Episode 178: Raising Grateful Kids: Insights from E.A. Maynard on Intentional Fatherhood

DJ Stutz  00:14You're listening to Imperfect Heroes: Insights into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world, and I'm your host, DJ Stutz. 
Hey everyone, thank you for joining us here at Imperfect Heroes and choosing to spend the next few minutes with us as we talk about fathers and gratitude and what's that connection there. But before we get started, of course, Christmas is coming up, I have something that might work for you. It's this amazing book, Roman is Bigger he has bigger emotions. So he's bigger than happy, he's bigger than sad, he is bigger than silly, all of these fun things, and he's looking for vocabulary. But also has even, ever the teacher, a lesson plan for teachers to use in their classroom. It also has a parent page that gives you ideas on how to build vocabulary in your kiddo. So what a great Christmas present for kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews, even for your teacher to keep in her classroom or his classroom. I always enjoyed having good books so you can get it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble. Walmart's website even has it.  All the links are in the show notes. Click there and you'll be glad you did. All right, let's get going on our show for today. My guest today is Eric Maynard, and he is really involved in the father movement, and dad's being involved. Eric, why don't you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about what's going on for you.
 Eric Maynard  02:05
I appreciate that DJ, thank you for having me on. And you know, the dad movement has become such an interesting place as a whole with parents, with dads and a whole trying to find where our footing is, with the world kind of pushing us out or trying to make it seem like fathers are not really that important. And like you and I are talking a little bit, there's a gentleman that my Call with Dad show is going to be talking with that does a thing called the father effect, where he talks about the effects that fathers have when they're missing on the kids, and what we do with Call with Dads, the podcast that I'm a co-host of, and we try to discuss the topics that matter to dads, the things that show dads how to be better. We discuss all different areas, and we try to bring it into a realistic view that's going to help dads be able to raise their kids better in today's world, there's so much out there to kind of make it hard for dads to be dads, to teach their dads how to be masculine, how to be there. And I'm not saying you have to be going to the gym every day to be masculine, but not doing some of the trendy things that are going on the, I'll admit, gentle parenting is one of my biggest pet peeves in the also the let's be your kids friends, which I've ranted on quite a few of call with dad's episodes about that. But gentle parenting does have a few minor areas I will agree with, in the sense of, you do need to listen to what your kids are saying. You don't need to just jump to conclusions or what so have you. And because of things like that, we've also started working on bringing out a thing called Homessor. H O, M, E, S, S O, R, and Homessor is a homeschooling platform allowing parents to get more involved in teaching and finding classes suited for their kids. I'm a homeschooling dad who lives in Northern Virginia, right outside of DC, and I'll tell you, between working full time, raising with my wife, my son and my younger daughter, and also homeschooling my son right now, the one thing I've discovered is that, two things really. One is dads don't have the recognition in homeschooling that we should, and it's also hard to find, wherever you are, good qualified homeschooling programs, either online, either in person, whatever to be, and we're trying to change that. There's people all over the world that we're talking with to have them do online, live courses, as well as encouraging people to come on and offer their in person courses. If it's gardening, music, art, dance, whatever it is. And the great thing about Homessor, is you don't pay a dime to register unless you're advertising on it through our directory. Other than that, you can register for a class, put in your coursework, any live class you do, you can put on there the tests that you want to have people do. So it mixes both technology and classical type of education with being a person, great. And the one thing that I found is with homeschooling. And the reason that homeschooling is so important to us now is that it allows, for an example, my son, he is so grateful to be able to go out and enjoy nature. One of his homework assignments he just filled for Thanksgiving is to write three things that you're thankful for and why. And he listed family and nature as two of his top, because he has a gratefulness to or gratitude towards being able to enjoy family time and be able to be out in nature and learn, not just sit behind a desk. And that's what we're trying to bring, is gratitude in that sense that education doesn't have to be a slog. It's, I mean, think about when I know when I went to school back in the 90s, it was just, I hated school. I think the last time I enjoyed school was Elementary School in the 80s, and that was short lived. Then after that, education just became horrible. You had to sit behind a desk. The only time you enjoyed it was when you got to hang out with your friends, either at lunch study hall or whatever break you got outside of class. Yeah. Maybe depends on how athletic you are. Yeah, my hand, true, my hand eye coordination has never been that great.
 DJ Stutz  06:48
Well, okay, so I love that you brought in that your son shows gratitude in being able to go outside and the opportunities that your homeschooling is bringing to him. Kids, though they don't do that on their own. You are helping to instill that in him. And so what are some of the things that you've done as a dad to help him understand how lucky he is and your daughter as well, how lucky they are to whatever, we have food on the table. Your mom and dad are together. We live in a beautiful area of the world, right? We have clothes on our back. We don't have to worry about that. You've got a warm coat for the winter, and some kids don't. And so what are some of the things that you're doing as a dad to help them come to those recognitions and then feel that gratitude? 
 Eric Maynard  07:39
For me, a big thing is, I take in account of a lot of the things that I've talked with, people on Call with Dads and got insights. Because one is a community of Dad's going to help you understand a lot of things better. And the one big thing I found in my world is that I cut as much tablet, phone.  We like, we eliminate phones completely from the kids so they don't really get to play on our phones, and we have tablets, and the tablets are meant like they get some video time. Now, don't get me wrong, I've had to break down and here watch this while I'm cooking this so you don't burn yourself, you know that, yeah, but we obviously, with us, focus on home serve. We are definitely pro technology because we see the benefit of it. My son even does Chinese classes from a teacher in China on every Saturday through a tablet. He does his math class because I'm horrible about teaching math through internet service with other kids that are online. So we believe in technology, so don't think, Oh, well, get rid of it completely. But like the cartoons, if we have cartoons on, it's on the big TV, and the volume’s just loud enough they can hear it, but they're running around and playing. They're not sitting there focused, and it's not like it's an all day event. It's okay. Dinner time's over. TV can be on. They give maybe an hour, two hours in the evenings. My son, he gets tablet time for researching different topics that he wants. So I believe eliminating technology to where it's being useful and not being used, if that makes sense. So cutting back on how much technology the kids are taking in and letting them explore nature, letting them see the world for what it is, talking to them, reading books, just having conversations and realizing, yourself that I'm happy that I have a good family. I'm happy that we have a house.  Showing my kids what I'm happy about and showing them love and showing them these things gratitude will come naturally from there, because I don't have to sit there and say, You should be thankful for this. I don't have to say things like that. It's not something you. Have to say, but it's something you have to show.
 DJ Stutz  10:02
You bring up a really good point there in that you don't have to beat it. You need to be grateful for this. You should be grateful for that. But like you said, so beautifully, I am so grateful for I think we're so lucky, even things like you have the best mom in the world, I picked such a good mom for you, and then mom saying the same things about dad are very important, but that also helps them see the unity of the family, the strength of the marriage, and so they don't have to lie awake at night and be worried if dad's coming home or if whatever's going on. But I love that you said, when you show gratitude and you're talking about it, just how lucky. I'm so glad. I love what we have this. I love that we went here. And how lucky are we that we get to live close enough that we can go to the Smithsonian so we can, I mean, you've got some crazy awesome museums and art opportunities that are there that are not available in a lot of other parts of the world. And so that's key, I think, in you talking about it and saying, I'm grateful, I'm happy I have the best two kids in the world, or whatever it is, but showing that. 
Eric Maynard  11:16
Absolutely, and here's the big thing that a lot of people think when they first become parents, the first thing they think is, I have to do this. I have to do this. I'm gonna show them this. I'm a, you know, the big thing that you're always going to mess up. There's no question and heroes, exactly. And the fact is, is, I'll admit, there is no way close that I am perfect in any means. And I know I mess up. I even tell my son I remember a day that I was running on three hours of sleep because my daughter didn't sleep. Well, I had a whole bunch of stuff going on, and by the end of the day, working all day, dealing with what I had going on, and then just being exhausted. By that time, I'm putting on my boots. And I told my son, I'm like, bear with daddy. I don't mean to be cranky, but I am running on little sleep little man. And he just comes up and gives me a big hug and says it's okay. And so I couldn't help but to smile and be happy about it. And he saw I was smiling, so then he sat down and put his shoes on. And you know, I didn't have to tell him how happy or grateful I was that he did, that he could see he knew, hey, Dad's not having a good day. I want him to have me as his hero, but I also want him to realize that there are things that I'm not perfect at. I've shown hey, I can figure this out. I might not have the answer, but I can figure it out. Let's use what we have to do. So bringing those tools, letting them see what we can do because we are able to do it. He might not realize, hey, I'm grateful for this or that or what to have you, but later on, he will sit there and realize, well, I'm very happy to have this, or I'm glad I'm able to do this. I love doing these, and these are the things that they pick up on. They don't pick up on you sitting there saying every day you should be thankful that you have this. All they're going to remember is, wow, my dad or my mom just constantly yelled at me about stupid stuff,
 DJ Stutz  13:19
Yes, but I think there's a difference in saying you should be thankful for this, or saying, aren't we lucky you have three different pairs of shoes you can choose from? Which one do you want? Just a little teeny comment like that? Aren't we lucky that this happened, or that we have this? And it's not beating them in.  It's not a lecture. It's just small, teeny comments that are made throughout their day, throughout their lives, and they pick up on those big time, right?
 Eric Maynard  13:47
And usually when you started at like, my kids age, my daughter is going to be turning three soon. My son is six, so they're still at that cute, fun, trying to beat up daddy all the time, kind of stage. But my daughter is coming closer and closer to what's referred to as the age reason, where she's able to understand more as she's getting older, she's understanding more and more and more. So the words you use, you have to be very specific, simple words with her so that she can pick it up. But my son at five, six and beyond, they're at that stage that they understand everything you're saying. Unless you're trying to use big words, then you're going to have to explain the big words, but general words that we use in everyday conversation. If you talk to them and explain things and say it's a nice day out. We're lucky. Let's go out and go have some fun. If you use words like that, the things that you use those words for, or if you're religious, whatever your religion is, let's pray to God and thank Him for dinner. Let's do this. Those are things that we’ll let them think about. The blessings, the things that we're lucky to have, and should be, excuse me, sorry, the cat just jumped up on my lap. But the thing, the things that we're lucky to have, like, obviously, the family has three cats. My son has a collection of creatures. Because of it being a big nature person, he's very into having creatures, and he's even said that he's very thankful for that. So building that gratitude up and like for me, for an example, I'm very lucky, very happy that I have the opportunity to learn from other dads the way I do, because that gives me extra knowledge, because, again, like imperfect heroes, being able to listen to what other parents, other people have to say, helps us understand what we can do to be better. And for me, one of the big things I've always said is we need to be better so they can be better. I've said that I can't count how many times at this point, and it's a mantra in my head that I say because I work harder to be able to provide a better life for my kids, but also so they see that I'm working to be better. And I've told my son, he's asked me, Why do I need to learn to write? Well, you need to learn to write so you can write better than I do. Well, why? Because I was lefty. I was not very well taught how to write, because most lefties at the time I was growing up, was at the end where they would smack your hands for writing with your left hand. So him being a lefty, I don't want his handwriting starting to actually look better than mine. And the fact is, is I want him to be able to do things better. I want him to read better than me. I want him to learn better. I want him to be able to outshine me in every way he possibly can. The one thing I've said before is the effect that fathers do have. You can obviously tell the difference. For an example, is that my biological father was very I did this always, anything you did, he had to tell you how much better he did it. My stepdad, on the other hand, every time I went to do something, he's like, really. So explain to me how you're going to do it. Okay, well, I'm gonna do this and this, this, all right. Well, do you think it's gonna work? Do you think you're gonna get in trouble? Do you think you can get away with it? Things like that? And 
DJ Stutz: great questions. 
Eric Maynard:  So he would sit and talk to me about the subject, and he would even say, you know, when I was younger, this is something I did. He might not want to do it this way, because I really didn't do it very well. And there's things like, we've had conversations with my stepdad and I always joke about how he's told me about the girls never to date because they're too crazy. And of course, I didn't very much so, but I didn't listen to him because he also said but they did tend to be fun at times, so you learn things, but I've had a great experience living off a lot of the advice that he gave me, and one thing I've made a comment, or I've made it more than once, is just because you're not a biological dad, doesn't mean you're not a dad. My step dad was more of a dad to me because he helped me grow. He helped me see how to be a better man, not just I need to outdo people. I need to be this. I need to be stiff jawed or stiff upper lip and what so have you. And I'm thankful very much because his influence is helping me be a better dad now, and being able to have the opportunity I'm never going to be as outgoing as my stepdad was. I mean, he had friends galore, and I'm pretty much a Let's talk. It's good to talk with you, but I need my time, and there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you know your benefits, your strengths and be able to use your strengths and be able to manage your weaknesses or the downside, say your personality brings your kids will be able to do amazing things. And the big thing is, is don't try to outdo your kids. I believe that we should be wanting to our kids to outdo us, because I think a lot of parents are not a lot, but there's a good amount of parents out there that are very focused, and it's a movement I'm seeing that bothers me, where, well, my kids are doing this. So I don't need to deal with them anymore. No, I want my kids to come and go, dad, guess what? I did this better than you did. I see this that or, Dad, you wrote three books. I wrote four. I'll be like, cool. How's your selling? Wow, they're doing better than mine. Sold. Congratulations. Yeah, things like that. Yeah. I want them to do those things so...
 DJ Stutz  19:42
All the way up, all the way up from the time they're little and all the way up. Some of the things that you brought up, though, are, I think, really important that even going back to when we first started talking, when you talked about dads trying to be their kid's best friend, friends are there? Age, they go and hang out, they do things. It doesn't mean just because you're not your child's friend doesn't mean you don't have a fabulous relationship, but it's different than that of a friend, and so you can have this loving, great, super connected relationship. That means that you're a great parent, right? Right? And that's wonderful to be the parent. And I think people get that confused. Sometimes they think that, oh, we go fishing together, or we do this together, or that together. I don't know football fans, whatever it is that you do together, right? And that's wonderful, but you do that as father and son, father and daughter as a family, but you're not the friends that they hang out with. And so I think people get confused with those terms. So that's something. And then too, you mentioned being that harsh. You know, these are the rules. This is whatever you can still have very strong boundaries without yelling and screaming about it. And you know, it's just like, yeah, no, we're not doing that. Here's some other things that you can do that fit in our values, in our family motto, or whatever it is, in our faith. But this is just something we don't do. You don't need to scream and yell about it. You're just like, nope, not doing that. Now they may need to scream and yell about it, and it's like, Yep, I can see you're mad and upset. That's fine. You can yell and cry as long as you want. When you're done, we'll talk or we'll figure something else out. We'll think of something new to do, but you still have those boundaries without being that overbearing drill sergeant kind of dad, right? If that makes sense to you? Am I resonating with you?
 Eric Maynard  21:40
It does. There's a friend of my show that we talk to every now and then, on and off the show, and his show is, um, Dad with Mics.  Great guy, Remy. Is, I enjoy every time I get a chance to talk to him and listening to his show. But in a conversation that we had with him, we discussed spanking for an example, which is a big topic in the world. And he said that he's never spanked his kids. And I've told him, that's fantastic. He's asked me, he goes, you follow a traditional parenting style. You talk to your kids, you have boundaries, you have rules, you don't let them do whatever they want. People seem to think when you say traditional parenting, you're going to instantly have to spank your kid. And the fact is, is, that's not the case. The case is, is, I admire the people that say they've never spanked their kids, because not every kid is able to do that, not every parent is able to do that. And if you can raise your kids properly without spanking, then good for you, but I've also seen the people that say they've never raised their kids and their kids are thrown tantrums because they're not getting the last french fry, or you didn't buy them the Happy Meal with that toy that they wanted because they got a different toy. So there's a difference between saying I never spanked my kid and your kid having been grateful because you took the time to teach them. You don't give them tablets and all this, and you spend your time letting them see how to be a good person, versus, well, I don't spank my kid, but when they throw a fit, I give them the tablet and let them watch the TV. Or my kid does this, and that. The thing about it is you have to learn what the best route for you and your family is to be able to handle it. Yeah, I sometimes do have to yell at my kids. Stop doing that. Don't sit on your sister. I mean, I mean the simple things that you expect to be what they are. It's part of life. But on the same note, as a whole, parents have to gravitate to what's working with them. You're not going to have to yell at your kids every time by saying, Stop doing that if they don't listen. Because as you're parenting, as you're growing, you're going to realize there's different things here and there that's going to work and not work. My son, yeah, much, much more bullheaded. He gets a lot of that from my wife and I, because we're both very stubborn headed. My daughter has an attitude. So a lot of times it's an interesting variation, but we found that we have to address it in the right way, and different kids take different methods, and that drill sergeant method rarely works, but a lot of people feel no. Lot of people feel that that's how you have to be. 
 DJ Stutz  24:30
And I'll tell you when I stopped spanking. So my second son, my second child, first son, Shiloh, and he is about three, and he did something. He was always into something. He was one of those little guys, you know, and I spanked him, and he looked up at me, folded his arms in front of him, and said, That didn't hurt. And I thought, Oh my gosh. Wait. First off, that's ineffective. I'm being ineffective. But secondly, he was thinking, my goal was to hurt him, not to teach him. And so that really did some thinking in my mind, and whether it's yelling or spanking, the more you do it, the less effective it is. Like my husband, he's the youngest of nine, and I'm the oldest of seven. We have 70 nieces and nephews and so well, he was an uncle at three, so they're not all cute little nieces and nephews, you know. But yes, anyway, it's just family. It's just all wonderful family. But it was funny. I was sitting two of his sisters came a couple of months ago just to spend a couple days and visit with us, and they got talking about their dad and how each one of them had a story about the one time in their whole lives that they were spanked by dad, and each one of them was only was spanked once by dad, and every one of them the reason was they'd been rude to their mom, but that one spanking. He's got siblings in their 80s, like, right, you know. And these two were, no, one was in her 80s. One was in her 70s. So here they are, that old, and my husband and that one spanking of their whole life really did leave a message with them, because it was so rare, you know, right? And so there's always that. And then do when I have people say, Well, I have to yell because my kids won't listen to me. No, you have to yell because you always yell, right? We're gonna help you with that too. So if you want it to be rare, or you want them to really pay attention, like if they're running out into the street. Well, Mom always else why? You know whatever, or if you rarely yell, and now you're saying, Stop there. Oh, you're gonna hurt your sister or whatever, and it's that same thing. Then they're like, Oh, wait. Or, he whatever, doesn't usually talk like that. So that's something new and different. So there's always that, you know, one of the things that I was always grateful for in my marriage, so we have five kids, and Russ, my husband, he is the self independent, I'll fix everything. I'm not hiring anybody, kind of guy. So when he was working on plumbing. The boys were there helping, and sometimes the girls too, but just depending on who was around and what was going on, or, you know, fixing the car. I've got these great pictures of them. We were living in  Vegas. It was the summer, and our kids all, they shared one car. They  had to work out, this is your car. It was a 74 VW bug that had no air conditioning. But I've got this lovely picture that I love of Russ and then our younger son, Christian, and they're out in the garage working on this VW Bug they named Victor, and they're just sweating. They're just like, covered in sweat, but they're out working  together on that and spending that time. And does it take longer when you have your kids coming in and helping? Yeah, it takes longer. It may not be done to your standard. Can always go back later if you need to, but it's that relationship thing and that learning that I am capable, I can fix, I can fix a clogged sink, I can fix the brakes on my car. I can do whatever. Then you're building up that self esteem and that attitude of I can I am capable, I'm independent. I don't need people to come rescue me every time. And so dads have that magic and moms do too, but it's different when it's that dad stuff and it's different when it's the mom stuff. We each have our own role, and they're different, and it's important that they're different, because if everything was the same, not everything would get done.
 Eric Maynard  29:00
Right.  Absolutely. 
 DJ Stutz  29:01
So we're grateful mom's really good at this, and dad's really good at that, and so it covers a broader base of our family needs.
 Eric Maynard  29:12
And that's very true that because of mothers, fathers, the whole family role brings in a very different dynamic of how things are done when, depending on who's operating, kind of like my wife, the kids don't fear her. And I hate to use the word fear, but it is what it is. They don't fear her in the same way as if I say stop it. And it's like one thing you mentioned yelling all the time, but you don't have to yell a lot of it's also, if you learn the tone, I guess is a way of doing it, because a strong tone versus the average tone. So I can literally look at my kids and say, stop that. And with a little gruff in my voice, done. They stop it. Is what it is. We move on. Yeah. Yes, or if I say stop that, or you're going to get in trouble, and they learn that tone of voice will teach them the difference. . So,
 DJ Stutz  30:07
Absolutely.  Yeah.  Well, I'll tell you, even when I was teaching kindergarten, I would actually get quieter, because it's a teaching technique. And one year, the class was just part of the class was listening. It was time to come to the carpet, you know, for kindergarten story time. And some of the kids were listening, and some of the kids were off doing their thing, and I just started whispering, and we started doing a little quiet thing, and all of a sudden, one of the little girls said, Guys to the kids who weren't coming yet, guys, she's really, really quiet. That means she's really, really mad. You better get over here. You know you're right. It's all about like, tone and what they're used to, and they come to understand. So we're coming up on time. I'm so sorry, but we are like, I could talk to you forever. I just so respect the role of dads, and they are so important in the lives of our children. They really, truly are. And you were lucky in that you had even a stepdad that came in and was such a great influence on you. We adopted our youngest daughter, and after we adopted a friend of ours, gave us this beautiful picture of Joseph and bait and young Jesus. He's just out with his young Jesus. And said something about how adopted dads are so key. And it was just a sweet sentiment about us adopting the little girl and then comparing Rus to Joseph and his adoption, you know, the Son of God. So just very interesting, fun things.  So Eric, why don't you tell us more about how our followers can get in touch with you and learn more about your podcast.
 Eric Maynard  31:50
So here's the easy way about it. CallwithDads.com. Is where everything we have is listed, our YouTube, our rumble, our audio, everything's there. I've been really slacking on getting articles out this and that, but a lot of that's because we've been working on home sir.com so that's H O M, E, S, S O R, which, as soon as I figure out this last little irritating problem, it'll be going live for everybody. So hopefully mid December, if not sooner, we'll be out there with home sir as well, but CallwithDads.com. Is where you can sign up for our newsletter. You can listen to the shows and listen to what other dads have to say, and you can also contact us. We just got a new guy on that joined our group called Tom, whose experiences is working to be a better husband, be a better man so that you can have a better family. We have the original co-host that I have Pancakes with Your Dad, which is all about traditions and starting traditions to be able to bring that. And he's all about making pancakes, and him and I started with just basically posting pictures teasing each other about the pancakes we make so but the fact is, we are easy to reach out to, and we're very easy to talk with. If you have any questions, you can listen to the shows, watch the YouTube or rumble channel, and we're easy to find anything you need. Call with dads.com. Is the best way to go. 
 DJ Stutz  33:19
Sounds great. So before we go, I always ask my guests the same question, and that is, we know there are no perfect parents, but some parents do seem to be more successful than others. How would you describe a successful parent?
 Eric Maynard  33:34
Presence, being present, being there and not being on your phone while you're there, paying attention. Just because you're there in the room doesn't mean you're present, simply playing with your kids, listening to them, let them tell you a story that you're halfway lost because it's gone five different ways in the five minutes they've been talking and asking them questions being there in the sense that they know you care enough to want to understand what they're saying. I mean your job success that works one thing. Success in social life outside is another thing, but the most powerful part of being a successful dad is being there for your kids, being able to let them know that you're there, and kids, they'll know. Dad might punish me, but he's also going to be there to protect me. He's going to be there to listen to me. He's going to be there, and that is what I find brings a successful dad, and all else is just tools that we use to achieve that.
 DJ Stutz  34:41
Sounds fantastic. Eric, thank you so much for being part of our show and for being part of this very special month as we finish up with gratitude. And so for everyone else, next month, we're going to be talking about spirituality and bringing spirituality into your home , I thought was a pretty good topic for December. So join us then and until next week, let's find joy in parenting. See you guys.  Thank you so much for sticking around to the end of today's episode of imperfect heroes. Parenting is truly one of the most rewarding journeys we can take. But let's face it, it can be incredibly challenging, and sometimes we make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be. The good news is that with a little bit of work up front, there are practical steps you can take to bring more peace and joy into your family life. I am passionate to share these strategies and insights with you. If you're ready to step on the paths of joyful, effective parenting, I invite you to schedule a family checkup. Just click on the calendar link in the show notes below. Schedule a time that works perfectly for you, and let's work together to create a more harmonious and happy environment. And remember, every small step that you take today makes a big difference. So thank you again for joining us, and until next time, let's find joy in parenting. 

Transcribed by https://otter.ai