singing voice. Please don't hold it against me, but this is a song that I have used with my students. Is this, I am waiting patiently, patiently, patiently. I am waiting patiently for my sister or my mommy or my dinner or my bath time, whatever it is that they're waiting for. You're going to add that in at the end, it really helped out with me. As we were waiting, some of our kids would get their coats on and be ready to go outside quickly while other children were taking more time, they just didn't move as quickly as some other kids or whatever. And so my kids knew, even without me telling them, before very long, they would just start singing that waiting song for my friend, for my teacher, and then we could all be done. And we would sometimes see how many times are we going to sing that song before everyone is ready? Then it became a race, and they loved it when they could get everyone set and ready to go in, like two rounds, one round, and then they would be very proud of themselves. And so there are a lot of strategies that you can do to help your kids wait. Another thing too is if you're out doing a bunch of errands in the afternoon or in the morning, doesn't matter, and you can have a list of these are the things we need to do. And so then you guys can cross, oh, we went and picked up stuff at the cleaners. We crossed that off. What else do we need to do? Oh, we need to go get some groceries. Do you have our grocery list? Because walking in a grocery store is a matter of waiting for from a child's point of view. So when they have something to do and they're crossing off the list, they're being involved or whatever, then they are able to wait better. They're able to see only two more things, and then we're done. And really, if you've got a few things to do, why don't you throw in 10 minutes at the park, stop at the library, whatever it is, add in something that they will enjoy doing as a reward or as a break, if you've got a lot of things going, stick that in the middle so that they have that break and they know there's something fun for them, and then we can go back and finish our list. That's another way of teaching them how to wait.  All right, here's another thing is, and I've talked about this a little bit in other episodes, is just the role of consistent routines in developing self discipline. So, you know, getting ready for bed, that's an easy one. So we know that they've got to and it may not be in this order, everyone has their own schedule, their own routine, but it's going to probably include things like getting your pajamas on or taking a bath, brushing your teeth, brushing out your hair, washing your face. It could be saying prayers, reading a story, singing songs, and you have that whole thing you can list all of the things that you're you do to get ready for bed, and then you make a visual schedule. But I make it so that when they're done with things, whether I'm using magnets or Velcro or moving just from one envelope that's cut in half to the next envelope. So this we need to do, and this one means it's done. And so there's a ton of ways to do it. You can get pictures just online, for those items, for those things. What's better and what's going to engage your child more is when you can take a picture of your child doing those things, then they're really going to like that more, and then you can have fun with like a photo shoot. This is our photo shoot, and we're doing this. How fun is that? So having those and then letting the kids pull them off and they see the progression, and it won't be long before they're able to go through the whole thing by themselves. And isn't that lovely? That's one of the ways that you can start using routines, because they know what's next. And then as you build them up, and it's not going to be one day, they need you to help them through it all. Okay, I showed you. We did it all last week. I know you can do it by yourself. I would not do that unless they're older, but when they're little, I would say, oh, what's the first thing you need to do? Brush my teeth. All right. So can you do that? Or do you need me to help you? I can do it. All right. You go do the brushing your teeth. Let me know when you're done. So then maybe another day or two, you're going to let them do the first two things that are on your routine, that way they're gradually building up an understanding of what to do, what order, whatever. But as we wake up in the morning and we do those things, we come home from school, where do we put our things? What's our strategy with having some outside time to play and homework time? And then do we have sports and practices that we need to get to. Let me caution you against overdoing it with your kids. They need time. They need days when they just come home and they can play and they can get their homework done, and they can have dinner with the family at the table. All of those things are really important, but it's fun for them to have if they're out maybe two nights a week, that's fine, all right? And then, oh, here's a big one. Is modeling our own self discipline. What are our children seeing about self discipline when they watch you? How do you behave because you were tired or because I was angry, and we use that as an excuse? Oh, I shouldn't have said that, but I was angry. So then we've just given our children permission, when they're angry, to behave in negative ways. So we don't want to show them that this is how we behave. How many times have I heard parents say, well, that's a grown up word. Kids can't say that to me, a bad word is a bad word, and I don't care who's saying it. So if you don't want your kids to say it, watch yourself and really set this attitude, that and an understanding that my kids are watching me every minute, and you're on whether you're tired, whether you're not feeling well, whether you've had a bad day, whether you're hungry, whatever it is you're in a rush that sometimes we use that as an excuse for our own poor behavior. But just remember, they're watching, and they're learning. They're pretty amazing, all right? And then we want to make sure that we are offering choices to our kids and offering choices help them practice decision making. And so you can say, well, here's this choice that you can do, and this is what will happen with this choice. Here's another choice that you can do, and this is what will happen with this choice. One of my favorite phrases is, I'm okay either way. So make sure that the choices that you're giving them and the consequences that you're going to have to deal with, because very often those consequences are inconvenient to us. That's why my mom said she would never ground us, because it made her miserable.  "Why would I do that to myself?"  I remember saying that, but making sure that we can follow through on whatever consequences. And two, it's like, yeah, well, you can sit here and cry for as long as you need to. That's fine. Or we can go ahead get this done, and then once homework is done, we can do A, B or C, but if you want to sit here and cry for half an hour. You know, that's fine. I don't care. I'm fine either way. They're going to start backing off because they're not getting the reaction that they're looking for. But we want to reinforce that self discipline through our example, and then be sure to stay just positive, use praise and rewards and just encourage them. I'm not saying money, although maybe it's appropriate to give them a buck for going out and doing some really good yard work or whatever. For my grandson this year, it was getting the crickets out of our garden, tossing them off into the prairie. But if you could do that, then that was it, before I've used picking the yellow flowers off of dandelions, because if you pick those yellow flowers off, and they don't turn into the blow things, they won't spread. So I had a bounty out on dandelions. There are times when you may want to use money, but there are other things that you can use for time with mom, an extra story, five minutes on the screen. I don't know whatever it is that you're going to do, but you really want to balance your reinforcement with that natural development of self discipline to where they will just do it and they don't need a reward to do it. They just know that this is my job. This is what I need to do. So let's just make sure that we want to start implementing these strategies, first off, at the youngest age that we can, which would probably be today. Your kids are never going to get younger and then starting just in small steps and making sure that they're developmentally appropriate. I'd love to hear how this is working for you, and so you can leave a message on Instagram and Facebook, it's imperfect heroes, and you can find me there imperfect heroes podcast, and then I'm also on LinkedIn with DJ Stutz, and we would love to hear how you are teaching self discipline to your kiddos and share some of that, and next week, I have one of my very favorite guests. He is amazing, Jeff Nelligan. He's been on talk shows. He's got books out. He's been written up in several parenting magazines, and we are talking more about developing self discipline with our kids, and he's got some really interesting angles for us that I really hadn't even thought of at first, and so it was amazing. It's a great conversation. So remember to vote the link is in the show notes, and if you want to get a hold you can the links for the website. If you want to book a 50 minute family checkup call with me, that's in the show notes as well. And so till next time, let's find joy in parenting. See you guys.

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