Episode 176: Gratitude and Mental Health: Transforming Parenting Through Positivity with Emily Guarnotta

DJ Stutz  0:14  

You're listening to Imperfect Heroes: Insights into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in An imperfect world, and I'm your host, DJ Stutz.

Hey everyone, so glad to have you back and to be talking about such a fun and important topic. You know, this whole year, we have been concentrating on various values and gifts. Many of them, you'll notice, are the gifts of the Spirit. And among that is gratitude. And so this whole month, we're talking just about gratitude and the effect that it has on us as individuals and us as families and in communities. And so before we get started, though, I just want to remind you, you can always sign up for our newsletter. It's free, but you just go to the website and you will be up to date on just all of the new podcasts. You'll get up to date on my books that I have out. And we also give you little ideas and things that you can do with your family and your kids to help instill and grow these values and attitudes that are going to help them bless the world throughout their lives, and it will bless their own lives as well. And I'll have the link in the show notes down below, so you don't need to really remember just scroll down, click and it's done. And while you're there, please go ahead and give us a five star review. Leave a review. We always love to hear what our listeners are saying and the thoughts and the questions that you have in mind, so we would love to have you do that as well. Well, let's get started. Emily, we had you a little while ago during the summer you were on the show and but I had you come back so that we could talk about gratitude, and that's such a great topic for you. So Emily, just for those who maybe didn't catch the first episode that you were on, why don't you kind of introduce yourself and let everyone know what your life is like? 

Emily Guarnotta  2:37  

Sure, yeah, thank you so much for having me back. My name is Emily gornata, and I'm a psychologist and a maternal mental health specialist, so I work with moms or really families, parents who are having any kind of trouble adjusting to parenthood, whether they're dealing with postpartum depression or anxiety, stress or trauma, and then just struggles further into the years of parenting. So we help support them therapeutically. And I'm also a mom myself. I have two young girls that are three and six, and I'm really excited to be here, because gratitude is my most favorite topic of all time, so I'm thrilled.

DJ Stutz  3:16  

Yeah, it's so connected to our strong mental health. It's connected to the joy that we feel in our lives and understanding how other people bless our lives, how God blesses our lives, how we can look around and find that contentment, I guess, with where we are. And I love the saying where, if someone says, What was your favorite part of life, right? What were your favorite years? And I hope they're always now, you know, and just enjoying where we are currently, instead of wishing off into the future or looking back into the past, we learn from those things, of course, and we have goals and stuff, but take the time to really enjoy today, and gratitude is such a huge part of that. Don't you think? 

Emily Guarnotta:  

I couldn't agree more. I think gratitude is so beneficial as a deeper practice, gratitude is something you can do in any moment of any day, and it'll instantly change your mood. I mean, yeah, so many times throughout the day we get pulled in different directions. We get frustrated in traffic, and then we get an annoying phone call, and then, you know, just these things that make us feel frustrated and irritated throughout our day, and if you re center and you say to yourself, What am I grateful for right now, you instantly feel different, like it's the most powerful thing, and it's something that's free, that's available to all of us, that you can do in any moment. So I think it's something that really.  Need to use and take advantage of.

DJ Stutz:

Right.  And as we're building that attitude and that habit, really, gratitude is a habit also, and being in that state of mind, as we work to build that, we can also help our children work to build that as well, and the younger we can instill that in them, looking around and seeing all the blessings that we have in our lives, the more deeply ingrained it's going to be in their psyche and who they are, and so it'll make life, I think, so much more easy when they get older as they go through the teen years are hard, and young adulthood is hard, and becoming a parent and what am I going to do with my life and all those are can be difficult, but that burden is lightened by the blessing of gratitude. 

Emily Guarnotta  5:59  

And I think we really have a responsibility to model that for our children. When they see us taking these moments to be grateful, even when things aren't going exactly as planned, but they see us taking that pause and re centering and practicing gratitude, they're learning so much from witnessing that behavior.

DJ Stutz  6:19  

Yeah, for sure, and it's been a while since I've talked about this episode, but I had a time in my life where everything just seemed to be going wrong. Everything was hard, everything was just kind of a problem. And I was trying to figure out, you know, my education. I was trying to figure out raising kids. I was trying to figure out my whole marriage thing, and I felt like we weren't really connecting the way that I wanted to connect in our marriage and stuff. And I had a friend tell me, because I really didn't feel like I had anyone I could really talk to and share those things with. And so she was saying, write it down. Write it in a journal. Write all of your negative feelings, like all the things that are going on that'll help you process. Okay, so I bought a journal and started writing, and the more I spent writing about the hard times, the hard emotions, it seemed like that's where my mind was concentrating. I know it works well for some other people, but for me, it did not. It made me deeper into that negativity. And so at one point, I ripped all those pages out and burned them, and then I just started writing only every day I wanted to write something lovely that happened, whether I saw God's hand or something one of my kids did, or a neighbor or one of my siblings, whatever, something that brought me joy that day. And I did that for a while, and it was helping. It was actually helping. And then at one point, though, I just had one of those really terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days, right? And I remember sitting at night, I'm at the table in the kitchen, thinking, I have nothing to write. There's no I don't have anything to write for today. And this feeling and emotion, I call it, the spirit, came to me and was saying, How dare you? How dare you say that you have a roof over your head, you have running water, your kids are healthy, your husband's faithful, and one, you know, like you've got all of these great things that are going on, and for you to say, I don't have anything. And I thought, point taken and so, and I realized that sometimes it doesn't need to be oh so and so is so, so sweet to me today. Oh, this happened, you know, wonderfully, and at the grocery store, and I got it extra deal or whatever. But to just show gratitude for I have a roof over my head. I have a toilet that works, you know, and to really look at, I have a car that gets me to a job that I love doing, and really looking at even the very basic things that you can be grateful for. And for me, I think that's a key, is seeing some of those. I have a bed that is nice and comfortable. I've got clothes. I've probably got more clothes. I definitely have more clothes than I need. But, you know, I love clothes, so all of these things, I have so much food that little junkie there. And so I don't have to worry about food right now. I don't have to worry about staying warm when it's really cold, or, you know, it's a windy day here where I'm living right now, and and I've got this wonderful home that I can go in and be out of the elements in finding those very basic, basic things to be grateful for, I think opens our eyes even more.

Emily Guarnotta  9:51  

Absolutely, I love to play this game of how small can I get with my gratitude. So I'll be like brushing my teeth in the morning, and I'll think to myself, you know, I'm so grateful for the running water. I'm so grateful that I've always had access to dental care. I'm so grateful for this, like, just, how small, how detailed can I get? And it's like this feeling of just, I don't even know what it is, it's just, it's like pleasure, contentment, appreciation, just kind of comes over you when you really think about these things and like, not not just say them, but also feel them, that's very right, letting that feeling in and sitting with it for a second and letting it kind of simmer. It's such a beautiful thing when you give yourself the space to do that exactly.

DJ Stutz  10:37  

That is so so true. And it's funny how it seems like there's always new things being developed or invented or whatever that cause our lives to be better. I mean, when I was a young child, and there's all these kids in my house and there's no microwave, and I remember that my mom, our dishwasher broke down, and my mom went for like, a year and a half before they saved enough money to get a new dishwasher. Yet, I have never had that experience. I've always had this dishwasher that I can count on, and then even things I look at some of the products that are available for young moms when you have a little baby, right? That were not available when I had my kids, and it's like, Oh, I wish I had that. That's so cool. And so really paying attention to how much better even your life is than your parents were when they were raising you, and all of the things that you have available to you that maybe you take for granted, but your parents never had access to we're always finding ways to improve our lives and engaging with that.

Emily Guarnotta  11:50  

Absolutely.  And this is something you can do when you're waiting in line at the grocery store or when you're stuck in traffic. You just go inside your head and you think about these things and sit with them for a minute and let the feelings pour over you.

DJ Stutz  12:06  

And even with you bringing up the grocery store. I mean, when you compare our grocery stores to what is available in other countries, it's amazing. Remember what our grocery stores were like during COVID and what they are now, and what a fun thing to do with your kids when you're busy driving a long distance or even a short distance but or waiting in line at the grocery store or whatever it is, but when you just have to kill some time and there's nothing much to do, why not play that gratitude game? 

Emily Guarnotta  12:40  

Yeah, it's so good for them to see that. And I think gratitude comes a bit more natural for some people, and some of us have to work a little bit harder at it. And often you'll see with younger kids that it's not always as instinctual as we would like it to be. So we do have to, kind of like, teach them how to practice this, and we need to always be constantly checking in with ourselves and making sure that we're making it a part of our lives too, because it doesn't always happen so naturally like you, you do kind of have to work at it. 

DJ Stutz  13:11  

Right.  I can remember one time I went to a church activity, and there was a family that came in, and they have had a child severely disabled, right? And communication was a huge endeavor to just try to figure out what he was trying to say and what he was trying to ask for. And I came home from that and to children who were arguing and fighting at that moment. What hit me was, at least they're healthy enough to argue and fight. Yeah, you know, they're healthy enough to yell at each other, and it's very clear what you are mad at. So I think sometimes even during the hard times, it's like, well, at least they're healthy enough to argue, at least they're healthy enough to run around and make a ton of noise, and then you can deal with it, but finding gratitude in some of those basic moments of life.

Emily Guarnotta  14:14  

Yeah, I was just as you're talking, I'm just thinking of something. I think with children, we have to be really careful of not labeling them as ungrateful, because I think that makes them feel like it's who they are. But gratitude is really something like you said, it's a habit. It's something that we learn, we practice, we adopt over time. There's so many times where I've heard children kind of say that, or or parents say that to their children that they're ungrateful, and you know, they're being ungrateful in that moment, but they're not ungrateful people. There's a big difference.

DJ Stutz  14:49  

And I think if we keep in our mind yet, you know that this is something they're learning, and this is something honestly that we as adults do. We're learning there's so many things that we take for granted that we don't appreciate. We get angry with our spouse far too easily. We get angry in traffic far too easily. Oh, who was it? Can't remember who it was, but there was some comedian that was on a talk show and talking about how people were upset because he was on an airplane and the Wi Fi wasn't working on the plane, and people were like, getting really nasty and angry about the Wi Fi isn't working and all this, you are sitting in a chair 35,000 feet up in the air, and you are not like, whoa. This is amazing that I have this opportunity and whatever, and I'm gonna get mad because I can't get on that stupid social media and just put my mind into oblivion, or kind of like a neutral zone, you know. But instead, just like, look at the people around you and have a conversation, and you are 35,000 feet in the air, sitting in a chair, moving at what 600 miles an hour. And instead of it taking you months to pull a ox cart or whatever across the country to get to the Oregon gold or whatever, that you can do that in a matter of hours, hours, and it would have taken months, and people died and all this. And I, of course, he was very funny in the way he was doing it, but the thought of that is, how many times do we as adults take so many things for granted, and we are not grateful. And so you bring up such a great point in that, yeah, maybe they're not. And if you feel like your children aren't grateful, look inward first and say, What am I doing? Then that can teach them, or what am I not doing that's not teaching them. Why is it that they're not feeling grateful for what they have? And so I think, yeah, by really looking at yourself and the example you're setting and then recognizing, oh, they just need some more instruction. Oh, we just need to practice a little more. Oh, we need to, instead of getting mad at the kids, it's like learning to walk. We don't get mad when they fall.

Emily Guarnotta  17:26  

Right exactly. 

DJ Stutz  17:28  

Oh, it's okay. It's okay. Come on. And, you know, and sometimes we'll leave and come back to it later, and but we don't give up trying to teach them that, and we don't get mad at them for their efforts that don't quite make it same thing with gratitude, same thing with pretty much everything we're trying to teach our kids.

Emily Guarnotta  17:46  

Yeah, and we need to give ourselves that same grace too. Because, I mean, we all fall prey to getting frustrated on the airplane when the WiFi is not working, or whatever, you know, whatever similar situation. But we need to recognize when we have a lapse in our judgment like that, and then auto correct for the future and try to adopt more of that attitude of gratitude.

DJ Stutz  18:09  

Yeah, yeah. And I wonder too, even if you're saying when your kids are around you, I'm feeling really frustrated or I'm really angry right now, and then verbalize. I need to find something to be grateful for, right? Or even if you're stuck in traffic and it's a big thing, Oh, I hope it's not an accident. I hope everybody's okay and your children hear you verbalizing that, yeah, it's frustrating that we're stuck here, but I hope that it's just construction and everyone's okay, and so all of those things are a great example to set. But I think sometimes, instead of thinking it, verbalizing it, having it come out of your mouth, instills it more deeply into you.

Emily Guarnotta  18:55  

I agree, and I think what you said about writing down your gratitude too, I have a gratitude list in the Notes app on my phone where I have a couple things that I just always know that if I express gratitude for them, they'll instantly make me feel better. So I keep that always handy. And then another thing that that I do is every morning, I say at least three things that I'm thankful for as I'm getting out of bed and walking into the bathroom, and that just kind of sets me on a good ground for the rest of the day, and then during the day, if I hit a period where I'm feeling irritated or frustrated, I'll do another kind of three gratitude checklist in my mind to kind of help like me out of it.

DJ Stutz  19:39  

That is such a good idea. And I love that. In fact, it reminds me, oh, gosh, this was a couple years ago. I was coaching a family, and they had two younger kids, I think they were like, four and six, something like that. And the mom came downstairs in the morning, and the two of them were like, I. Are, you know, like they are in the morning and and the boy said to the mom, I hate my sister. I'm so tired of her. And so I talked to mom and said, Well, what if, when those things happen, you talk about the things that you love about whichever sibling is being on the receiving end, because they all take turns it being talked to like that and say, oh, you know what, though, I love the way that she she laughs. That's one of the things I love about sister. And I love the way that she helped you with blah, blah, blah, and I love the way that and so she's like, Oh, well, I'll try it. I don't know if it's gonna work well. And sure enough, that, like, within a couple days, same scenario, it's in the morning, they're trying to get everything ready to go to school. And she came down, and the sun was railing on the sister and saying, I hate her. I can't stand her. And she started saying, oh, you know what? I love this and this, and I am grateful for this and this about your sister, and went on, and then after a while, he was like, oh yeah. And you know what? And she did this and this and positive, like he started joining in with this love fest kind of thing, of the things that they were grateful for about sister. So instead of railing on him for being negative, she just took that positive attitude. So, well, I love this about sister. I love that about sister. And so sister gets this positive feeling of, Oh, Mommy likes this and this about me. But then when brother kicked in as well, the whole thing just turned around and she said that after they did that probably three or four times, it all stopped in the morning, all that I hate and that arguing just stopped. It ended. And one time she came down and the son was saying, Mom, do you know what I love about sister?  Just out of the blue. So that started becoming like a family thing with them in being positive rather than negative. About, yeah, everybody has things that are hard. And instead of saying, Well, you always do this, and start calling him out on the negative things he does, joining in and making this more positive, more gratitude filled, really changed things for their morning routine,

Emily Guarnotta  22:27  

That's a great way to model and coach your children in gratitude. I love that. And it's also very important to show gratitude towards your spouse or your partner, if you're married in a relationship, and for your kids to see you expressing that as well, especially when your kids are young. I mean, it's so it's so easy to kind of get lost in just the stress of raising children, and to kind of forget about those things that you appreciate about your spouse or partners. So trying to acknowledge at least one thing a day that you appreciate and are grateful for about them is really important for that relationship, and really all relationships in general, you know, whether it's with your parent, with your own sibling, with your boss, whoever it is, to make sure that you're showing gratitude in those relationships, such a good point.

DJ Stutz  23:13  

I love the way that you brought that up, because I really feel like one of the most important and fruitful gifts that you can give your children is a strong marriage for them to grow up in and letting them see, yeah, mom and dad can disagree, but we do it with kindness in a way. You know, I may be disagreeing or upset with something, but I'm not going to call names, I'm not going to slam doors, I'm not going to whatever, and then for them to see when dad or mom comes home, there's a kiss and a hug. And then that's there for the kids too. Where are my babies? I've missed you all. Bae, and then saying things like, you know, I picked such a good dad for you. You are so lucky. And letting them hear those things that, and really, I feel like so much goes on with how they look at the world when they're in a relationship that's like that, when that's the tone that's around. I was just reading a thing on the history of Ronald Reagan, of all things. I know, how remote is that? But I didn't know this, and I was impressed. He wrote a love note to Nancy every day, really every day she got a love note from him, a little love note. The only day he missed was the day he was shot. Yeah, it's a good excuse. That's a good excuse, but the very next day, here's the day after he got shot, he still had a little love note to her, thanks for being there for me, and every day she got that. And I thought, what a tender thing to do, and you're taking the time to hand write that out and to have some fun with it. I remember when we were younger, and I would do things like, I put sticky notes on the steering wheel of the car with love you, or have a great day, or whatever. So he'd find it when he would go to drive to work. And then I started trying to get creative on different unexpected places for him to find these notes. One time I put it on the underside of the toilet lid,

Emily Guarnotta  25:26  

Oh my gosh. And so when he lifted it up, there was this note,

DJ Stutz  25:31  

And he thought I was crazy, but we but it's something we laughed about. You know, it was unexpected and goofy and something to do, and that's something that we can do with our children as well, and encourage our children to do for each other.

Emily Guarnotta  25:47  

Absolutely. Yeah, oh my, that's such a funny story. I love that you and your husband kind of turned it into a game, too, yeah, expressing gratitude and appreciation. Yeah. I think it's just, it's so important, even if it's a text, you know, by today's modern standards, maybe it's your set. You send your spouse a text every morning saying, Thank you, I love you. Have a great day. I definitely try to make it a point to always thank my husband when he does something, and to have my kids witness that. So thank you for helping with dinner, thank you for doing the laundry, thank you for picking up my prescription from the pharmacy, whatever it is. I think it's important for them to see that, because sometimes these things just become routine chores, or we just expect that our partners are going to do these things, but it and even if they should have done it, or it's part of the expectation. It means so much to just say thank you and to show that appreciation. So I really think that it's something just try to be really conscious of how you can be more grateful in your relationships, because those relationships will really benefit from that. 

DJ Stutz  26:52  

Oh so much. And I think you brought up such a great point in saying that even if it is something that they are expected to do, to say thank you. Anyway, I mean, if I work hard on making a favorite meal or something, and it's nice to have someone say, Wow, thanks for doing that. Or if I did the laundry and someone's shirt was ready, thanks, Mom. I really appreciate that. This is my favorite shirt, and I'm so glad it's ready, or my uniform, or whatever it is, to hear Thank you really meant something to me as I was raising the kids. So if it meant something to me, why wouldn't it mean something to our kids and to our spouse? 

Emily Guarnotta  27:35  

And yeah, and just from my kids hearing my husband, you know, thank me for making dinner every day. Now they're getting a little bit older, but my six year old will now say thank you. Unprompted, she'll just, just from witnessing him always say that. She started saying that on her own. So you plant the seeds and you said before that, maybe they're not grateful yet. So we need to give time for that to develop. But they will, if that is what you're showing them, they will start to tap into that and exhibit that same gratitude out towards you and towards other people, yeah.

DJ Stutz  28:10  

And I think again, going back to making it a game, so maybe one day we choose Johnny, right? And so around the table, everyone goes around thinking of something they like about Johnny and whether it's his haircut or his smile or something that he did, but we keep going around until we can't think of any more things, right? Or we could do that with taking different kids. So to oh, this round is Johnny, and the next round is Susie and the next round is Max and whatever. And so they're hearing because kids love hearing things about themselves, and they can become a little egocentric if that's all they're doing is on the receiving end of all of this positive thing. But when we can express that and encourage them to then reflect that and return it to, oh, I feel so loved whatever. But Susie, I love you because da ta da ta da, and Mommy, I love you because da ta da ta da and some of those things that they can show gratitude for. And again, making it a fun family thing, one of the things that I've recently developed with, I developed this for a family that I'm coaching, but I think I'm going to put it together to make it more available and put it on the website, but I call it joy germs. And actually, back when we were talking about joy in June, you know, as I was developing things for that, I started thinking about that. I've worked it with a family that I'm coaching, but it's a little sticky like those little round stickers. You can get a billion for $1 you know, and they can be all different colors, and you can let the kids color on them, or write joy on them, or whatever. But when someone gives you joy, you. Can put that sticker on them, or you can put it on the wall and have a sticker thing. And it's not who gets the most stickers, though. We talk about, oh, you got two stickers. What did you get those for? Who did you give joy to today? Who did you do this or that for and letting them see and receive? Oh, I made someone feel good today. And then on the giving end, then they're recognizing that someone did something kind. And so it's a win on both sides,

Emily Guarnotta 30:31  

Yes, yeah, you're teaching them to understand and express gratitude towards other people too, as well as to take it in, there's got to be a give and take. 

DJ Stutz  30:40  

It has to be a give and take. Has to be both ways, so that they're receiving expressions of gratitude and they are giving expressions of gratitude. Yeah, so much fun. So much fun. Well, Emily, why don't you talk to us a little bit about what you've got going on and how everyone can connect with you and get in touch with you.

Emily Guarnotta 31:02  

Sure. So I have a therapy practice called Phoenix health, where we work with particularly new parents that are just struggling with the adjustment to parenthood in any way, who are dealing with postpartum or stress related to having a new baby. And we offer individual therapy online on a secure video platform. And you can find us at www dot join Phoenix health.com

DJ Stutz  31:28  

I love that. Of course, we're going to have that link in the show notes, and so everyone could just go down and click on it and get in touch with Emily and her business and how they reach out, what? And because this is such a tender time, you look forward to being a mom or a dad, and the baby comes and you're so in love with the baby, but yet, there's hormonal issues, there's emotional issues, exhaustion issues, and then what am I going to do with this little person? Now I'm totally responsible for their life is literally in your hands. And so what a great service you offer. I really love that. And so before we go though, and I know you answered this back in what was it? June? Anyway, July?  Let's talk again about what do you think makes a successful parent. 

Emily Guarnotta  32:25  

Oh, so many things. Honestly, I can't remember my answer from the last time, but I'm sure whatever answer I can tell somewhere along those lines. But an important feature for me is being able to recognize when I've made a mistake or when I've unintentionally hurt my kids feelings in some way, or just done something in the heat of the moment, maybe got a little snippy because I was frustrated being able to recognize when I when I do that, and own up to it, it's responsibility, and try to make amends for it. To me, that's so important, because I think we all make mistakes. We can't try to be perfect, but we can take responsibility, acknowledge it, and try to do differently, and really put in the effort to try to do differently. So I would say that that would be my definition. 

DJ Stutz  33:15  

i love that. I love that because you're recognizing that perfection is not achievable, we can still work toward being better and recognizing that we all make mistakes and we're all imperfect heroes Exactly, exactly. So everyone will you please remember to just give us a rating and a review. Go ahead and contact me. You can always get me on Facebook and Instagram, and I just love hearing from everyone, and hearing your ideas and your stories and your questions are also important to us. So I look forward to connecting, and until next time, let's find joy in parenting. See you guys, thank you so much for sticking around to the end of today's episode of imperfect heroes. Parenting is truly one of the most rewarding journeys we can take. But let's face it, it can be incredibly challenging, and sometimes we make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be. The good news is that with a little bit of work up front, there are practical steps you can take to bring more peace and joy into your family life. I am passionate to share these strategies and insights with you. If you're ready to step on the path to joyful, effective parenting, I invite you to schedule a family checkup. Just click on the calendar link in the show notes below. Schedule a time that works perfectly for you, and let's work together to create a more harmonious and happy environment. And remember every small step that you take today makes a big difference. So thank you again for joining us, and until next time, let's find joy in parenting. You.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai