Parenting with the End in Mind: Raising Kids Who Think Ahead with Chaya Garcia

DJ Stutz  00:14

You're listening to Imperfect Heroes: Insights into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world, and I'm your host, DJ Stutz. Welcome everybody, and thank you for choosing to spend the next few minutes here with us at Imperfect Heroes: Insights into Parenting. And we have an amazing topic today with an amazing guest. So we're talking today about teaching with the end in mind, which kind of reminds me of the seven habits, right? A Stephen Covey thing. But before we get started with my wonderful guest, Chaya Garcia, I just a couple things. I want to make you aware of you all know about my book, Roman is Bigger. I've been talking about it forever. Well, guess what? There's two more. So we have the sequel. There's Roman is a Bigger Brother, which I just had so much fun. I was at an elementary school just yesterday, actually, and I was reading it to the school, and they just loved it, and some of the kids even asked me for my autograph. That was kind of fun. Being an author, you're an author, but it's a fun story. It's our same kiddo, Roman, and he gets a little brother. And is this a good thing? Is this a bad thing? It's fun, fun, fun book. And then this is not related to Roman, because it's about fish, but it's Oscar's True Friends, and it's just about a lovely fish, Oscar, who's struggling with some things, and winds up helping his friends realize that we are amazing just the way we are, and we don't need to be the same, nor do we want to be the same, and we can value the talents that we each have. And so there you are. You can get those books on Amazon, Barnes and Noble. Walmart's website has it. So feel free to go, and the link is down in the show notes to find that out. Then, along with this, I wanted to just we have so much fun at our Parent Perspectives workshops, and those are available free of charge for anybody. It's the fourth Thursday of the month, and we just have a great time talking about all kinds of different topics, sharing stories, the good things, the hard things, coming up with ideas to help each other. And it's just a fun workshop. It's 50 minutes, and the link to register for that is, again, in the show notes. And so we'll just have some fun there. All right, let's get going. Chaya and I took some practice to get that name down. 

 Chaya Garcia  03:06

You did so good. 

 DJ Stutz  03:08

Oh, thank you. Well, it's important to say somebody's name, it's their name, right? And so we want to respect and honor who you are. And so Chaya, you've got just a great program that you have going on before we get started on our topic, let's just take about 30 seconds and let everybody know what you do.

 Chaya Garcia  03:28

Yeah, awesome. Thank you so much for having me on your beautiful, holy and inspirational show. I am a relationship expert, and I help single people attract their highest potential love to basically guarantee them a super sustainable and healthy, drama free relationship. And the way that I do that is through two different offers. We have a mastermind, which is basically a very powerful community, plus coaching program, which you can go to epic love mastermind, or an epic love blueprint, which I have, like for really successful women who have totally mastered the business, but not necessarily the love, and that's the epic love blueprint. And if you have any questions on how to date or get good advice, or how to heal from a divorce or how to find the right person, you can find me at epic love expert on Instagram and Facebook and send me a DM, and we will chat, and I will help you out.

 DJ Stutz  04:24

Wonderful. And so as we got talking, and when I first heard about you, I thought, I don't know if that's going to be a fit for us, you know, because we deal with kids and all that. Well, then you and I actually met, and we had a lovely conversation. I thought, Oh no, she's a good fit.

 Chaya Garcia  04:41

Thank you. I agree.

 DJ Stutz  04:42

Yeah.  And we just came up with some great ideas. And it's funny that if we can get our kids to start thinking about, what do I want to happen? And so that's a lot of the executive functioning that you'll hear about with teachers, and in education we talk about executive functioning basically in a nutshell; well, it's just making decisions based on outcome. Yes, that just makes it like a one sentence little thing. But so what do I want to have happen? And the way that you talk about with relationships, you're teaching adults to do that same thing. If we can get this kind of mindset and thought process going on in our kids when they're younger. It's not going to be the drama and all the traumatic things when they're older.  They're already used to making those decisions based on outcome, and so in fact, that's one of the things. So I work with the school district here, and I help with kids who have emotional behavioral problems. And one of the questions that I'll ask, not necessarily kindergartner but you know, from second grade up, they can start thinking about this more, is when someone sees me walking down the hall, what do I want them to think when they see me? Yay, it's Joey. You're like, oh, it's Joey, right? And have them really start thinking about then, if I want people to be happy to see me, what do I need to do? Yeah,

 Chaya Garcia  06:07

I mean, a beautiful way to take that question and bring it to the next level is when I see myself. How do I want people to see me? Because the truth is, people are a, sometimes a reaction of who we are, and sometimes it's completely disconnected, and they just had a fight with their mom, and they're gonna not be happy to see anyone, and it's not a reflection of who we are or how hard we worked on or how successful we are. So I think a next level to that question would be, yeah, it's like that question with sparkles on a unicorn, is when I show up and see myself in the mirror? How do I want to see myself? Am I proud of my behavior? Am I happy to be alone with myself? Do I need to distract myself? Do I feel uncomfortable in that space? Because when we walk into this world, whether you're a small child or a big child, you don't want to compare yourself to other people in the sense that you want to be like them. You want to be like yourself and then follow and copy only the successful behaviors. Like, if someone's really famous, but they're not very healthy, you don't want to be like them, but if someone's less famous, but they're super healthy, they have a great marriage, they treat their kids really well, they prioritize family over money, then that's a behavior to compare yourself to, of, how do I become successful like that? And so the part that reflection that you say when I meet other people, it's like, how am I showing up in the world for myself. What am I proud of my behaviors? 

 DJ Stutz  07:43

Yeah, yeah. And that is something that's really so when you look at child development, once, you can say, let's look at the mirror and see what do you think when you see that that's something that's going to happen, probably third fourth. When they're little, they look more at like I don't do the wrong things because I get in trouble. It's very it's not because it's the right thing to do, and it's not that they're not of a good kid or whatever. It's just that kids don't develop in a way that the first thing that they're going to learn is, Oh, I get in trouble. As they get older, they're going to start learning more about well, this is the right thing to do, rather than I don't want to be in trouble, and once they hit like eight, nine around there, is when they're really going to be able to start looking in the mirror and asking those important questions that you just spoke about. I had to laugh a little bit, because when you were talking about having them look in the mirror and see who they are and how they are and how they show up, that's totally what we're talking about in my Oscars true friends book. And I love it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, Oh, that's perfect. But so yes, so then what are the conversations then that we want to have with our kids to help them come to that determination? So even if it's something like, I want to get an A on my spelling test. That's the end. That's their goal that they're setting. What decisions do I need to make? What time do I need to spend to get that goal? How important is that goal to me? Some kids really don't care if they get an A on their spelling test. Parents care, usually more than the kids, but once they do care, and you've got to be a parent that sees, what are their talents, what's important to them, who's important to them, and then use that information to lead them along on that path.

 Chaya Garcia  09:34

Yeah, and I think that's a really great thing. Is that outcome backwards when children are trying to get an A in school, per se, we always want to have that awareness that we're teaching our children, our child what defines success, because Sarah Blakely, who basically, you know, be created a multi billion dollar industry, but more significantly changed the way women were represented in a whole industry. With their bodies and their comfort and all that, failure was actually the most praised thing in her family, because failure was the lack of trying, not an outcome. So we really want to model what has caused great success in this world, and it's not by pushing children to get an A because success is like, how do I find lots of solutions to one problem and then figure out which solution is the best for me at this specific situation? But when you teach a child just to get an A you're trying to teach them the opposite of success, which is just find the right answer for this specific situation. And it can really be a distortion of how to problem solve, of, you know, like, when you get out of school and you're in a relationship, there's no A, B, C and D. It's like, how do I find in my mind, lots of different solutions for this tension, for this conflict, for this promotion, for this relationship, and then find which solution is best for me and this person or the situation right now. So it's important that when you're thinking about having your kid be have success, that you make sure always to speak about that their worth is not attached to the outcome, like, if they get an A or an F, they're still just as successful,

 DJ Stutz  11:17

And there's still love, and they're still wonderful, right? Yes, and two, that's why I kind of was saying that if that's important to your child, because to some kids getting that a and spelling, they don't care less, right? Yeah, honestly, I have to wonder, yeah, education like, how important is that spelling test with the technology that we have these days? Seriously, and it's just going to get bigger and bigger and bigger, but that's another topic for another day. But whatever their goal that they're setting, you're right in. Let's make sure that it's something that they are looking for and are willing to look at. And I love that you say that failure was celebrated. Failure is just finding another way that it doesn't work, right? In fact, here it's funny.

 Chaya Garcia  12:04

Let me show you, dream big and dare to fail. Yeah, and that's on my wall. I love that, and it would be like in hope to fail, because if you really hope to fail, that means you're trying big, cool stuff, and that failure doesn't scare you, and you become unstoppable in creation, in success, in relationships and money, in business and life. Fear is what stops people from making the right decisions with their children. They're afraid to hurt their child, or they're afraid for their child to be in pain. But what if we weren't scared of failing and we just went in with a safe space of I want to try my hardest, and pain isn't that bad, and fear is not going to hold me back, and I'm going to do what's right anyway. Yeah,

 DJ Stutz  12:47

Yeah.  In fact, oh  gosh, a few weeks ago, we did an episode with Leonora Edwards, and we were talking about persistence and patience, which kind of ties into this, that if you fail at something, that doesn't mean you get Oh, it didn't work. I'm not gonna try that anymore. That's not what we want for our kids. Oh, great. Maybe I need to, as a parent, yes, build some other skills for them outside of that, those peripheral skills that are going to allow them to try again and have better success the next time they try. And so we can talk about next time a lot that didn't work, oh, you'll get it next time. Or let's figure out, how can we do it better next time, so that they're thinking, oh, there's this next time that I gotta look at this, right? Yes. And so it's really kind of tied in to that, that as a parent, my job as someone who is working to create these independent thinkers that are willing to work and try do hard things, all of those things that if I want that for my kids, what am I doing as a parent to set up the environment so that we're leading our kids, not pushing them. We are leading them. We're mentoring them in a way that they're going to be confident and willing to try again.

 Chaya Garcia  14:07

Yeah, and I think the best way for parents to do that is to model it. Stop being afraid to talk about negative emotions. I was just having a conversation with a mother, and she was really struggling her grown kid now, not so grown, but grown kid is struggling with mental health issues and all this stuff. And a big part of mental health issues is in the family space, in the inner intimate circle, where no one's there. You don't talk about your emotions, your feelings, your fear, and then it can build up inside of someone, where what naturally happens in life aren't processed properly because there wasn't a safe space to be dark and raw and real. And you know, one of the greatest child books, children for mom books, how to talk, so kids will listen and listen. So kids will talk, you know, and siblings without rivalry, the same authors, they say, if your one kid says to you, Oh, I hate my sister, and you're like. Don't say that. What you're teaching your kids is negative emotions. Don't have a home here, and you have to do the right thing, versus being like, Oh yeah, I hear you. You must be really angry to say something like that. Or if they say to you, Mom, I hate you right now. And you're like, don't say that to me. You have to love me. I love you. All you're teaching them is your negative emotions. Don't have a safe space here, and that is how real failure develops, is when you don't know how to go into your pain and transform it, because you see it as a stepping stone. You see pain as a bad thing where you're trying to squash it and suppress it, like your parents did to you, and then you have real failure in life. So it's important to redefine failure and pain and negativity as positive, normal parts of life that have a safe space in your home,

 DJ Stutz  15:46

Right.  And I think, too, you bring up such a great point and finding the accurate words to truly express what you're feeling. So I may say I hate you, but the reality is, I'm just really furious right now.

 Chaya Garcia  15:58

Yeah, so angry. I can't think..

 DJ Stutz  16:01

I'm so angry!  I could just... but see our society talks in these terms of hate, and someone's a Nazi or this and that, and they they hear this on the news. They hear us as adults talking. They hear that. And so when we can maybe help our kids come and have the vocabulary to actually express what's truly going on, they're gonna feel better because they are more accurately understood, yes, right? And then they are feeling better because I now have the ability to express myself in a way that I feel confident in what I'm saying, yeah. And so to say I hate you, it's like, wow, that's a really big emotion that you're feeling right now. So and So some kids, maybe they need to talk it out right then. But other times, you have different kids, different personalities, they just need some alone time to figure it out. Other kids, they may not need to talk, but maybe they just need you to sit by them and say, I understand you're feeling some really big emotions. So do you want me to sit with you while you work it out? Do you want to go and find a quiet place just by yourself? You start giving them some of these choices, but with that goal again, the end in mind, let's help you get calmed down, because when we're calm is when we're going to start finding answers to what's going on. It's really hard to find answers when we're our emotions are so big, and that goes back to anyone who's listening to me. You know where I'm going weekly family meetings. And so it's a great chance for us to practice and role play when those emotions aren't being felt, when it's just us being fun and having some silly time as a family, but to do some role playing in how to talk to someone when you're very, very angry, how to sit down and look at ooh, this didn't work out well. And so what do I do next? And talk about, how do we take the steps to move forward instead of just giving up? I love those kinds of approaches where we helping our kids instead of, like you said, bad emotions are awful, you have to deny them that's not going to work well as they get older, and it's not working well for us as adults when we do that. So why would we think it would work well for our kids?

 Chaya Garcia  18:13

Yeah, and I think that's the first step. If it's not working well for the adults, how can they naturally and effortlessly model that you know, still, so many people don't want to socialize. When they're unhappy, that's when you're supposed to socialize. That's when you need support, that's when you need to get out of your head. That's when you need a buddy to be like, You know what? This is going to pass it's not that bad. Or I've been through something similar, and that's what helped me. Or, hey, I have a friend who's going through that she can help you out. Or I have a good therapy, that's when you're like, still, so many people want to socialize or go out of their house when they're happy in a good mood, and that's when they see their friends. It's like, no the realness of life, the interconnectivity, the humanity, the power, the profundity and the magic is in the pain, if you just label it as normal, it is a part of life. It is a natural, healthy part of life. A lot of growth happens in pain. A lot of understanding and transformation happens from it. So why suppress it or teach your children that it's like, scary or unacceptable, let them feel their pain and also go through that mountain and be like, You know what you got through, that you're so strong,

 DJ Stutz  19:21

Yes.  And even reminding them of things as simple as remember when you couldn't ride your bike, and that was hard for you to learn, and you fell off of the bike sometimes, and it was frustrating. But you kept going. You kept learning how to balance your body, how to hold the handle bar so that it was balanced better. And you kept trying and trying, and now you don't even think about it. It's so easy for you that you don't even think about it. You just hop on your bike and go, Well, this can be very similar. It's hard now, and that's okay, because you can keep trying and learning and adjusting, and before long, you're not even going to think about it. It's. Something easy that you can do, but sometimes it's hard getting there, and that's okay.

 Chaya Garcia  20:05

Yes.  And encouraging that not giving up it, let your kids struggle. It's such a thing that I think parents need to remind themselves all the time. I have to remind myself all the time, Let them struggle, let them fail, let them break the plate, let them make the mess. Let them not put their shoe on for seven minutes because they are freaking screaming that the shoe's not going on properly. I mean, it depends the age of your kids and the type of drive my daughter put her shoes on, and my son took forever to figure out how to put his socks and shoes on, but I let him struggle. And when he screams in frustration. If I know that he can do it, I let him scream in frustration, and I still, and I still do not go and help him put his shoe on, because eventually he puts his shoe on and he feels a sense of accomplishment. And I know one of my main mentors, she said she would always do this with her son. And now her son's a grown man. He's like, 30 or something like that. And he would tells her, now, you know, mom, whenever you would put my shoes on for me, you always made me feel so stupid. And she was just trying to help him not struggle, but our growth, our belief in ourselves and our strength and our resilience and our power is when we struggle and we then succeed through it. That's how we believe in ourselves. So when we stop the struggle of our kids, we're removing, we're taking away. We're doing a disservice to them having belief in themselves to get through hard things.

 DJ Stutz  21:32

Yeah, and you brought up such a good point in that that son saying, when you put my shoes on for me, it made me feel stupid. And I think that good intentions, yes, only intentions, wanting to do we wanting to help, or wanting to do all of this. But when we don't let our kids struggle with it a little bit, even struggle with an argument between siblings, don't jump in right away. I mean, we don't want it to get out of hand, but give them a chance to work it out and to figure out how this is going to go again, that can go back to when we practice it when now things are calm and we have options available in our mind, because I've given my kids those options on you can set the timer, you can wait for your turn. You can find something else to play with while you're waiting. You give them all of these different abilities and ideas that they can use, but give them some time to work through it and maybe see, are they going to start using some of those things that we've been talking about? And you want to keep an eye, because if it does get kind of out of hand, or where it's going to impact the relationship and stuff, then you're going to want to step in with kindness, not with anger, and to say, okay, I can see that this is struggling. Let's talk for a minute. And I've even my big thing, and I use this at the schools all the time, is I'm going to listen to, usually, the youngest kid, because they have the least patience. I'm going to listen to the youngest kiddo first, and they're going to tell me everything, and we're going to listen, you and I, and then when this youngest sibling is done, it's going to be your turn to tell me everything that you're feeling and going on. And then we can talk about, well, here's what I'm hearing. Do you have any ideas then on how we can fix that? Or I hear that so and so is feeling bad because of this? Well, I didn't mean to Okay, well, that's how they're feeling. Do you have any ideas on how we can move forward then and now, we're putting it back on the kids. We're teaching them to come up with those ideas rather than, well, you're not going to do this and you go to your room and you do this, but that's just avoidance, and we're not giving them skills.

 Chaya Garcia  23:34

Yeah, 100% in those skills, like when we had our pre interview, like we don't want our kids to be happy. We want our kids to have skills, because most of life are gonna have happy and unhappy moments, and they need to know how to get through those unhappy moments without defining them as bad because they're going through negativity or negative thoughts or something of that nature. So one of the best ways to handle that is, again, to practice it and also with the sibling. Thing that you mentioned, like, what you said, Don't get involved unless there's physical violence. Like, once it gets physical, get involved. But one of the things that I learned that really helps me with my kids is they go, mommy, he did this to me, Anita, and I want him to give me the toy or he stole it all out, right? And I'm like, You need to talk it out with him. I never play God and dominant authority. It's been in life saver for the sibling peace in my family, because they're like, Mommy, just tell him the internet. And I'm like, this is your relationship with him. My kids are four and five, but they get this. Guys kids understand a lot, very young. And I say your relationship is with him. Talk it out with him, if you want him to give you back that toy, then ask him really nicely for it and see if you can connect with him and communicate. But I'm not like, okay, Evie, I saw you steal it from her. I saw you take it from her when she was playing. Give it back now, because you want to be that God of reason and justice, but it's not your job. Up, and it's the skill that they're going to need when they grow up, if you want them to have a relationship with their sibling, for you never to step involved, because if they don't know how to work through conflict between themselves, and they only try to seek an external source or authority figure, they're never going to learn how to manage those uncomfortable spots to actually get through the relationships in their life in a really healthy, functional way.

 DJ Stutz  25:26

Yeah, and too, it also teaches them I can be mad at you and still love you, yes. And we want them to know that I can disagree with you and I still love you as my brother or my sister, they can have that disagreement. But at the same time, this is something that's going to expand. Look at our world right now, yes, if I don't agree with you on, like a political issue or something, then I have to ban you. You have to cut you out of my life. I was so sad. I have a another group that I meet with monthly, and it's just with other entrepreneurs and business people and stuff networking, you know all about that. And there was a guy that came in and in January, he went to the inauguration. He got invited by a local state senator, and they were so excited, so they went. They were helping out and volunteering. Well, this guy's like, I'm old, but he's older than me, you know, and he has a daughter in her 50s, and she is so upset with him for even going. And he's been to others with other political parties. It's just part of history, and he loves being a part of it, but the fact that he went this time, he said, My daughter won't speak to me. It's crazy. Like, cut me out. She won't even speak to me. And I thought, holy moly, I don't care what it he's like, You don't know how many, how much more time you have with this guy. He's older and late 70s, and you're gonna waste it being mad because he wanted to go and participate in something that's a piece of history, whether you like the President or not, you're gonna cut off your family over that. But if we can give our kids these skills when they're young, and it's like, I can disagree with you, this is a goal that I've always had in mind for my kids and my kids, let me tell you, on the political spectrum, we're all over the place. You know, I'm fairly conservative. I'm pretty conservative, but I've got a son that makes me look like, you know, a lunatic. He is super conservative, and then I've got a daughter that's super liberal, and we could let that get in the way. And we know that there's some topics that I don't know. Well, you know, if Rocky's around, we're not going to talk about that. Or Shiloh is around, let's just leave that alone. But we still love each other, we still get together, we still talk, we still, oh, is so and so coming to your visit you, I'm going to arrange my schedule so we can come to and we can all be together and have some fun. And to me that this my biggest thing with raising my kids, is that they still love each other, even though they disagree with whatever decisions each other may be making. And what does that do in your business world? What does that do in your marriage? What does that do when your own children become independent and you're thinking, who raised you been there because they come up with their own ideas and outlooks and all of that, and they may or may not agree with yours. It's okay.

 Chaya Garcia  28:20

Yeah, it's okay. And I think that goes back to, like, what we've been speaking about, which is going from the end backwards. What do we want for our kids? We want them to have successful relationships, because that's the key to all of physical and emotional health. How do you do that? You redefine pain and disagreement as not bad, but normal, and that you prioritize connection and humanity, so whether you like this president or that President, they're still human, and there's still parts of them that are very good inside, and that our job is to be compassionate and kind to people we agree with, to people we don't agree with. And actually the most powerful lessons of growth and of learning is sometimes with the people we disagree with doesn't mean that we're going to take on their beliefs, but at least we understand that, you know what, they might not think, what I think, but they are not bad. They're also just wanting a good world or like they're not bad. They just also want people to get what they want. And again, we might not adopt their beliefs or need to, but when we speak to people of differing faiths and belief systems and political views. Most people are really good people who just have a different way that they've come to what they believe, but that they still want good in the world, and we can find that part of humanity and stick to that and jump on that and connect on that. And that's how we grow in life, when we can find the good in people and use that as the connector, versus Well, what do they believe? And if they believe something I don't believe and it's bad, then I'm gonna punish them by removing them because it's bad, and I want bad in my life. But no, like you might not believe it's like some people believe it's gender dysphoria, and some people believe that it. Trans, and some people believe this. It's like, okay, but like, what you believe is irrelevant to how you treat people, and that treatment is the most important thing, because whether you want to communicate your beliefs of difference to them, Come to people with like, I don't see you as an other and bad. I see you as human and good, and let's focus on that and use that as the main foundation for how we move forward in our relationships. Agreed.

 DJ Stutz  30:28

And that kind of approach can really serve our children as they get older and as they're making those connections. And then I think most important decision you will make in your entire life is whom you choose to marry and raise 100% 100% nothing that'll change a life more. Oh, he's handsome, oh he's got money, oh she's this, oh she's that, and it's like, oh, goo, yeah. No, they're a nightmare. I am relationship. So what are your things like? How do you make but if you can teach your kids these skills and to not make these snap judgments, but really look at a person, look at their heart, look at who they are. And honestly, most of the people that are in my life have varying religious beliefs. I mean, we have some friends that we go out, you know, it's three couples. We go out with each other probably every month, about every month we get together and go do some of us are the same religious beliefs. We even have variety of political beliefs in there, and yet we're really good friends, and they're a blessing in my life. And so if this is what we want for our children, and honestly, this is what's going to heal our country and the world, but if this is what we want for our children, then we need to do that parenting with that in mind and with a plan how we're going to get our kids there. And I think with an understanding that the path that's going to get Shiloh there is not the same path that's going to get Candace there. You know, those are the names of my kids. 

 Chaya Garcia  32:00

Yeah, yeah.  And that there isn't overlap. The one thing to focus on, because I'm sure there's so many different parents listening. And if you're single, then definitely listen to what you just said, which is the partner makes or breaks your life and your children's life, which is where I come in. If you want to get married to the right one at epic love expert, just find me. But what you're saying like there is an overlap in two things I wanted to say. One, it's not about beliefs, but about observable behavior. Okay, if you are an a hope, family friendly, family friendly, if you thank you, if you are treating people poorly, if you are lashing out at people, or if you are calling people names, if you are yelling at people, if you are giving people the silent treatment, if you are doing riots, I don't care what beliefs you have, your observable behavior is unacceptable. And I think that's a really great overlap for kind of everything, like relationships, of love of children, of parenting. Don't focus so much on the beliefs those are going to emerge and evolve over time based on what's going on in your life and in the world. Focus on observable behavior. When you're angry. Are you yelling at people, or are you taking deep breaths and taking some time till you calm down? Are you hurting yourself when you made a mistake, or are you actively forgiving yourself and speaking nicely to yourself, or figuring how to be learning from your mistakes, focus on observable behavior, and then you don't have to worry about what their beliefs are, left, right, this that it's just, are they treating people with kindness, or are they hurting people with anger and actions? And that is a really bigger thing to teach your children. Watch people's behavior and observe it, and the people who aren't nice at school walk away.

 DJ Stutz  33:45

So I have a daughter, Roque, and she is married; like they are such a great couple. They've got two little kids. They're great parents. They treat each other with great respect. And she was my oldest one to get married. She waited the longest to get married. She was, like, 28 I was asking her, so when did you know Peter might be more than just a guy I'm dating, right? And she said they were actually in Mexico, and he was dealing with a car rental, and they were doing what some of these companies do, and trying to mess around with them. And she says I could see he was mad, like he was upset. He never raised his voice. He stayed very logical, like I would have been yelling, just, I would have just been losing it, and nope, he stayed very calm, very methodical, brought things in. But she said that's when I knew, like, if that's him mad. Sign me up.

 Chaya Garcia  34:43

I have full body chills, yeah. I have really, really big chills, yeah.

 DJ Stutz  34:47

So, I love having that plan and then watching and paying attention. So if we teach our kids to do that with the way they choose friends at school in the neighborhood, on the basketball team, whatever they're doing. If we're teaching them to do that, observing behaviors, watching what's going on, then they carry that into their adulthood. I look at Roque, and she's just got this lovely family, great marriage, and it's because she did exactly that,

 Chaya Garcia  35:14

Yeah, and that's literally what I teach so many of my clients, that same concept because they think they want also for young kids, again, this is applied in every age, but for the single moms out there, you know, you think you want, an attractive guy, a rich guy, a happy guy, sense of humor, or whatever, all these things that you say you want, which is not relevant in all. And what I really emphasize when I work with women who are dating is Don't tell them what you want, watch what they do. Don't tell them you want them to walk you to your door at night. Just see how and what they do. Don't tell them you want them to call you whenever. Just see if they call you. Don't tell them it's so important I marry a guy who actually says what he do is just watch and observe if his actions follow his words. And if we can teach that to our children, that what we really need is to not accept unacceptable behavior and to observe or our friends are treating us, and if our friends are not treating us good, we don't try to make that relationship work. We walk away and we find a friend who's already kind and kind to us will change the trajectory of this whole world.

 DJ Stutz  36:24

Exactly, exactly. I love it. I love it. Ah, and we're running out of time, and I'm sorry stop, because great conversation. What a great conversation we've had. And so Kaya, I would love for you to again, tell us a little more if our followers want to learn more about you, what you do, how to reach out. Where do they go? 

 Chaya Garcia  36:45

Yeah.  That's such a great question. Such an honor being here, really. So thank you. And the way that you guys can find me is on epic love expert, all of my socials go to Instagram, do the handle epic love expert, because I help you go from love that's to epic, and you really deserve an epic love that's safe, that's kind that's sustainable, that helps you have those family dynamic, dynamics that really make you feel like it's going to be okay. So find me on Instagram or socials at epic love expert, and then just send me a DM. Hey, would love to chat, or what options do you have for working together, and then I'll be in touch with you. We're all human. Don't be afraid. We are all here to connect, to grow to be vulnerable, to redefine pain as precious, awareness indicating nurturance. I created this acronym precious because it's coming for us from us awareness, because you sure as heck feel pain and you are aware that it's there, indicating because it's trying to tell us something, nurturance. You need nurturance. You need more attention, forgiveness. Something is needing you to be nurtured. So let's redefine pain. Let's have better relationships within our marriage and with our children and be the change that we want to be in the world so we can really have an epic life.

 DJ Stutz  38:08

I love it. Thank you so much. So you know, Kaya, we always and with our guests, I asked them the same question, we know, hence the title, there are no perfect parents. They don't exist. Never have But some parents do kind of seem to be more successful than others. How would you describe, maybe a successful parent?

 Chaya Garcia  38:27

I describe a successful parent that's able to communicate pain and ask for forgiveness. So I make mistakes all the time, up shocker, what? But I am so quick to talk about it, to take full responsibility, to never put the blame on my kids, and to ask for forgiveness. So the other day, my child, I was like, busy with work, and my four year old came to me, and he screamed, like, I actually, he's like, Mommy, the drink doesn't taste good, so I, like, just tried to sip the drink to see and he was so angry that I sipped this drink that I should not have sipped. And so he screamed, huh? And then I was like, and then I threw the cup on the floor, because I was like, so startled at that, at the pitch of the screaming in my ear. And he got so scared that I screamed and started to cry. And so I went to him afterwards, when he was a little bit more calm, I am so sorry. I got scared from the loud noise. Mommy has such sensitive ears. I'm so sorry I scared you when I scream. It had nothing to do with you. I just got really afraid from the scream because of my sensitivity. And so now he knows mommy's human. She's gonna make mistakes. What does she do after it? She apologizes, and then she and I take full blame, because it wasn't his fault that I reacted that way. Did he scream in my ear? Is it his fault? I don't know who cares, but the point is, is I'm not blaming him for his behavior. I'm responsible for my reaction. I'm just gonna say that again. That's so powerful. Powerful. I'm not blaming him for his behavior. I'm taking full responsibility for my reaction. And if I was in a different headspace, maybe I wouldn't have screamed, but I was so distracted that It startled me. I didn't expect it. Yeah, and it was my reaction that I need to take responsibility for not blaming. Well, you scream at me, and you can't scream at Mommy, and if I make a mistake because I sipped your drink, that's not the way you treat me. And get over it, and don't be a little brat. I'm gonna make you more drinks, and I'm the one who made you the drink. So of course, I can sip it, and that's what I hear so much parenting just putting all the blame of behavior and reaction on to the kids when you're an adult, and even if you're working with an adult instead of a kid, take full responsibility for your reactions, and if you don't react in a way that's beneficial for growth and connection, learn how to say, You know what I could have done better. I'm really sorry I hurt you. I'll work on myself and for the future, if I sip your drink, try not to yell at me. I promise I'm only trying to help you.

 DJ Stutz  41:00

Yeah, I love having that conversation and talking and owning. Isn't that what we teach our children, own your behaviors, but it works for adults too. We have to own our own behaviors and responses,

 Chaya Garcia  41:13

Yeah.  And they when we can do that, they can look up to us as a safe space. Mommy makes mistakes, and she gets through her pain when I'm making a mistake and I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing. I know that because mommy so open with her pain and mistakes and flaws, I will now know who to go to when I'm in my darkest moments, because she expressed that that's normal and Okay, and now I know that I'm normal and okay too in my dark spots, and I won't go away from her and hide. I'll actually go close to her as my guide. 

 DJ Stutz  41:45

Love it.  So true, so absolutely true. Chaya, I'm so excited for our conversation, and I hope we'll be talking again again, and maybe collaborating on some fun things. But everybody, if you love what you hear, and I know you did, five stars is the appropriate number of stars. Please leave us a rating and review. It helps us expand our podcast and reach other families that maybe could use some of this wonderful conversation. And so I look forward to again talking to you again sometime and everybody until next week. Let's find joy in parenting. See ya.  Thank you so much for sticking around to the end of today's episode of imperfect heroes. Parenting is truly one of the most rewarding journeys we can take. But let's face it, it can be incredibly challenging, and sometimes we make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be. The good news is that with a little bit of work up front, there are practical steps you can take to bring more peace and joy into your family life. I am passionate to share these strategies and insights with you. If you're ready to step on the path to joyful, effective parenting, I invite you to schedule a family checkup. Just click on the calendar link in the show notes below. Schedule a time that works perfectly for you, and let's work together to create a more harmonious and happy environment. And remember every small step that you take today makes a big difference. So thank you again for joining us, and until next time, let's find joy in parenting.