Episode 27: Setting Attainable Goals with Dr. Christine Li

DJ Stutz  0:14  
You're listening to Episode 27 of Imperfect Heroes, insights into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. I'm your host DJ sets, and in today's episode, I share a conversation with Dr. Christine Lee. Dr. Li is a clinical psychologist in a private practice in New York City, and is also known for her work as the procrastination coach online. Her procrastination coach blog is the number one blog in the world on the topic of procrastination, and she has helped 1000s overcome the procrastination habit and get crystal clear on what needs to be done so they can get into action fast and achieve their goals. Dr. Li's new book, five minutes self discipline exercises, stay motivated, cultivate good habits, and achieve your goals is a compilation of her best strategies set inside an engaging Workbook format. Listen to Dr. Li's brand new podcast, which is entitled Make Time for Success. For inspiration for creating a life of joy, productivity and abundance. There's so much to learn. So let's get started.

Before we get going, I want to let you know that we have a new website for the podcast, www.imperfectheroespodcast.com. And you can follow us there and it is so easy to leave a review to rate us. You can also click on the contact button and reach me. And I hope you'll give us a look. It's just a great place for you to do any of our old episodes and know what's coming up currently. 

How would you like to start this new year on a positive path? I know that last year was difficult in so many different ways, and next year will surely have its own issues. But what if you made a decision that would help you take control of the things that you can actually take control of do something that would provide you with more knowledge and confidence in the most important task of your life? That of raising confident, strong, kind, and thoughtful children? Honestly, can you think of anything that would mean more to the world, coaches are common part of our society. And we use coaches to help us lose weight, get in shape, to help us become better athletes to be better at our jobs. And the list just goes on and on. So why not use a coach to help us with the most important job we will ever do? raise our kids, Little Hearts Academy USA offers one on one and group coaching to help you create loving and lasting relationships with your children. As you strengthen your family in a way that's going to impact generations, give me a call at 720-989-6475. And let us discuss the best way to make your life better. And if you enjoy today's episode, please go ahead and give me a rating and review. Just so you know five stars is the appropriate number of stars. And be sure to listen to the end of the podcast and be one of my finger loggers. Procrastination has always been an issue for me. And even when there was something I want to accomplish, I'll get all caught up in the minutiae of the little things. Sometimes I'm just tired, or I'm not feeling well. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. And I just don't know where to start. Sometimes then I begin to wonder, is this the right goal for me? Or is this the right time for me to try? I actually just went and saw my doctor this week. And

she brought up the idea of some weight loss. And I agreed that might be a good thing for me to work on. And so we talked about some strategies and some things that we could do. But then as we were nearing the end of our conversation, it was very interesting because she said, I want you to have the best chance for success. So why don't we plan on starting this after the holidays in January instead of right now? And I thought for a minute, and I thought, you know, that's actually a good idea. Between, you know, with teachers, kids are bringing stuff in, you have school parties, I've got a wedding to go to next week. And there's all of that. And then there's the Christmas, we're going to have Christmas Eve with my nephew and his family. And then there's New Year's Eve and all of that, right. And so I thought maybe this is the right time for me to work on this goal. And other goals that I have for me, that I can work on right now can take priority. So sometimes you're wondering through all of those things, as you're trying to figure out what goals to work on. And then what to work on first, and how to prioritize that. Last minute changes get me sidelined, big time, it could be sick kids, maybe a friend needs help. Sometimes we get so busy with just the everyday living, that we forget, or we don't have time to devote to that goal. I mean, there's laundry, and then there's food and shopping and getting kids to swimming lessons and soccer practice and all the things that we have going on. I have great admiration for people who are so busy, and yet they still managed to figure out and are committed to achieving a goal. And in fact, in one of my earlier episodes with Dr. Aaron Benyon, she actually completed her PhD. So she started with just an Associate's actually, and went on to have from her nursing associates to go have her doctorate and PhD in nursing while she had three kids. And at one point she was working three jobs, raising the kids. She does, she does have a great husband that was supporting her in this but even still, it's a lot going on. And and then there's the schoolwork. But she managed to make a priority of getting to the gym every day. And that she said was something that actually helped her have the energy and the good attitude to help her continue with her goal. And I was just amazed, like, how do you do all of that, and get to the gym. And in fact, she was a two time world champion on a team for CrossFit. So I'm in pretty good shape. So as we talked with Dr. Lee, as I talked with Dr. Lee, she just had some amazing insight and important information that I know is going to help you in some way. So let's go ahead and get started. So I am welcoming Today, my guest Christine Li. And I found Christine through just doing podcasts and sometimes podcasters get to know each other a little better. And she is just amazing, and how she's able to work with people and help them see the directions that they want to go to and how to get there. So, Christine, I'd love to have you just take a minute and introduce yourself.

Dr. Christine Li  8:23  
Thank you so much for those kind words. Hi, everyone. I am Dr. Christine Li. I am a clinical psychologist in New York. And my specialty is helping people to get rid of their procrastination habit. I developed this expertise many, many years ago, when I accidentally discovered that I was a huge procrastinator, and also was lucky enough to realize that I could not only teach myself how to get rid of the procrastination, but that I could teach others to do the same. So that is the short summary of my professional life. In my personal life, I enjoy lots of things, including my dog who's in view right now, and exercise and dance and just exploring what this world has to offer each of us.

DJ Stutz  9:18  
I love that. And it's fun. I'm looking at your dog on the screen right now and same basic colors as my dog. So it's got to be pretty good dog just chillin on the couch there. So actually, as we're talking about for us this time of year, but really, I don't think we want to limit ourselves to setting goals and and working towards them just at the beginning of the year. I think that there's time all throughout our life, that we are setting goals. So I think one of the questions that I have is, I imagine that at least for me part of the procrastination is There's a goal, and I'm just, oh, it sounded like a good goal. But did I really take the time to look at what this goal meant? How does that fit in? Or is that something that you find common?

Dr. Christine Li  10:13  
I think procrastination is super common. I think we can do it in our every day even without really knowing, or really choosing to avoid what we've set up for ourselves in a certain day. And I think we choose our goals on purpose. I don't think those are accidental. I think we know what we want. I think we know what we like, I think we know what we're dreaming about. And that that part comes really easily it's the part of setting ourselves up to do a reasonable approach and consistent approach to succeeding in our goals. That is the more difficult process. I think sometimes we know instinctively, what is appealing to us, like our intuition, lets us know, oh, I really liked that sweater, or Oh, my God, it would be great to be as confident a speaker as that woman on stage. And I don't think we have many teachers for how to get a habit done, how to change a habit, how to think about yourself, positively enough, so that you can decide, oh, today's a great day to go after that goal. And then what happens we have this mile long to do list with things that are really do need our attention. And we say, okay, let's just do what we know how to do, let's just do the groceries. Let's do the chores. Let's help other people. But then we stop really focusing on our own big wishes and our big vision.

DJ Stutz  11:49  
I think you are exactly right. And so what do you think is more important than the process of making the goal deciding which goals you want to concentrate on? Or the process of how am I going to achieve this goal?

Dr. Christine Li  12:03  
I think both are important. And I think one of my main tips is that we focus on one thing at a time. Yeah, because we have that huge to do list. And we have big eyes and big hearts, we want to help people, we want to get a lot of things accomplished in a single day. But then we get overwhelmed and we do get exhausted and we get tired. And we get unclear about what was that goal again. When did I tell myself I was going to achieve that. So I would suggest to our listeners that if you're wanting to go for more goals or wanting to have more satisfaction in your heart, pick one thing to start with. So you just know where to focus, you have this big target now, instead of this diffuse wish, that kind of follows you around in your every day, I want you to have this really clear vision of what's going to happen. Who do you need to be to start this process? Who do you need to be to go for this goal every single day without fail? Who do you need to be to stay with this system until you reach it and it might be months, it might be years even. But we want that whole setup to be solid before you even start. Because if you don't believe in yourself, at the start, it really doesn't matter how good or appealing or attractive your goal is.

DJ Stutz  13:36  
I love the way that you were talking about who do you need to be to get all of this done? How do you figure that part out?

Dr. Christine Li  13:45  
Now that's the That's the million dollar question, right? Because you have to know yourself, well, you have to know Okay, these are the excuses that I tend to come up with. Right? I'll try reflect on my own excuses. My excuses. It's, we're currently in December, and one of them is, well, it's cold, I don't really want to venture out to the gym again, even though I've been in the habit of doing so. So even having good consistency isn't really that protective. If you have that thought, Oh, well, it's Tuesday, this is a day of the week where I feel a little bit low energy, and then all of a sudden your habit just gets blown apart. And we want to get you to a point where you have this inner sense of confidence in yourself that you will show up according to the rules you have set for yourself and they don't have to be mean rules or super rigid rules, but they are decisions that you've made for yourself. So to give you an example continuing the gym example, for myself, personally, I will go to the gym today. Even though it's dark, it's December it's cold and I've exercised enough this week, because I've decided recently that my physical health is something that I really want to prioritize.

DJ Stutz  15:07  
That is a great idea. And I hear people talking about maybe enlisting other people or someone who will encourage you on or maybe go with you. Or if you're trying to lose weight, or stop smoking, or whatever those are, how important is that? And then I think finding the right person to, for that process is kind of key. Do you have any insights,

Dr. Christine Li  15:36  
I have one kind of funny insight. And that the way I got into this doing daily physical activity habit was I started talking about it on my Instagram stories. So kind of cover the interpersonal accountability piece. But it's weird, because I was just telling my Instagram followers that I was going to do this that I was going to go every day. And then every day, even though I thought it was going to get super boring for my followers, I would post myself going to the pool. And the great thing that happened was some of my followers were like, you just changed my mind about exercise for myself, and people started doing it for themselves. And then even better than that, I developed a habits course, because I was thrilled with the fact that I was able to transition from someone who did not go to the gym every day, to someone who did, it was really not even in my original calculation that that's what was the goal, my goal was just to get moving again. And then I found wow, if I keep posting and I keep showing up, this just brings on more and more good things, the swimming gets easier. The packing the bag to go swimming gets easier. People start to know me at the gym, I have followers who are happier, it's just kind of this whole bucket of good stuff that comes when we show up for ourselves in new ways and ways that we wouldn't be able to find out about ourselves if we just stayed stuck in our old habits,

DJ Stutz  17:14  
right? I think that some goals, like it's such a part of your life, that it's kind of hard to weed that out such as a parent might decide I'm going to have a goal of I'm not going to yell at my kids so much. But that's not something that I have to pack a bag for or go to, you know what I mean? It just happens. Or I am going to set a goal for I'm going to read to my child every night for X amount of minutes, or I'm going to make sure that we become more solid in our routines as a family so that my kids know what to expect and what's coming. But some of those goals can be very different from the ones you go through a process. Do you have any suggestions for moving forward with those kind of goals?

Dr. Christine Li  18:05  
Great question. complicated topic, right? How do we really stay true to our wish, and I'm gonna hold that tip that I mentioned at the start of the episode. And that is you need to change your identity, that change needs to happen on the identity level. And I used to be a screaming parent, I admit. And I decided after reading the book, The Four Agreements, that this was something that I did not have to continue with my own children. And that was very powerful. And I made that change, as if it were a flip of a switch. And I didn't think it was going to happen that way. Because I was caught in the cycle of Well, everybody has to yell now. Because when a parent yells, right, everybody started killing it. So that was a really big life lesson. For me. It wasn't just for the children, it was really healing for me that I didn't have to carry in stuff that was not working for me and did not feel good or effective into my future self or my future identity. And now, very confidently, I can say I am a parent who does not yell. And that feels good. So decide not only what you have to change in your identity to make this stick, but also keep your eye on the goal, which is not just the lack of screaming or the lack of whatever you're trying to get away from. But the good feeling that comes when you succeed, we oftentimes drop our consistency and we fail to be consistent because we don't remember that we really haven't felt the good stuff yet that it's coming. But we just are too tired or too flaky or we're too busy. Whatever it is. So Sometimes I think we're too used to feeling not so good about ourselves. And I certainly would not want you to be stuck in old patterns. Because you just don't feel good about yourself.

DJ Stutz  20:10  
Boy that you bring up an amazing point, though, at that, you know that sometimes we stick with things because we don't feel really good about ourselves. And maybe we're saying I don't deserve this or that because I am x, or y. And that that man that's really hit home to me when you said that is like, wow, that's such a big piece. But so if you are kind of in that, in that place, what are some things that you can do to help yourself, you know, realize that each of us is valuable and worthy of goodness in our lives?

Dr. Christine Li  20:55  
Yeah, you want to practice treating yourself that kindly. That's the first thing, sometimes we're just not taught how to do that. Or we fall out of that habit, or we fall into some bad luck. And we think, Oh, it's a negative universe out to sabotage me, instead of realizing that the world is filled with opportunity, teachers, healers, coaches, books, podcasts, experiences, children, who can teach us new ways of seeing the same problem in a different way. And so personally, what I do is I just, I just listen, listen, read read. It's an endless cycle of listening and reading, and honestly doing the healing. Sometimes with paid professionals and other times with friends who happens to be professionals. In my field, it's good to be a psychologist, oftentimes, and to really just give yourself the hope and the faith that there's more for you. There are other ways of doing things, there's always another option. That's another good technique to tuck away in your head that you can feel totally stuck. And you can feel like, oh my god, how am I going to get rid of this 50 year old habit? Nope, there's so many different options, there are probably a million other options that you're not thinking about. So think about a few more.

DJ Stutz  22:25  
Yeah, I think that that's a really good point, how many times I didn't hear with the little kids, I didn't have a choice, he made me right. And sometimes we are giving away our power, I think to others, sources, rather than saying I, I am worthy, I am in charge, I make the decisions for me, you know, in my family, and I'm not going to let society or other people who put me down, I guess. And then I think too. And maybe you can speak to this is I learned so much from my failures than I do my successes. So if I fail even maybe four or five times in a row or more, I fail in a different way each time. But then to take the time to maybe sit and look at okay, what went wrong? Why did I let myself go and yell at my kids? I feel bad about that. Let my kids know, I feel bad about that. But you know, I think when when you fail a few times in a row, you tend to give up. And so how do you ever come that and realize these are just more opportunities to learn, they're not really failures,

Dr. Christine Li  23:31  
I'm with you that failures are our best teachers, really, they might be our only teacher that matter. So you want to know that every day is a brand new opportunity, and that you can reset, it's up to you to manipulate your mindset to support you, you have a choice, in that matter. Your mindset could be filled with negativity and sad stories and your past failures. And people do that they kind of stockpile their their failures. And keep looking at that. And personally, I much prefer seeing the present moment as kind of this empty blank space that's pretty easy to navigate, and not filled with my past failures. Because we don't have enough time on this podcast to talk about my past failures. I mean, I'm a totally chronic procrastinator in my past early years, and I would do everything incorrectly. Like I wouldn't sleep I wouldn't eat correctly. I wouldn't talk to people in the right way. I just didn't know how to put two and two together to make four it just never worked. Things didn't work for me. I never knew how to plan. But thank goodness I don't get stuck in that part of my life because now I can help people be their best selves and I can live much more calmly, much more happily, much more confidently because I've got that cleared away. So Allow yourself to clear out the stuff that isn't working for you. I just don't believe we were born in this very beautiful, special universe to be thinking about our past failures, I just doesn't compute for me, right?

DJ Stutz  25:17  
I agree with you a lot. And yet, that's the kind of things that will beat us up, even now, that I'll be like trying to go to sleep at night. And somehow, something that happened when I was rude to someone in high school, or like something stupid like that will just pop into my mind. And then I'll feel like I was so mean, that was, why am I wasting time on? That's nothing I can fix if I could fix it, I would. But there's nothing that happened. I won't tell you how many years ago, but it was many. And so sometimes those just, they unwillingly, it seems, pop into your mind.

Dr. Christine Li  26:00  
That is by design, because we remember things that have emotional weight for us. And that's not an accident, because somewhere your mind decided, or you subconsciously decided that this is something I never want to forget, or that I really want to hang on to because it can keep teaching you to avoid the negative circumstances or to avoid saying the wrong things the next time, it's a protective, adaptive survival type of mechanisms. So we don't want to fight against that stuff, we just want to kind of appreciate that our whole system, mind, body and spirit is set up in this miraculous Lee brilliant way to keep us safe and to keep us in survival mode, and to keep us thriving. So when we clear away that junk, and know that we're safe in a survival way, hopefully all everybody's listening is safe in those ways, then we can work on what are our success desires, because our mind and body are ready to go get that stuff for you. You just have to make the decision and set the vision and believe in yourself. The rest is is on autopilot.

DJ Stutz  27:16  
I really liked that thought that's, that's actually really good. So I'm also wondering, so let's say that you and I are going to work on a goal. Together, you're supporting me in whatever goal that I have. What are some ways that I can be a good support to a friend that is working toward a goal?

Dr. Christine Li  27:40  
not put any pressure on that person? I'm a real believer. The non pressured zone of productivity that when

DJ Stutz  27:50  
woohoo. Alright, man, that was crazy. We had a little power outage here and had to get everyone back on. So here we are. So we just finished really talking about supporting a friend and being there for someone else and helping them through things. I'm wondering, does it help and in connection with that? So if you're a parent, and you've got young kids with you, are there some things that you can do to maybe incorporate your kids into helping you meet that goal? Or what are your thoughts there?

Dr. Christine Li  28:27  
I think that's, that's maybe more your area than mine. But I will give a try here. And I like to think that in every situation, everybody's needs can be met. That's the spirit with which I try to do all things. And sometimes the kids will need to take priority. And sometimes our needs as adults are going to need to take priority for work, for instance, or emergency or the power goes out. So really kind of to be open to excuse me multiple different potential good options and good avenues of getting things done. So you might want to say, Okay, for the first 15 minutes, we're going to focus on setting you up so that you guys can play here. And then I'm going to just need your cooperation for another 15 minutes after. So maybe because you're working with children, to have very reasonable very kind of micro expectations that you can remind the children of that you can reward them for when they accommodate you and then to accept when it's not going to work out without freaking out because they will have other opportunities. And I think is when we feel in our hearts and minds that everything's a crisis. That everything kind of becomes a crisis. Right? So let's not do that.

DJ Stutz  30:03  
Yeah, I really like that. I think sometimes people get a little freaked out, you know, when things like that change. I'm a big believer in timers. When you're dealing with little kids, let's say you decided that you're going to read X amount of minutes a day for yourself to maybe learn history or to learn about something for your work or whatever. And you need that time. Kids like timers, and I'll have timers where they can hold them. So they're in charge of the timer, and then we have to honor that ourselves. When Time's up. Time's up.

Dr. Christine Li  30:37  
Yeah, I was gonna say timers are for adults, too. Yeah, yeah.

DJ Stutz  30:41  
For sure. I tend to, yeah, get in deeply involved in something and everything else goes to the wayside. And I tend to have that micro vision. Anyway. So actually, at the end of any of my conversations, I always like to ask the same question of all of my guests. And that is, how would you define a successful parent?

Dr. Christine Li  31:05  
Wow. So without prep, I would say, a successful parent is one who understands that their role is a gift, rather than a chore, and a role that can consistently bring rewards if you're open to them. So a successful parent, I guess, is an open minded one.

DJ Stutz  31:37  
Okay, when you said that I just got chills, that apparently realizes their role as a gift. And not a chore. You just gave me chills. That was perfect. I loved it. So Dr. Christine Lee, how can people get a hold of you or find out more about what's going on in your universe?

Dr. Christine Li  31:57  
Okay, thank you so much. Also, thank you again, for having me on the show, I would want to first point your listeners to my own podcast. It's called the make time for success podcast, and I have wonderful guests, just like DJ sets on the show to teach their area of expertise. So it's my great joy to be able to interview people about what makes them filled with joy. And then I am procrastination coach all over the internet. And my website is procrastination coach on that website. You'll not only be hooked up with the podcast, but also some free resources and ways to work with me.

DJ Stutz  32:39  
That is awesome. And I will put all of that information in our show notes so that they can find your podcast and your websites and all of that. Are you on Instagram or Facebook? Or?

Dr. Christine Li  32:51  
I really love Instagram, and I'm brand new to Tik Tok. So, ah, being there, but I am procrastination coach there as well.

DJ Stutz  33:00  
Awesome. Awesome. Well, Christine, I just love that you agreed to be on the show. And I love what you do. And I love listening to your podcast. It gives some great insight. And I love the guests that you have. Obviously one recent one was pretty good. But

Dr. Christine Li  33:19  
but investing on parenting.

DJ Stutz  33:22  
Thank you so much for everything. And maybe we'll hook up again down the road and see what's new.

Dr. Christine Li  33:30  
I look forward to it. Thank you so much, DJ. All right. Thank

DJ Stutz  33:32  
you. Dr. Li has just such a great Outlook doesn't she? And remember that you can find her podcast called Make Time for Success. Wherever you listen to your podcasts. She also has her own website at www.procrastinationcoach.com. And I'll have all of her contact information in the show notes. So just be sure to check that out. She also mentioned a book called The Four Agreements. And you can find this book at most bookstores. But I've included an Amazon link in the show notes as well. And then I also am going to put a link to Dr. Li's own book, The Five Minute Self Discipline Exercises, stay motivated, cultivate good habits and achieve your goals. I'm gonna put a link so you can check out that book as well in the show notes. So be sure and look down there to get more information on those things. I would just love for you also, if you're interested and you like what's going on with the podcast. I do a Tuesday night Facebook Live at seven o'clock Mountain Time. And the exciting thing is I talk about our current podcast episode and give a hint about what's coming up the next week. But this is your chance to actually get online and ask questions in the comments. I am happy to interact with you and if you have a question about our topic, that's great. If you have something that's a little off and not exactly on topic, I don't mind those either. I'm here for you. And I'm happy to answer those. So, listen to us. It's Tuesday night at 7pm. Mountain Time on Facebook, Little Hearts Academy USA is the name of the page. And you can find us there. And of course, that link will be in the show notes as well. If you enjoy the podcast, I would love for you to post about it in your social media, tag me at imperfect heroes podcast on Instagram, or Little Hearts Academy USA on Facebook. And we're continuing to grow. And I'm getting closer to my goal of having listeners in all 50 states and the more you share, the more families we can reach. And of course, you can always just email me at DJStutz@LittleHeartsAcademyusa.com. So this is my final episode in my very first season. So don't worry, we move into Season Two without even skipping a beat. Season two will begin on January 3 with episode 28. I had this great conversation with imperfect hero, Hilary Abla ser, where she tells her story about adopting her youngest child from China. Adoption is very near and dear to my heart as I two adopted my youngest child. Hillary has such a great wealth of knowledge and information for anyone who is thinking about adopting foreign and she shares about how she and her family came to that decision and what their process was. So if you are thinking about adoption, or you have a friend or family member who has adopted, this is the episode for you. So learn what I mean by tuning in to the next episode. Until next time, let's find joy in parenting.

Hey, my Linger Longer. I hope that you are enjoying your week and the holiday. And it's been everything that you would love it to be. all I have for you today is just a great story. So Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with a number of guests that would come and arrive and during the evening, a man knocked on the door and he was greeted happily. Come on, you know, is just the party atmosphere. And he was led to the kitchen where they had all the food and the drinks. And he sat there happily chatting away with people for a couple of hours before he said to Trevor, you know, I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests cars are blocking my driveway. We can't get out. My wife's been sitting out in the car this whole time waiting for me to get them moved. So we can go out to dinner. I'm gonna go now

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