Episode 82: Are You Living the Life You Would Want Your Children to Live? with Amanda Kate

DJ Stutz  0:13  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA. 

You're listening to Episode 82 of Imperfect Heroes: Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host DJ Stutz. Amanda Kay is a Kinesiologist mentor, and mother. She is also the author of Divine Messy Human, A Spiritual Guide to Prioritizing Internal Truth Over External Influence. A recovering people pleaser and self flagellating, Amanda straddles the path between the divine and the messy daily, always growing, developing and learning new ways of being to hopefully one day leave the earth better than she found it. Amanda lives in Melbourne, Australia with her flame, her children, his children, and a dog named Zeus. There's so much to learn. So let's get started.

How are you coming on your resolutions to connect more completely with your children, or to manage stressful situations in a kinder manner. If you're listening to this podcast, you are already investing time in your family and working to raise independent, kind and successful children. You know that having someone to talk with about the best practices and challenges related to how children develop provide you with ideas that you can use today, tomorrow and next week. And as your children continue to grow? What if you could engage with a mother of five who was an early childhood specialist with more than 20 years of classroom experience, committed to supporting you to discover your parenting style, identify behavioral triggers, and learn about your children's emotional development with a focus on enhancing communication? Well, that's me. And I welcome the opportunity to continue this conversation with you. So just click on my calendar link in the show notes to book a free 50 minute call so I can learn more about your concerns and goals. And I can share recommendations about how to create a home environment where you and your children can strengthen your relationships, and celebrate happiness and peace. 

You know, to this day, I continue to struggle with those negative voices in my head telling me oh, you could have handled that better. And I still work to help others, which isn't bad. But I will put my own comfort behind that of others more often than not, I am getting much better than I was in my youth. But it is an ongoing process. Well, Amanda Kate comes from a very different faith tradition than I do. But I love the way she has taken her tradition and used it to move from someone who puts her needs far behind the wants of others, someone who would consistently put herself down to herself and others to someone who now purposely contributes to her family and community. And she is now someone who helps others find new levels of health, vitality, and abundance. And during our conversation, she says that she asks her client would you want your kids to live the life that you are living? And the minute she said that it totally resonated with me. And I knew I had the title for this episode. There's so much to learn. So let's get started. 

Welcome, everybody, and thanks for joining us here on Imperfect Heroes. Today I am talking to an amazing woman who comes to us from from Down Under in Australia. Amanda Kate, and we're just gonna be talking a bit about how you take care of yourself as a mom or a dad and what effect that has on our kids. Amanda, thank you for being here and being a part of things.

Amanda Kate  4:27  
Thank you so much for having me. I loved our previous chat so I can't wait to see what happens today.

DJ Stutz  4:33  
Yes or no with me. Why don't we start out with what you've got going on and what you do?

Amanda Kate  4:43  
Yes, so I am a kinesiologist and kinesiology in Australia is a little bit different from in the US. So in the US Kinesiology is more along the physiotherapy line it is about muscle movement. And whilst we look at muscle movement, it is also about the energy that is inhibiting the true flow of you know, muscles moving properly and energy systems in the body working properly and systems of the body working properly. So we look at what stress is held there what the emotional resonance of that is. And then we look to shift it out of the body. So we use a lot of vibrational remedies, and acupressure points and things like that to shift that stress through, but always finding emotional resonance for that. It's actually not as woowoo as it sounds, this is ancient knowledge passed on from from ancient Egypt and even beyond. So there's a lot of symbolism in there. But what it does is it gives us the, the arc, the highest point of our human experience. And obviously, you know, when all 22 are in balance, we are fully enlightened, I've got a little way to go yet as to most of us don't think I'm hitting that in this lifetime. But you know, it's always something to aim for. And it means there's always something to work on. And I've also written a book called Divine Mercy, human, a spiritual guide to prioritizing internal truth over external influence. So all of the work that I've done, the kinesiology, the life coaching, the Reiki and TBM, and all of the other things that I've put together, and my own experience in life, and the art and my own wisdom and experience of spirituality have really gone into that book. So yeah, lots of different things going on.

DJ Stutz  6:30  
As my listeners are thinking about some of this, we will have a connection or a link to your book, in our show notes. So if they're interested in learning more, they can easily go there and pick up your books. So that'll be fun. It's funny, because my, so I have five kids, three girls, two boys. And my oldest boy, his degree is in kinesiology, his bachelor's, and he wound up being a respiratory therapist. So helping people breathe and stuff, he worked in the emergency room, many went and got his master's, and now he's in administration and stuff. But that was really exciting for him. So yeah, I can see that there is a difference in what you've talked about, and what I know him and yeah, we know what he talks about. I also like, I'm also a very faithful, religious, spiritual person. And I think that is so important for us to find where our faith lies. And then using that to help us get centered in our lives, whether we're working to hopefully doing a lot of work to help others, right. I think that's central and key and moving forward with that face. So I'm glad you have that spiritual side, too.

Amanda Kate  7:56  
I think it's so important to know that there's something bigger than us, because I think, you know, for me anyway, I lost sight of my spirituality for a long time, because of some bad experiences within the church. Now, it was like I threw the baby out with the bathwater. And in the last number of years, you know, having gone through some pretty dark times with chronic fatigue, and, you know, ending a toxic marriage and all of the other million and one things that have, you know, come up because I'm human, and it's life. Having reconnected to that source of creation, whatever you want to call it, whether you want to call it God or the goddess or Mother Earth or Source Creator, whatever, connecting into that something bigger than me, on those days where I don't have the energy to get myself through. It's like, I can lean on something, something bigger. And it's so important. And I didn't realize the magnitude of that, I think until I refound it and realized how potent it is in our lives to be able to do that.

DJ Stutz  9:07  
I agree. And I think sometimes we lose track. I mean, churches are a bigger thing, but they are run by imperfect humans. And absolutely, you know, we can get all put off or whatever, but we wouldn't. I often find we wouldn't want someone to put the expectations on us, that we tend to put on on other people of faith. They may not even be clergy, they may just be a church going participant and will hold them to some kind of standard. Oh, you offended me like I've never offended anyone. Anyone that knows me for five minutes knows I've offended someone.

Amanda Kate  9:54  
Well, we all have and that's part of the humaneness. Exactly. And that's why I called my book what it is it Originally, I was sort of looking around that messy human or messy human because being a human is messy. And as you say, we don't wake up in the morning and go, gee, I know what I'm going to do today, I'm going to piss off these people. It's not on our to do list. And yet that messy part of us because we may not have slept well, or we, you know, we may not have the energetic reserves that we usually do, or you know, something's happened that thrown our day out, all of those frustrations of life get involved. And so we end up in that reactionary state. So it is really interesting. But I really needed that divine in that because we do all have that Divine Spark, we do all have that connection to that oneness, that God source. And so that was actually as integral part of the title is recognizing our messiness and our humanity. Yeah, absolutely. You know what we've all missed people off.

DJ Stutz  10:54  
That's why we talk about imperfect heroes in parenting. Yeah, and I see so many people, sometimes they get caught up. And I think this really gets in the way of their own self reflection, and their own self care and the way they look at themselves, they're so busy being angry at their parents. And really, what are your kids gonna complain about you, when they become adults? They're gonna be like

Amanda Kate  11:22  
I often laugh and joke at the fact that, you know, I've now done all this work to, you know, untangle my family that I've untangled. And I just hope my kids have the money and the wherewithal to go and get the therapy I've done so that they can untangle what I've done to them. I know.

DJ Stutz  11:46  
The therapy fun. And it's funny, because I'm the oldest of seven. And in fact, it was episode 60. I was talking with my niece. So I'm the oldest of seven. My niece is the oldest of seven. So we're a generation apart. But we just had a blast in that episode, just talking about, like, the crazy things that we did growing up there that our parents did. And it's like, oh, like, yeah, yeah, today, they'd be arrest. Isn't that sad? You know,

Amanda Kate  12:23  
look, you know, everyone's always doing the best they can. And I think that's the biggest thing that really has changed my life and has made my life easier is recognizing that my generosity of extending to them the idea that they are doing the best they can at any time, no matter how much they are in reactive spaces where they, you know, triggered and activated and acting on resourcefully. I still know in that moment, they're doing the best they can. I can put my judgments around it. But they're still doing the best they can.

DJ Stutz  13:01  
Yeah, because most of the time, in fact, I would say 99.9% of the time. We don't know the whole story. We don't know they've been through or who's just done what. And, and so we don't give people credit. I've talked about a life changing moment for me and teaching me to give others grace. We lived in Las Vegas for 20 years. And we lived this road Jones and it kind of did a dogleg onto a road called Rancho and I was in line to make a left turn that was no light at the time, it was a stop sign. But there's nothing but desert on either side of this road. And so I'm just waiting in nine, you know, waiting for my turn to Taco at the stop sign. And this car comes ripping down the side of the road, Dustin up dirt because they're not even on the pavement. And I'm thinking is going on with that crazy person. And as they went by I had a suburban at the time. So I was a little higher with five kids in a to suburban. And I was able to look in and see and there was a woman in the seat next to him who to me clearly seemed to be in labor. You know what I mean? She you could tell she was breathing. And she was this guy was in a total panic. And that just really changed my life. That moment. Yeah. When I get mad at people like they cut me off or they're doing something crazy. I honestly I'll say a prayer either out loud or in my heart while I'm driving. Oh my gosh, I hope everything's okay. I hope they get to where they need to be safely. And I'll actually pray for them. And I'll tell you right Average. I'm really good at it now. Yeah, has been not participating. So when you do have those moments of self reflection, and you can allow that really have a huge impact. I mean, my gosh, this had to happen probably 30 years ago. Yeah. And even today, it's one of my big moments.

Amanda Kate  15:30  
I think those moments are so telling, you know, how many times have we cut someone off, and they've gotten pissed at us, just because we're not being paying attention? And where we may not have checked our blind spot properly, or whatever it is, it's like, Oh, my God, you know, I think there needs to be like a sorry, horn or something like that, so that we can press it?

DJ Stutz  15:49  
Back? Yeah,

Amanda Kate  15:55  
I think there needs to be a different sound for sorry, like,

DJ Stutz  16:00  
that could be like VW Bug horn. And then to, are we helping our children know, when they're acting out? Are we giving them the grace and saying, Wow, something's really gone. It doesn't mean we have to put up with things and defiant and cruel behavior, it doesn't mean that we change our boundaries. But it does take our time, and say, Okay, this isn't okay, what is going on. And they may or may not have the vocabulary to express, they may just, when you ask them something like that in a kind, loving manner, I've had my kids just fall apart and just cry. And because they don't really have the words to express what's going on inside of them. So when we talk about self care for us, we need to teach our kids to do that.

Amanda Kate  16:55  
And we need to do that with our own internal children as well, you know, me from even yesterday, is less resourceful than me today. Because I've learned things and if I'm not learning things, or then I'm not doing my job properly. But I think with children and with anybody, it's about seeing them and validating them. How many times are we told off as children for being over reactive or being angry or being too sensitive or taking things the wrong way or whatever. But actually, if we stop, because what that does is that gets us to suppress those emotions and to hide them away, and to pretend they don't exist. And that's where a lot of our reactivity as adults come from, is because we're not allowed to feel that. So what do I feel instead of that? Because I'm not allowed to do that. And so when we have an I know that I haven't always done this with my children, as much as I've tried. Is that Yes, I'm going to keep my boundaries strong, I can see that you are dealing with some really big emotions right now. What do you need? Yeah, because they often can't express it, as you say, they don't have the tools or the emotion is bigger than the tools that they've got all the emotions running faster than they can keep up with, with the tools that they have. You know, if you think about anger, or sadness, or something, all of a sudden, it can go from zero to 60, in, you know, faster than a Tesla, you know, all of a sudden, and you're like, Whoa, where did that come from. But it's because that emotion feels so big, it feels so overwhelming, and they don't know what to do with it. And with us holding our boundaries and going, I understand that you're feeling these big emotions, and you may not have the words to it's seeing them. And it's not denying that they're having that experience or feeling that emotion or having that come up in them. And we also need to recognize it in ourself, recognize in ourselves that that big emotion is there. I have a lot of clients who come to me and they go, Oh, I'm not an angry person. I've never really felt anger. I'm going so why have you been suppressing it so long? Because that's actually a trauma behavior, suppressing anger and not feeling angry, you know, it's like they're wearing it as a badge of honor that they don't get angry. And this isn't a judgement either because it is seen as a badge of honor to not get angry and to be a peaceful person and all of that, but how many peaceful people and I was the same fall into self flagellation fall into people pleasing fall into putting everybody else's needs above their own, rather than going through necessary conflict at times to have our needs heard by somebody else, and to acknowledge them ourselves that hang on in this situation, that's not okay. And what I need is right, but we're not practiced in doing that. And so we will suppress certain emotions and allow other emotions to come up. And when you think of you know, when we've lost our temper it out toddlers who are having a tantrum at a really inconvenient time. Because once they never choose a convenient time it can never be. But when they're doing that, they are completely overwhelmed and flooded with emotion. And what we're doing is come on pull your socks up, we've got to get going, we've got to get out, we've got to do this, we've, and so we are actually pushing that emotion down in them and telling them that their experience is invalid, that they're not allowed to feel that. And what they will do instead, as they feel that emotion more and more is they then start finding another more suitable emotion that they then feel connected with us in. So it might be that they go to sadness instead. Because in sadness, they get a hug from their parent, and they're trying their whole job is to keep that connection, because they need us to survive to adulthood. And that's the whole point of being a human and being dependent on someone is to survive to adulthood so that we can reproduce them, you know, keep the population going. That's the, you know, physiological biological fact of us. And so, in doing that, children are always looking for connection. So anything that they think disconnects them from the family unit or disconnects them from their caregivers, they will then find Okay, so when do I get connection? And it doesn't matter if it's healthy or unhealthy connection? When do I get that? Now, if we look at the way that we lose our temper with a toddler who's losing it and going off their nuts, you go, Okay, why am I all of a sudden reacting to that? And you know why? It's because we've been programmed because our parents reacted to us that way, and their parents reacted to them that way, and so on and so forth. And the other thing is, and I actually had this with a client yesterday, she had had a big fight with her stepdaughter, her stepdaughter is around 16 or something, because she just does what she wants. And I said, Okay, which part of you is that talking to? And it came out that it was, you know, her 19 year old self, because she was so suppressed, and so held in and all she wanted to do was what she wanted to do. And she never got a chance to do that. I said, Well, is there any wonder that you're annoyed at your 16 year old stepdaughter? Because she's doing whatever she wants? And your inner teenager is basically standing there going? How the hell is that fair? Yeah. So of course, you're reacting to it, because you didn't get it then. And so what we did was we went back and we sort of resource that in a teenager, we get we let her have her say we let her tell us what she needed in that moment. And then as that adult part of ourself, it's like, that bit doesn't need to be quite so controlling. And when we then see that teenager acting out again, or that child acting out again, we can go okay, that's why this is activating this part of me is because that's one of my inner children, or my inner teenagers, going, I was never allowed to do that. How dare you. That's not fair. And I find that fascinating about that human behavior is that we will learn to do anything to stay connected to our primary caregivers. And that's why you say see, say children who have been abused run back to their abusers, because that's the person who's abusing me. But also, that's the person who's supposed to keep me safe. And I know in my bones, mom and dad keep me safe. So even though they're the ones creating the lack of safety, they're also the ones that are supposed to keep me safe. So you can see the

DJ Stutz  23:37  
abusive relationships in marriage, or whatever living situation, but because it's familiar, that they're used to having someone who puts them down and who doesn't value them, or is physically abuses, there's emotional glue. And so sometimes we'll turn to that. And so if we're seeing these things in ourselves, sometimes the best self care, you can get therapy, but also just sitting down and really meditating on who am I and where am I in my life and in my systems, and instead of beating yourself up for not handling something right? Or allowing something to happen that, why do I always let this happen? And it always hurts or whatever, but I keep letting it happen. But you can either beat yourself up at it, or you can ask questions. You can say the same words, but in the different tone of wonder.

Amanda Kate  24:39  
Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking.

DJ Stutz  24:41  
Oh, there you go. Welcome with

Amanda Kate  24:43  
curiosity.

DJ Stutz  24:44  
Yeah, yeah,

Amanda Kate  24:45  
I heard you say it and I'm like, It's not the question. That's wrong. It's the emotion behind the question. That's wrong. Because in one of those, we've got you know, someone standing with their hand on their head, waving a finger at us and going, you're doing this wrong and we're getting into judgment and condemnation and you You know, accusation. Now when we're in that state, for us, it is that itty bitty committee in our head, that's going you're not good enough, you're not worthy, you're not safe. It's those three big, big, big belief systems that we're all trying to run away from, we are trying to run towards safety. But when we don't feel safe, we keep getting into that victim state. You know, with the worthiness, we're constantly trying to prove our worthiness with our not enoughness. We're constantly trying to prove our enoughness. And when we're in those three states, we are in that condemnation of ourselves and that judgment of ourselves. Now, curiosity and questioning is one of the biggest tools I get my clients to do. Because when we can tune in, before tuning out and looking at the external environment, and this again, goes back to that internal truth of external influence. When we can learn to hear that internal voice, we can bring in that curiosity and questioning now the questions may not have answers, they may only bring more questions and that's okay. Because what we're doing is we're taking those blinkers off the horses that run so that with the blinkers on so they can only see the track ahead of them, we're taking that off, we're getting that full vision that we've got the ability to see, because we're okay, so why are you feeling that way? One of the ways that I actually get my clients to do a really quick check in and I got given this from my kinesiology just before I even started studying it. She said, Okay, ask yourself, How old am I now? I do this in the middle of an argument. Now I'll be like, oh, whoa, whoa, some, some part of me is coming out right now. It's not pretty. Okay, how old am I now? And I'll get an answer. So say it's 28. Okay, so what was going on at 28 pregnant with my first child, I have my first child and over the other side of the world, my marriage isn't great. All this stuff's going on. I'm feeling lonely. feeling abandoned, rejected all of that stuff. Okay. So I'm exploding it, you know, one of my kids or my current partner, or whatever, and I'm actually, okay, I'm 28. This is what was going on. What did I need back then? And how is that relevant to now? So back then, I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be heard I wanted connection. So how am I not feeling seen heard and connected? Right now, that is causing this reaction from me? What do I need in this moment? So I can actually now stop sometimes, and go, Whoa, hang on a minute. Let's do a do over here. Because this isn't productive. And this is coming from my reactionary state. Not from this current situation. It's bringing up stuff from the past. But it's a beautiful thing. If you just listen for that first answer. Okay, how old am I right now? Okay. 19, what was going on at 19? went away to college, or whatever it might be. Oh, so I was feeling separated. And I was feeling lonely. What did I need? I need a connection. Okay. So in this moment, right now, when I am effectively being my 19 year old self, how am I lacking connection? And how can I build that connection? Yeah,

DJ Stutz  28:05  
just taking the time, though, to do that. And at the beginning, I think it's harder to do. But as you practice it more and more, it's gonna come to you much more quickly. And so you'll be able to respond faster, but it didn't tell me if I'm wrong. If I'm at the beginning of this process, I need to give myself the grace and understanding that I'm learning a whole new skill. I'm learning a whole new internal language, and Hell yeah,

Amanda Kate  28:37  
absolutely. Yeah. You know, it's like going to the gym and expecting after your first session to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's not going to happen, you know, you need to practice that you need to gradually lift heavier weights, you need to go in for more sessions, you need to run that little bit further, you need to do that little bit extra. And so when we first start with tuning into our intuition with doing that internal self development, personal development, spiritual development work, we're so used to shouting out over it, we're so used to looking outside of ourselves for the answers. We're so used to asking 100 people, you know, in my survey of 100 people, they suggested I do this. That's how we run our life. You know, it's like the Family Feud board game. Yeah. The top answer for my life. But if we start to tune out some of that external noise, and understand that they don't know us the way that we know us, if we give ourselves a chance, then that little internal voice that we've been shouting over for so long, it gets stronger. It gets louder. It gets so much easier to hear, to feel to interpret what's going on. And that is the beauty of, of the constancy of the practice, and keeping on going back to it and we're not always going to remember all of our tools because we're when we're We're in our fight and flight mode, we're in a completely different part of the brain, it is like the tool shed with all our tools in his locks. And we don't know where we put the key was supposed to be like that, because we're trying to survive in that moment. So we can't use our tools in those reactionary moments, the person who's getting on road rage, he doesn't have access to the big grown up tools, because the inner of the wrong part of the brain. And so we kind of have to do that's why, you know, we talk about taking the deep breaths and calming down and coming into presence. Because then we know where the key is, we can open the tool shed, we can sort through and go which tool is most suitable for the job, right? And we need to give ourselves grace that in those moments, when we can't find the keys, that somewhere in us is the answer. And we've just got to get through this next bit. We've just got to get through until we can come out of survival mode, and bring in our prefrontal cortex where we've got that more rational, creative thinking part of the brain where we can actually start to see through the noise and cut through the noise. But in all of those reactionary patterns, there is always a lesson if we want to look for it. Even now, when I'm being on resourceful, and it is happening less and less, thank goodness, but I'm still human, I still screw up multiple times a day, I reckon I get it right, maybe a third to 40% of the time, let's face it, there's still a long way to go. But in those moments, when I'm being resourceful, I'm noticing more that I'm being on resourceful. Now, I may not be able to change it in that moment. I'm so random. But afterwards, there's always a lesson for it in me. So I'm able to look at it and go, Okay, what got me to that stage? How did I get there? You know, if I come in after work, I've had a long day, I'm cooking dinner, you know, doing all the things that everyone else does at home on their computers, it's really easy for me to fall into resentment. How are all of you doing all what you want to do, and I have to cook dinner for everyone and I have to feed the dog. And I have to I have to you know, that's actually resentment as part of the Envy family and learning that changed my life. Because now I recognize that much more we used to, you know, I used to think resentment was part of anger. But it's part of envy. And so when I'm walking in the house, and I'm feeling grumpy, because I'm doing all the work. It's actually because I'm envious, that everybody else is able to sit down and play at their computers, and I'm having to do the dinner. But in reality, I could sit down and take 1015 20 minutes to myself. And sometimes I do. And occasionally when I do, they'll come out and they'll look at me and go where's dinner? And I'll go I don't know, did you start making it? I'm getting started in a minute. It'll be with you when I'm done. But anytime you guys want to you know where the fridges you know where the ingredients are, I'm more than happy for you guys to pitch in. And if you're really hungry, then you can do that. But I'm gonna be up in a few minutes, and then I'll start. But when I don't do that, when I get into the resentment bit, and I'm grumpy and I'm doing all of the boons, I can actually take a stock and look back. And you can guarantee over the last few days, I may not have slept as well as possible, I may not have eaten well enough, I may not have had the outdoor time that I usually get, I may not have done enough exercise or done my cold water swimming or walked for as long or whatever it is, there's always something that leads up to that. Because most nights I'm quite happy coming home and paddling in the kitchen and you know, having my cup of tea and most days, I'm quite happy doing that. And so the sign is okay, why am I feeling resentful this time. And it's a game changer.

DJ Stutz  33:46  
One of the things that I love is as we get better at finding those things within ourselves, we're going to be better at helping our children to start out at a much better age to start it out. And help them to identify I just did an episode it's with his name is Douglas mole. And he was talking about listening to our kids, but he also said it's good to name their emotion for them. So tell me what's going on. And then, oh, you're telling me that you're envious, that you're jealous that you're angry, that you're tired that you're hungry as you gather information? Because our kids like we said before, they don't have the ability quite off and they're adults who have the ability honestly to name all their emotions. I'm just crazy mad are crazy tired or whatever. You know, what do you feel like

Amanda Kate  34:52  
most people work in three emotions. Most people work only in three emotions. Mad sad. Glad. Yeah, that's it. So you're absolutely right. 100% If we don't have the language, how do we have the language?

DJ Stutz  35:05  
Yeah. And it's so good. You're feeling better about yourself? And then you know, you're giving your children the tools to feel better about themselves at a much younger age where it's going to serve them for a much longer time in there. Yes,

Amanda Kate  35:22  
yeah. And I think when we're displaying those behaviors, and we're actually showing them the hard side of looking after ourselves, the hard aspect of self love, you know, on Instagram, and all of those social media platforms, it's all rainbows and unicorns, and fluffy stuff. But real true self care and self love is needs to be hard is often hard. And it's boundaries. And it is learning to say, no, it's learning to what you need. And the more I demonstrated, my children learn through osmosis, so the more I have become emotionally aware, the more I've seen it in them, because they're learning from watching me. There are some Friday nights again, where I'm, I come in, I've had a long week, and I'm exhausted. And I just go right guys, I'm gonna cook your dinner. As soon as dinner's done, I'm heading upstairs to the bath. And you won't see me again until tomorrow. You guys clean up. Admittedly, my kids are a little bit older, you know, the 63 year old? I'm not doing that. One, I'm three year old. No, not quite. But I do. And I'll go upstairs, I'll say goodnight to them straight after dinner, give them a kiss, they may see me come down and make some tea or something like that. But that is it. I then almost put myself in timeout, because I know that I'm not fit for human consumption. And so I'll go sit in the bath, I'll read a book. And then the next morning, when they get me they're getting a more much better quality of me than they would have previously. And they're now seeing this and demonstrating those behaviors back to me. I need a rest. I need a lie down. I'm tired. Mom, I just had a nap. When my son came out the other day having just before dinner. He's like bleary eyed Ma said, are you okay? And he's like, Yeah, I just woke up, I just had a 45 minute nap. And I'm like, good for you. Good job is amazing.

DJ Stutz  37:16  
And here's something to consider. Because when your kids are little, you can't do that. But here's the deal. If you've got them set up into a routine, and they're going to bed at the time, they're supposed to go that bad. Not at nine o'clock or midnight, but they're getting to bed at seven 730. And you've gone through that and you've read some stories and you've had some icing by eight o'clock, you do have time to read a book to have a cup of tea to take a long bath to do that self care, it doesn't take some work uploading it at the beginning. Well, sure. But once you get them in that and they know the expectations, then you've just freed up some amazing time care going on.

Amanda Kate  38:09  
And also, even for my clients that do have young children, I often suggest to them setting a timer. Okay, Mommy's gonna sit and have a cup of tea, here's 10 minutes, you can watch the time, I don't care what you do. I'm still here, I'm still going to be keeping an eye on you. But I just need 10 minutes to myself. So here's the timer, and you go outside, or you go to see kids are safe, but you take yourself off, you sit in your chair. And if they come and harass, you know, go see how long is left on the timer. And you sit and you have your little moments. Because what we forget is that we actually need to be sprinkling these little bits through the day to keep our cup full, to stop ourselves running into you know that burnout phase, we need to be sprinkling it through and just drip feeding it to ourselves. And that can be sitting and smelling the coffee that we're drinking rather than just you know, getting it to go cup and shoving it down our face or eating our food with tasting it. Just take that extra couple of minutes see your meal times or whatever it is those little small things and have the intention that this is going to fill my cup this is going to fully nourish and nurture me and I'm going to allow myself to receive the benefits of that. If you use that intention for most things. You can make anything a self care activity. Yeah, I am going to allow myself to fully receive the nourishment nurturing and benefits from this. Anything becomes a self care activity. And it makes you so much more full and more able then to serve others to be of service and it makes such a difference. And the other question that I use and I think we spoke about this when we had a little chat before we got on here was the question I also asked pretty much anyone is are you living the kind of life you would be happy copy for your children to live? It's a big question. And it often sends my clients into tears into shock into some of those big emotions, because we often stay in less than ideal jobs or less than ideal relationships or less than ideal circumstances, because we have a scarcity mentality or afraid, or we want that certainty of where the next paycheck is coming or whatever it is. And so we stay in less than ideal circumstances. But when we think about children living that same kind of life, we often go, I want better for them. But if we don't show them better, how are they going to learn better? I see my life now. And I'm going Hell yeah, I would love my children to live this life. My kids in the last 1218 months have just astounded me with their growth and their maturity. And the way they've handled things. Well, more than that, actually, right through all the severe lock downs that we had in COVID. And all the rest of it. Melbourne was the worst of it to guess, unfortunately. But, you know, they've astounded me with their incredible resilience and the way they have handled things and watching that has just made me bloom, I have a partner who absolutely loves and adores me and I him, which I never thought was even possible. Prior to meeting him. I live in a house that I absolutely adore. And we've got the most beautiful little dog, I get to walk the beach every day for you know, seven kilometers with him to go and get my Chai, and I have that perfect life. In that sense. It is something that I would be proud of my children had, I'm working in a job that lifts me up and nourishes me and makes me feel useful and is of service to the people that I help. And like I say, if you'd asked that question to me six, seven years ago, eight years ago, I'd have gone hell no, I do not want my kids having this life. No way. And hold on. I'm living this. And now it's a completely different answer. And it started when I started thinking about that, what do I want for them? Because there's so much more.

DJ Stutz  42:09  
Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's funny, when we first contacted and became aware of each other, you'd posted something. And it was my response that got us to Yes, yeah, one another. And yeah, I think sometimes, we really need to look at what is self care. And then what it is, I don't know what to call it. But it's kind of the people call it self care, but it's really more destructive than anything else. So I've worked well, yes,

Amanda Kate  42:41  
that's right. I've worked Yeah, remember that we

DJ Stutz  42:45  
are on opposite ends of the spectrum where they are constantly giving, giving, giving, and they're like, No, I love my life. And this is so great. And but they're constantly thinking of someone else, which you need to think about other people most of the time, you really do. But they can take that to an extreme, or they can take it to the other extreme, where it's, I'm living my best life, I'm taking care of me, but they're out, going out with their friends, they're drinking with their girlfriends, all the time, and the kids are left at home. And so I think I loved the conversation that we had about those extremes. And both people are calling it self care. This is how I feel good about myself this helping other people. Or this is how I felt good about myself by being a giver, a caregiver and all of that. And then there's that other extreme. What do you say to those people who are struggling with those extremes.

Amanda Kate  43:51  
There is always energetic checks and balances. So if we are drinking and drugging and spending a lot of time not looking after our children, we are not going to have a nourishing life because we're putting our energy in to destructive habits. And now anytime that we do that with drink, drugs, online, shopping, gambling, sex, whatever that numbing behavior is, if we are doing it to the detriment of others, then it is going to be to the detriment of all. Whatever we do that is self loving is always self loving for everybody else. And so again, if we are putting everybody above us and self caring, by people pleasing, we're not actually self caring because we have put ourselves on a lower frequency. We are calling ourselves inferior, and they are superior. And we've created an energetic imbalance. And so if we're people pleasing, and looking after everybody in that martyrdom type way, then we're not actually self caring at all. Likewise, we're not self caring if We're out drinking and drugging. So with both of those extremes, it really is about, okay, let's actually bring it back to what is self loving, what is self loving to me, and what is in my highest good, because our highest good is that God source good, it cannot be detrimental to anybody. So when I am self caring in my highest good, I am eating healthily, I am drinking enough water, I am moving my body, I am connecting with the people in my life, I am being responsible. Now, being responsible. Again, I like to play with words a little bit, for me is not that heaviness of responsibility, it is about having the ability to respond. And when I have the ability to respond, I'm coming from an empowered place. If I am choosing to numb my life, through whatever numbing behavior I choose, I am not being self responsible. And I'm not being self loving, and I'm not acting in my highest good. And if I'm putting everybody ahead of me and above me and working my butt off to make everybody else happy. I'm also not being self loving, I'm not being self responsible, and I'm not acting in my highest good. And so it really is about asking yourself that question. Now, that's not to say that, you know, having a few drinks with your mates every now and then isn't a self loving activity, if your children are safe and looked after, and with someone that you know, is going to nurture them and nourish them and be kind to them. It's always that sort of checks and balances, if we choose to become parents, there are things that come along with that. And that's no judgement, people can live their life however they want. But there will always be some kind of energetic. You know, it's not a balance sheet quite, because it's never quite adds up to what you think it should. But there will be you know, there's always an energetic price to pay. If you do anything that's not self loving to your body. You know, for years, I was in that people pleasing, I put everybody ahead of myself, I made everyone superior to me, I was just an inferior, I thought piece of crap, to be honest. And because I will live to that I ended up having chronic fatigue, I got very, very sick. And I have no choice now but to look after myself, because the second I start pushing too hard, I feel that ache of the chronic fatigue in my bones and I'm like, Whoa, hold up, Sister, this is no good. Back up a bit. And my self care will then have to go through the roof, I will need to look at everything I'm doing for my body. Because that chronic fatigue will never leave my body, it will always be that sign for me that I am doing too much. So I need to manage that really beautifully. And if anything that was the biggest gift it's given me is that true deep self awareness. I know my body better than anything right now. But again, that was my energetic Smackdown really, because I'd lived my life in that way for so long. And I ignored myself my wants my needs. And I also swung to the other end and used a lot of alcohol to give myself the energy to get through. Now, that was what I thought living was. Yeah. And I had to pay the energetic price. And it's cost a lot of time energy money. Therapy.

DJ Stutz  48:23  
Yeah, for sure. And I think too is there's a difference between being a people pleaser, and just loving your neighbor and being aware and helping out. But when you've been that people pleaser, your whole life. And you're starting to make those changes. You're gonna have people who are like way, way way. Do you know you this is your role. And I am going to do everything I can to keep you in that role. Because that's who I see you as that's who you are. You're someone that I get to take advantage of. Just let me do it. Right. Yeah. And so break out of that is the other people around

Amanda Kate  49:10  
it is you need to support you need a support network. Absolutely. 100% agree with you without a support network. You cannot. It's so hard to do it. As the same as when you people talk about when they're in AAA or some of those types of recovery programs. Without the support network. It is much much harder. Because we need that village, we need that community. And so yeah, I'm completely with you on that one.

DJ Stutz  49:34  
Yeah, yeah. I've just seen so many people go through that and it's hard and it's not something that they necessarily want out of their lives. It might be a sibling, a parent, a spouse, children. Yeah. And it's not Oh, I'm gonna cut you off because you're not allowing me to grow and move in the way I want to. But there are ways that you can work around that and make assessments and start calmly setting your boundaries and you don't need to get mad about it. But you need to be persistent about it. And that's the best self care. For me, I love going out and getting my nails done and my feet done. And that, that makes me feel good. But that's not the true self care necessarily, you know. And so, anyway,

Amanda Kate  50:17  
that's the commodification of self care. And that's, you know, that's capitalist society really, that to self care, you need to get a massage, or you need to go and get your nails done, or you need a facial or you need this product or, you know, it is very much the commodification of that self care industry. But what what we really want is that self care that has healthy boundaries that is knows when to say no, that knows when they need a little bit of extra nurturing and nourishing that knows when we need to eat a healthy meal and download, cut up that salad rather than, you know, getting some fast food or drink more water or put that glass of wine down. Because actually, I've had enough and I don't need it, it's not serving me or whatever it is, those kinds of boundaries are actually the things that then give us more energy to take on the next day.

DJ Stutz  51:04  
Exactly. Exactly. Well, Amanda, thank you so much. Talk to us a little bit if my listeners want to hear more or connect with you, or take the benefit of a relationship kind of thing with you. Where do they go?

Amanda Kate  51:19  
The easiest place is to start at my website, which is www.amandakate.com.au. So it does have the.au on the end of it, and I'm on all social. So Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, I'm at Divinely Messy on TikTok. And I've got a YouTube channel. So but all of those links should be on my website. So yeah.

DJ Stutz  51:44  
And we'll be sure to include them as well in the show notes. So yeah, fantastic able to connect with you, Amanda, I always closed with the same question of all my guests. And that is, how would you define a successful parent?

Amanda Kate  52:01  
I used to joke that successful parent because both my kids are still alive.

DJ Stutz  52:08  
Wrong actually.

Amanda Kate  52:12  
I kept them alive. They did not pass away through anything of my fault. You know, that's a little bit of flippant, but in some ways, it is kind of true. And we can work with them to undo. So you know, there's always hope. But I think I think with parenting, the biggest thing we can ever do is know that in any moment, we were doing the best we could do. That's it. Because if we could have done better, we would have done better, full stop and the story. Things would have been different if they could have been different. So in every moment even when you're acting on resourcefully, even when you are sad and upset or whatever it is, you're still doing the best you can. Yeah. So yeah,

DJ Stutz  52:56  
so, so good, such great advice. Well, a man thank you for choosing to spend this time with us and with our listeners. And I really appreciate it.

Amanda Kate  53:05  
Oh, thank you so much. I appreciate you and the work you're bringing into the world to

DJ Stutz  53:09  
Thank youm thank you. If you would like more information on Amanda Kate and her book and how to get a hold of her. All the information is in the show notes. 

You know, we have so much going on at Little Hearts Academy USA. It is exciting. We have some amazing events and opportunities coming up to engage and get the support that you need to better enhance your confidence as a parent as you create the path and blaze the trail of raising independent, kind and successful children. And this year, we're going to have three more challenges. We're going to have some more workshops and group coaching. one on one coaching is always available. The Cicerone society is going to open again in March. So go ahead and sign up for our newsletter. You're going to find it on the website, www.LittleHeartsAcademyusa.com. And of course, the link will be in the show notes. Now, next week. My guest is Leonora Edwards, and I just love her. She is an ASHA board certified speech language pathologist. I fell in love with her kind, knowledgeable way of explaining how speech develops in our children and what we can do to help them grow. So check it out and see and until next time, let's find joy in parenting.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai