Episode 184: Directing Moral Development in Your Kiddos? Begin Here.

DJ Stutz  00:14

You're listening to Imperfect Heroes: Insights into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world, and I'm your host, DJ Stutz. Hey everyone, it's so nice to have you back for another episode of Imperfect Heroes:, Insights into Parenting, and I'm DJ Stutz, and I am so excited to be kicking off a brand new year. This is season five of the show. Can you believe it? Five seasons of diving deep into the joys and challenges and growth that come with parenting young children. And this year, our underlying theme is moral development, and we will be covering a wide variety of topics related to these important early years of a child's life. But we're also going to be looking at how these topics tie into building a strong moral foundation. So whether you're navigating the toddler years or guiding a curious kindergartner, understanding how kids develop a sense of right and wrong is essential for raising compassionate, responsible and ethical adults. So stick around, because we'll explore the stages of moral development. We're going to have practical strategies to foster empathy and integrity and then how to model those values that you want your kids to embrace. So let's jump in. What is moral development that starts with the basics. When we talk about moral development, essentially, we are talking about the process by which children learn to differentiate between right and wrong, they develop empathy for others, and they also are building their own value system. So Jean Piaget, he is a well renowned child psychologist, and in fact, when you're studying early childhood, I studied him all through college. He's one of the key players in the development of how we understand kids and how they work. And he broke moral development into two stages, and he called the first one the heterononymous morality. And I got that out right on the first try. And this is typical for children up to the ages of about 10. And at this stage, kids are seeing rules as they're fixed and unchangeable, and they tend to focus on consequences rather than intentions. Now you might say, Oh, wait, my kids are always pushing those rules. They do not see the rules as fixed and unmovable. But the truth is, if they're pushing on that, they don't really believe that's a rule. They believe that's something different. A rule is something that is constant and unchanging. So when your kids are pushing you, your little guys are pushing you on something that might be a little insight, it's like, oh, they don't think this is a rule. They think that I am flexible on this. So maybe process that a little bit. And then there's also beyond age 10. It's something called autonomous morality, and these are for older children and teens, and honestly, a lot of adults who are beginning to understand that rules are created by people and can be adjusted based on the context and the fairness of what's going on around us, right? We have different societies, different opportunities, different cultures, and so we understand that rules can be adjusted based on some of those things. And of course, we can't talk about moral development without mentioning Lawrence Colbert. Now he took Piaget's work, and then he introduced six stages of moral reasoning, and then he grouped those stages into the three levels. And so his levels are pre conventional, conventional and post conventional. Little boring, I know, but the only stage that applies to our group of kids, the zero to eight club, is the pre conventional morality. And so the others though that conventional morality and post conventional morality actually develop in adolescence and early. Childhood. And so during these early childhood years, our children are developing a sense of obedience, I know it doesn't seem like it at times, and then they're also developing a sense of punishment, and then that individualism and exchange. So how does this fit with me as an individual, and then how does this exchange with different situations and different locations, things like that? So stick with me, and we'll get into the details of this in just a few minutes. But first, let's talk about even why this matters for parents, because understanding where your child is developmentally can help you tailor your guidance and your discipline strategies. So a three year old who's just learning about sharing will approach fairness very differently than an eight year old who's now starting to grapple with the concepts of justice. So how does this play out in real life? We could talk all we want, right? Oh, experts. What are they? They probably never had kids. I don't even know, but let's look at it in real life and what's going on. So in those early years, babies and toddlers aren't born with a moral compass, but they do have the building blocks for one so, for instance, they are hard wired for empathy, even in a newborn nursery, when one baby cries, another baby is going to cry as well. They will cry, mirroring the emotions of what is around them; the other babies that are around them. You know, when we teach math, we don't start with calculus. Oh, thank heavens. I would have died. But we do start with this is two and this is three. We don't even start with two plus two. We start with the concept of what is two, what is three. And then there's the written number of two. There may be two blocks, that represents two. There is the numeral two. There's so many ways to symbolize what that is. Think of that. That's really complex for a little guy when you start thinking about it. And so there's actually a flow chart for all learning. And so often, we tend to move forward or jump steps before our children have learned those basic concepts. And when we do that, we are creating gaps in their learning. Now this is true for math, for science, for reading, for writing, how to form letters, there is a process that they can follow that will lead them. And we do know that, because kids develop at different levels, right? You might have a three year old that can read, I've seen it. We have some kids that don't get it until six or seven. I've seen that too. All of that is within the normal range, so we have to really kind of focus on that process, rather than the age, if that makes sense to you, and so by two, kids might begin to show the first signs of understanding, fairness and empathy. Of course, this could happen maybe a little later on, but remember, even as a newborn, they are mirroring emotions that are around them. So take a minute and think about what that means in that first year of life, if they are in a home that is loving and kind and happy, and there's kind happy music that's going on and and there's not screaming and yelling and anger and throwing things, they will mirror the emotions of what is going on around them, and that starts the early development, that foundational stuff that's in there for their moral development, their emotional development, their social development, all of that comes into play that even first year of life. So now, once they become a toddler, they might offer their favorite stuffed animal to a friend who's crying right now, these moments, while they are fleeting, are the seeds of moral understanding, and so it is important to recognize and to honestly celebrate these sweet moments when they do happen, but you don't have to go overboard or throw a big party, but be really specific when you're talking with them. So instead of a good job or way to go, let them know what it was that was so terrific, and it should be something more, like I saw you sharing with Johnny, that was such a great choice. Or I saw you helping Susie when she was crying, and that was very kind. Okay. So you can see how we're being more specific, and they're understanding, but it was, that was such a big deal, that was such a wonderful thing. And so while we talk. Talk about how children at this age see rules as fixed and absolute, and it does kind of sound harsh sometimes, but it is actually important to their development, and so when the rules vary, they are confusing to our little guys, and instead of seeing that there might be extenuating circumstances, they then become confused and will believe that the rules and boundaries really aren't rules and boundaries, because if they were rules and boundaries, they would be fixed and absolute. So children actually really do feel safer and more in control when the rules are the rules, and so the time for understanding extenuating circumstances will indeed come. They'll come down the line, but that has to happen after they have developed further and they further on that timeline, that list of that we go down to teach. So remember that moral thinking does not always translate into moral behavior. And boy, I'll bet some of you are saying, sister, you got that right. So there's often a disconnect between knowing the right thing to do and then actually doing the right thing. And I think we all want our kids to have the desire and the courage to translate that knowledge into action, but remember that the foundation of rules I can count on is key, and at this time, this early time, when we're talking about toddlers, preschoolers around there, they are focused on I follow the rules so I don't get into trouble. That's their main motivation, that is it, that it's probably their only motivation, honestly. And then, as kids enter the preschool years, so now we're talking about three, four around there, they are going to start internalizing their roles and their expectation, expectations. There it is. But this is the key. Their sense of morality is very self centered. So a preschooler might think, if I don't get caught, it's okay, and this is normal. This is part of that pre conventional level that Colbert was describing. And so what can parents do during this stage, when they're developing all of these attitudes and thought processes? Well, I've got a couple of tips for you. Well, more than a couple, but not too many. So number one is really think about being developmentally appropriate. So I've already mentioned that kids develop at different rates, and I'm sure if you have more than one child, you've seen it in your own life, if you teach or if you've taught at Sunday school or run a Cub Scout Troop, or whatever, you've seen that happen. And so it's really important to pay more attention to where they are on that developmental scale, rather than their age. And so when experts are talking about typical expectations for an age group, they are talking in big generalities. And so we understand that some kiddos are going to develop physically or verbally first, and then maybe expand out to some other areas. Some children are naturally very tender, and we've seen that, or maybe they're more rule oriented. I've got a grandson that is very rule oriented and and even when he's on his own, he's not going to break a rule because that gives him safety, that helps him know what's coming next. I've got a niece who has a daughter, same age as my grandson, and she's the same way as well. And so that's something to really think about. Other kids are going to be maybe more athletic or more verbal, or maybe more sulky, maybe more down and negative. So it's very important to understand each child's personality and zone of confidence as you work with them in developing morally or honestly in any other area. It's the same with math. It's the same with everything else. So what are the things we want to do? Number Two my tips is we know that kids learn more from what you do than what you say. I think it's, I can't hear what you say because your actions are screaming at me. Have you heard that? For example, if you want them to be honest, show honesty by admitting your own mistakes and then making amends. Never ask them to keep secrets, if we want them to learn to own up to their own behaviors. Imagine the message you are sending them when you have them help to cover up your own and when they are younger, maybe younger than five or six, they really aren't able to differentiate that we keep a birthday present or a family surprise from. Out and out lie that doesn't translate to them yet, and so don't put them in that situation until they are developmentally ready. Don't tell them what we got daddy for Father's Day or what we got brother for his birthday. Don't tell them that if you want it to be a surprise, because either they're gonna understand that they are not being honest and in a lie, or they're going to spill the beans, which is the second is actually probably more hopeful, as we're looking to teach morality, so that's kind of a fun thing to think of, and then to use clear and consistent consequences. So at this stage, kids really are learning cause and effect. For example, if your child just grabs a toy from a friend, a real life consequence might be, they get hit in the head with another toy, or a physical tussle may ensue. A logical consequence might be, they have to give the toy back. They have to say they're sorry. And it's also important during incidents like this to review what they could do instead, so maybe help them to share or trade or find something else to play with. And now, if they are upset and screaming and crying, you know, having them total meltdown. I love meltdowns, by the way, that's on another episode. This is not the time to try and be logical with them and tell them you could do this, you could do that, because they're just totally upset. I didn't get what I want. I got hit by my friend. I got the toy taken away from me after I obtained it lawfully in their mind, right? Because grabbing it from another friend now it's mine. I got it lawfully. It is mine, right? And so they're just too upset to really learn. So be sure, if they're in that kind of a situation, just circle back and then practice. So this approach is really effective once they are around three years old. And so you can spend a time, take a time, when it's just the two of you playing, and life is easy. And then you can say, oh, I want that. And maybe it's something that they want are playing with. And so you can say, May I have this, and they have every right to say, No, I'm not done playing with it. Oh, you're not done playing with it. Okay? And then you can show them different things. Or if you're playing, and they come play with their toys, get down with them, and then they come over and want to take something from you. It's like, Oh, you didn't ask. No, and maybe they'll ask, and then you can say, No, I'm not done with it yet, right? And so then we can talk about different things that we can do when that happens, and that it's okay, it's okay to say, I'm not done yet. Give them a chance to practice when emotions are low, when emotions are fun, happy, friendly, and then the more you practice in those times, the more chances are nothing's 100% but the greater the chances are that you're going to actually see an improvement when they are in those other situations. So number four is really praise that positive behavior when your child shares or shows kindness, when they get it right, call it out, but again, be specific. I gotta get that word out with what was right about their choice. So for instance, say I loved how you helped your brother pick up his blocks. That was really kind of you, and make sure that they understand what it was that was so wonderful. All right, we already talked about that a little bit. Now let's talk about empathy and fairness and sympathy. These are some of the core components of moral development, and so around ages four to seven, and I want you to notice really how big that window is. That's three years, that's almost half of their life, if they're a seven year old, right? And so notice that's a huge window of when it's normal for this to start developing. But it's during that window that you are going to start seeing children develop their sense of empathy and fairness anytime within that range. And so during this time, children begin to understand that other people actually do have feelings and perspectives that are different from their own. And this is the perfect time to introduce that golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated. And it's also a great opportunity to discuss how preferences can vary. So for instance, while your child may like something done a very certain way, their siblings or their friends might prefer something different, and so it's okay to recognize I like it this way, but Johnny likes it that way. Oh, let's do something easy, like just a grilled cheese sandwich. Even right? I only like cheese on my grilled cheese sandwich, but Johnny likes mayonnaise on hIs grilled cheese sandwich, and Susie likes tomato on her grilled cheese sandwich. And all of that is okay. I might like wearing my backpack with my straps, and then the clicks and all everything all hooked up, and Susie might just like to grab it and run out the door. That's okay. Everyone has a different preference for how they like things done. This is a great time to start teaching them those things, very simple things, if that helps. All right, here's another thing. Storytelling is another fantastic way to build empathy. So read books with diverse characters and situations and ask your child questions like, how do you think that character feels? Or, what do you think you would do if you were in this story? And these questions help kids practice putting themselves in someone else's place. And that is the foundation of empathy. That's where it all starts. Right is putting ourselves in someone else's shoes. Here's another tool you've got, is role playing, and we've talked about that a little bit, but if your child struggles with taking turns, for example, you could role play a scenario where they are the one waiting, and ask questions like, well, how does it feel when we have to wait? You know, there's so many things. It doesn't even have to be all official. We wait in line all the time. We wait in line at the bank, we wait in line at the grocery store, we wait in line at the city dump. I don't know wherever it is, and they wait in line. I'm going to tell you, they wait in line quite a bit at school. So we can talk them while we're waiting in a natural situation. You don't have to set up this big thing. And then you can say, How does it feel when we're waiting, and what could we do to make it fair? Do you feel like we're waiting too long? Oh, that person cut in line. Well, is that fair? No. Is that something we need to be upset about? Not really. That's just them, and too bad for them. And then something that I did was I taught my students a song that they could sing while they're waiting. And it was always so satisfying to me when I could hear them singing it on their own without me even reminding them about it when they were in their own waiting situations. And okay, I have a cold you probably hear but I'll tell it to you real quick, and I've done it on another episode, so you might catch it there. But it's just I am waiting patiently, patiently, patiently. I am waiting patiently for my turn, for my sister, for my bath time, whatever it is they're waiting for. You can add that in, and it's really fun. You know, we used to do Tiktok things or dancing things and this so they'd have movements to go through, but it's really a fun thing. So practicing scenarios, whether it's sharing or helping a friend, or they notice someone is hurt or sad, and even practicing, if someone is hurt, what do you do? And they know I run going tell a grown up and well, what grown up do you tell? Because if it's that on the playground, that'll be pretty obvious. If you're at a mall or at a park, it may not be so obvious. And so maybe that's something that we want to practice more with them. Maybe it's managing anger towards somebody, but when you practice these things. It's actually giving your children a memory to draw on when these situations arise in real life. And so it doesn't have to be a big formal thing, although it can be a really effective part of weekly family meetings. Yes, I'm a big fan of having a family meeting every week to help kids know what's coming up. What's going on? Play some games. Build our relationship. Have fun together and do some role play. These little guys at this age, they totally dig role play. Give them some mom and dad's clothes and shoes and stuff to put on and be the role they will love it. And so it can also happen, though, spontaneously, while maybe you're playing house or cooking dinner or folding the laundry. There's all kinds of opportunities throughout our life to do role playing with our kids, and speaking of family meetings, I just want to remind you that it's a really powerful tool for teaching fairness. And when conflicts arrive, you can involve your kids in finding solutions. And then, let's not forget using some thoughtful processing when your kids are in the middle of a conflict and helping them find solutions. For example, if siblings are arguing over a toy, ask them, Well, what's a fair way to solve this? And you might be surprised at how creative and fair minded kids can be when they're given the chance to participate in the problem solving. One of the things that I have done is I actually just used an empty tissue box, and I put in icons, you know, pictures, downloaded them off the internet of kids, maybe sharing, setting a timer, trading toys. One. Waiting patiently, going somewhere else and find something else to do when you come up with solutions that are perfect for your family. And then you can find these pictures on the internet. You can print them out ever the teacher, I laminated them. Of course, they last longer that way, and put them in. And then they can go, I called it the treasure box or the answer box, and they can go in and pull it out, and then that's what they're gonna do. And they got a kick out of that in my kindergarten class. Of course, I wasn't smart enough to do it when my kids were growing up in my home, but I did learn that in my kindergarten class, and it was a great solution for helping my kids come up with some problem solving. And then what's nice is, as time goes on, you know, at first you're going to have to help them with it. Then you're going to see them starting to go to the box without even asking you for help. And then even beyond that, they might not even go to the box anymore. They might remember what those solutions were, and then move along with it. How cool is that? So there you are. So let's tackle the big one, discipline. Boundaries are essential for development. Kids feel safer and more in control when they know what is expected of them, you know, but discipline isn't just about punishment. In fact, it's really not about punishment. It's about teaching. So when your child makes a mistake, and they will focus on the lesson, not just the consequence. For instance, if your child lies about breaking a toy instead of saying you're in trouble for lying, you might say, oh geez, I'm really disappointed you weren't honest. Let's talk about why telling the truth is important, and now this shifts the focus to building character, rather than just enforcing the rules. So we've talked maybe a little bit about natural consequences. You know, a natural consequence of snagging a toy from another toddler, maybe getting hit in the head with another toy, right? That's a natural consequence, if your child refuses to wear their coat, they'll feel cold. Natural consequence, if they don't clean up those toys, huh? They just might get put away for a while if I have to clean them up. Natural consequence. These experiences, gently and effectively, actually teach accountability without the need for consistent intervention. And there will also be moments when your child notices that another child is not following the same rules you have for your family. Now, this can happen at school, in public or during a family gathering, so use these moments to explain that every child has its own set of rules, and just as other children are expected to follow their family rules, your child is expected to follow your family rules, and this teaches them, you're starting to learn about respect for differences without compromising your own values that you're trying to teach. And so sometimes your child might not say anything like they won't say, Johnny's doing this, Johnny's doing that, but they might, I'm gonna try that out, and they might try a behavior that they've observed elsewhere. So just stay calm and reinforce your family rules without being judgmental of the other children. So kids as young as three can begin to understand that rules can vary by situations such as the library is different than the playground. Right nap time is different than center time. There are different rules for this time, so you can use the same logic to help them navigate the differences between your home and places like maybe grandma's house or a friend's home or the library, I don't know if you're not together, maybe there's different rules from Mom's house and dad's house, and that's okay. We're not gonna make a big deal about it, just, oh, that's one of Dad's rules. Here we do this, right? Okay? And with that said, some rules remain constant no matter where you are, these will be rules about honesty, kindness and showing respect, and these universal principles provide a strong foundation for your child's moral development. Now for many families, Faith does play a significant role in shaping moral development. So teaching children about God's love, His forgiveness and the importance of serving others provides a strong foundation for their character. And so practices like attending church, saying prayers together and reading the Bible work best when they are combined. We're doing all of those things, creating a holistic approach to instilling these values and these moments offer opportunities for children to actually feel God's love and influence in their lives. If you want to hear a story about that, look at my first episode in December. I think that was December 2, something like that. There's a great story in there about a dad who did just that with a young son. So it's important to talk to your children about these experiences and ask them how they felt or what they thought during moments of spiritual connection, and then share your experiences with them too. There have been times, I'm sure, when you have felt guided to act or refrain from something, or maybe just to reach out to somebody, discuss those moments and how they impacted you and the joy and the peace that they brought to you and your life. Now, even if faith isn't part of your family's life, you can still focus on universal values like kindness, honesty and respect. And one powerful way to do this is by creating a family mission statement. So gather as a family and decide which values matter most to you, and then write them down and display them somewhere visible in your home, and then this daily reminder helps keep your family grounded in the principles that you cherish. So one of the things my family did it was for a church activity. We were doing our church Olympics, right? And so every family was like a country, and we were gonna walk in and have the walk-in ceremony. It really was a fun evening for everybody, but every family was supposed to have a motto and then make a flag out of their motto, and then we carried our flag in, you know, like you do. And so our family motto that we put on our flag was, be good, have fun and serve the Lord, and that's what we walked in with. It was kind of fun putting that together. So before we wrap up, let's just recap some of these practical strategies. So number one, model moral behavior be the person you want your child to become. Show gratitude by saying thank you and express appreciation for others, and then demonstrate honesty and kindness in your daily actions. And number two, encourage open discussions. Talk about moral dilemmas such as, what would you do if you see a friend being teased or maybe somebody who's not a friend, let your kids practice reasoning through these scenarios and help them understand the importance of fairness and empathy. Number three, teach through stories, books, movies and family and adults especially, are powerful tools for teaching values. So for example, read stories with diverse characters and ask questions like, how do you think that character feels, or what would you do if you were in this story? And then number four, reinforce empathy and help your child understand and respect others feelings. And so when someone's hurt or someone's feelings are hurt, even guide them to apologize and make amends, and then use role playing to practice situations like sharing, helping or resolving conflicts, and then stay consistent. Clear boundaries and logical consequences are essential. And remember, discipline isn't about punishment, it's about teaching. So use those natural consequences and focus on lessons rather than the outcomes. So fostering moral development is truly a journey. It's a journey that we will be on our entire lives. I'm still working on mine, and I'm fairly old, and so these strategies are just stepping stones, and remember, it's not about perfection, it's about progress and creating a loving, supportive environment where kids can learn and grow. So thank you so much for joining me today on imperfect heroes, and I hope this episode has given you just a few maybe valuable insights into the moral development of children and how you can guide your little ones with love, patience and purpose. And here's to an incredible 2025 and an exciting season five. I am so grateful to have you with me on this journey as we explore how to raise kids who are not just good but good for the world. And if you found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend, or leave a review, or both, and don't forget to follow me on social media for more tips and resources. All the links are in the show notes, and until next time, keep showing up, keep growing and remember you've got this let's go find joy in parenting. See ya.  Thank you so much for sticking around to the end of today's episode of imperfect heroes. Parenting is truly one of the most rewarding journeys we can take. But let's face it, it can be incredibly challenging, and sometimes we make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be. The good news is that with a little bit of work up front, there are practical steps you can take to bring more peace and joy into your family life. I am passionate to share these strategies and insights with you. If you're ready to step on the paths of joyful, effective parenting, I invite you to schedule a family checkup, just click. The calendar, link in the show notes below, schedule a time that works perfectly for you, and let's work together to create a more harmonious and happy environment. And remember every small step that you take today makes a big difference. So thank you again for joining us, and until next time, let's find joy in parenting.